Archive for ‘Economy’

May 18, 2015

Cameron states “NHS pledges are achievable with sofa-cash”

by philapilus

“There’s probably four grand in that one”

David Cameron has insisted today that the Conservatives will meet their pre-election pledges on NHS funding because “there’s bound to be shitloads of cash down the back of hospital sofas.”

The prime minister said “Look, you know how it is, you sit down and maybe 20p rolls out of your pocket, gets stuck between the cushions, and you don’t find it till months later when you strip the cushions off to make a fort.

“Well imagine that for every sofa in every hospital, but then

May 11, 2015

Conservatives introducing ‘complete bastard’ agenda

by philapilus

New policies

David Cameron has announced that his new Conservative majority government will bring in a series of measures “designed to showcase the hideous bastard that lies within our collective soul”.

The prime minister said this morning “I had a great chat with the Queen on Friday, despite the fact we were both massively hungover from all the celebrating.

“I informed Her Majesty that I was going to be scrapping the Human Rights Act, bringing back fox hunting, ratcheting up austerity, clamping down on

May 6, 2015

Cameron unveils final election slogan: “Miliband’s a cunt who can’t eat bacon properly”

by philapilus

As the Sun so brilliantly puts it; a cause celebre for our times

As party leaders tear around the country hunting last-minute votes, David Cameron has revealed a final campaign slogan; Miliband is a cunt who can’t even eat a bacon sandwich properly. Vote for me.’

With polls opening in less than 24 hours, Mr Cameron said it was time for voters to focus on the coalition’s record “In particular our most major success; not being photographed making a mess of eating a bacon sandwich.”

The Prime Minister said “I have told Red ‘gay’ Ed, time and again, that if he’d attended Eton he would know sandwich etiquette. He did not, and he does not. Tomorrow is about

April 30, 2015

Wanker of the Week: Danny Alexander

by philapilus

Nominated by:

Albert Einstein

Nominated for:

“Vote for us if you don’t want the Tories to get in again, but you don’t mind us helping them get in again!”

Danny has today attempted to launch an offensive against his coalition partners, with all the acumen of a five year old telling tales in school. Basically he’s waving around a piece of paper from 3 years ago,which he says he’s only just found, and which proves definitively that the Conservatives are massive bastards who are

April 24, 2015

Thousands take to streets, begging HSBC not to leave UK

by philapilus

“Maybe tomorrow we’ll wanna settle down; until tomorrow we’ll just keep movin’ on”

The country has been flooded with grief today, after the announcement by beloved bank HSBC that it was looking into relocating away from the UK.

The mass outpouring of sadness resulted in demonstrations across the capital, with members of the public donning sackcloth and ashes, and flagellating themselves, as they wept and pleaded with the bank to stay.

Mourner Tim Twanks sobbed “I’ve been

April 15, 2015

Cameron pledges Good Life DVDs for everyone

by philapilus

A Conservative favourite, the Good Life featured a rich couple, and the peasants next door who lived off roots from the garden.

David Cameron has promised that a Conservative government will ensure everyone in the UK receives a cheap knock-off copy of three Good Life episodes, in one of those cardboard sleeves like you get free in the Daily Mail.

The Prime Minister said “In these times of austerity we will of course stick to the long term economic plan, of encouraging you all to bend over and assume the position. But I want the Good Life for each and every one of you. On DVD, which is cheaper and more realistic than actually providing a genuinely reasonable existence.

“We’re not giving you all of them, obviously; that would be extravagant. But you can have, oh I don’t know, maybe three episodes? Maybe the first one, and the one where they’re fighting over the windbreaker. Oh, and the Christmas one, where they all get drunk, and Tom and Jerry try and seduce each others’ wives.

“Just like when

April 9, 2015

Gatwick oil fields claimed by Scotland

by philapilus

It’s about time someone prettied up the English landscape

The SNP announced today that Scotland is officially laying claim to a newly discovered oil field near Gatwick, which is estimated to contain a potential 100bn barrels of oil.

SNP leader Nicola Sturgeon said “Whilst we are going to keep holding the referendum on independence every two weeks until we get the result we want, we are still very open to changing the terms of the divorce settlement.

“For instance, at first we

February 10, 2015

Cameron pledges UK-wide pay rise will exclude entire public sector

by philapilus

“No.”

David Cameron is today calling on the British Chamber of Commerce to give staff a pay rise, whilst promising public sector workers will continue to live in penury “because it makes me chuckle.”

The Prime Minister is using the BCC annual conference as a platform to unveil a new policy-drive, which aims to ensure that prosperity will not be passed on to state employees, in case they start to get ideas.

Mr Cameron said “Britain is working hard, and deserves to be rewarded. But that’s just a suggestion – do whatever

February 3, 2015

Boots’ boss: “Miliband doesn’t understand the importance of my not paying taxes”

by philapilus

“If only Miliband could understand economics” said Lord Rose, who competently oversaw a 30% drop in shares at M&S, before becoming a lord.

The CEO of Boots, Stefano Pessina, has launched a telling attack on the Labour party, claiming that they “simply do not understand why it is vital to the UK economy that I live in Monaco, rather than the UK where I would have to pay lots of tax.”

Pessina joined other business leaders in lambasting Labour’s “lack of awareness of how capitalism works” citing the party’s “indulgent and unrealistic desire to see shitmunchers being able to afford both commuting costs and heating bills”.

The former boss of

January 29, 2015

Tesco apologises for ‘kill the poor’ strategy

by philapilus

“Now with no added strychnine”

Tesco has apologised to customers, after it was discovered that the supermarket giant was attempting to whittle down the working class by lacing its own-brand range with poison.

The facts surfaced after the company’s own-brand blackcurrant and apple squash was reported by consumers to have “a smell like the overflowing latrines of hell itself.”

Spokesperson Percy Spoke said “We would like to formally apologise that the poison in our range for the poor was discovered. We were

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