Archive for ‘Culture’

November 26, 2014

Labour’s Grayson Perry bags “for collecting tears of disappointment”

by philapilus

Ukip’s has been designed to reflect their core values and policy… but is it art?

The limited edition bags Grayson Perry has designed for the Labour party have a special waterproof lining, for catching the tears of their supporters after the election defeat next year.

Perry, whose design has been lauded as ‘Fucking terrible’ by almost everyone, said “Is it a lion? Is it a pig? You don’t know. And I don’t know. I can’t draw either of them, so it’s somewhere in between.

“But that’s what makes it art.”

Labour have for almost two weeks been giving

August 28, 2014

Hello Kitty “actually Jack the Ripper” say creators

by philapilus

Often cut out the victim’s uterus and disfigured the face

Children, fans of stationery, and adults who refuse to grow up, have expressed surprise and dismay on learning that popular icon Hello Kitty is in fact a serial killer, and not – as was previously thought – an inoffensive cartoon cat.

Collectors of cutesy paraphernalia said they felt “deceived and angry”, after creators Sanrio revealed that Kitty was the infamous Jack the Ripper – almost as far from being a cloying lunchbox decoration as physically possible.

Fan Samantha Furcup said “All my clothes, bedcovers, posters, bags, mugs – everything – are covered with Hello Kitty. I have her face tattooed across my breasts, for fuck’s sake. And now it

August 13, 2014

World shortage of sympathy follows Hollywood deaths

by philapilus

File:Lauren bacall promo photo.jpg

Could act and was in films that weren’t about giant robots or anthropomorphic karate-practising turtles…

The relatively small amounts of sympathy, empathy and grief that the world is capable of have been massively eroded this week, according to experts.

The deaths of manic comedian Robin Williams and brilliant actress Lauren Bacall, have seen people all over the world using up their entire annual ration of care in just two days.

Celebrity death analyser, Marty Beebender, said “Everyone loved Robin Williams, he was amazing. Well, actually, to be quite honest I didn’t love him. He made a couple of good things and then loads of shit. But he’s dead, and so now we all think he was a genius and

May 27, 2014

Gove axes all ‘dangerously modern or foreign’ literature

by philapilus
File:Of Mice And Men Poster.jpg

Like giving your children actual poison

In a move critics are describing as “a bit unorthodox”, Education Secretary Michael Gove has announced the eradication of all works of ‘degenerate literary art’ from school libraries.

The public burning of English-language books published after 1900, and of any book whatsoever that was originally “written in foreign”, will take place in every school across the country later this week.

Mr Gove said “Last week’s statement that we were going to do away with so-called ‘classics’ like Of Mice and Men, and To Kill a Mockingbird was actually

May 21, 2014

‘Critics are best thing ever’ say critics

by philapilus
File:Pavarotti - Sutherland 1976.jpg

Like something from a Ken Loach film

Cultural commentators of all stripes have joined together in robustly defending the gallant assault some music critics made on a young opera singer’s looks.

The Daily Telegraph’s Rupert Christiansen was amongst those who were unfairly pilloried, after pointing out that Tara Erraught’s “dumpy stature” somehow didn’t sound right.

But he and many other critics have today published a riposte, in the form of an open letter, on the subject of ‘Why critics are beyond criticism’.

They explain that

May 16, 2014

Cameron vows ‘to hunt down’ Status Quo

by philapilus

Whatever you want…

In a bid to win the Scottish electorate over to the ‘Better Together’ position, David Cameron said yesterday that a vote against Scottish Independence will mean “No Status Quo”.

Speaking at a press conference, the Prime Minister said “For too long our joint countries have been blighted by the music of these ageing, MOR rockers. Do you remember those Argos adverts? Jesus Shitting Christ they were awful.

“My message to you, Scotland, is that by sticking with us, we’ll give you ‘Whatever You Want’, part of which will, I know, include the capture and violent butchering of every member, and former member, of Status Quo. It’s something we all want.

“So don’t

April 30, 2014

Fans ‘delighted’ as Jessica Tandy and Thora Hird confirm Star Wars VII appearances

by philapilus

“The Mos Eisley Old Folks Home; you will never find a more wretched hive of arthritics and anachronistic witterers.”

Legions of Sci-Fi fans were delirious this morning, as it was confirmed that yet more extremely elderly thespians had accepted parts in the forthcoming Star Wars film.

Yesterday’s announcement that Harrison Ford, Mark Hamill and Carrie Fisher will reprise their roles as Han, Luke and Leia, had already wowed the franchise’s most

April 10, 2014

Cameron’s Europe manifesto “Unlikely to mention Maria Miller”

by philapilus

David Cameron will this afternoon be launching the Conservative manifesto for the European elections, in which he will not be making constant references to the recently departed culture secretary.

“Let me make this clear: this is NOT about not talking about Maria Miller”

In the speech the Prime Minister will say “Europe” quite a lot, and will also frequently use the word “Britain”.

Whilst saying these things he will simultaneously not be saying “Maria Miller”, “Culture Secretary” or “Expenses”.

This has surprised many

April 9, 2014

Miller in shock resignation

by philapilus

David Cameron’s Cabinet was in turmoil this morning, after the completely unexpected resignation of Culture Secretary, Maria Miller.

The stairs that Maria wasn’t pushed down yesterday

Miller, whose tenure has been marked by an admirably laissez-faire approach of careful and principled inaction, had been thought of as one of the government’s key fixtures.

Her departure is as unexplained as it is sudden, and her own party colleagues were as shocked as members of the opposition.

Lord Tebbit, one of the Conservatives most thoughtful and ever-temperate

March 3, 2014

Major surprises at 86th Oscars

by philapilus

McQueen ‘Triumphant’ in 12 Years A Slave

Pundits say last night’s Academy Awards will go down as the most surprising in the history of the golden statuette, after upsets in all the main categories.

The Oscar for Best Picture went to 12 Years a Slave, Steve McQueen’s sequel to his 1963 film, the Great Escape.

McQueen both directed and starred, again playing Virgil Hilts, recaptured by the Nazis and forced into slavery, attaching those plasticky things to the end of shoelaces, which sort of stop them unravelling.

Best Director went to

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