Archive for ‘Economy’

September 8, 2014

Britain “Completely fine with austerity if it means we’re like Downton”

by philapilus

“I will work for free if you let me touch the building – even if its only the outside”

Frances O’Grady’s attempt to rouse the British masses against rising inequality has backfired, after the TUC leader warned Britain was becoming like Downton Abbey – at which point the whole country said “Well that’s all right then!”

Unemployed builder Tim Twanks said “I’ve been fucking mad about the social unfairness and the divide between rich and poor since I lost my job. But I hadn’t twigged it was all just like it is in Downton. Now I feel quite upbeat about the whole thing.

“My daily financial misery is

July 3, 2014

Shock revelation:”NHS spends lots of money on sick people”

by philapilus

“If we get all the patients out, these mattresses will be excellent for stuffing cash in” said one MP

The Health Select Committee has made the remarkable discovery that people with long-term illnesses who require hospital treatment over extended periods of time, “tend to cost the NHS more than those who pop into casualty with a sprained wrist.”

The cross-party group has been investigating the impact of shifting patients requiring long-term care from hospitals to community services which haven’t yet been set up.

The Committee said that “70% of the NHS budget is spent on the 30% of people who keep coming back to hospital, because they haven’t got better from the thing that they aren’t going to get better from because it isn’t

June 16, 2014

Bank of England ‘puzzled’ by how lazy you are

by philapilus

21st century ennui: even the animal kingdom can’t be arsed anymore

The Bank of England says it is puzzled about why British people spend so much of their time at work playing Freecell, making coffee, or self-abusing in the toilets.

Governor Mark Carney said “Productivity is still below pre-recession levels. Loads of you are in employment, but you appear to be doing – how can I put this? – sod all.

“Why does no one in this country believe in hard work?”

Key figures of the British Chamber of Commerce prepared a reply to Mr Carney, about how diminished demand and over-employment reduced apparent productivity levels, but then none of them could be bothered to write it down, so they

June 11, 2014

Tory MP accuses Oxfam ad of deliberate accuracy

by philapilus

Britain; where everything is just brilliant. No need to give generously at all.

Conservative MP Conor Burns has demanded that the Charities Commission investigate Oxfam, over an ad campaign which he claims “maliciously and wantonly tells the truth”.

The faux-movie poster depicts a raging storm at sea, emblazoned with a ‘starring cast’ of  zero hour contracts, benefit cuts, high prices, and other social ills directly resulting from Conservative policies.

But Mr Burns  has pointed out that the poster completely fails to suggest that everything in the UK is completely brilliant, and instead

May 12, 2014

Cameron vows action, as billionaires exceed places on rich list

by philapilus
Piss off with your pocket change

Piss off with your pocket change

The Prime Minister has this morning cancelled all his meetings, taken the phone off the hook, and set up an emergency committee to deal with the drastic shortage of spots on the Sunday Times rich list.

At a press conference yesterday afternoon, David Cameron said “It’s bad. It’s really bad. The worst has happened. We now have so many billionaires that inevitably some of them won‘t be mentioned on this year’s list.

“I know how much the nation needs this list. I know none of you can be truly happy unless you know

April 9, 2014

‘Social experiment’ ‘proves’ ‘no one’ ‘gives a fuck’

by unpseudable

Really, why bother?

A social experiment, or ‘advert’, commissioned by the Pilion Trust has concluded without ‘doubt’ that nobody really gives a fuck about anybody.

The ‘study’ was carried out by research, or ‘advertising’, company Publicis, which had a charity worker, or ‘actor’, carry a sign reading ‘FUCK THE POOR’. A video, posted on Youtube, shows people haranguing him for what they naively thought was ‘an offensive message’.

Then, in an ironic twist, the same man is shown carrying a sign saying ‘HELP THE POOR’, shaking a collection tin. This time nobody approaches him in the whole 15 seconds shown.

March 20, 2014

Counterfeiters hold design competition for back of new £1 forgeries

by philapilus

“I’m bored of making these, give me a new challenge”

Counterfeiters today announced that they are launching their own competition to decide what goes on the back of the new fake pound coin.

Whilst the Royal Mint will not have its new twelve-sided coin ready to enter circulation until 2017, the Association of Forgers and Counterfeiters said they already have almost 50m forged coins “Just waiting to go.”

“We really liked the idea of letting the public choose what goes on the tails side,” said master-forger, Geoffrey Howe.

“It gives

March 19, 2014

Proletariat to get drunk and play bingo after brilliant budget

by philapilus

Who says the Conservatives don’t understand modern Britain?

There was widespread praise today for George Osborne, after his egalitarian budget distributed tax breaks to the wealthy, and bestowed slightly cheaper beer and bingo on the unwashed masses.

Lumpenprole Wendy Nailinthehead said “Lor’ bless ‘im, the gennelman ‘as noticed us in our plight, and provided for us. ‘e’s a reg’lar saint. I can’t wait to go and spend me babby’s child allowance down the bingo ‘all.”

Big-fisted coal-miner and drinker, Alf Ardup, said “I don’t know much about economics. That’s for them as has school learning. But I am very thankful to them for the cheaper beer.

“Once a year I’ll be able to afford a whole extra pint, and on those nights the wife’ll get even more of a kicking when

March 17, 2014

Daily Cartoon: Stefan Belle on the budget

by philapilus

Once again we bring you the daily cartoon syndicated from sister paper the Grauniad! Today satirist Stefan Belle has, with outstanding, impartial insight, cut right to the heart of the budget debate! No wonder they call him “one of the least irrelevant 18th century

February 24, 2014

Stunned Scotland discovers North Sea oil “not for cooking with”

by philapilus

Very much NOT what is coming out of the seabed

The Scottish Independence lobby has today been utterly derailed, after the population discovered that North Sea oil can’t be used in a deep fat fryer.

Alistair Darling, chair of the Better Together campaign, said “Alex Salmond was making an uncharacteristically long, pompous and truculent speech, and he said something about ‘oil to meet our energy needs’.

“At which point a reporter interrupted, saying “Hang on; are we talking about crude oil here then? Not vegetable oil?

“Salmond replied that

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