Archive for ‘Entertainment’

January 14, 2016

Jakarta attacks spoiling focus on Rickman’s death and ’69 club’ speculation

by philapilus

“No one’s saying it’s not sad, but seriously, what the actual fuck is wrong with people?”

The deaths of some Indonesian people are taking up valuable news space which could better be used to lament the late David Bowie and Alan Rickman, say experts.

Hamish McEyebrau of the Slough School of Stuff said today “Analysis of trending news reveals too much attention is being given to some nobodies in Jakarta who you have never heard of.

“What we need to be focussing our attention on, as a civilised, moral country, is whether the deaths of Bowie and Rickman – both at the age of 69 – are proof that the so-called 27 club of dead celebrities is being replaced by a new 69 club of dead celebrities.

“It is

December 3, 2015

Bruce Forsyth in repair shop, will miss Christmas Strictly

by philapilus
File:Sir Bruce Forsyth opening The Sir Bruce Forsyth Auditorium at Millfield Theatre on October 6th 2009 2014-08-10 12-29.jpg

At home with friends

The animatronics inside the preserved corpse of TV presenter Sir Bruce Forsyth have malfunctioned and are undergoing extensive repairs, meaning ‘Brucie’ will not be presenting the Strictly Come Dancing Christmas special.

A BBC spokesperson said that “Having Sir Bruce on the show before the repairs are properly finished would be very unwise. A piston might punch right through his brittle, leathery skin and knock Claudia Winkleman’s teeth out.

“He will have to be dipped in formaldehyde and his circuit board will need to be wired from scratch. We’re sorry to say that Sir Bruce will therefore not

October 27, 2015

Assassin’s Creed Syndicate features man falling over a lot

by philapilus

Moments later he falls down an open manhole

The new Assassin’s Creed has been praised for its dedication to realism, after players discovered that most of the game involves tripping over things and falling into gutters, because of the debilitating hood.

This has been hailed as a bold departure from previous games, which have seen characters perform amazing feats of derring-do and skullduggery, despite having all the field of vision of a mole wrapped up in a sock and then smashed against a wall till it loses consciousness.

AC obsessive Tim Twanks said “I have always wondered how

June 30, 2015

“Glastonbury gone all corporate for booking Kanye” says man who paid £230 for ticket

by philapilus

Not Crosby, Stills or Nash

Festival goer Tim Twanks has accused Glastonbury of “failing to live up to its hippy credentials”, adding that when he paid £230 for a ticket he hadn’t for one minute expected that the festival was a remotely commercial enterprise.

Twanks returned to work this morning and told colleagues that an appearance by Kanye West had ruined his weekend and permanently undermined Gastonbury’s credibility as far as he was concerned.

“Free love, temporary tattoos, and £15.50 bottles of water is what I

June 24, 2015

Britain’s Got Talent screened to migrants at Calais as deterrent

by philapilus

Guaranteed to cut immigration down to the low levels Britain enjoyed when Beadle’s About was on the telly

The government has announced mass screenings of Britain’s Got Talent in Calais, as an ’emergency deterrent’ to the migrants trying to force their way on to vehicles bound for Britain.

As strikes brought traffic on the French side of the tunnel to a standstill, hundreds of migrants massed and tried to board stationary lorries and even force their way into family cars.

Immigration minister James Brokenshire said “These poor fools don’t realise that whilst Britain’s welfare system is relatively attractive, these isles are a cultural wasteland of despair. Exposure to Britain’s Got Talent is an excellent way of

June 12, 2015

Christopher Lee “will rise again”

by philapilus

RIP

Occult experts, film critics, journalists, and those unwashed creatures that make up the general public have all said that actor Christopher Lee will almost certainly come back from the dead within the next few days.

The veteran actor, who died yesterday at the age of 93, starred in numerous films, many of which involved his character being killed, only to rise again and cause havoc, just like Jesus.

Undead enthusiast Abraham Van Helsing said “We’ve not seen the last of Lee. He’s come back as an Egyptian mummy, a vampire, Frankenstein’s monster – you name it. There’s

June 9, 2015

FIFA offering London Mayoralty to most ‘convincing’ bidder

by philapilus

“I’ve got this terrible pain in my head, right here. I hope it’s not the early onset of dementia and regrettable associated amnesia!”

The disgraced FIFA organisation has offered to ‘help secure’ the position of Mayor of London “for whichever of the candidates does the best job of convincing our board of their case.”

Embattled president Sepp Blatter said “By ‘case’ we obviously don’t just mean a case full of cash! No; we’d like to help whoever shows us that they have the whole package. We want to see someone who can really push the brown envelope. Someone willing to put a bit of elbow grease into our han- into the job.”

The offer “to assist in an advisory capacity” in the 2016 mayoral elections, comes after FIFA announced its diversification “into other lucrative markets, you know, in case the football thing doesn’t

June 2, 2015

‘Robot cheetahs definitely not a bad idea’ say scientists

by philapilus

They live only to serve us. Probably.

Scientists presenting a robot cheetah at the DARPA Robotics Challenge this weekend have said there is no chance that the autonomous deathbots represent any kind of threat.

Head roboticist Professor Hamish McEyebrau said “These sleek, mechanised beings can move at great speed, avoid obstacles with ease, and tear through flesh and bone as easily as you or I might through blancmange. They’re almost certainly harmless though. Probably. I mean, why

June 1, 2015

Nick Clegg ‘over the moon’ Russia has heard of him

by philapilus

We didn’t have a picture of him in the photo library, and no one can remember what he looks like

Nick Clegg is said to be ‘incredibly excited’ and ‘over the moon’ after Russia announced he was banned from entering the country – thus proving that they actually knew who he was.

The former deputy prime minister has spent the weeks since the election sitting mournfully on a park bench in Victoria Tower Gardens, crying into his fists.

But sources close to Nick said his misery turned to jubilation when he

May 14, 2015

“DEATH TO DEPP’S DOGS!!” screams Australian Minister

by philapilus

Just look at those eyes – it can’t wait to sink its fangs into a kangaroo’s jugular

Barnaby Joyce, Australian agricultural minister, is on a mission to personally murder the dogs belonging to Johnny Depp, according to the British media.

Depp took his dogs on his private jet when he flew in to Australia last month, to film ‘Pirates of the Caribbean 37: Now it’s just getting stupid’. Crucially however, he neglected to declare he was bringing in the animals.

Joyce said “That bloody Depp’s got to pay! I’m going to string those dogs up by the bollocks, and slit ’em down the front with a blunt knife, then chuck the entrails on a barby and

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