Archive for ‘Education’

March 27, 2014

Winnie the Pooh preventing your child from being a genius

by philapilus

Presumably if you know their names you are thicker than porridge

A team from Toronto University has announced that your children would be a bunch of veritable Einsteins by now, if it weren’t for the fact that you read them stories about Paddington Bear, and Peter Rabbit.

Dr Wendy Nailinthehead said “Our research proves that exposing children to the callous lies encoded in texts like ‘The House at Pooh Corner’, will completely destroy their chances of ever getting into a decent university.

“It is precisely because very small children persist in the dangerous delusion, for about a year or so, that animals can talk, that our society is not yet peopled with a master-race of genius-intellectuals.

“Basically

March 6, 2014

Ken blanks Barbie’s plain friend

by philapilus

What a total bastard

Shallow, plastic man Ken has completely blanked the new prototype ‘average girl’ doll, introduced to provide young children with a more realistic plaything.

The doll, built on actual human proportions, to give little girls  a less impossible role model and to raise their self-esteem, said ‘Hi there!’ to Ken, as she was coming out of Barbie’s house today.

But Ken just did a double-take, grunted something under his breath about ‘That’s where all the pies went, then” and marched into Barbie’s hall without even acknowledging the

February 2, 2014

Gove to be placed in trash compactor to refresh DfE

by philapilus
File:Michael Gove at Chantry High School.jpg

“Honestly, how do you little oiks expect to get anywhere in the modern business world if you don’t even know when the Battle of Thermopylae was?”

Michael Gove denied this morning that he was getting rid of Ofsted head, Baronness Morgan, for political reasons, and insisted he merely wanted to “refresh the department”.

His announcement was immediately followed by a unanimous petition from the entire Department for Education and the National Union of Teachers, asking the Prime Minister to refresh the country’s educational establishment by crushing the Education Secretary in an industrial-size compactor.

Civil service spokesperson, Percy Spoke, said “Apparently Baroness Morgan, who happens to be a Labour supporter, is not being replaced with a Tory for partisan

January 29, 2014

BBC and TMB ask: Can dogs tell time?

by philapilus

AWWWW, LOOK AT THE LITTLE DOGGIIE-WOGGIE-WOODLE!!!! BUT DOES DIDDUMS-WIDDUMS KNOW HIS FIVE-TO FROM HIS FIVE-PAST??! HIS BIG HAND FROM HIS LITTLE HAND????!!!!!!!!! FIND OUT RIGHT HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In what we hope will be the first of a series of collaborations with small but plucky sister organisation, the BBC, TMB seeks to answer the scintillatingly complex scientific question posed by a new documentary shown last night on BBC2, and now available on something called iPlayer!!!! Namely:

Q: Can dogs really

January 4, 2014

Department for Education are ‘lions led by donkeys’

by philapilus
Sources inside the Department for Education have revealed today that Michael Gove is modelling his entire political strategy on “the fuckwitted tactics of WWI British generals”.

The claim comes after Gove made a scathing attack yesterday on 25-year old sitcom Blackadder Goes Forth, for “trying to suggest that the (admittedly quite large) losses of British troops was  somehow the fault of their great leaders, rather than obvious cowardice on the part of the working class soldiery”.

Gove went on to say that

November 19, 2013

Thought for the Week, by God

by philapilus

Hi everyone, God here again. I hope you’re all enjoying my little column here at TMB!

(I know I said this last week, but please, please really do let the editor know if you are, because they’ve threatened to drop me if I don’t come up with something more interesting than crushing Hittites!)

Just wanted to say a word today about books. Apart from

October 15, 2013

Triumph for Rainbow, as Trio wins Nobel economics prize

by philapilus
Zipper

In one memorable episode, Zippy’s master ripped his mouth off. And it still wasn’t as disturbing as the freakishly sincere singing trio. Still, their economic genius was undeniable

The Nobel prize for economics has been awarded to erstwhile children’s entertainment trio, Rod, Jane and Freddy. The committee cited their “outstanding contribution to the field of adding and subtracting low numbers, whilst helping retarded puppets deal with their pathetic assorted problems”.

Made famous through their association with kids’ TV show Rainbow, Rod, Jane and Freddy were part of the programme’s campaign to promote understanding of atypical sexual behaviour.

Whilst Zippy played a gimp-slave, George a womanising gigolo, and 

October 7, 2013

Children not learning enough about make-believe

by philapilus
Picture of Gen Con Indy 2008 in Indianapolis, ...

How can Jesus compete with breasts like Carol Danvers’?

 A damning Ofsted report suggests that over half of England’s schools are failing to teach children enough about fairytales and imaginary friends.

The report states that Religious Education is considered ‘Bullshit’ and ‘An utter waste of time’, by a worryingly high number of both pupils and teachers.

Unemployed RE teacher, Tim Twanks, said “When I was working I saw a disturbing and progressive decline in the numbers of children who believed in magical superfriends that listen to their

October 7, 2013

Cabinet reshuffle expected this week

by philapilus

English: More clowns at Clown School

The new line-up pose for a photo at No.10

Rumours of an anticipated cabinet reshuffle have heightened, after Chloe Smith and John Randall stepped down from their government posts on Sunday.

The two signed a joint letter of resignation, saying “Dave, you are a twat. We know you were going to axe us, so we’re off. Go fuck yourself with a splintery broom-handle.”

Although the Prime Minister has been relatively secretive about when the reshuffle will happen, a Westminster source says that the likely recipients of certain posts are “obvious really. It’s a no-brainer.” The expected changes include the following:

September 30, 2013

UK children can’t hold their drink

by philapilus
English: Eric Pickles, British politician and ...

Why don’t our children want to be more like this?

There was public outcry this morning at the revelation that hundreds of children across the UK - many aged 11 or under - were admitted to A&E units last year, after drinking too much.

A BBC Radio 5 live investigation revealed that 6,500 under-18 year olds were admitted to hospital in total, of whom nearly 300 were 11 and under.

Minister for Communities, Eric Pickles, said “This is an absolute disgrace. When I were a lad of six I drank eight pints a day without throwing up once, because I made sure that I simultaneously ate around 70 scotch eggs, pork pies and

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