Archive for ‘Environment’

September 2, 2014

Greenhouse gases soar as vegetarian smugness pumps into environment

by philapilus

“Face it; I am just better than you in every way”

Scientists said greenhouse gas emissions increased alarmingly yesterday, after a report warned that rising meat consumption had negative environmental effects – leading vegetarians to give off unprecedented amounts of smug.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough School of The World’s Going to Shit, said “As meat consumption increases we see a corresponding rise in deforestation, cow-flatulence and thus rising greenhouse gases.

“But all of that pales into insignificance compared to the sheer enormity of self-righteous twattery that vegetarians across the UK emitted yesterday. It is

July 1, 2014

UK must keep Trident for 1980s re-enactments, say experts

by philapilus

Like a big pretty flower

The Trident Commission has insisted that the UK needs to retain its nuclear capabilities, or face being unable to participate in historical re-enactments of nuclear-apocalypse paranoia.

In its report, the Commission stated “Imagine going to Warwick castle for a day out, and discovering that none of the pretend knights have swords. Or watching a joust where they have to throw blancmange at one another, because they aren’t allowed lances?

“That’s sort of what  it’ll be like if we get rid of Trident.”

The Commission insists that

May 28, 2014

All court evidence to be delivered “through the medium of song”

by philapilus
File:Kazoo.jpg

“The Defence calls for a kazoo, m’lud…”

After Rolf Harris surprised jurors in his sex abuse trial yesterday with renditions of his musical hits, the High Court has ruled that in future all evidence is to be given through song.

Judge Dreydd, Lord Chief Justice of England and Wales, said “I don’t know if Rolf’s guilty or not, but it’s the first time I’ve ever seen a jury stay awake for the whole session.

“From now on it is going to be mandatory for all witnesses and defendants to communicate solely through song – although they will be allowed to accompany themselves on wobble-board, spoons, or the kazoo.

“Anyone who

May 19, 2014

Antarctic diet working, say climate change sceptics

by philapilus

“Someone left the tap running, that’s all”

The surprisingly large number of people who still think climate change isn’t happening said today that the Antarctic was looking especially trim this summer, and “clearly benefitting from its 5:2 diet.”

Wendy Nailinthehead, who realised climate change and global warming “was a bunch of arse” when her drafty flat failed to turn into a toasty sauna, said “People say the Antarctic has lost double the amount of ice they were expecting.

“But if you ask me, its about time. It was starting to get very podgy around the thighs and belly.

“Now it has a whole ‘New Look’, and its going to be bikinis and sarongs all the way.”

Climate change sceptic, Dr Tim Twanks said

April 25, 2014

Cornish people granted Endangered Species status

by philapilus
The species is also threatened because heavy deforestation has all but destroyed the plant which provides its only food source; the pasty tree

The species is also threatened because heavy deforestation has all but destroyed the plant which provides its only food source; the pasty tree

The International Union for the Conservation of Nature has granted the Cornish the status of ‘Endangered Species’, just one step down from ‘Critically Endangered’, in a bid to prevent the extinction of the entire native population of Cornwall.

Dr Yaka T Yak of the IUCN said “The Cornish is a pleasant, gentle animal – a bit simple, yes, I’ll grant you, but you can feed one from the palm of your hand the very first time you meet it. Unlike the Geordie for instance, which would take your arm off at the shoulder with its foul, pestilent fangs.”

Dr Yak continued “The Cornish makes a pleasing babbling sound, which no one has ever managed to interpret, but they are showing evidence of becoming tool-using mammals, after similarly underevolved primates from Devonshire taught them how to roll round things along the ground.

“Yet sadly this

April 15, 2014

Clarkson and Titchmarsh to fight to the death

by philapilus

In what promises to be the least interesting cagefight of all time, the smugly bland/blandly smug multi-platform merchandising whore and occasional gardener, Alan Titchmarsh, is to take on bloated masturbator and vroom-vroom fanatic Jeremy Clarkson.

Burying his last victim in front of cheering fans

Clarkson, who holds obnoxious opinions for money, called out the gardening fraternity for not attempting to sodomise cars up the exhaust pipe, saying “They think a hobby is something to spend time and effort on, whilst hugging plants like a big bunch of hippies.

“The only good use of your time is sitting back, switching on the TV, and watching me drive fast cars, with your hand stuck down the front of

April 2, 2014

British air invaded by foreign pollution that doesn’t even pay tax

by philapilus

Can’t understand English at all

The government has issued health warnings today, after a bunch of foreign air pollutants from as far afield as the Sahara desert began descending upon the country in their millions.

A Defra spokesman said “Emissions from Europe and dust whipped up from the Sahara by strong winds will make normal, patriotic British breathing much harder than usual today.

“We feel strongly that it is important to highlight the foreign nature of these contaminants, and most especially to direct your attention to the fact that if it weren’t for these pollutants, everything would be great, and you’d all have

March 25, 2014

Selfie donation errors masterminded by polar bears

by philapilus

Contrary to popular belief, many polar bears do wear make-up, especially copious amounts of eye shadow

It was discovered this morning that the donations intended for the ‘no make-up selfie’ campaign which went erroneously to the WWF, were pilfered as part of a clever ursine scam.

Attempts to divert a sizeable portion of the funds into the WWF’s ‘adopt a polar bear’ campaign, were thwarted when Cancer Research UK administrators noticed that the people who came to collect the money were “nine feet tall and considerably more hairy than you’d expect”.

The subsequent evisceration and devouring of said clerks, and a dropped wallet with pictures of fluffy white cubs in it, enabled even the police to work out that the culprits must be polar bears in disguise.

PC McGarry No. 452, of New Scotland Yard’s Arctic Creatures division, said “This is not the first time that animals have attempted to pilfer funds.

March 17, 2014

We’re all going to die

by unpseudable

Well, it was nice while it lasted

It has been confirmed this week that pretty much the whole of humanity should expect horrific and violent death in the almost immediate future.

A scientific study funded by NASA has hypothesised the various ways in which civilisation will almost certainly collapse in the coming decades.  Climate change, societal instability and war – not to mention unparalleled human fuckwittery – are pinpointed as major problems likely to destroy us all.

In the report, applied mathematician Safa Motesharri concludes that, “throughout history, civilisation appears to be on a sustainable path for quite a long time, but the Elites start consuming too much, resulting in famine among the Masses.  Things go a little haywire, and Bob’s your uncle,

February 27, 2014

New word sought to describe the hypothetical absence of rain

by philapilus

The theory states that all the water just goes somewhere else for a bit, but it is not yet known where

The Met Office has launched a competition, asking the public to come up with a word to describe a rare meteorological phenomenon, which involves water not falling from the sky.

Bernard Cheese, Chief Water Measurer, said today “We are predicting that at some point, over the next 5 months, there might be a short period, of perhaps an hour or so, when the water stops being vertical.

“We don’t yet understand the science of it, but we have learned that water, in its natural state, is sometimes only horizontal, and not absolutely everywhere.

“According to

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