Archive for ‘Food’

July 25, 2014

McDonald’s execs suspend nuggets: “They taste like demon shit”

by philapilus
http://img.21food.com/20110609/product/1305195435187.jpg

Which part of a chicken’s anatomy did you think nuggets were from, exactly?

Plucky independent restaurant McDonald’s said that it will be expanding its suspension of Chicken McNuggets from Japan and China and stopping all world sales, after senior directors tasted the food and were extremely ill.

Donald MacRonaldson, CEO of the company said “We just thought all the recent concerns had been a lot of fuss over nothing, and were sick of people mocking our food. So we tried it. My God, I have never done anything so foolish in my life.

“If I open the door a crack, could you pass some more loo-roll in please? I’ve run out again.”

Secretary Samantha Furcup said “The board

June 17, 2014

Backlogged FSA warns against chicken-washing and out-of-date spam-fritters

by philapilus

The Food Standards Agency has finally cleared enough of its backlog to get as far as making safety recommendations relevant to the kitchen practises of the 1950s.

“If you see flies all over it, that just proves how healthy it is. Otherwise the buggers wouldn’t be eating it, would they?”

Jim Schwartz, senior food wrangler at the FSA said “We’ve mostly been publicising the various ‘Dig For Victory’ recommendations over the last few years, but we’re onto a new decade, and we’ll be bringing you all the up-to-date food information that the 1950s has to offer.

“This week we’re warning that chicken-washing is unhygienic, and also suggesting that leaving your spam fritters out on a hot windowsill for a week might impair the taste, or even give you a poorly tummy.

“We’re also

June 11, 2014

Tory MP accuses Oxfam ad of deliberate accuracy

by philapilus

Britain; where everything is just brilliant. No need to give generously at all.

Conservative MP Conor Burns has demanded that the Charities Commission investigate Oxfam, over an ad campaign which he claims “maliciously and wantonly tells the truth”.

The faux-movie poster depicts a raging storm at sea, emblazoned with a ‘starring cast’ of  zero hour contracts, benefit cuts, high prices, and other social ills directly resulting from Conservative policies.

But Mr Burns  has pointed out that the poster completely fails to suggest that everything in the UK is completely brilliant, and instead

May 8, 2014

Non-Halal chickens slaughtered in five-star luxury

by philapilus
Absolutely furious it wasn't killed in accordance with its sacred Jedi principles

Absolutely furious it wasn’t killed in accordance with its sacred Jedi principles

Several animal welfare groups claimed today that”Decent, neo-liberal Western abattoir methods are infinitely preferable to the decadent barbaric process of Halal slaughter.”

The comments come after questions about the labelling of meat suddenly became the third most important thing in the country – a furore stemming from the fact that some animals slaughtered according to Halal principles have packaging which neglects to mention this.

Brittany Wurstlove, of pressure group ‘Treat ‘em Nice, Then Cleave and Dice’, said “It is positively immoral that live animals are having their throats cut because of some towel-head mumbo jumbo, instead of being ripped apart by the razor-clawed hands of decent, atheistic abattoir robots.

“If you were

May 2, 2014

‘I never even NOTICED the glass has dimples’ hipsters protest

by philapilus

‘I just wanna check, yah; this is definitely from a micro-brewery isn’t it?’

Hipsters with carefully manicured beards and skinny jeans have insisted that they are not drinking beer out of dimpled pint glasses just to be cool.

The trendyites’ protestations were prompted by an article on the BBC website, which linked the ironic preference for the traditional glass tankard to being an egotistical arsewit.

Hipster Thom Austin said “I never even noticed  the glass had dimples. I’m so not about image. I’ve had my skinny trousers rolled up above the heel since I was in the womb, man.

“I’m not some

April 17, 2014

Easter holidays to be frittered away

by philapilus

Experts said this morning that you are going to completely waste your Easter break, despite your good intentions.

“Ideal for self-improvement!” said no one, ever.

Plans to read mind-improving books, learn a language, play that instrument which is gathering dust in a cupboard, or even just to occasionally open the door and go outside for a minute, are all doomed to fail.

Holiday-wastage analyst, Wendy Nailinthehead, said “Your ambitious plans are ridiculous. You should give up on them.

“You aren’t going to spend

March 26, 2014

Danish zoo: “Lion culling and new ‘Big Game’ restaurant unrelated”

by philapilus

God I could really go for one of those right now; I’m starving

The Danish zoo which gained notoriety for euthanising Marius the giraffe last month has denied that its new culling of four lions is in any way linked to the opening of a new exotic meats restaurant.

Manager of Copenhagen zoo, Pernilla Hvalros, said that ‘Big Game Burger’, which the zoo hopes will one day become an outlet-chain, was “in no way connected with our completely legitimate and necessary killing of big game creatures.”

Hvalros said “Although the menu offers Bacon Double Lion Burgers, and an XL Giraffe-fillet Sandwich, these are just fanciful, playful, product-titles.

“All our burgers are made with meat from the normal cattle; horses, sheep, and maybe the odd cow every now and then.”

March 17, 2014

Daily Cartoon: Stefan Belle on the budget

by philapilus

Once again we bring you the daily cartoon syndicated from sister paper the Grauniad! Today satirist Stefan Belle has, with outstanding, impartial insight, cut right to the heart of the budget debate! No wonder they call him “one of the least irrelevant 18th century

February 2, 2014

Heston Blumenthal’s latest dish causes issues

by unpseudable

Served live, garnished with an aiguillette of bull’s penis

Renowned for his trademark ‘bat-shit crazy’ recipes such as snail porridge, and bacon and egg ice cream, celebrity chef Heston Blumenthal has been accused of going “a bit far” by hygiene inspectors with the introduction of his new, experimental, Norovirus soufflé in his London restaurant, Dinner.

Customers who chose the perilous dish said they experienced a unique taste sensation, shortly followed by a variety of increasingly severe stomach pains, violent vomiting and lingering diarrhoea. A source close to Blumenthal said that the gourmet found the diners’ reactions “helpful in his ongoing quest to literally confuse the shit out of the relatively well-off.  However, the fucker left me to deal with their ‘reactions’ in the toilets afterwards.”

This is not the first time

January 31, 2014

Cameron to ask Hollande for ‘tips with the ladies’

by philapilus

Cameron is relying on good old British bitter – honey in the mouth, a lead cannonball on the stomach – to get Hollande tipsy enough to share some of his ‘moves’

As David Cameron prepares to take Francois Hollande to the pub this afternoon, reports have emerged that the prime minister intends to press a tipsy Hollande for advice on how to pull.

After talks at Brize Norton about the EU, and a political tug-of-war over sovereign powers, the two men will go for a ‘cheeky pint’ at the local boozer.

Here Cameron plans to describe his marital frustrations, and ask Hollande how one goes about getting the phone numbers of hot actresses.

An aide said “Dave and Sam do

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