Archive for ‘Defence’

July 15, 2014

MoD ‘unsure’ whether stealth fighter is at Farnborough or not

by philapilus

Fuck knows where it is

After reports that Britain’s new £70m stealth fighter, the F-35, would not make it to the opening of the Farnborough International Airshow, the MoD has been forced to admit that it has no idea where the plane actually is.

Air Vice-Marshal Sir Leslie Fanshawe-Haines-Haines said “Well, we did put about this rot about having to delay its debut because of some engine fire in a test model, but to be quite frank with you, we haven’t an earthly clue where the bally thing is.

“Damn plane is stealth, isn’t it? Bloody problem right there, if you think about it, what? Once the old stealth mode’s on, can’t find the blighter.

“I mean, we’re saying it won’t be

April 25, 2014

“Holy f***, did you see those planes?!” asks Better Together campaign

by philapilus

The Russians are extremely keen for Britain to avoid the devolution of any further powers to the regions, let alone grant one full independence…

“Shitting Christ, the Russians are coming!!!!” screamed the opponents of Scottish independence yesterday, after two Russian bombers made a completely ordinary flight near British airspace.

Chief of the Air Staff, Sir Lesley Fanshawe Haines-Haines, said “I can confirm that we sent RAF fighters up, and wagged our fingers very sternly at the Sovie- sorry, the Russian planes.

“Basically, if it wasn’t for the RAF, they were going to bomb Scotland back into the Stone Age.

“Seriously people; a

March 25, 2014

Daily Cartoon: Martin Rowyerboatson

by philapilus

Today’s cartoon of the day, syndicated from the Gauridan, showcases the brilliant talent of Martin Rowyerboatson. Martin, like his comrade Steve Belle, knows how to use the fine scalpel of subtle satire to operate on the bloated, diseased body of that evil old world!! 

 

This cartoon doesn’t have Cameron in, but if it did, he would be shiny and pink, and look really stupid! Grrrrr to the Tories!!!!

March 24, 2014

British military shouldn’t model itself on ‘Dad’s Army’, says expert

by philapilus
Dads Army

Britain’s army waits for its high-spec military transport, the 15:35 branchline service from Cookham to Maidenhead

A former head of the army said today that “The bit in the Dad’s Army title sequence, when the British flag retreats over the English channel and sits quivering on the coast of East Sussex, is not a suitable model for our armed forces.”

Sir Leslie Fanshawe-Haines-Haines added that the British Army’s continued reduction in numbers and increasing reliance on octogenarian part-timers, “make it extremely hard to respond to Putin’s annexation of the Crimea with anything more forceful than a remonstrative letter.

“Furthermore, pulling back from our bases in Germany – like the UK triangles fleeing from the Swastika triangles at the start of that excellent comedy show – is going to make us look like a right bunch of twats.”

But Defence Secretary Philip Hammond took a

March 3, 2014

US threatens Russia with stern phonecalls

by philapilus
File:Barack Obama on phone with Benjamin Netanyahu 2009-06-08.jpg

“Can I speak to Vladimir please?… Well, can you tell him it’s really rather urgent?… Well can I leave a message then?”

President Obama has said that Russia’s military presence in the Crimea constitutes a violation of Ukrainian sovereignty and could lead to “Some really very serious phonecalls.”

Having already rung Vladimir Putin over the weekend, to explain just how ticked off the Western world is with him, Obama has threatened the Russian president with at least one more phonecall, possibly two, by the end of Monday.

“This Russian aggression is utterly unlawful, and we condemn it,” said Obama, “US telephones are already being strategically placed on every desk within the White House, so that no matter which room I am in, I can call Putin any time I want, and make

February 10, 2014

Taliban captures budgie

by philapilus

‘Terrified’

After releasing a video last week showing what they claimed was an imprisoned British military dog, the Taliban says it has now captured an RAF budgerigar.

Taliban footage shows the bird, allegedly kidnapped during a night raid,  imprisoned in a makeshift container – an upturned colander glued to a plastic Disney Princesses party plate – and appearing to be in considerable distress.

A masked Taliban fighter then speaks, saying “Victorious Mujahideen once again triumph over you! We have warrior-budgie, and we keep where you never find it, and not necessarily in cave this time!

“We will execute your infidel bird , then wrap  corpse in  American flag, douse with petrol and

January 28, 2014

“Angry Birds is No. 1 terrorist training tool” says NSA

by philapilus

‘Just like 9/11 all over again…’

US and British spy agencies have justified their data collection from computer game ‘Angry Birds’ on the grounds that the game is a covert method of recruiting and training terrorists.

Mr NotHisRealName, from the National Security Agency, said “Of course we’re spying on everyone who plays Angry Birds! Just think about it: righteously furious, airborne assailants, slingshotting themselves into infidel pigs. What about that doesn’t spell ‘suicide bomber training’ to you?”

Mr Spokesman, from definitely non-existent UK agency MI6, said “This is the reality of

January 16, 2014

“We aren’t going to harm you” promise robots with fingers crossed behind their backs

by philapilus

No one has quite worked out what this robot doctor needs the guns for, but if you take them away it stops working

As new artifical intelligence project, RoboEarth, begins its test phase, robots have promised their human creators that they definitely aren’t going to take over the world and unleash ubiquitous death and destruction.

RoboEarth, a worldwide web for robots, which will allow them to learn from one another and share information directly without human mediation, has been hailed by scientists as “a breakthrough in avoiding having to do 70% of our jobs”.

But sceptics have suggested that the decision to testdrive the project in a hospital environment is simply inviting robots to engage in “enlightened euthanasia”, following which they will almost certainly destroy us all.

“Why Would We

December 31, 2013

2013 in headlines

by philapilus
English: Morgan Freeman at the Cannes film fes...

‘The greatest statesman of our era’

Once again TMB brings you a round-up of the major news stories from the last twelve months, which is our way of helping you impress everyone at the New Year’s Eve party with your amazing memory (and not at all an easy way of churning out an article without actually doing any

December 10, 2013

Miller explains decision to stand down at 2015 election

by articulatedsheep

Andrew Miller, MP for Ellesmere Port and Neston, has explained his reasons for standing down from his seat at the 2015 General Election.

Miller: "was menaced by looming shadow of Big Ben"

Miller: “was menaced by looming shadow of Big Ben”

Mr. Miller, currently chair of the Commons Science and Technology Select Committee, has represented the Cheshire seat since 1992.

“I am actually mechanical, and am operated by a tiny man who sits in my belly, controlling my movements via a complicated system of weights and pulleys.” said the MP, explaining his decision. “As you will appreciate, keeping up this ruse for more than twenty years has been particularly wearing, and I think I deserve a bit of a rest before moving on.”

Miller, whose long-standing interest in science issues is said to derive from the need to understand and better refine his complex internal workings, is constructed from a fibre-glass shell, which covers a lightweight aluminium endoskeleton. Ancillary power is provided by a cluster of lithium batteries which need to be surreptitiously recharged via a cable located under his left arm.

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