Archive for ‘Food’

November 12, 2014

Hunt: “Donut burger will keep the statistics favourable”

by philapilus

It’s just possible that this isn’t a good idea

Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has come out in support of the controversial Double Donut burger, saying that it will “Be the most significant easing of pressure on the NHS since Mrs Thatcher’s plan to thin out the poor.”

The burger, advertised as ‘containing enough calories in one bite to kill a badger’, has been met with criticism by various health experts, but has been praised by that sizeable proportion of the British public that is too fat to put food into its own mouth without help.

Mr Hunt said “Our well-being, as a

October 9, 2014

GBBO win for ex-PM Major

by philapilus

The judges singled out Major’s ‘Maastricht Muffins’ as one of this year’s highlights

Sir John Major said he was “surprised but delighted” after his victory in yesterday’s final of the 2014 Great British Bake Off.

Judges Mary Berry and Paul Hollywood agreed that the former Conservative prime minister had been “Ahead of the competition from the start.

“His technique and

September 22, 2014

Tesco makes minor accounting error of £250m

by philapilus

Turns out just moving it from the warehouse to the shop doesn’t count; you actually have to ‘sell it’ all too.

Tesco has defended its £250m profit overstatement today in a press release, pointing out that “adding and subtracting are really difficult”.

The supermarket giant said that its accounts were wrong to the tune of a quarter of a billion because it can be very hard to distinguish between revenue you have earned, and revenue you haven’t earned.

Tesco’s chief accountant, Todd Cupboard, told reporters “It’s not so much a ‘mistake’, it’s more

September 2, 2014

Greenhouse gases soar as vegetarian smugness pumps into environment

by philapilus

“Face it; I am just better than you in every way”

Scientists said greenhouse gas emissions increased alarmingly yesterday, after a report warned that rising meat consumption had negative environmental effects – leading vegetarians to give off unprecedented amounts of smug.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough School of The World’s Going to Shit, said “As meat consumption increases we see a corresponding rise in deforestation, cow-flatulence and thus rising greenhouse gases.

“But all of that pales into insignificance compared to the sheer enormity of self-righteous twattery that vegetarians across the UK emitted yesterday. It is

August 29, 2014

Global conflict threatens to divert attention from ‘Baked Alaskagate’

by philapilus

“It’s time to stop waving the chocolate finger of blame and come to the table together, to break bread and make peas”

As the international community steps up its criticism of “Russian cooks interfering in the Ukraine broth”, fears are growing at home that the public is being distracted from Wednesday’s Great British Bake Off fallout.

The GBBO Baked Alaska debacle was recognised immediately as a global crisis. But it has subsequently been overshadowed in UK news by trifling headlines about tasty morsels like the mouthwatering Ukraine crisis, the delicious Ebola outbreak, and the succulent Islamic State being served in Iraq and Syria.

On Wednesday, contestant Diana Beard briefly annexed the freezer, displacing Iain Watter’s ice cream, an act which some experts suggest

August 13, 2014

Buying monkey-picked tea ‘ultimate sign’ of twattishness

by philapilus

There’s nothing people won’t try and force monkeys to do – some folks even use them as ‘side-boob protectors’

Purchasing tea which the packaging claims was picked by monkeys has been revealed as clinching proof that you are a total arse, it was revealed today.

The tea-leaves – which some say are hand-picked by monkeys and others claim just have a fancy title – are sold at a premium considered appropriate “For fleecing morons”, says the Food Standards Agency.

The FSA study found that most purchases of monkey-picked tea are actually gifts, “which are intended to impress upon the

July 25, 2014

McDonald’s execs suspend nuggets: “They taste like demon shit”

by philapilus
http://img.21food.com/20110609/product/1305195435187.jpg

Which part of a chicken’s anatomy did you think nuggets were from, exactly?

Plucky independent restaurant McDonald’s said that it will be expanding its suspension of Chicken McNuggets from Japan and China and stopping all world sales, after senior directors tasted the food and were extremely ill.

Donald MacRonaldson, CEO of the company said “We just thought all the recent concerns had been a lot of fuss over nothing, and were sick of people mocking our food. So we tried it. My God, I have never done anything so foolish in my life.

“If I open the door a crack, could you pass some more loo-roll in please? I’ve run out again.”

Secretary Samantha Furcup said “The board

June 17, 2014

Backlogged FSA warns against chicken-washing and out-of-date spam-fritters

by philapilus

The Food Standards Agency has finally cleared enough of its backlog to get as far as making safety recommendations relevant to the kitchen practises of the 1950s.

“If you see flies all over it, that just proves how healthy it is. Otherwise the buggers wouldn’t be eating it, would they?”

Jim Schwartz, senior food wrangler at the FSA said “We’ve mostly been publicising the various ‘Dig For Victory’ recommendations over the last few years, but we’re onto a new decade, and we’ll be bringing you all the up-to-date food information that the 1950s has to offer.

“This week we’re warning that chicken-washing is unhygienic, and also suggesting that leaving your spam fritters out on a hot windowsill for a week might impair the taste, or even give you a poorly tummy.

“We’re also

June 11, 2014

Tory MP accuses Oxfam ad of deliberate accuracy

by philapilus

Britain; where everything is just brilliant. No need to give generously at all.

Conservative MP Conor Burns has demanded that the Charities Commission investigate Oxfam, over an ad campaign which he claims “maliciously and wantonly tells the truth”.

The faux-movie poster depicts a raging storm at sea, emblazoned with a ‘starring cast’ of  zero hour contracts, benefit cuts, high prices, and other social ills directly resulting from Conservative policies.

But Mr Burns  has pointed out that the poster completely fails to suggest that everything in the UK is completely brilliant, and instead

May 8, 2014

Non-Halal chickens slaughtered in five-star luxury

by philapilus
Absolutely furious it wasn't killed in accordance with its sacred Jedi principles

Absolutely furious it wasn’t killed in accordance with its sacred Jedi principles

Several animal welfare groups claimed today that”Decent, neo-liberal Western abattoir methods are infinitely preferable to the decadent barbaric process of Halal slaughter.”

The comments come after questions about the labelling of meat suddenly became the third most important thing in the country – a furore stemming from the fact that some animals slaughtered according to Halal principles have packaging which neglects to mention this.

Brittany Wurstlove, of pressure group ‘Treat ‘em Nice, Then Cleave and Dice’, said “It is positively immoral that live animals are having their throats cut because of some towel-head mumbo jumbo, instead of being ripped apart by the razor-clawed hands of decent, atheistic abattoir robots.

“If you were

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 299 other followers