Archive for ‘Culture’

April 10, 2014

Cameron’s Europe manifesto “Unlikely to mention Maria Miller”

by philapilus

David Cameron will this afternoon be launching the Conservative manifesto for the European elections, in which he will not be making constant references to the recently departed culture secretary.

“Let me make this clear: this is NOT about not talking about Maria Miller”

In the speech the Prime Minister will say “Europe” quite a lot, and will also frequently use the word “Britain”.

Whilst saying these things he will simultaneously not be saying “Maria Miller”, “Culture Secretary” or “Expenses”.

This has surprised many

April 9, 2014

Miller in shock resignation

by philapilus

David Cameron’s Cabinet was in turmoil this morning, after the completely unexpected resignation of Culture Secretary, Maria Miller.

The stairs that Maria wasn’t pushed down yesterday

Miller, whose tenure has been marked by an admirably laissez-faire approach of careful and principled inaction, had been thought of as one of the government’s key fixtures.

Her departure is as unexplained as it is sudden, and her own party colleagues were as shocked as members of the opposition.

Lord Tebbit, one of the Conservatives most thoughtful and ever-temperate

March 3, 2014

Major surprises at 86th Oscars

by philapilus

McQueen ‘Triumphant’ in 12 Years A Slave

Pundits say last night’s Academy Awards will go down as the most surprising in the history of the golden statuette, after upsets in all the main categories.

The Oscar for Best Picture went to 12 Years a Slave, Steve McQueen’s sequel to his 1963 film, the Great Escape.

McQueen both directed and starred, again playing Virgil Hilts, recaptured by the Nazis and forced into slavery, attaching those plasticky things to the end of shoelaces, which sort of stop them unravelling.

Best Director went to

February 25, 2014

Ghosts pay tribute to worthy adversary Spengler

by philapilus
Alt_Telefon

You can try, but he won’t be answering

Tributes from the ghost community have been flooding in, after the tragic early death of parapsychologist, Egon Spengler.

The ghosbuster passed away today after longstanding health problems.

Departed spirit, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, described Spengler as “A true gentleman, a valiant foe, and one of the smartest people who ever killed me. Killed me again, I mean.”

Evil godlike-being, Gozer, said “He

February 21, 2014

Guardian readers exploding in advance of Nymphomaniac release

by philapilus
File:Evelyn Ankers pin-up from Yank, The Army Weekly, July 1945.jpg

The only other porn they’re allowed is ironic enjoyment of vintage memorabilia

Readers of Britain’s best newspaper for left-leaning people with special needs, have begun spontaneously combusting, mere hours before the long-awaited release of Nymphomaniac.

Both the Guardian’s staff and readership have developed an unhealthy obsession with  Lars von Trier’s new film, which has been featured in over 7500 articles since the start of the year.

Psychologist Wendy Nailinthehead explained “When you start reading the Guardian, they make you take an oath – you know, to be a good feminist, leftist, eco-nut, and so forth – and one of the things you absolutely have to promise is never ever to look at porn.

“This film has

February 11, 2014

Fox News warns of sinister infiltration of ‘Commie Plastic’

by unpseudable

Staggeringly dangerous

Fox News has this week drawn the attention of the American public to the subtle, insidious invasion from Europe of tiny plastic figures of menacingly anti-capitalist intent.

Fox Business anchor, Charles Payne, reporting on the feature-length Lego advert, accused it of ‘indoctrination’.  “Basically, these Commie Danes seem to be telling our children that unrestrained capitalist corporations run by megalomaniac CEOs are not, by their very definition, the wondrously omnibenevolent apex of human endeavour.  This has to be stopped.  What’s more, the so-called ‘evil’ character, President Business, looks a hell of a lot like Mitt Romney.  Is that an accident?”

Media analyst Paul Degarabedian concurred, noting that “often times the head of a corporation is an easy target.  I mean, it makes you think about what poor beleaguered billionaire Tom Perkins said: the super-rich are pretty much on the verge of being taken to concentration camps. 

February 2, 2014

Heston Blumenthal’s latest dish causes issues

by unpseudable

Served live, garnished with an aiguillette of bull’s penis

Renowned for his trademark ‘bat-shit crazy’ recipes such as snail porridge, and bacon and egg ice cream, celebrity chef Heston Blumenthal has been accused of going “a bit far” by hygiene inspectors with the introduction of his new, experimental, Norovirus soufflé in his London restaurant, Dinner.

Customers who chose the perilous dish said they experienced a unique taste sensation, shortly followed by a variety of increasingly severe stomach pains, violent vomiting and lingering diarrhoea. A source close to Blumenthal said that the gourmet found the diners’ reactions “helpful in his ongoing quest to literally confuse the shit out of the relatively well-off.  However, the fucker left me to deal with their ‘reactions’ in the toilets afterwards.”

This is not the first time

December 31, 2013

2013 in headlines

by philapilus
English: Morgan Freeman at the Cannes film fes...

‘The greatest statesman of our era’

Once again TMB brings you a round-up of the major news stories from the last twelve months, which is our way of helping you impress everyone at the New Year’s Eve party with your amazing memory (and not at all an easy way of churning out an article without actually doing any

November 21, 2013

UK ‘City of Culture’ title only open to shitholes from now on

by philapilus
Español: Samuel Beckett

With such a plethora of UK cities qualifying as contenders, is it any wonder that Beckett spent most of his life in France?

As Hull revelled in the news that it would be the UK City of Culture in 2017, other cities previously tarred with the ‘complete shithole’ tag have stepped up their campaigns to win the coveted title.

A spokesman for Scunthorpe, who was too embarrassed to give his name, said “What’s Hull got that we haven’t? They’ve only won this on the basis that a poet had to take a library job there, because poetry pays fuck-all.

“Well Samuel Beckett once gobbed on the platform of Scunthorpe station when he was on a train passing through. We’ve made a blue plaque and everything. If that’s not culture I don’t know what is.”

Similarly Bradford is

November 8, 2013

BBC reveals Johnny Depp is ‘made of cake’

by philapilus
Jack Sparrow (Madame Tussauds, London).

Those dreadlocks are actually made of liquorice

The BBC has made the extremely surprising discovery that actor Johnny Depp is actually made entirely of cake.

Depp, whose works include the enormously successful ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ quadrilogy, has more often than not been seen as the ‘eye candy’ in his films, but few people – if any – in the industry were aware quite how literal this was.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough School of Scary Sweetstuffs, said “I think that everyone just assumed his

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