Archive for ‘Environment’

April 15, 2014

Clarkson and Titchmarsh to fight to the death

by philapilus

In what promises to be the least interesting cagefight of all time, the smugly bland/blandly smug multi-platform merchandising whore and occasional gardener, Alan Titchmarsh, is to take on bloated masturbator and vroom-vroom fanatic Jeremy Clarkson.

Burying his last victim in front of cheering fans

Clarkson, who holds obnoxious opinions for money, called out the gardening fraternity for not attempting to sodomise cars up the exhaust pipe, saying “They think a hobby is something to spend time and effort on, whilst hugging plants like a big bunch of hippies.

“The only good use of your time is sitting back, switching on the TV, and watching me drive fast cars, with your hand stuck down the front of

April 2, 2014

British air invaded by foreign pollution that doesn’t even pay tax

by philapilus

Can’t understand English at all

The government has issued health warnings today, after a bunch of foreign air pollutants from as far afield as the Sahara desert began descending upon the country in their millions.

A Defra spokesman said “Emissions from Europe and dust whipped up from the Sahara by strong winds will make normal, patriotic British breathing much harder than usual today.

“We feel strongly that it is important to highlight the foreign nature of these contaminants, and most especially to direct your attention to the fact that if it weren’t for these pollutants, everything would be great, and you’d all have

March 25, 2014

Selfie donation errors masterminded by polar bears

by philapilus

Contrary to popular belief, many polar bears do wear make-up, especially copious amounts of eye shadow

It was discovered this morning that the donations intended for the ‘no make-up selfie’ campaign which went erroneously to the WWF, were pilfered as part of a clever ursine scam.

Attempts to divert a sizeable portion of the funds into the WWF’s ‘adopt a polar bear’ campaign, were thwarted when Cancer Research UK administrators noticed that the people who came to collect the money were “nine feet tall and considerably more hairy than you’d expect”.

The subsequent evisceration and devouring of said clerks, and a dropped wallet with pictures of fluffy white cubs in it, enabled even the police to work out that the culprits must be polar bears in disguise.

PC McGarry No. 452, of New Scotland Yard’s Arctic Creatures division, said “This is not the first time that animals have attempted to pilfer funds.

March 17, 2014

We’re all going to die

by unpseudable

Well, it was nice while it lasted

It has been confirmed this week that pretty much the whole of humanity should expect horrific and violent death in the almost immediate future.

A scientific study funded by NASA has hypothesised the various ways in which civilisation will almost certainly collapse in the coming decades.  Climate change, societal instability and war – not to mention unparalleled human fuckwittery – are pinpointed as major problems likely to destroy us all.

In the report, applied mathematician Safa Motesharri concludes that, “throughout history, civilisation appears to be on a sustainable path for quite a long time, but the Elites start consuming too much, resulting in famine among the Masses.  Things go a little haywire, and Bob’s your uncle,

February 27, 2014

New word sought to describe the hypothetical absence of rain

by philapilus

The theory states that all the water just goes somewhere else for a bit, but it is not yet known where

The Met Office has launched a competition, asking the public to come up with a word to describe a rare meteorological phenomenon, which involves water not falling from the sky.

Bernard Cheese, Chief Water Measurer, said today “We are predicting that at some point, over the next 5 months, there might be a short period, of perhaps an hour or so, when the water stops being vertical.

“We don’t yet understand the science of it, but we have learned that water, in its natural state, is sometimes only horizontal, and not absolutely everywhere.

“According to

February 16, 2014

Britain thanks gays for day of celibacy

by philapilus

“Right now, somewhere in Britain, men are doing things to each other that would make your dad feel very, very uncomfortable”

After an unprecedented Sunday in which areas of the country saw blue sky – and occasionally even the sun – the UK has offered thanks to the gay community, who have presumably abstained from having sex all day.

UKIP homosexual weather spokesman, Martin Vinegarsole, said “The last few weeks of Biblical-style destruction have proved that God finds the bum-bandits every bit as annoying as stepping on a piece of LEGO in the dark.

“But today has been dry, sunny, and the neck-high water covering everything has had a lukewarm feel to it, which means that obviously the gays have managed to keep their willies to themselves for a change! Let’s just hope

February 12, 2014

Met Office issues revised flood information

by philapilus

Druids,_in_the_early_morning_glow_of_the_sun

The BBC Weather team

As it predicted yet more flooding today, the Met Office has said Britain’s only chance of survival against the righteous wrath of nature is to sacrifice key national figures, at various sacred coves, waterfalls, and ancient fords.

Weather forecasters were instructed this morning to lose the suits and designer dresses, put on their traditional druidic robes, and crown themselves with wreaths of hawthorn, before telling the cowed peasantry the most magical locations for ritually murdering a selection of politicians and celebrities.

BBC weatherman, Tomasz Schafernaker, said “Obviously you’ll want to keep an eye on regional television, to see which famous people should be dressed in white robes and then hacked up with a sickle, in your particular area.

“But the broad picture for the UK is that Prince Charles needs to be dismembered and thrown off Beachy Head, the Spice Girls must

February 7, 2014

Environment Agency to search for fabled Somerset

by philapilus

It is believed they made vessels of clay, like this one, because the strong cider could melt its way through metal or glass containers.

Environment Agency chief, Chris Smith, will lead a nautical expedition today, to search for the legendary sunken county of Somerset.

Smith spoke to reporters, before boarding his ship, the ‘Too Little Too Late’, and said “Somerset has always been a part of our mythical folklore, and the romance of a long-lost, sea-claimed land is enticing to us.

“Like Atlantis, Somerset represents man’s yearning for a forgotten past, and the danger of humanity’s pride before the

January 29, 2014

Rubbish bins to get round-the-clock police protection

by unpseudable

Highly sought-after refuse with a ‘street value’ of almost nothing

The Crown Prosecution Service this week took steps to ensure the ongoing mass wastage of food, by prosecuting three people who took a bit of rubbish from a bin.

Three men were arrested suspected of having taken some veg and cheese destined for landfill, after an audacious police operation to apprehend them.

Recounting the events of the evening, PC Bill Copper said, “We arrived on the scene just behind Iceland (the shop, not the country) at 11.57pm.  On seeing the perpetrators I said, ‘hold it right there’, and basically they did.  At that point, the adrenaline took over and I just did what I had to do: wandered over to them, said ‘you’re under arrest’ and, well, put the handcuffs on.”

The arrests were welcomed

January 24, 2014

Facebook “finest campaigning force for good known to man”

by philapilus

Facebook has discovered that this activity, which it has provisionally called ‘whaling’, has been going on for centuries!

After a recent Facebook campaign drew attention to the plight of pilot whales, which are brutally slaughtered by Faroe islanders in an annual killing spree, the social media site has been labelled “the only way anyone will ever find anything out from now on”.

Wendy Nailinthehead, self-described ‘born again environmentalist’ said “Normally I spend my evenings eating Wotsits, watching Downton Abbey, and wanking in the bath, but yesterday I saw this Facebook page about bloodthirsty Danish people killing whales

“It takes place in the land of Faraway Islands, or something, and it’s just really nasty. Well, I took immediate action. I fired off a ‘Like’ for the page campaigning against it, and commented ‘DISlike’, with an 

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