Archive for ‘Food’

May 8, 2015

My favourite hat recipes, by Paddy Ashdown

by philapilus

“Of course, when I said I’d literally eat it I didn’t mean I’d literally eat it…”

Hi everyone! Paddy here again, with more of my favourite hat recipes!

As I said to Andrew Neil last night I don’t currently have any hats in the larder – but who does?! They’re so delicious you absolutely have to gobble them up straight away like a really fine chocolate truffle!

But after so many of you generously offered to

April 9, 2015

British politicians ‘too thick to feed themselves’

by philapilus

“We did a graph”

A groundbreaking study has discovered that many MPs lack the basic intelligence required to open their mouths and put food in.

Research undertaken at the Slough School of Thick found that political success was inversely related to managing-to-feed-yourself success.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, author of the report, said “We began our project some time back, trying to find out why Ed Miliband couldn’t eat a bacon sandwich.

“But we

April 7, 2015

American Pie song “is actually about pie”

by philapilus

‘The Levy was dry’ refers to the dark day when Mclean’s favourite shop, Levy’s Little Bakery, ran out of stewed apples

Fans of American Pie, the so-called ‘song of the century’ were left reeling with disappointment today, after 16 pages of notes revealed that Don Mclean’s 8 1/2 minute epic is actually just about pies.

The manuscript, which is to be auctioned at Christie’s, was expected to contain detailed annotations for some of the song’s stranger lyrical moments, providing commentary and explanation for phrases that have been puzzled over by fans for decades.

But, says auctioneer Leslie Fanshawe-Haines-Haines, the document is basically one very long list of the types of pie that Don Mclean was particularly fond of.

Fanshawe-Haines-Haines said “My hands were

February 10, 2015

Earth’s core made of Creme Egg filling

by philapilus

An artist’s impression of the calamitous aftermath resulting from a giant meteor colliding with Earth

A team of scientists investigating the Earth’s core have made the remarkable discovery that it is, in fact, entirely composed of the weirdly addictive, sugary gunk that you find inside a Cadbury’s Creme Egg.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, leader of the American and Chinese project, said “The scientific community has variously believed that the centre of the Earth was

February 4, 2015

Fatties celebrate news that ‘jogging is bad for you’

by philapilus

Bit overweight? Well whatever you do, do NOT start exercising

A paper published in the Journal of the American College of Cardiology has claimed that too much jogging is bad for you — news which has delighted large people everywhere.Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough College of Sloth, wheezed “Those of us who have trouble getting through doorways are feeling extremely smug today.

“Finally we have a put down for all those joggers who smirk at our girth as they pass: ‘enjoy your heart attack, fitboy!’

“The rotund shall

January 29, 2015

Tesco apologises for ‘kill the poor’ strategy

by philapilus

“Now with no added strychnine”

Tesco has apologised to customers, after it was discovered that the supermarket giant was attempting to whittle down the working class by lacing its own-brand range with poison.

The facts surfaced after the company’s own-brand blackcurrant and apple squash was reported by consumers to have “a smell like the overflowing latrines of hell itself.”

Spokesperson Percy Spoke said “We would like to formally apologise that the poison in our range for the poor was discovered. We were

November 12, 2014

Hunt: “Donut burger will keep the statistics favourable”

by philapilus

It’s just possible that this isn’t a good idea

Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has come out in support of the controversial Double Donut burger, saying that it will “Be the most significant easing of pressure on the NHS since Mrs Thatcher’s plan to thin out the poor.”

The burger, advertised as ‘containing enough calories in one bite to kill a badger’, has been met with criticism by various health experts, but has been praised by that sizeable proportion of the British public that is too fat to put food into its own mouth without help.

Mr Hunt said “Our well-being, as a

October 9, 2014

GBBO win for ex-PM Major

by philapilus

The judges singled out Major’s ‘Maastricht Muffins’ as one of this year’s highlights

Sir John Major said he was “surprised but delighted” after his victory in yesterday’s final of the 2014 Great British Bake Off.

Judges Mary Berry and Paul Hollywood agreed that the former Conservative prime minister had been “Ahead of the competition from the start.

“His technique and

September 22, 2014

Tesco makes minor accounting error of £250m

by philapilus

Turns out just moving it from the warehouse to the shop doesn’t count; you actually have to ‘sell it’ all too.

Tesco has defended its £250m profit overstatement today in a press release, pointing out that “adding and subtracting are really difficult”.

The supermarket giant said that its accounts were wrong to the tune of a quarter of a billion because it can be very hard to distinguish between revenue you have earned, and revenue you haven’t earned.

Tesco’s chief accountant, Todd Cupboard, told reporters “It’s not so much a ‘mistake’, it’s more

September 2, 2014

Greenhouse gases soar as vegetarian smugness pumps into environment

by philapilus

“Face it; I am just better than you in every way”

Scientists said greenhouse gas emissions increased alarmingly yesterday, after a report warned that rising meat consumption had negative environmental effects – leading vegetarians to give off unprecedented amounts of smug.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough School of The World’s Going to Shit, said “As meat consumption increases we see a corresponding rise in deforestation, cow-flatulence and thus rising greenhouse gases.

“But all of that pales into insignificance compared to the sheer enormity of self-righteous twattery that vegetarians across the UK emitted yesterday. It is


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