Archive for ‘Education’

October 10, 2014

Students urged to pee – but stop shitting – in shower

by philapilus

Upright bath, toilet, washing machine, and place to pass out, all rolled into one

A campaign at the University of East Anglia is encouraging students to pee in the shower to save water, but to draw the line at defecating down the plughole.

Student Samantha Furcup said “Our campaign began with the concept of saving water, and raising awareness of

October 3, 2014

A-level syllabus to include Daily Sport and Roy ‘Chubby’ Brown

by philapilus

Much more important than learning

The new English literature A-level will feature unconventional  set-texts, including Sophie Kinsella’s Confessions of a Shopaholic, the rantings of Roy ‘Chubby’ Brown, and a crumpled page of the Daily Sport that Michael Gove found in a hedge.

A Department for Education spokesman said that “The decision to update the syllabus to reflect contemporary culture is a timely one.

“There is so little in the works of Orwell, Conrad, or Austen that is relevant anymore. Today’s students need

August 14, 2014

Mingers to get their A-level results a day late again

by philapilus

“Ok, on 3 everyone jump up and cheer – those of you we didn’t speak to earlier, please make sure you’re facing in the opposite direction. Everyone ready?”

Unattractive people who took A-Levels this year will once again be denied their results today, leaving the media free to focus on just the pretty ones.

Newspaper editors signalled their approval, after the DfE announced exam boards had only graded the papers of pupils rated at least 8 out of 10 by a board of lecherous teachers.

Ofsted inspector Roger Kidd said “Do I think it’s wrong? Hell no! No one wants to see a fatty jumping up and down excitedly, the outer regions of her stomach wobbling like blancmange.

“Grading attractive students ahead of

May 27, 2014

Gove axes all ‘dangerously modern or foreign’ literature

by philapilus
File:Of Mice And Men Poster.jpg

Like giving your children actual poison

In a move critics are describing as “a bit unorthodox”, Education Secretary Michael Gove has announced the eradication of all works of ‘degenerate literary art’ from school libraries.

The public burning of English-language books published after 1900, and of any book whatsoever that was originally “written in foreign”, will take place in every school across the country later this week.

Mr Gove said “Last week’s statement that we were going to do away with so-called ‘classics’ like Of Mice and Men, and To Kill a Mockingbird was actually

March 27, 2014

Winnie the Pooh preventing your child from being a genius

by philapilus

Presumably if you know their names you are thicker than porridge

A team from Toronto University has announced that your children would be a bunch of veritable Einsteins by now, if it weren’t for the fact that you read them stories about Paddington Bear, and Peter Rabbit.

Dr Wendy Nailinthehead said “Our research proves that exposing children to the callous lies encoded in texts like ‘The House at Pooh Corner’, will completely destroy their chances of ever getting into a decent university.

“It is precisely because very small children persist in the dangerous delusion, for about a year or so, that animals can talk, that our society is not yet peopled with a master-race of genius-intellectuals.

“Basically

March 6, 2014

Ken blanks Barbie’s plain friend

by philapilus

What a total bastard

Shallow, plastic man Ken has completely blanked the new prototype ‘average girl’ doll, introduced to provide young children with a more realistic plaything.

The doll, built on actual human proportions, to give little girls  a less impossible role model and to raise their self-esteem, said ‘Hi there!’ to Ken, as she was coming out of Barbie’s house today.

But Ken just did a double-take, grunted something under his breath about ‘That’s where all the pies went, then” and marched into Barbie’s hall without even acknowledging the

February 2, 2014

Gove to be placed in trash compactor to refresh DfE

by philapilus
File:Michael Gove at Chantry High School.jpg

“Honestly, how do you little oiks expect to get anywhere in the modern business world if you don’t even know when the Battle of Thermopylae was?”

Michael Gove denied this morning that he was getting rid of Ofsted head, Baronness Morgan, for political reasons, and insisted he merely wanted to “refresh the department”.

His announcement was immediately followed by a unanimous petition from the entire Department for Education and the National Union of Teachers, asking the Prime Minister to refresh the country’s educational establishment by crushing the Education Secretary in an industrial-size compactor.

Civil service spokesperson, Percy Spoke, said “Apparently Baroness Morgan, who happens to be a Labour supporter, is not being replaced with a Tory for partisan

January 29, 2014

BBC and TMB ask: Can dogs tell time?

by philapilus

AWWWW, LOOK AT THE LITTLE DOGGIIE-WOGGIE-WOODLE!!!! BUT DOES DIDDUMS-WIDDUMS KNOW HIS FIVE-TO FROM HIS FIVE-PAST??! HIS BIG HAND FROM HIS LITTLE HAND????!!!!!!!!! FIND OUT RIGHT HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In what we hope will be the first of a series of collaborations with small but plucky sister organisation, the BBC, TMB seeks to answer the scintillatingly complex scientific question posed by a new documentary shown last night on BBC2, and now available on something called iPlayer!!!! Namely:

Q: Can dogs really

January 4, 2014

Department for Education are ‘lions led by donkeys’

by philapilus
Sources inside the Department for Education have revealed today that Michael Gove is modelling his entire political strategy on “the fuckwitted tactics of WWI British generals”.

The claim comes after Gove made a scathing attack yesterday on 25-year old sitcom Blackadder Goes Forth, for “trying to suggest that the (admittedly quite large) losses of British troops was  somehow the fault of their great leaders, rather than obvious cowardice on the part of the working class soldiery”.

Gove went on to say that

November 19, 2013

Thought for the Week, by God

by philapilus

Hi everyone, God here again. I hope you’re all enjoying my little column here at TMB!

(I know I said this last week, but please, please really do let the editor know if you are, because they’ve threatened to drop me if I don’t come up with something more interesting than crushing Hittites!)

Just wanted to say a word today about books. Apart from

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