Archive for ‘Europe’

June 30, 2014

Cameron: ‘Man who disagrees with me is worst possible thing for Europe’

by philapilus

 

Representing the UK like a BOSS

Representing the UK like a BOSS

David Cameron said today that the appointment of Jean-Claude Juncker “is the worst thing to hit Europe since Nazism, and may even be as bad as the Status Quo tour of 1988″.

The Prime Minister rang Juncker this afternoon to congratulate him, but immediately afterwards called a press conference in which he ranted for fifteen minutes about how the European Commission president-designate was “A gaylord, and wanker of the highest order”.

He went on to compare Juncker to the Black Death, Nazism, and

June 6, 2014

“Would you say you’re about to die any moment now?” BBC asks D-Day veterans

by philapilus
D-day veterans on Sword Beach as a military aircraft flys past

Oh, get on with it

Reporters covering the ceremonies for the 70th anniversary of D-Day, have spent the morning interviewing the handful of veterans who are still alive – principally about when this state of affairs will cease to exist.

BBC defence correspondent Caroline Wyatt said “I am here in Normandy with Major Lesley Fanshawe-Haines-Haines, one of the last surviving field commanders from the Landings.

“Major, you’re very, very old; do you think you’ll die in the next few minutes? Maybe even during this interview? Are you sure? Well, what if you tried a bit harder, perhaps?”

The bewildered huddle of

June 5, 2014

Ritual humiliation of Merkel planned for D-Day anniversary

by philapilus

Merkel tries to remain stoic, after learning Silvio Berlusconi has been invited

World leaders are meeting in France tomorrow for the 70th anniversary of the D-Day landings, where it is understood they will line up and take it in turns to break wind in the face of Angela Merkel.

Visiting dignitaries will walk along a short length of red carpet, marked off with gilded rope, at the end of which will be seated the German chancellor, perched on a crude stool.

Each representative will then turn their rear towards Merkel, and let loose up to three anal salutes, which she will be compelled to give the appearance of savouring.

David Cameron, who will be the third Briton to cut the cheese in Merkel’s

May 27, 2014

EU to be put down

by philapilus

this room is finally as it should be

It was agreed this morning that the EU is to be taken out back and shot in the head, finally putting it out of its decades-long misery.

After European elections resulted in a violent swing to the right, a coalition of mutually loathing MEPs – many of them in power for the first time – announced that the EU had to go.

UKIP leader Nigel Farage, who won England after last week’s popularity contest, said “The European Union has fractured into a bunch of xenophobic, petty-minded, egotistical shits. It’s brilliant!

“I’ve longed for

May 21, 2014

Prince Charles congratulates Putin on “admirably German” handling of Ukraine

by philapilus
File:Duke and Duchess of Windsor meet Adolf Hitler 1937.jpg

“And might I just add; we’re huge fans of how you’ve handled the neighbours, Herr Adolf”

Prince Charles has caused a considerable stir this morning, after it emerged he had praised the Russians’ actions over the Ukraine crisis.

The Prince of Wales said that Putin’s annexation of the Crimea and belligerent military pressure on Ukraine were “Very akin to the robust handling of neighbouring states by the Germans, which was so admired by my Great Uncle Eddie.

“My son Harry is also a huge fan of

May 19, 2014

Scientific study links tiredness to racism

by philapilus

DON’T wake him up; it’s basically this or genocide.

Research published today in the British Medical Journal links lack of sleep to racist outbursts, conspiracy theorising, and pathological nostalgia for the 1950s.

The study, published today, coincides neatly with Nigel Farage’s defence of apparent racism in a recent interview, on the grounds that he was very, very tired.

The report’s author, Dr Mike Ock, said “Actually, Mr Farage is a very important case in point here. It’s not that he is a frothing at the mouth moron, he just needs some sleep.”

Farage was destroyed by

May 14, 2014

Farage: ‘No biggie; students all look the same to me anyway’

by philapilus

“This is my invisible tortoise. It’s juicy.”

After a prominent student-member quit UKIP over its racist campaigning, Nigel Farage announced that he couldn’t care less, because “they all look the same to me anyway.”

Sanya-Jeet Thandi, who had been something of a poster-girl for UKIP because she isn’t a belligerent, middle-aged white man, blogged that she was quitting the party’s youth wing, Young Independence.

But Nigel Farage said “What’s one more or less? They should all go back to where they came from anyway.

“Did you know that students are actually descended from a different sort of monkey from us? And, what’s

May 12, 2014

Russell Brand combs hair, dons dress, wins Eurovision

by philapilus
THIS IS NOT NEWS

THIS IS NOT NEWS

Russell Brand said this morning that he was delighted with his victory at Eurovision 2014, and that his win was “A win for, like, all the peeps wot are well nice to each ovver, an’ don’t get in like an argy-bargy over nuffink!”

Brand described the huge difficulty of combing his hair for the contest, an operation which took twelve hairdressers over 36 hours to complete.

“But it was well worf it, eh?” Brand said, adding “And, Austria, like, I’m not bein’ argumental or anyfing, but they said me having a go at Andrew Sachs was the funniest thing wot ever happened. That’s

May 8, 2014

Pro-Russian activists: “There’s no point NOT having a referendum now. That would be stupid.”

by philapilus
240px-Yes-check-black-border.svg

‘We even pre-ticked them to save time’

In a move guaranteed to calm everything right down in the Ukraine, pro-Russian rebels have said they will go ahead with Sunday’s referendum on autonomy.

The activists issued a statement saying “Look, we’ve already printed all the ballots and everything. If we don‘t do it now it will be almost like all the bloodshed and violations of international law weren’t worth it.”

The decision was made just one day after what critics are calling ‘the moment Putin blinked’, when the Russian President mumbled that Ukraine’s attempt to decide its

May 6, 2014

Clegg instructs Lib Dems to shout for help from the rooftops

by philapilus
Cleggcable

No longer the party of the ‘protest vote’, they’re more about the ‘throwaway vote’ now

Nick Clegg has urged supporters and party members to run about wildly, waving their arms and screaming for help.

At the launch of the party’s campaign for the forthcoming local elections, the Lib Dem leader said “The time for complacency is over. We need to get out there, amongst the British people, and shout from the rooftops; ‘Help! We don’t know what we’re doing! Put us out of our misery, before we make things even worse!’

“We are no longer just the protest vote. Somehow, despite losing an election, we transmogrified into a party with a disproportionate amount of power in a coalition government, and we need to use that position as a springboard to talk about our deepest convictions.

“Convictions like our

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