Archive for ‘Culture’

October 12, 2015

Andrew Marr is not really allowed to park his fucking green scooter outside the front door, say BBC chiefs

by philapilus

“I don’t give a fuck” said megalomaniac Marr

Senior staff at the BBC have said that Andy Marr has “positively absolutely definitely NOT got permission to leave that stupid green scooter outside the front fucking door.”

The revelation comes after compliance officers investigated complaints that Marr has a God-complex.

On reviewing footage from the opening sequence of the Andrew Marr show, they notice

September 21, 2015

Brian Sewell’s review: Heaven

by philapilus

what a dreadful garish display

Perhaps the quality one would expect most from the audaciously named ‘Heaven’ is an unalloyed and transcendent beauty; a perfection that might deserve such a superlative. Oh dear.

I have often been given cause to marvel at the magnificence that can be wrought in precious materials by the finest of craftsmen, but the so-called ‘Pearly Gates’ struck me as a drab affair, with none of the power of Rodin’s portals, nor even the

June 24, 2015

Britain’s Got Talent screened to migrants at Calais as deterrent

by philapilus

Guaranteed to cut immigration down to the low levels Britain enjoyed when Beadle’s About was on the telly

The government has announced mass screenings of Britain’s Got Talent in Calais, as an ’emergency deterrent’ to the migrants trying to force their way on to vehicles bound for Britain.

As strikes brought traffic on the French side of the tunnel to a standstill, hundreds of migrants massed and tried to board stationary lorries and even force their way into family cars.

Immigration minister James Brokenshire said “These poor fools don’t realise that whilst Britain’s welfare system is relatively attractive, these isles are a cultural wasteland of despair. Exposure to Britain’s Got Talent is an excellent way of

May 21, 2015

ISIS to assume curatorial duties in Palmyra

by philapilus

Deeply fond of culture

Islamic State militants announced today that they would be taking over the curating and preservation of the UNESCO World Heritage Site of Palmyra, the ruins of which are amongst the most important in the ancient world.

The IS spokesman for antiquities, Abdul ‘the beheader’ Aziz, said “People think that all we do is go around barbarically destroying anything that doesn’t fit a very specific and medieval version of Islam. But that’s not true.

“For instance, as an archaeologist, I am fascinated by the Temple of Bel, even if it is a place of heathen worship, and… oh hang on, sorry, I think that explosion was probably the temple. Well, to be fair, we probably had to do that one.

“But just look at all the

May 5, 2015

Scandinavian gunmen open fire at US ‘Draw Thor’ competition

by philapilus

We can’t show Thor wielding it, for fear of reprisals

Norse mythology extremists have been killed by police, after opening fire at contestants attending a ‘Draw Thor’ competition in Dallas yesterday.

The masked gunmen were shot dead by a traffic policeman, in an exchange of fire following a savage attack, which mercifully left no one harmed other than the perpetrators.

The event’s organiser, controversial anti-Thorian and free speech advocate, Frank Castle, said “This kind of religious extremism is absolutely intolerable in

April 17, 2015

Lucas finally gets what fans really want out of Star Wars

by philapilus

Staring at this film-still for three hours would be so much better than the Phantom Fucking Menace

After years of making appalling prequels, Star Wars creator George Lucas has finally understood that actually fans just want to see Han Solo and Chewbacca flying the Millenium Falcon around and wisecracking.

The new teaser trailer for Star Wars Part XXVI, the Force Awakens Again After Sort of Resting For A Bit, suggests Lucas has returned to his winning formula; lush backdrops, no racist CGI characters, light sabers going ‘ZZZSSSHHHHHMMMMMMMMMM’ and a space rogue hanging out with his big cuddly friend.

Superfan Tim Twanks, who goes by the online moniker, Zedd Calrissiolo, said “I thought I

April 10, 2015

Clarkson frontrunner for new British Museum director

by philapilus

It’s thought that Clarkson will turn the famous round reading room into a motorcycle ‘globe of death’

It has emerged that disgraced Top Gear presenter, Jeremy Clarkson, has become the bookies’ favourite for the soon-to-be vacated top job at the British Museum.

Speculation grew after Clarkson pulled out of a scheduled Have I Got News For You appearance, and simultaneously took out some books about pyramids from the children’s section of his local library.

Jeremy’s friend admitted yesterday that “JC just wants a bit of time to brush up on his knowledge of world cultural history. Which is dire.”

Sajid Javid, Minister for

February 6, 2015

Publishers hoping To Kill a Mockingbird sequel will feature wizards and vampires

by philapilus
File:Atticus and Tom Robinson in court.gif

“Maybe Atticus Finch has given up the unprofitable underdog lawsuits, and now runs a Secret Service school for turning delinquent kids into superspies? And his best friend is a giant robot.”

Publishers waiting to get their hands on Harper Lee’s manuscript Go Set A Watchman, said today they are hoping it will be very much in keeping with the current zeitgeist, with a plot that brings together wizards, angry dwarves, and a love triangle between a werewolf, a vampire and a zombie.

According to a spokesman for HarperCollins; “The sequel, which was actually written at the same time as To Kill A Mockingbird, will ideally continue the story of the impetuous Jean Louise ‘Scout’ Finch, and follow her enrolling in Pigverrucas School of Wizardry, battling other children as part of a

December 15, 2014

Sewell on Theatre: 2B’s Nativity Play

by philapilus

One was hardly put in mind of Piero Della Francesca

Review by Brian Sewell

Depressingly, this year’s offering to the dramatic muses Thalia and Melpomene once again took place in the School Hall – that most unimpressive and drab of venues. But one cannot blame the actors for that.

What one can – and does – blame the actors for, however, is the appalling quality of the performance. After last year’s debacle one hoped that the budding thespians would put some effort into their art.

But alas, the same ill-prepared cast recited lines in a manner that could only be evidence of severe mental retardation, under the

December 10, 2014

CIA “is not a very nice organisation” shock

by philapilus

Couldn’t give a fuck about Monet

There has been widespread shock at the discovery that the CIA is a secretive military intelligence organisation, which frequently makes use of extreme violence – and not, as was previously thought, the American branch of the Courtauld Institute of Art.

At a press conference yesterday, President Obama described revelations of brutal ‘Enhanced Interrogation Techniques’ used on terror-suspects as “Excessive, inhumane, and shameful.

“Such torturous methods are not at all in keeping with the principles of art history as practised by an august part of London University.”

There followed


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