Archive for ‘Entertainment’

December 15, 2014

Triumph for Major in X Factor Final

by philapilus

She got a body like an hourglass, but I can give it to you all the time…

Sir John Major said this morning he was”walking on air” after winning this year’s X factor.

The former Conservative Prime Minister said he had entered the competition initially “for a laugh” and had no expectations of getting anywhere with it.

But Major wowed audiences in the early stages with extraordinary renditions of classics like ‘Two Little Boys’ and ‘Tie me Kangaroo Down’ – both by disgraced

December 15, 2014

Sewell on Theatre: 2B’s Nativity Play

by philapilus

One was hardly put in mind of Piero Della Francesca

Review by Brian Sewell

Depressingly, this year’s offering to the dramatic muses Thalia and Melpomene once again took place in the School Hall – that most unimpressive and drab of venues. But one cannot blame the actors for that.

What one can – and does – blame the actors for, however, is the appalling quality of the performance. After last year’s debacle one hoped that the budding thespians would put some effort into their art.

But alas, the same ill-prepared cast recited lines in a manner that could only be evidence of severe mental retardation, under the

December 8, 2014

Tory MPs ordered to play Candy Crush

by philapilus

Hours of fun for Hurd and Whitelaw

It has emerged that MP Nigel Mills, who was caught playing Candy Crush Saga during a committee session, was simply obeying party instructions.

Conservative party chairman Grant Shapps confirmed he had told Mr Mills to play Candy Crush throughout the Work and Pensions hearing “to keep him from doing any real damage.”

Nigel Mills said “I have been told to spend all my Commons sessions either playing games on my phone, nodding off, or

November 28, 2014

Black Friday footage to replace boy-receiving-tablet as ‘most inspirational’ video

by philapilus

No red-blooded Brit could fail to be moved to tears by consumption-fuelled carnage

A viral video of an Argentinean boy crying with gratitude over a present, has been superseded by footage of shoppers fighting over TVs, as the UK’s most-shared inspirational clip.

The home video of the happily weeping boy has brought saccharine-flavoured tears to the eyes of hundreds of thousands of British people in recent weeks.

But this morning it dropped completely off the radar, after videos surfaced of shoppers in Tesco’s beating the shit out of each other over electrical goods that were being sold at a slightly-reduced price.

This was immediately

November 16, 2014

Pick-up artists — the facts

by articulatedsheep

The bizarre world of the “pick up artist”, or PUA, has currently come under the spotlight as a result of the noted PUA Julien Blanc being denied a visa to visit Australia, with similar steps being taken to prohibit his travel to the UK. But what are pick-up artists, and what are the tips and tricks they claim can be used to ensure that any man who used them will be knee-deep in ladyjuice by the end of a night out?

QAPLA'!

QAPLA’!

For a long time these tricks have been jealously guarded. PUAs make a substantial living from seminars in soulless airport hotels where desperate, lonely men pay eyewatering amounts of money for the privilege of listening to self-styled PUAs with open shirts and ridiculous hair honking about their sexual prowess. This valuable income stream would be eliminated were the whole gamut of their techniques to become public. Here, however, we are able to present a small selection of some of them.

November 7, 2014

Deceitful band frontman CAN hear you

by philapilus

He knows EXACTLY what you’re saying, the deceitful little jerk

It has emerged that the lead singer or frontman of every band on the planet can actually hear the audience, despite frequent protestations to the contrary.

Musicians admitted that the whole  ‘Are you having a good time?…  I can’t HEAR you! I SAID: ARE YOU HAVING A GOOD TIME?!’ is actually a ruse, intended to arouse more excitement and adulation from screaming fans.

Audience member Dwayne Tank said “I see a

November 6, 2014

Dismay after Brand not amongst ‘Guy Fawkes’ Protest arrests

by philapilus

“Viva la Changey-wangey! Up the Reds! Four legs good two legs bad! Bow down for I am your God! All that kinda stuff, orwight??”

Organisers of the so-called ‘Guy Fawkes’ protest in central London yesterday expressed their bitter disappointment that self-styled revolutionary Russell Brand was not amongst those arrested by the police.

Anonymous’s spokesperson said that although they were attempting to dismantle the capitalist state, and naturally loathed the totalitarian-supporting police force, Brand was amongst those they were “really fucking hoping would get thrown into a cell yesterday.”

Russell Brand was one of several celebrities taking part in the Million Masks March, where

November 6, 2014

AC/DC drummer not charged with child abuse

by philapilus

There was widespread shock this morning after an ageing male celebrity was arrested on suspicion of a crime not in any way related to the abuse of children.

Phil Rudd, drummer of the famous heavy rock outfit, AC/DC, has been charged with attempting to arrange a murder and drug offences, but appears to have no connection whatsoever to child sex crimes.

New Zealand police, who arrested Mr Rudd this morning, said “Astonishingly we have no grounds on which to

November 5, 2014

Creepy-crawly horde to colonize Melua’s ear canal

by philapilus

Spacious, close to the shops, and with excellent public transport links

After Katie Melua saved a spider lodging in her ear and released it into the garden, numerous bugs, arachnids and insects have announced their intention to take up residence in the singer’s inner ears.

Adam Ant, an ant from Bromley, said “Normally, when people get critters stuck in the old lugs they dig us out and squish us flat.

“But Katie’s a class act. Didn’t panic, didn’t disintegrate that spider with a blowtorch; she just gave it a comfortable

October 22, 2014

DJ Read pens UKIP song about ‘horrors of Ebola’

by philapilus

MP Douglas Carswell said “Well, I couldn’t see the problem with Mike’s Calypso. But apparently some of the Bongobongo chaps – of whom many are my best friends and so on – didn’t take a shine to it.

“Can you still say shine?

“Anyway, this is

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