Archive for ‘Crime’

August 1, 2014

Dawkins to be date-raped and stranger-raped in name of science

by philapilus

“Um, did I just say something monumentally stupid?”

Scientist Richard Dawkins has agreed to be raped, once by a friend and once by a complete stranger, in order to test scientifically his pronouncement that the former is preferable.

Speaking to the Today programme, Dawkins said “Look, the point I was making is a very simple one: saying X is worse than Y is not an endorsement of X – that’s just plain logic.

“But, as I have made these particular predictions, I feel I have to test my hypotheses, in the spirit of scientific enquiry. I am a man of

July 29, 2014

Police ‘to politely ask criminals not to do crime’

by philapilus
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/1/12/Capture-of-Blackbeard.jpg

These chaps are downloading the new Planet of the Apes film

The City of London police force announced this morning that it will replace all traditional forms of policing with new, targeted measures, including internet adverts, handing out ‘please don’t’ leaflets to suspicious characters, and using a loudhailer to ask people kindly to refrain from crime.

The process began with police banner ads appearing on piracy websites, with messages such as “Please don’t engage in piracy” and “You aren’t being naughty are you?” and the guilt-inducing “What would your dear old mum think if she saw you, eh?”

But the force decided to expand its use of such relatively passive means of crime-fighting because they are “cheaper, easier, safer, and mean we can spend most of the day sitting at a desk dunking bourbon chocolate biscuits in

July 13, 2014

Margaret Thatcher “may not have been the wonderful person we all knew and loved”

by philapilus
File:Margaret Thatcher (Retouched).JPG

As kind as she was sexy

Westminster has been stunned to its core, after allegations were made today that the late Margaret Thatcher might have done some things that weren’t completely brilliant and morally sound.

Reports that Thatcher “covered up for a minister accused of sex abuse” have shaken the political establishments, with both the major parties expressing shock.

Although rumours of the Westminster paedophile ring have been around for some time, no one had dreamed that Lady Thatcher could have been involved in

July 7, 2014

Inquiry into child sex abuse exonerates all past and present MPs

by philapilus

“Probably not that much point actually writing it down, really”

The widely-anticipated inquiry into historical allegations of child sex abuse has found “No evidence of wrongdoing by anyone in public office”, despite not having officially started yet.

The inquiry, which is expected to investigate claims of a paedophile ring in Westminster, and the disappearance of relevant documents passed to the Home Office, was to be announced this afternoon by Theresa May.

But even though as yet it has no chairperson, agenda, or even a defined field of questioning, the Inquiry has produced a 17,000 page dcoument, the Daz Report, completely exonerating everyone.

Government spokesperson, Percy Spoke, said “This

May 28, 2014

All court evidence to be delivered “through the medium of song”

by philapilus
File:Kazoo.jpg

“The Defence calls for a kazoo, m’lud…”

After Rolf Harris surprised jurors in his sex abuse trial yesterday with renditions of his musical hits, the High Court has ruled that in future all evidence is to be given through song.

Judge Dreydd, Lord Chief Justice of England and Wales, said “I don’t know if Rolf’s guilty or not, but it’s the first time I’ve ever seen a jury stay awake for the whole session.

“From now on it is going to be mandatory for all witnesses and defendants to communicate solely through song – although they will be allowed to accompany themselves on wobble-board, spoons, or the kazoo.

“Anyone who

April 30, 2014

US introduces new ‘nearly capital punishment’ sentence

by philapilus

Now just makes a really annoying buzzing sound until your brain gives up out of desperation

Courts throughout the United States have been given the go-ahead to hand down ‘not quite death’ sentences, after a successful trial run yesterday, with Oklahoman prisoner Clayton Lockett.

Lockett eventually had a heart attack, after a lethal injection nearly – but crucially not quite – killed him.

The new sentence, known as ‘nearly capital’ or ‘not quite death’, has been brought in to act “as even more of a deterrent than the existing deterrent of just killing people.”

Senator Randy Bumfukowizc, who pushed

March 20, 2014

G4S manages a whole day without fuck-ups

by philapilus

Yay us!

It was announced this morning that on Friday last week, G4S didn’t make a single mistake all day.

The company drew media attention to the anomaly in a bid to shift attention from today’s news that three of its custody employees will face manslaughter charges, over the death of deportee Jimmy Mabenga, while in transit.

G4S has continuously won awards for its utter fuckwittery*, including the coveted ‘being called completely fucking shit by almost every person on the planet’ medal.

But

February 27, 2014

England has had its drink spiked

by philapilus
File:Knuckle duster.jpg

“Fucking come on then, you bastard”

England has claimed that it has had its drink spiked, after a European aristocrat used the same argument to explain away a racist tirade and physical abuse.

Baroness Marie-Claire Von Alvensleben received a very small fine and a suspended six-week sentence, for racial abuse, hitting two men and obstructing a police officer.

England said “I have just realised that I had my drink spiked too. Why else would I have been a xenophobic, racist, violent twat?”

The country said that

February 26, 2014

DfT encourages cyclists to use motorways

by philapilus

If motorists and cyclists all took each other out, think how tranquil and beautiful our motorways could be…

In a somewhat unusual move, the Department for Transport has announced plans to legalise the use of bicycles on motorways, but only during peak times, and provided cyclists use the fast lane wherever possible.

The move follows an unusual incident in which police stopped a man cycling along the M25, having slavishly followed the directions of his SatNav, rather than the law, or common sense.

DfT spokesperson, Percy Spoke, said “We have traditionally prevented cyclists from entering the motorway, because of the extreme likelihood of them being hit by a lorry and smeared across several miles of

February 25, 2014

PISTORIUS ON TRIAL: the series!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

by philapilus
Oscar_Pistorius,_the_first_round_of_the_400m_at_the_London_2012_Olympic_Games

Running prosthetics, or WEAPONS OF DEATH attached to a MURDERER?!?! We’ll help you decide!!!!

Do YOU like DRAMATIC NEWS made EASY TO UNDERSTAND and EXCITING????

PISTORIUS! The NAME that’s at the HEART of the ENIGMA wrapped in a CONUNDRUM that’s a DID HE/DIDN’T HE that can hold its own against ANY TRIAL of the last 100 YEARS!!!!

PISTORIUS! You’ve heard the RUMOUR, the OPINION, the GUESSES, now hear…THE TRUTH!!!!

PISTORIUS! The EVIDENCE is COMING OUT, the

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