Archive for ‘Entertainment’

March 25, 2014

QUIZ: Which famous character are you????

by philapilus

Perhaps you’re Apollo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Here’s a clue: you aren’t)

Not to be outdone by other websites, social networking sites, or building sites, TMB brings you our very own version of those brilliant quizzes that ask you meaningless questions and then tell you what famous character you are!

 

BUT in a special spin on the genre, our version is not limited to merely telling you if you’re Fred or Wilma, Mars or Venus, Cameron or Clegg; here you can discover who you are from a cast of ALL the famous fictional or factional femmes and fellers of ALL TIME!

March 25, 2014

Selfie donation errors masterminded by polar bears

by philapilus

Contrary to popular belief, many polar bears do wear make-up, especially copious amounts of eye shadow

It was discovered this morning that the donations intended for the ‘no make-up selfie’ campaign which went erroneously to the WWF, were pilfered as part of a clever ursine scam.

Attempts to divert a sizeable portion of the funds into the WWF’s ‘adopt a polar bear’ campaign, were thwarted when Cancer Research UK administrators noticed that the people who came to collect the money were “nine feet tall and considerably more hairy than you’d expect”.

The subsequent evisceration and devouring of said clerks, and a dropped wallet with pictures of fluffy white cubs in it, enabled even the police to work out that the culprits must be polar bears in disguise.

PC McGarry No. 452, of New Scotland Yard’s Arctic Creatures division, said “This is not the first time that animals have attempted to pilfer funds.

March 15, 2014

News Briefs: Seth Rogen fails to be controversial

by unpseudable

The most controversial thing about this man is quite how famous he is

Seth Rogen this week has revealed an uncontroversial list of people he uncontroversially smoked weed with.

Being quizzed about his uncontroversial habit on TV show, Watch What Happens Live, Rogen reeled off a list of people he may or may not have uncontroversially had a toke with.

Furthermore, he went on uncontroversially to confirm his opinion that Justin Bieber is a

March 7, 2014

Gambler sues casino after ‘drunken’ win

by philapilus

“Take the money back, you bastards, I was drunk! It’s not my fault!” is an oft-heard cry in Vegas’s backstreets, where casino enforcers break the knees of unwilling winners

A gambler who won $500,000 dollars during a drunken session at a Las Vegas casino, has refused to accept that his win was legitimate, and is suing the casino to take the money back.

Businessman Mark Knobman said today “I was clearly utterly intoxicated. They let me gamble all night long, even though I was drunker than an Irishman on his birthday.

“I mean, I obviously had no control whatsoever, and should not now be made responsible for my

March 3, 2014

Susanna Reid’s knickers move to ITV

by philapilus

“No one cares about Bill Turnbull’s, no matter how many pairs he has”

Ardent followers of the news have declared their intentions to switch from BBC to ITV, in protest against the corporation’s “continual dumbing down and anti-government bias”, in a switch which it is claimed has “Nothing to do with Susanna Reid’s knickers”.

Watchers insisted today that it was a complete coincidence that ITV has just successfully poached the popular BBC presenter for its new breakfast programme.

Last year a study found that Susanna Reid, who occasionally wears short dresses, and crosses her legs, is the favoured morning news presenter of most British men, for her “excellent, fluent and no-nonsense delivery of information in an objective manner.”

The study found “absolutely no correlation” between fans of Reid’s hard-nosed journalism, and the vast number of Google searches performed every day for flashes of

March 3, 2014

Major surprises at 86th Oscars

by philapilus

McQueen ‘Triumphant’ in 12 Years A Slave

Pundits say last night’s Academy Awards will go down as the most surprising in the history of the golden statuette, after upsets in all the main categories.

The Oscar for Best Picture went to 12 Years a Slave, Steve McQueen’s sequel to his 1963 film, the Great Escape.

McQueen both directed and starred, again playing Virgil Hilts, recaptured by the Nazis and forced into slavery, attaching those plasticky things to the end of shoelaces, which sort of stop them unravelling.

Best Director went to

February 28, 2014

Coma patients to be used as energy source

by philapilus

It’s tempting to make a laboured DWP pun, like ‘the Department of Witless Penny-pinchers’. But it’s much easier to just say: Duncan Smith; Wanker & Prick

After a government attempt to ask coma patients to find work backfired, the Department for Work and Pensions has unveiled a new plan for increasing the productivity of the selfishly indolent sick.

The DWP had tried sending letters to coma patients, “aggressively encouraging them to stop being lazy, get up and do some bloody work”, only to realise that people in comas don’t generally read.

Iain Duncan Smith, Secretary of State for Work and Pensions said “These layabouts didn’t even read the letters. Unbelievable! But we think we’ve

February 25, 2014

Arizona to become “1950s World” theme park

by philapilus
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/f/f8/George_Takei_Sulu_Star_Trek.JPG

“In the 1950s they’d NEVER have sunk so low as to let a Goddamn Jap pilot a spaceship”

The State of Arizona is set to become the world’s biggest tourist attraction, under ambitious plans that will see the clocks turned back to the mid-20th century.

All that is needed is for Governor Jan Brewer to sign a bill, SB 1062, into law which will allow business owners to refuse service to gay people, and the process of setting up the statewide theme park will be complete.

Randy Jerkoff, Director of the ’1950s World’ initiative, said “Everyone loves the 1950s. China was weak, cars were brilliant, women wore dresses, young people had proper-length hair, and there wasn’t so much as a whiff of a single hippie, let alone the godawful social revolutions to come.

“Well from now on, when you come to Arizona, you

February 25, 2014

Ghosts pay tribute to worthy adversary Spengler

by philapilus
Alt_Telefon

You can try, but he won’t be answering

Tributes from the ghost community have been flooding in, after the tragic early death of parapsychologist, Egon Spengler.

The ghosbuster passed away today after longstanding health problems.

Departed spirit, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, described Spengler as “A true gentleman, a valiant foe, and one of the smartest people who ever killed me. Killed me again, I mean.”

Evil godlike-being, Gozer, said “He

February 24, 2014

CNN drops Piers Morgan: “Basically he’s a total asshole”

by philapilus

Britain said today it doesn’t want him back, and asked America if it could kindly just drown him in the Atlantic

Piers Morgan has had his CNN talkshow cancelled, after the news network “finally realised what a smug-faced scumbag” he actually is.

Piers Morgan had previously made a statement saying “CNN and I are parting on the best of terms.

“They are, I’m sure,  delighted with the excellent work I have done on finally laying to rest Larry King’s once-popular show, and I am particularly proud of

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