Archive for ‘Europe’

April 28, 2015

RAF to buy Spitfire as riposte to Russian display of might

by philapilus

This is probably fine, right? Nothing to worry about?

As Russia prepares for the world’s biggest ever military parade, the RAF has announced its intention to purchase a renovated WW2 Spitfire, in a retaliatory show of force.

Whilst Russia’s WW2 celebratory parade will showcase new tanks, ICBM missiles, devices for torturing Ukrainians, and hundreds of T-1000 terminators, Britain will be saving really hard to bolster its own arsenal with a 70-year old plane made of aluminium.

An MoD spokesman said “The RAF – like all our armed services – has

January 26, 2015

Greece presents Brussels and Berlin with large wooden horse

by philapilus

Now considered luxurious living space, compared with the ruin the rest of the country is in

Greece’s creditors were said to be “surprised but delighted” this morning, after the new anti-austerity coalition led by Alexis Tsipras sent them a really beautiful, big wooden horse.

Hans Onmycok, a spokesperson for the European Central Bank, said “Ja, ve are being very worried about zer new coalition, but zen zey sent zis pretty big horse! It has a note saying ‘Don’t Open Yet!’, und we are vaiting for zem to tell us when ve can be opening it. I am sure it has lots of lovely bailout repayments, inside, naturlich.”

The far-left Syriza party has joined forces with the

November 17, 2014

“Kissing?! Ewww, gross.” say Dutch scientists

by philapilus

“Urrrgh! That’s DISGUSTING!”

A group of Dutch scientists have published a report claiming that kissing “is totally yuck, gay, and gives you cooties.”

The team from the Netherlands Organisation for Applied Scientific Research spent many months hanging around behind the bikesheds, spying on couples kissing, occasionally shouting rude words at them, and then running away.

Professor Dick van Dyck said “We’ve seen a lot of couples snogging now, and

November 13, 2014

Rosetta’s ‘Philae’ lands on comet, celebrities disembark

by philapilus

Soon all this boring space-rock shit will be replaced with live footage of Charles Kennedy trying to lick Marmite off his foot for a dare

The Philae probe,  successfully landed on Comet 67/P yesterday, has now locked securely to the surface, and unfolded into a house full of cameras and celebrities, as planned.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough branch of the European Space Agency, said “The extraordinary achievement of sending Rosetta on a 10 year, 6 billion km journey, is considerable.

“But now the really important part of the mission is about to begin: beaming back footage for the first ever series of ‘I’m a Celebrity: Get Me Off This Comet’.”

A number of

November 11, 2014

Cameron scores major EU victory, demanding legislation already in place

by philapilus

“And another thing; we demand that all of Europe apart from us adopt a common currency and call it, I dunno, ‘the Euro’, or something.”

The Conservatives are claiming credit for putting pressure on Europe today, after a thing they have been pushing for turned out to be already covered under current laws.

David Cameron said that an EU Court ruling, that member states can refuse financial aid to so-called benefit tourists,  “Supports not only my opinion, but the whole thinking of the Conservative party in general.

“I am glad they have finally bowed to British pressure, my requests, and decent common sense, in introducing this legal right, several years before I demanded they do so.”

But some critics suggest

November 10, 2014

Catatonia: We will not be cowed by Spain

by philapilus

“All we want is freedom from Spain, Yaki Da!”

In an unofficial poll, Welsh indie rock band Catatonia have voted overwhelmingly for independence from Spain.

Breathy-voiced lead singer Cerys Matthews said “That’s popular opinion, see? There’s lovely int it? It’s about time Spain let us go, see? We’ll do very well without them, so we will.”

The independence ballot was an act of defiance, after a ruling by the Spanish constitutional court refused to allow a referendum on autonomy for the famous ’90s britpop act.

The Spanish

November 3, 2014

Cameron to ask Merkel ‘Who won the bloody war?’

by philapilus

The Conservatives have refined their argument to this

After Angela Merkel warned that the UK’s belligerence over immigration control threatens to push it out of the EU, the government said that it was high time the Germans remembered losing the world cup in 1966, and two world wars.

No.10 announced that David Cameron would be meeting with Chancellor Merkel later this week, and would address her by rhetorically screaming “Who won the bloody war, then eh? Eh?” right in her face.

He will go on to perform a racist caricature of a military parade, goosestepping around

October 22, 2014

“And your plan is…?” Russia asks Sweden

by philapilus

‘Ah, um, ohh…yeah that’s…that’s quite…Jesus it’s a biggy…Um, you know what? Actually, you can sail anywhere you like! Who cares about stuffy old nonsense like territorial waters? Not us!’ said Sweden

As the Swedish armed forces continue to search for what they claim is a Russian submarine in the waters near Stockholm, Russia has asked Sweden exactly what it is planning to do about it anyway.

Russian Foreign Minister, Ivan Everhaditov, said “Let’s say, hypothetically, that one of our subs is in your territorial waters.

“In fact, let’s say, hypothetically, it surfaces, and the crew comes out on deck, pull down their pants and

October 21, 2014

Cameron: “I have something important to say about Europe, possibly”

by philapilus

“Come on, come on. Why is this taking me so long? How can it be this hard to have an idea? I know people who have had more than one in a single YEAR…”

The Prime Minister has attempted to breach the divide growing in his own party, by announcing that he might make an announcement about the UK and Europe before Christmas. Probably.

Mr Cameron assured the country and fellow Conservatives that he would “be making a very strong statement, maybe outlining some sort of brilliant strategy, probably in a speech, article, open letter, or possibly in a text to my wife Samantha.

“But the

August 29, 2014

Global conflict threatens to divert attention from ‘Baked Alaskagate’

by philapilus

“It’s time to stop waving the chocolate finger of blame and come to the table together, to break bread and make peas”

As the international community steps up its criticism of “Russian cooks interfering in the Ukraine broth”, fears are growing at home that the public is being distracted from Wednesday’s Great British Bake Off fallout.

The GBBO Baked Alaska debacle was recognised immediately as a global crisis. But it has subsequently been overshadowed in UK news by trifling headlines about tasty morsels like the mouthwatering Ukraine crisis, the delicious Ebola outbreak, and the succulent Islamic State being served in Iraq and Syria.

On Wednesday, contestant Diana Beard briefly annexed the freezer, displacing Iain Watter’s ice cream, an act which some experts suggest

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