Archive for ‘Economy’

February 10, 2015

Cameron pledges UK-wide pay rise will exclude entire public sector

by philapilus

“No.”

David Cameron is today calling on the British Chamber of Commerce to give staff a pay rise, whilst promising public sector workers will continue to live in penury “because it makes me chuckle.”

The Prime Minister is using the BCC annual conference as a platform to unveil a new policy-drive, which aims to ensure that prosperity will not be passed on to state employees, in case they start to get ideas.

Mr Cameron said “Britain is working hard, and deserves to be rewarded. But that’s just a suggestion – do whatever

February 3, 2015

Boots’ boss: “Miliband doesn’t understand the importance of my not paying taxes”

by philapilus

“If only Miliband could understand economics” said Lord Rose, who competently oversaw a 30% drop in shares at M&S, before becoming a lord.

The CEO of Boots, Stefano Pessina, has launched a telling attack on the Labour party, claiming that they “simply do not understand why it is vital to the UK economy that I live in Monaco, rather than the UK where I would have to pay lots of tax.”

Pessina joined other business leaders in lambasting Labour’s “lack of awareness of how capitalism works” citing the party’s “indulgent and unrealistic desire to see shitmunchers being able to afford both commuting costs and heating bills”.

The former boss of

January 29, 2015

Tesco apologises for ‘kill the poor’ strategy

by philapilus

“Now with no added strychnine”

Tesco has apologised to customers, after it was discovered that the supermarket giant was attempting to whittle down the working class by lacing its own-brand range with poison.

The facts surfaced after the company’s own-brand blackcurrant and apple squash was reported by consumers to have “a smell like the overflowing latrines of hell itself.”

Spokesperson Percy Spoke said “We would like to formally apologise that the poison in our range for the poor was discovered. We were

January 26, 2015

Greece presents Brussels and Berlin with large wooden horse

by philapilus

Now considered luxurious living space, compared with the ruin the rest of the country is in

Greece’s creditors were said to be “surprised but delighted” this morning, after the new anti-austerity coalition led by Alexis Tsipras sent them a really beautiful, big wooden horse.

Hans Onmycok, a spokesperson for the European Central Bank, said “Ja, ve are being very worried about zer new coalition, but zen zey sent zis pretty big horse! It has a note saying ‘Don’t Open Yet!’, und we are vaiting for zem to tell us when ve can be opening it. I am sure it has lots of lovely bailout repayments, inside, naturlich.”

The far-left Syriza party has joined forces with the

January 19, 2015

Party leaders outline policies based on personal lives

by philapilus

“I’ve won! I’ve won!”

In an unusually transparent move the three main political parties are announcing new policy pushes today, all of which are tailored specifically to the individual needs of their parties.

David Cameron has insisted on the importance of full-employment, in a bid to retain the Government jobs currently occupied by his MPs. The prime minister said “Our top priority is rewarding the hardworking, entrepreneurial men and women of this party, and allowing them to create wealth through the judicious use of Parliamentary expenses on necessities like duck houses and well-covers.

“I want to see a Britain where no tory MP is reliant on the

January 16, 2015

Pope continues magnificent ‘wave but don’t make waves’ campaign

by philapilus

Pope Francis has continued to highlight the plight of the poor and needy by visiting the Philippines and saying what a bad thing inequality is, whilst sitting in the relative isolation of a bullet-proof car.

The Pope insisted that the best way to defeat poverty is to be pictured smiling and waving at people in threadbare clothes, whilst offering non-specific platitudes about the wealthy that stop short of actually ticking them off per se.

Taking a break from punching his aide, Alberto Gasparri, the

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January 13, 2015

MPs to run everything past children

by philapilus

MPs were surprised and dismayed to learn that ‘It’s quite long, and so will cost lots of money’

The government has announced its intention to run all policies past small children, after discovering that they are intellectually better equipped to spot the huge flaws that evade MPs.

The move comes after a 9-year old boy appeared before the HS2 committee and, according to one MP, “deftly explained in words of one syllable quite how fucking stupid the whole thing is.”

Tory MP Mike Ock said “We were all expecting this precocious little know-it-all to fall apart within seconds before our mighty scrutiny, and then we’d spend the rest of the day patronising the fuck out of him.

“But actually, he turned up, basically said ‘This is a pants plan’ and then went on to show us exactly why. It was

January 1, 2015

2014 in Headlines

by philapilus
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/2/2a/Nigel_Farage_Autumn_2008.JPG

Farage beat Kelly Brook to become Mail Online’s ‘Most Beloved Person’

Here at TMB we have Googled tirelessly, for more than three minutes, to remind you of the major news headlines from 2014. This is in no way because our entire reporting staff called in sick with epic hangovers, preventing us from giving you any actual news.

 

Blair rejects Nobel Peace Prize “The money’s shit; I’m insulted”

Eastwood finally guns down Eli Wallach

British public loses battle of wits with puddle

Harrods boss: “Everything I

December 3, 2014

Osborne uses c-word 57 times in Autumn statement

by philapilus

 

Osborne finally broke the long-standing record of Margaret Bondfield, the first female cabinet minister in British history, who in 1930 called Stanley Baldwin a cunt 43 times in one sitting.

George Osborne made his mark on British political history today, after using the word ‘cunt’ 57 times in one sitting – more than any other government minister in history.

The Chancellor of the Exchequer made use of his last Autumn statement before the General Election to single out members of the opposition who  he deemed “particularly worthy of being called cunts”.

Osborne began his speech by saying “Mr Speaker, there are some utter cunts sitting over there.

“The right honourable leader of the opposition is a cunt. The right honourable

November 18, 2014

Miliband nearly defeats small child in debate

by philapilus

In what has become a very unhealthy pattern, Ed once again tried to overcome his misery by comfort-eating until he threw up

After what Ed Miliband’s supporters called his “completely unfair ambush” at the hands of political heavyweight, Myleene Klass, the leader of the opposition rallied this morning, and performed incredibly well in an argument with a 10 year old.

Miliband was seen leaving the ITV studios in tears yesterday, where Klass had destroyed him on The Agenda programme with questions like “Are you sure you’ve thought this Mansion Tax through?” and “Don’t you have any other plans?”

But this morning Miliband was not so easily cowed by pupil Samantha Furcup, age 10, who said to

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