Archive for ‘Entertainment’

July 7, 2014

Pink Floyd to release new unprecedented bank balance

by philapilus
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/6/6c/Battersea_Power_Station_pig_1.jpg/320px-Battersea_Power_Station_pig_1.jpg

The flying pig, stuffed with cash, counted as ‘offshore’ on the tax returns

Pink Floyd will break their 20-year album hiatus, with the release of new album, The Endless River later this year, which the band promises will be “our most thought-provokingly money-making album yet”.

Lead guitarist, David Gilmour, said today “Consisting entirely of new, never before released material, which we recorded two decades ago but deemed not good enough to release, this album will bring together all the original members of the band.

“Except the two that have died, and the arsehole who left after that massive hissy-fit.”

Drummer Nick Mason

July 1, 2014

UK must keep Trident for 1980s re-enactments, say experts

by philapilus

Like a big pretty flower

The Trident Commission has insisted that the UK needs to retain its nuclear capabilities, or face being unable to participate in historical re-enactments of nuclear-apocalypse paranoia.

In its report, the Commission stated “Imagine going to Warwick castle for a day out, and discovering that none of the pretend knights have swords. Or watching a joust where they have to throw blancmange at one another, because they aren’t allowed lances?

“That’s sort of what  it’ll be like if we get rid of Trident.”

The Commission insists that

June 11, 2014

Catastrophe in Mosul as OH LOOK, FOOTBALL!!!!!!!!!

by philapilus

Presumably Mosul didn’t make it past the qualifiers, because they’re not in any of the groups as far as we can see

Around half a million refugees have fled the city of Mosul after Islamist militants did something or other that will probably sort itself out and be absolutely fine, because IT’S THE FRICKIN’ WORLD CUP!

Middle East experts said today “The next few weeks are going to be amazing, with absolutely and completely non-stop football; football games, football analysis, football interviews, football adverts, and everyone brilliantly never shutting-the-fuck-up about the football.

“It’s going to be

May 21, 2014

‘Critics are best thing ever’ say critics

by philapilus
File:Pavarotti - Sutherland 1976.jpg

Like something from a Ken Loach film

Cultural commentators of all stripes have joined together in robustly defending the gallant assault some music critics made on a young opera singer’s looks.

The Daily Telegraph’s Rupert Christiansen was amongst those who were unfairly pilloried, after pointing out that Tara Erraught’s “dumpy stature” somehow didn’t sound right.

But he and many other critics have today published a riposte, in the form of an open letter, on the subject of ‘Why critics are beyond criticism’.

They explain that

May 12, 2014

Russell Brand combs hair, dons dress, wins Eurovision

by philapilus
THIS IS NOT NEWS

THIS IS NOT NEWS

Russell Brand said this morning that he was delighted with his victory at Eurovision 2014, and that his win was “A win for, like, all the peeps wot are well nice to each ovver, an’ don’t get in like an argy-bargy over nuffink!”

Brand described the huge difficulty of combing his hair for the contest, an operation which took twelve hairdressers over 36 hours to complete.

“But it was well worf it, eh?” Brand said, adding “And, Austria, like, I’m not bein’ argumental or anyfing, but they said me having a go at Andrew Sachs was the funniest thing wot ever happened. That’s

May 2, 2014

Clarkson: “Top Gear should be more like Pimp My Ride”

by philapilus

But he always seemed like such a fair-minded, thoughtful sort of chap

Jeremy Clarkson has defended his use of the N-word in un-aired Top Gear footage as “Part of my strategy to appeal to the more ‘streetwise’ youth demographic.”

Clarkson had initially denied using the word, but later admitted it and apologised, whilst insisting he had “done everything a human being could possibly do to avoid using it, short of ripping off my head and shitting down my own neck-hole.

“Seriously, it was physically and mentally impossible for me not to use the word, and I should not be judged for it now.”

But this morning, Clarkson again

April 30, 2014

Fans ‘delighted’ as Jessica Tandy and Thora Hird confirm Star Wars VII appearances

by philapilus

“The Mos Eisley Old Folks Home; you will never find a more wretched hive of arthritics and anachronistic witterers.”

Legions of Sci-Fi fans were delirious this morning, as it was confirmed that yet more extremely elderly thespians had accepted parts in the forthcoming Star Wars film.

Yesterday’s announcement that Harrison Ford, Mark Hamill and Carrie Fisher will reprise their roles as Han, Luke and Leia, had already wowed the franchise’s most

April 28, 2014

George Clooney’s marriage ‘to make everything OK’

by philapilus

“It’s OK Barry, everything will be fine from now on”

It was revealed this morning that the small remainder of the world’s problems that weren’t solved by the visit of Prince George to New Zealand and Australia, will be handily mopped up by the news that George Clooney is banging some lawyer.

All news of the crisis in Ukraine, the devastating tornadoes in America, and the escalating hostilities between North and South Korea, dried up completely, as George Clooney’s relationship healed the world like a great big sticking plaster, and a kiss on the hurty bit from your mum.

Clooney’s agent, Vic Smarm, said “After weeks of nearly everything being brilliant because a baby visited

April 28, 2014

‘Oh my god will you just STOP sending me sodding Candy Crush invites?’ says everyone

by philapilus

‘This could be the end of a beautiful friendship’

There was a huge Facebook backlash yesterday, as thousands of members finally lost it after being invited to play Candy Crush Saga for the 458th time.

Many users left the site altogether, others posted statuses such as “Ask again and I will kill you”, “If I didn’t accept when you first asked me two months ago, why the sh*tt*ng f*ck would I now?” and the succinct, if desperate, “I will hunt you down and run over your legs with a lawn-mower”.

Inventor of Candy Crush Saga, Dr Ken Unterman, said “I had an awful childhood. Now it’s your turn to suffer. And guess what? Here come seven new versions of the game! Screw you all.”

Wendy Nailinthehead, an

March 25, 2014

QUIZ: Which famous character are you????

by philapilus

Perhaps you’re Apollo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Here’s a clue: you aren’t)

Not to be outdone by other websites, social networking sites, or building sites, TMB brings you our very own version of those brilliant quizzes that ask you meaningless questions and then tell you what famous character you are!

 

BUT in a special spin on the genre, our version is not limited to merely telling you if you’re Fred or Wilma, Mars or Venus, Cameron or Clegg; here you can discover who you are from a cast of ALL the famous fictional or factional femmes and fellers of ALL TIME!

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