Archive for ‘Culture’

May 27, 2014

Gove axes all ‘dangerously modern or foreign’ literature

by philapilus
File:Of Mice And Men Poster.jpg

Like giving your children actual poison

In a move critics are describing as “a bit unorthodox”, Education Secretary Michael Gove has announced the eradication of all works of ‘degenerate literary art’ from school libraries.

The public burning of English-language books published after 1900, and of any book whatsoever that was originally “written in foreign”, will take place in every school across the country later this week.

Mr Gove said “Last week’s statement that we were going to do away with so-called ‘classics’ like Of Mice and Men, and To Kill a Mockingbird was actually

May 21, 2014

‘Critics are best thing ever’ say critics

by philapilus
File:Pavarotti - Sutherland 1976.jpg

Like something from a Ken Loach film

Cultural commentators of all stripes have joined together in robustly defending the gallant assault some music critics made on a young opera singer’s looks.

The Daily Telegraph’s Rupert Christiansen was amongst those who were unfairly pilloried, after pointing out that Tara Erraught’s “dumpy stature” somehow didn’t sound right.

But he and many other critics have today published a riposte, in the form of an open letter, on the subject of ‘Why critics are beyond criticism’.

They explain that

May 16, 2014

Cameron vows ‘to hunt down’ Status Quo

by philapilus

Whatever you want…

In a bid to win the Scottish electorate over to the ‘Better Together’ position, David Cameron said yesterday that a vote against Scottish Independence will mean “No Status Quo”.

Speaking at a press conference, the Prime Minister said “For too long our joint countries have been blighted by the music of these ageing, MOR rockers. Do you remember those Argos adverts? Jesus Shitting Christ they were awful.

“My message to you, Scotland, is that by sticking with us, we’ll give you ‘Whatever You Want’, part of which will, I know, include the capture and violent butchering of every member, and former member, of Status Quo. It’s something we all want.

“So don’t

April 30, 2014

Fans ‘delighted’ as Jessica Tandy and Thora Hird confirm Star Wars VII appearances

by philapilus

“The Mos Eisley Old Folks Home; you will never find a more wretched hive of arthritics and anachronistic witterers.”

Legions of Sci-Fi fans were delirious this morning, as it was confirmed that yet more extremely elderly thespians had accepted parts in the forthcoming Star Wars film.

Yesterday’s announcement that Harrison Ford, Mark Hamill and Carrie Fisher will reprise their roles as Han, Luke and Leia, had already wowed the franchise’s most

April 10, 2014

Cameron’s Europe manifesto “Unlikely to mention Maria Miller”

by philapilus

David Cameron will this afternoon be launching the Conservative manifesto for the European elections, in which he will not be making constant references to the recently departed culture secretary.

“Let me make this clear: this is NOT about not talking about Maria Miller”

In the speech the Prime Minister will say “Europe” quite a lot, and will also frequently use the word “Britain”.

Whilst saying these things he will simultaneously not be saying “Maria Miller”, “Culture Secretary” or “Expenses”.

This has surprised many

April 9, 2014

Miller in shock resignation

by philapilus

David Cameron’s Cabinet was in turmoil this morning, after the completely unexpected resignation of Culture Secretary, Maria Miller.

The stairs that Maria wasn’t pushed down yesterday

Miller, whose tenure has been marked by an admirably laissez-faire approach of careful and principled inaction, had been thought of as one of the government’s key fixtures.

Her departure is as unexplained as it is sudden, and her own party colleagues were as shocked as members of the opposition.

Lord Tebbit, one of the Conservatives most thoughtful and ever-temperate

March 3, 2014

Major surprises at 86th Oscars

by philapilus

McQueen ‘Triumphant’ in 12 Years A Slave

Pundits say last night’s Academy Awards will go down as the most surprising in the history of the golden statuette, after upsets in all the main categories.

The Oscar for Best Picture went to 12 Years a Slave, Steve McQueen’s sequel to his 1963 film, the Great Escape.

McQueen both directed and starred, again playing Virgil Hilts, recaptured by the Nazis and forced into slavery, attaching those plasticky things to the end of shoelaces, which sort of stop them unravelling.

Best Director went to

February 25, 2014

Ghosts pay tribute to worthy adversary Spengler

by philapilus
Alt_Telefon

You can try, but he won’t be answering

Tributes from the ghost community have been flooding in, after the tragic early death of parapsychologist, Egon Spengler.

The ghosbuster passed away today after longstanding health problems.

Departed spirit, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, described Spengler as “A true gentleman, a valiant foe, and one of the smartest people who ever killed me. Killed me again, I mean.”

Evil godlike-being, Gozer, said “He

February 21, 2014

Guardian readers exploding in advance of Nymphomaniac release

by philapilus
File:Evelyn Ankers pin-up from Yank, The Army Weekly, July 1945.jpg

The only other porn they’re allowed is ironic enjoyment of vintage memorabilia

Readers of Britain’s best newspaper for left-leaning people with special needs, have begun spontaneously combusting, mere hours before the long-awaited release of Nymphomaniac.

Both the Guardian’s staff and readership have developed an unhealthy obsession with  Lars von Trier’s new film, which has been featured in over 7500 articles since the start of the year.

Psychologist Wendy Nailinthehead explained “When you start reading the Guardian, they make you take an oath – you know, to be a good feminist, leftist, eco-nut, and so forth – and one of the things you absolutely have to promise is never ever to look at porn.

“This film has

February 11, 2014

Fox News warns of sinister infiltration of ‘Commie Plastic’

by unpseudable

Staggeringly dangerous

Fox News has this week drawn the attention of the American public to the subtle, insidious invasion from Europe of tiny plastic figures of menacingly anti-capitalist intent.

Fox Business anchor, Charles Payne, reporting on the feature-length Lego advert, accused it of ‘indoctrination’.  “Basically, these Commie Danes seem to be telling our children that unrestrained capitalist corporations run by megalomaniac CEOs are not, by their very definition, the wondrously omnibenevolent apex of human endeavour.  This has to be stopped.  What’s more, the so-called ‘evil’ character, President Business, looks a hell of a lot like Mitt Romney.  Is that an accident?”

Media analyst Paul Degarabedian concurred, noting that “often times the head of a corporation is an easy target.  I mean, it makes you think about what poor beleaguered billionaire Tom Perkins said: the super-rich are pretty much on the verge of being taken to concentration camps. 

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