Archive for ‘Europe’

April 22, 2014

Farage defends UKIP posters: “if anything, they’re not racist enough”

by philapilus
"They're coming! They're coooommmmmmming! (Vote UKIP)"

“They’re coming! They’re coooommmmmmming! (Oh, and be sure to vote UKIP)”

Nigel Farage has defended UKIP’s poster campaign for the European elections, claiming the images are based on “Facts and documented statistics, which prove definitively that everyone living East of Frankfurt has eaten at least four British babies in the last two years.”

One controversial poster shows an unstoppable zombie horde of swarthy men and whiskered women, advancing from Dover and devouring all in their path, halting occasionally only to perform undeclared manual labouring jobs, such as shoddy bricklaying.

Another shows elderly British grandmothers being murdered in their beds by scheming foreign devils, and yet another – known to be Farage’s personal favourite – shows him dressed in a crusader’s tabard, wielding an Excalibur-like sword and laying waste to a force of elite benefits claimants.

The UKIP leader said today that “93% of all

April 10, 2014

Cameron’s Europe manifesto “Unlikely to mention Maria Miller”

by philapilus

David Cameron will this afternoon be launching the Conservative manifesto for the European elections, in which he will not be making constant references to the recently departed culture secretary.

“Let me make this clear: this is NOT about not talking about Maria Miller”

In the speech the Prime Minister will say “Europe” quite a lot, and will also frequently use the word “Britain”.

Whilst saying these things he will simultaneously not be saying “Maria Miller”, “Culture Secretary” or “Expenses”.

This has surprised many

April 2, 2014

British air invaded by foreign pollution that doesn’t even pay tax

by philapilus

Can’t understand English at all

The government has issued health warnings today, after a bunch of foreign air pollutants from as far afield as the Sahara desert began descending upon the country in their millions.

A Defra spokesman said “Emissions from Europe and dust whipped up from the Sahara by strong winds will make normal, patriotic British breathing much harder than usual today.

“We feel strongly that it is important to highlight the foreign nature of these contaminants, and most especially to direct your attention to the fact that if it weren’t for these pollutants, everything would be great, and you’d all have

March 28, 2014

Giant rodent ‘Morganzilla’ found in Swedish kitchen

by philapilus

Many Swedes say they have been unable to sleep since seeing pictures of the rodent, and feel constantly sullied and dirty.

Pictures of a giant Piers Morgan caught in a trap have taken Swedish social media by storm, after a Stockholm family captured the oversize rodent in their kitchen.

Father of four, Eric Ericsson, said to Swedish SVT news “We noticed a foul stench coming from the kitchen, accompanied by a horrible chattering sound.

“I opened the door, and there was this horrible creature sitting there, it’s massive, bloated head between its legs so it could lick its

March 27, 2014

Sport: Flyweight ‘In/Out’ title, Farage vs Clegg

by philapilus

The best bit was when they had both fucked off

Anticipation ran high ahead of last night’s title-fight for the coveted European ‘In/Out’ belt, and an unprecedented crowd of 147 people arrived – more than have ever come to see either fighter before.

The match was mired in controversy before it even began, after a weigh-in on Tuesday which had seen both men struggle to make the minimum weight limit.

Accusations came from both entourages that the opposing fighter had stuffed his pants, but even

March 25, 2014

Daily Cartoon: Martin Rowyerboatson

by philapilus

Today’s cartoon of the day, syndicated from the Gauridan, showcases the brilliant talent of Martin Rowyerboatson. Martin, like his comrade Steve Belle, knows how to use the fine scalpel of subtle satire to operate on the bloated, diseased body of that evil old world!! 

 

This cartoon doesn’t have Cameron in, but if it did, he would be shiny and pink, and look really stupid! Grrrrr to the Tories!!!!

March 24, 2014

British military shouldn’t model itself on ‘Dad’s Army’, says expert

by philapilus
Dads Army

Britain’s army waits for its high-spec military transport, the 15:35 branchline service from Cookham to Maidenhead

A former head of the army said today that “The bit in the Dad’s Army title sequence, when the British flag retreats over the English channel and sits quivering on the coast of East Sussex, is not a suitable model for our armed forces.”

Sir Leslie Fanshawe-Haines-Haines added that the British Army’s continued reduction in numbers and increasing reliance on octogenarian part-timers, “make it extremely hard to respond to Putin’s annexation of the Crimea with anything more forceful than a remonstrative letter.

“Furthermore, pulling back from our bases in Germany – like the UK triangles fleeing from the Swastika triangles at the start of that excellent comedy show – is going to make us look like a right bunch of twats.”

But Defence Secretary Philip Hammond took a

March 18, 2014

Sanctions on 6 Russians fail to deter Putin from swallowing Crimea

by philapilus

Russia’s credibility has reached the ‘jumping the shark’ stage. “AAYYYY!”

Experts say that the international community’s robust and vigorous imposing of sanctions on Russian diplomats has not yet managed to change Russia’s plan to annex the Crimea.

The region, which voted overwhelmingly to become a Russian republic at the weekend, was described by Vladimir Putin as “Mouth-wateringly succulent, with a lingering aroma of aniseed”.

Mr Putin told the Russian parliament that “The democratic wish of the Crimean people to be devoured, must be respected.

“Speaker of the

March 12, 2014

Miliband less keen on destroying UK than Cameron

by philapilus
File:Europe satellite globe.jpg

“If they weren’t so bloody close we wouldn’t get all these horrible garlicky smells wafting over the channel”

Ed Miliband said today that a Labour government might refrain from letting the British people commit economic and political suicide by severing themselves from the EU.

Miliband said Labour might hold a referendum, but that they would probably think a little bit about how and when, and only do it if it were necessary, rather than just pushing for one blindly, which is the Conservative plan.

A Labour spokesman said “Letting the cattle who read the Daily Mail vote on whether to leave Europe, whilst goading them to do so, is a little bit like pushing an elephant off a cliff and asking it to

March 10, 2014

Scotland and UK united in despising Gordon Brown

by philapilus

“Just awful”

Ex-PM Gordon Brown has once again managed to defuse tensions and heal rifts, by getting the opposing sides on the Scottish Independence question to unite in their joint hatred of him.

Brown outlined a six part plan for power-sharing between London and Edinburgh, cities which until now have been locked in a bitter tug of war.

Both sides immediately and simultaneously issued statements offering the olive branch, each agreeing to “anything you ask for, as long as we can join together in telling that one-eyed prick to piss off.”

A contrite UK said

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