Archive for ‘Europe’

August 29, 2014

Global conflict threatens to divert attention from ‘Baked Alaskagate’

by philapilus

“It’s time to stop waving the chocolate finger of blame and come to the table together, to break bread and make peas”

As the international community steps up its criticism of “Russian cooks interfering in the Ukraine broth”, fears are growing at home that the public is being distracted from Wednesday’s Great British Bake Off fallout.

The GBBO Baked Alaska debacle was recognised immediately as a global crisis. But it has subsequently been overshadowed in UK news by trifling headlines about tasty morsels like the mouthwatering Ukraine crisis, the delicious Ebola outbreak, and the succulent Islamic State being served in Iraq and Syria.

On Wednesday, contestant Diana Beard briefly annexed the freezer, displacing Iain Watter’s ice cream, an act which some experts suggest

August 19, 2014

Assange: ‘I’m probably OK to come out now, yeah?’

by philapilus

“I don’t get out much, but I thought the press would be the best people to ask about my chances for freedom, given their unimpeachable code of honour and great integrity.”

Julian Assange yesterday invited reporters to the Ecuadorian embassy, saying “I just wanted to see if you guys reckon I can come out of hiding yet?”

The Australian fled to the embassy two years ago to avoid extradition to Sweden on charges of sexual assault. He also fears incarceration by the US over the Wikileaks revelations.

Assange exhorted journalists to “Be honest; I really don’t want to make a boob here”, adding “but like, all that stuff was a

August 12, 2014

Russia sends not-at-all suspicious aid convoy to Ukraine

by philapilus

“You couldn’t fit a platoon, a small armoured car, an anti-tank artillery piece and enough supplies and ammunition to last three months into one of these. And we should know, we checked!”

Russia insisted today that the 300 lorries full of food and medicine it is sending to Ukraine “Really don’t need to be checked very thoroughly at all.”

Vladimir Putin, whose country has clashed with the West over Russia’s attempt to dominate the region, said that the vehicles “Are full of socks, vodka, and pickled fish, and definitely not packed with special forces and munitions.”

But Western military intelligence warned that the 45,000 troops currently massing on the

August 5, 2014

Ecclestone clears his name over bribe charges with massive bribe

by philapilus

Mr Ecclestone has been the boss of Formula 1 racing for years, and is worth over $4bn

Bernie Ecclestone today definitively cleared himself from the boggy mire of accusations of financial bribery, using a massive financial bribe.

Ecclestone, who was being prosecuted in a German court, was able to end the bribery trial, through the application of a very large amount of money.

The F1 boss’s legal team, from the Yewlby, Buggerd, Shatton & Pisston partnership, said “No one may accuse Mr Ecclestone of

June 30, 2014

Cameron: ‘Man who disagrees with me is worst possible thing for Europe’

by philapilus

 

Representing the UK like a BOSS

Representing the UK like a BOSS

David Cameron said today that the appointment of Jean-Claude Juncker “is the worst thing to hit Europe since Nazism, and may even be as bad as the Status Quo tour of 1988″.

The Prime Minister rang Juncker this afternoon to congratulate him, but immediately afterwards called a press conference in which he ranted for fifteen minutes about how the European Commission president-designate was “A gaylord, and wanker of the highest order”.

He went on to compare Juncker to the Black Death, Nazism, and

June 6, 2014

“Would you say you’re about to die any moment now?” BBC asks D-Day veterans

by philapilus
D-day veterans on Sword Beach as a military aircraft flys past

Oh, get on with it

Reporters covering the ceremonies for the 70th anniversary of D-Day, have spent the morning interviewing the handful of veterans who are still alive – principally about when this state of affairs will cease to exist.

BBC defence correspondent Caroline Wyatt said “I am here in Normandy with Major Lesley Fanshawe-Haines-Haines, one of the last surviving field commanders from the Landings.

“Major, you’re very, very old; do you think you’ll die in the next few minutes? Maybe even during this interview? Are you sure? Well, what if you tried a bit harder, perhaps?”

The bewildered huddle of

June 5, 2014

Ritual humiliation of Merkel planned for D-Day anniversary

by philapilus

Merkel tries to remain stoic, after learning Silvio Berlusconi has been invited

World leaders are meeting in France tomorrow for the 70th anniversary of the D-Day landings, where it is understood they will line up and take it in turns to break wind in the face of Angela Merkel.

Visiting dignitaries will walk along a short length of red carpet, marked off with gilded rope, at the end of which will be seated the German chancellor, perched on a crude stool.

Each representative will then turn their rear towards Merkel, and let loose up to three anal salutes, which she will be compelled to give the appearance of savouring.

David Cameron, who will be the third Briton to cut the cheese in Merkel’s

May 27, 2014

EU to be put down

by philapilus

this room is finally as it should be

It was agreed this morning that the EU is to be taken out back and shot in the head, finally putting it out of its decades-long misery.

After European elections resulted in a violent swing to the right, a coalition of mutually loathing MEPs – many of them in power for the first time – announced that the EU had to go.

UKIP leader Nigel Farage, who won England after last week’s popularity contest, said “The European Union has fractured into a bunch of xenophobic, petty-minded, egotistical shits. It’s brilliant!

“I’ve longed for

May 21, 2014

Prince Charles congratulates Putin on “admirably German” handling of Ukraine

by philapilus
File:Duke and Duchess of Windsor meet Adolf Hitler 1937.jpg

“And might I just add; we’re huge fans of how you’ve handled the neighbours, Herr Adolf”

Prince Charles has caused a considerable stir this morning, after it emerged he had praised the Russians’ actions over the Ukraine crisis.

The Prince of Wales said that Putin’s annexation of the Crimea and belligerent military pressure on Ukraine were “Very akin to the robust handling of neighbouring states by the Germans, which was so admired by my Great Uncle Eddie.

“My son Harry is also a huge fan of

May 19, 2014

Scientific study links tiredness to racism

by philapilus

DON’T wake him up; it’s basically this or genocide.

Research published today in the British Medical Journal links lack of sleep to racist outbursts, conspiracy theorising, and pathological nostalgia for the 1950s.

The study, published today, coincides neatly with Nigel Farage’s defence of apparent racism in a recent interview, on the grounds that he was very, very tired.

The report’s author, Dr Mike Ock, said “Actually, Mr Farage is a very important case in point here. It’s not that he is a frothing at the mouth moron, he just needs some sleep.”

Farage was destroyed by

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