Archive for ‘Economy’

November 26, 2015

Osborne fails to complete wall on live TV

by philapilus

Presumably the chancellor’s catchphrase about finishing the job doesn’t apply in any concrete way

George Osborne has been criticised after doing a very half-assed bit of bricklaying which was caught by BBC cameras.

Journalists had tracked down the chancellor on a building site, where he spoke about the Spending Review and the economy, whilst working on a wall.

But to the nation’s surprise, after making his statement the chancellor downed his trowel, took off his helmet and hi-vis jacket, and

August 19, 2015

DWP only paying out for fictional claimants

by philapilus

Jesus wept, what a useless bag of smeg

After being caught out using made-up claimants for a benefits sanctions information leaflet, the Department for Work and Pensions has this morning admitted that the vast majority of the  benefits bill is actually being sunk in to non-existent claimants invented by the marketing department.

The DWP secretary Iain Duncan Smith said “I do have to admit this does sort of seem to go against the narrative of ‘benefits cheats bankrupting the country’ that I have spent the last five years banging on about.

“I’m not going to make any

July 8, 2015

‘Grexit’ renamed ‘Greverlasting wrangle’

by philapilus

He might be a bit stubborn, but to be fair he was elected as the leader of Greece; you know, to lead Greece…

As talks over the Greek financial crisis enter their 17th year, the feared departure of Greece from the Euro has been renamed, to reflect the fact that most people now expect the debate to go on interminably.

The chief cause of the neverending dispute appears to lie in the worsening relationship between Greece and her German-led creditors.

Hans Onmycok, Advisor on Financial Wrangles to Angela Merkel, said “Greece needs to know that it is absolutely not OK to have a government that acts according to the democratic will of its people alone. It should be obvious to

June 19, 2015

Government ends austerity due to protest march

by philapilus
george-osborne-trade-mission | by Chingster23

“Just to show how sorry I am, there’ll be one of these stuffed full of cash for everyone”

George Osborne will today officially announce the end of the Conservative austerity programme, after the government learned of an impending demonstration organised by The Peoples Assembly Against Austerity.

Mr Osborne said “We knew that austerity wasn’t popular, but I don’t think any of us realised how unpopular it truly was. I mean, these people are going to actually do a protest march tomorrow. They’re not going to sit around reading the papers and having a late brunch, they’re going to march with their actual feet; that’s how strongly they feel about it.

“I’m just really sorry that

May 18, 2015

Cameron states “NHS pledges are achievable with sofa-cash”

by philapilus

“There’s probably four grand in that one”

David Cameron has insisted today that the Conservatives will meet their pre-election pledges on NHS funding because “there’s bound to be shitloads of cash down the back of hospital sofas.”

The prime minister said “Look, you know how it is, you sit down and maybe 20p rolls out of your pocket, gets stuck between the cushions, and you don’t find it till months later when you strip the cushions off to make a fort.

“Well imagine that for every sofa in every hospital, but then

May 11, 2015

Conservatives introducing ‘complete bastard’ agenda

by philapilus

New policies

David Cameron has announced that his new Conservative majority government will bring in a series of measures “designed to showcase the hideous bastard that lies within our collective soul”.

The prime minister said this morning “I had a great chat with the Queen on Friday, despite the fact we were both massively hungover from all the celebrating.

“I informed Her Majesty that I was going to be scrapping the Human Rights Act, bringing back fox hunting, ratcheting up austerity, clamping down on

May 6, 2015

Cameron unveils final election slogan: “Miliband’s a cunt who can’t eat bacon properly”

by philapilus

As the Sun so brilliantly puts it; a cause celebre for our times

As party leaders tear around the country hunting last-minute votes, David Cameron has revealed a final campaign slogan; Miliband is a cunt who can’t even eat a bacon sandwich properly. Vote for me.’

With polls opening in less than 24 hours, Mr Cameron said it was time for voters to focus on the coalition’s record “In particular our most major success; not being photographed making a mess of eating a bacon sandwich.”

The Prime Minister said “I have told Red ‘gay’ Ed, time and again, that if he’d attended Eton he would know sandwich etiquette. He did not, and he does not. Tomorrow is about

April 30, 2015

Wanker of the Week: Danny Alexander

by philapilus

Nominated by:

Albert Einstein

Nominated for:

“Vote for us if you don’t want the Tories to get in again, but you don’t mind us helping them get in again!”

Danny has today attempted to launch an offensive against his coalition partners, with all the acumen of a five year old telling tales in school. Basically he’s waving around a piece of paper from 3 years ago,which he says he’s only just found, and which proves definitively that the Conservatives are massive bastards who are

April 24, 2015

Thousands take to streets, begging HSBC not to leave UK

by philapilus

“Maybe tomorrow we’ll wanna settle down; until tomorrow we’ll just keep movin’ on”

The country has been flooded with grief today, after the announcement by beloved bank HSBC that it was looking into relocating away from the UK.

The mass outpouring of sadness resulted in demonstrations across the capital, with members of the public donning sackcloth and ashes, and flagellating themselves, as they wept and pleaded with the bank to stay.

Mourner Tim Twanks sobbed “I’ve been

April 15, 2015

Cameron pledges Good Life DVDs for everyone

by philapilus

A Conservative favourite, the Good Life featured a rich couple, and the peasants next door who lived off roots from the garden.

David Cameron has promised that a Conservative government will ensure everyone in the UK receives a cheap knock-off copy of three Good Life episodes, in one of those cardboard sleeves like you get free in the Daily Mail.

The Prime Minister said “In these times of austerity we will of course stick to the long term economic plan, of encouraging you all to bend over and assume the position. But I want the Good Life for each and every one of you. On DVD, which is cheaper and more realistic than actually providing a genuinely reasonable existence.

“We’re not giving you all of them, obviously; that would be extravagant. But you can have, oh I don’t know, maybe three episodes? Maybe the first one, and the one where they’re fighting over the windbreaker. Oh, and the Christmas one, where they all get drunk, and Tom and Jerry try and seduce each others’ wives.

“Just like when


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