Archive for ‘Economy’

April 9, 2014

‘Social experiment’ ‘proves’ ‘no one’ ‘gives a fuck’

by unpseudable

Really, why bother?

A social experiment, or ‘advert’, commissioned by the Pilion Trust has concluded without ‘doubt’ that nobody really gives a fuck about anybody.

The ‘study’ was carried out by research, or ‘advertising’, company Publicis, which had a charity worker, or ‘actor’, carry a sign reading ‘FUCK THE POOR’. A video, posted on Youtube, shows people haranguing him for what they naively thought was ‘an offensive message’.

Then, in an ironic twist, the same man is shown carrying a sign saying ‘HELP THE POOR’, shaking a collection tin. This time nobody approaches him in the whole 15 seconds shown.

March 20, 2014

Counterfeiters hold design competition for back of new £1 forgeries

by philapilus

“I’m bored of making these, give me a new challenge”

Counterfeiters today announced that they are launching their own competition to decide what goes on the back of the new fake pound coin.

Whilst the Royal Mint will not have its new twelve-sided coin ready to enter circulation until 2017, the Association of Forgers and Counterfeiters said they already have almost 50m forged coins “Just waiting to go.”

“We really liked the idea of letting the public choose what goes on the tails side,” said master-forger, Geoffrey Howe.

“It gives

March 19, 2014

Proletariat to get drunk and play bingo after brilliant budget

by philapilus

Who says the Conservatives don’t understand modern Britain?

There was widespread praise today for George Osborne, after his egalitarian budget distributed tax breaks to the wealthy, and bestowed slightly cheaper beer and bingo on the unwashed masses.

Lumpenprole Wendy Nailinthehead said “Lor’ bless ‘im, the gennelman ‘as noticed us in our plight, and provided for us. ‘e’s a reg’lar saint. I can’t wait to go and spend me babby’s child allowance down the bingo ‘all.”

Big-fisted coal-miner and drinker, Alf Ardup, said “I don’t know much about economics. That’s for them as has school learning. But I am very thankful to them for the cheaper beer.

“Once a year I’ll be able to afford a whole extra pint, and on those nights the wife’ll get even more of a kicking when

March 17, 2014

Daily Cartoon: Stefan Belle on the budget

by philapilus

Once again we bring you the daily cartoon syndicated from sister paper the Grauniad! Today satirist Stefan Belle has, with outstanding, impartial insight, cut right to the heart of the budget debate! No wonder they call him “one of the least irrelevant 18th century

February 24, 2014

Stunned Scotland discovers North Sea oil “not for cooking with”

by philapilus

Very much NOT what is coming out of the seabed

The Scottish Independence lobby has today been utterly derailed, after the population discovered that North Sea oil can’t be used in a deep fat fryer.

Alistair Darling, chair of the Better Together campaign, said “Alex Salmond was making an uncharacteristically long, pompous and truculent speech, and he said something about ‘oil to meet our energy needs’.

“At which point a reporter interrupted, saying “Hang on; are we talking about crude oil here then? Not vegetable oil?

“Salmond replied that

February 12, 2014

UK Treasury ministers to rip off unsuspecting Americans

by unpseudable

With news emerging this week of a phone scam that used a photo of the unwitting Chief Secretary to the Treasury, Danny Alexander, new and potentially lucrative Treasury schemes have been unveiled.

Who wouldn’t trust this guy?

Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne, put out a statement to explain: “We received reports that a woman from Kentucky got a call from Jamaica, informing her that she’d won $2.5 million and a Mercedes Benz, and all she needed to do was send money to pay off the tax on the prizes.  This she duly did – simply because the caller used a photo of Danny Alexander as ID, to prove his legitimacy.  And she thought he looked trustworthy – why is anyone’s guess.  So we figured: shit, why don’t we just do that?  We could make millions!

“And if we get caught

February 7, 2014

RMT celebrates decisive victory

by philapilus
Bob Crow said he was delighted this morning, after two days of extensive striking by London Underground staff achieved “more than we ever dreamed possible.”
As news broke that literally all the demands of staff had been met, and that furthermore every employee would be given a Ferrari, and that they definitely weren’t going to be fired anymore, union members celebrated the genius and leadership of Crow.
Speaking from a five-star hotel on the moon, where he was munching five-star moon-lobster, the rotund unionist and darling of Britain’s lovably insane right wing press said “Obviously I
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February 5, 2014

Big Benefits Row voted best television programme of 2014

by philapilus

‘Phwooaarr!’ as John Major used to say. Not just a hottie, but she knows what she’s talking about, too.

Channel 5′s Big Benefits Row, and its presenter, Matthew Wright, have been given special one-off  awards by BAFTA, in recognition of the enormous and profound impact on the issue of welfare reform that the programme achieved.

A statement from BAFTA said that “Matthew Wright presided over a calm, measured, and insightful debate, which he masterfully arbitrated.

“The titular ‘row’ was more of an exercise in Socratic method, with Wright helping an audience of extremely well-qualified celebrities to reach such important and unarguably correct conclusions, that Iain Duncan Smith himself has

February 3, 2014

‘There’s definitely no property bubble in London’ say London estate agents

by philapilus

‘This lovely bijou residence combines rustic charm with proximity to a busy freight railway line, for soothing night-time ambience. A steal at £799,999.’

A consortium of London’s estate agents has rejected a report by Ernst and Young, which claimed high property prices in the capital are forming a bubble.

Rick Smarm, Property-Asset Enrichment Broker at Foxton’s, said “The London property market is literally as safe as houses.

“There is not even a slight chance that anyone should hesitate over spending £1.2m on a garage-conversion bedsit in Elephant and Castle, because you know what? Next year that cosy little space will be worth twice as much. At least.”

Dreamhouse Enabiliser, Randy Tuberculosis, added

January 29, 2014

Rubbish bins to get round-the-clock police protection

by unpseudable

Highly sought-after refuse with a ‘street value’ of almost nothing

The Crown Prosecution Service this week took steps to ensure the ongoing mass wastage of food, by prosecuting three people who took a bit of rubbish from a bin.

Three men were arrested suspected of having taken some veg and cheese destined for landfill, after an audacious police operation to apprehend them.

Recounting the events of the evening, PC Bill Copper said, “We arrived on the scene just behind Iceland (the shop, not the country) at 11.57pm.  On seeing the perpetrators I said, ‘hold it right there’, and basically they did.  At that point, the adrenaline took over and I just did what I had to do: wandered over to them, said ‘you’re under arrest’ and, well, put the handcuffs on.”

The arrests were welcomed

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