Archive for ‘Entertainment’

February 23, 2015

Oscars 2015: Douglas Hurd ‘Surprised but delighted’ with Best Director Gong

by philapilus

 

 

Oddie missed his night of glory, having been refused entry to the ceremony after turning up pissed in a Hawaiian shirt

Lord Douglas Hurd expressed astonishment at his “completely unexpected” Oscars win last night, for directorial debut ‘Birdman’, his fictionalised account of the life of Bill Oddie.

Unable to attend the ceremony because of onerous government duties in Westminster, Hurd’s acceptance speech was read out by avid twitcher and bearhunter, Chris Packham.

“Douglas says; ‘I never thought for a moment that the biggest film award ceremony in the world would show such interest in the life of a former Goodie, but am

January 30, 2015

Centuries-old body of Buddhist monk had ticket to see Rolling Stones

by philapilus

This etching from the 1850s shows the exact moment that Keith wrote the riff for ‘Brown Sugar’

A ticket to one of the first concerts by the Rolling Stones has been discovered amongst the artefacts belonging to a Buddhist monk, who died in the 1800s.

The very-well preserved corpse, discovered in Mongolia, has sat serenely in the Lotus position for perhaps 200 years, with all the appearance of having found peace and enlightenment at the moment of death.

Amongst his pockets archaeologists have found a big bag of weed, a score for pan-pipes music, and a ticket to see ‘Ye Rollinge Stones, in ye Hydde Park, LonDon.’

The ticket, which

January 16, 2015

Meryl Streep receives 107th Oscar nomination

by philapilus

She was nominated last year for waving

Hollywood actress Meryl Streep is celebrating her 107th nomination for an Academy Award, for her portrayal of Meryl Streep in ‘Into the Woods’.

Streep, who has been favourably referred to as “The most consistently overrated actress of her – or any other – generation”, said she was delighted that once again she had been nominated for turning up on a set somewhere.

The Oscars ceremony, now in its

December 15, 2014

Triumph for Major in X Factor Final

by philapilus

She got a body like an hourglass, but I can give it to you all the time…

Sir John Major said this morning he was”walking on air” after winning this year’s X factor.

The former Conservative Prime Minister said he had entered the competition initially “for a laugh” and had no expectations of getting anywhere with it.

But Major wowed audiences in the early stages with extraordinary renditions of classics like ‘Two Little Boys’ and ‘Tie me Kangaroo Down’ – both by disgraced

December 15, 2014

Sewell on Theatre: 2B’s Nativity Play

by philapilus

One was hardly put in mind of Piero Della Francesca

Review by Brian Sewell

Depressingly, this year’s offering to the dramatic muses Thalia and Melpomene once again took place in the School Hall – that most unimpressive and drab of venues. But one cannot blame the actors for that.

What one can – and does – blame the actors for, however, is the appalling quality of the performance. After last year’s debacle one hoped that the budding thespians would put some effort into their art.

But alas, the same ill-prepared cast recited lines in a manner that could only be evidence of severe mental retardation, under the

December 8, 2014

Tory MPs ordered to play Candy Crush

by philapilus

Hours of fun for Hurd and Whitelaw

It has emerged that MP Nigel Mills, who was caught playing Candy Crush Saga during a committee session, was simply obeying party instructions.

Conservative party chairman Grant Shapps confirmed he had told Mr Mills to play Candy Crush throughout the Work and Pensions hearing “to keep him from doing any real damage.”

Nigel Mills said “I have been told to spend all my Commons sessions either playing games on my phone, nodding off, or

November 28, 2014

Black Friday footage to replace boy-receiving-tablet as ‘most inspirational’ video

by philapilus

No red-blooded Brit could fail to be moved to tears by consumption-fuelled carnage

A viral video of an Argentinean boy crying with gratitude over a present, has been superseded by footage of shoppers fighting over TVs, as the UK’s most-shared inspirational clip.

The home video of the happily weeping boy has brought saccharine-flavoured tears to the eyes of hundreds of thousands of British people in recent weeks.

But this morning it dropped completely off the radar, after videos surfaced of shoppers in Tesco’s beating the shit out of each other over electrical goods that were being sold at a slightly-reduced price.

This was immediately

November 16, 2014

Pick-up artists — the facts

by articulatedsheep

The bizarre world of the “pick up artist”, or PUA, has currently come under the spotlight as a result of the noted PUA Julien Blanc being denied a visa to visit Australia, with similar steps being taken to prohibit his travel to the UK. But what are pick-up artists, and what are the tips and tricks they claim can be used to ensure that any man who used them will be knee-deep in ladyjuice by the end of a night out?

QAPLA'!

QAPLA’!

For a long time these tricks have been jealously guarded. PUAs make a substantial living from seminars in soulless airport hotels where desperate, lonely men pay eyewatering amounts of money for the privilege of listening to self-styled PUAs with open shirts and ridiculous hair honking about their sexual prowess. This valuable income stream would be eliminated were the whole gamut of their techniques to become public. Here, however, we are able to present a small selection of some of them.

November 7, 2014

Deceitful band frontman CAN hear you

by philapilus

He knows EXACTLY what you’re saying, the deceitful little jerk

It has emerged that the lead singer or frontman of every band on the planet can actually hear the audience, despite frequent protestations to the contrary.

Musicians admitted that the whole  ‘Are you having a good time?…  I can’t HEAR you! I SAID: ARE YOU HAVING A GOOD TIME?!’ is actually a ruse, intended to arouse more excitement and adulation from screaming fans.

Audience member Dwayne Tank said “I see a

November 6, 2014

Dismay after Brand not amongst ‘Guy Fawkes’ Protest arrests

by philapilus

“Viva la Changey-wangey! Up the Reds! Four legs good two legs bad! Bow down for I am your God! All that kinda stuff, orwight??”

Organisers of the so-called ‘Guy Fawkes’ protest in central London yesterday expressed their bitter disappointment that self-styled revolutionary Russell Brand was not amongst those arrested by the police.

Anonymous’s spokesperson said that although they were attempting to dismantle the capitalist state, and naturally loathed the totalitarian-supporting police force, Brand was amongst those they were “really fucking hoping would get thrown into a cell yesterday.”

Russell Brand was one of several celebrities taking part in the Million Masks March, where

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 306 other followers