Archive for ‘Crime’

March 20, 2014

G4S manages a whole day without fuck-ups

by philapilus

Yay us!

It was announced this morning that on Friday last week, G4S didn’t make a single mistake all day.

The company drew media attention to the anomaly in a bid to shift attention from today’s news that three of its custody employees will face manslaughter charges, over the death of deportee Jimmy Mabenga, while in transit.

G4S has continuously won awards for its utter fuckwittery*, including the coveted ‘being called completely fucking shit by almost every person on the planet’ medal.


February 27, 2014

England has had its drink spiked

by philapilus
File:Knuckle duster.jpg

“Fucking come on then, you bastard”

England has claimed that it has had its drink spiked, after a European aristocrat used the same argument to explain away a racist tirade and physical abuse.

Baroness Marie-Claire Von Alvensleben received a very small fine and a suspended six-week sentence, for racial abuse, hitting two men and obstructing a police officer.

England said “I have just realised that I had my drink spiked too. Why else would I have been a xenophobic, racist, violent twat?”

The country said that

February 26, 2014

DfT encourages cyclists to use motorways

by philapilus

If motorists and cyclists all took each other out, think how tranquil and beautiful our motorways could be…

In a somewhat unusual move, the Department for Transport has announced plans to legalise the use of bicycles on motorways, but only during peak times, and provided cyclists use the fast lane wherever possible.

The move follows an unusual incident in which police stopped a man cycling along the M25, having slavishly followed the directions of his SatNav, rather than the law, or common sense.

DfT spokesperson, Percy Spoke, said “We have traditionally prevented cyclists from entering the motorway, because of the extreme likelihood of them being hit by a lorry and smeared across several miles of

February 25, 2014

PISTORIUS ON TRIAL: the series!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

by philapilus

Running prosthetics, or WEAPONS OF DEATH attached to a MURDERER?!?! We’ll help you decide!!!!


PISTORIUS! The NAME that’s at the HEART of the ENIGMA wrapped in a CONUNDRUM that’s a DID HE/DIDN’T HE that can hold its own against ANY TRIAL of the last 100 YEARS!!!!

PISTORIUS! You’ve heard the RUMOUR, the OPINION, the GUESSES, now hear…THE TRUTH!!!!


February 21, 2014

Britain needs Judge Dredd, says report

by philapilus

‘Tough on littering, tough on the causes of littering’

The UK can only be saved from its current fallen state of lawless mayhem by the introduction of on-the-spot executioners, according to a centre-right think tank.

Policy Exchange has called for court-closures, the recruitment of more magistrates, and the arming of the latter with a range of powerful firearms allowing them to ‘Judge’ criminals on the streets. Terminally.

The report recommends basing magistrates in police stations to speed up justice, and to give the public all the benefits of a well-organised police-state.

It calls for “Far-reaching reform of the judicial system, in line with budgetary constraints and policy goals, and also some of those motorbikes with mounted laser canons.”

It goes on to

February 18, 2014

‘North Korea possibly not as brilliant as we thought’ says UN

by philapilus

‘Well Duuuuuuuuuuh…’

A United Nations report has made the shocking claim that North Korea might not be the beautiful, happy, brilliant place depicted on the brochure Kim Jong-un sends periodically to the UN’s Geneva office.

The report comes after a year-long investigation, and details numerous, previously unguessed-at, crimes against humanity and violations of human rights.

Colin Bruce, UN Investigator, said “Oh my days, this is just awful. When they gave me the assignment I was like; ‘Investigate North Korea? Fantastic, I’ll get my bucket and spade! Holiday-time!’

“But it’s

February 12, 2014

UK Treasury ministers to rip off unsuspecting Americans

by unpseudable

With news emerging this week of a phone scam that used a photo of the unwitting Chief Secretary to the Treasury, Danny Alexander, new and potentially lucrative Treasury schemes have been unveiled.

Who wouldn’t trust this guy?

Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne, put out a statement to explain: “We received reports that a woman from Kentucky got a call from Jamaica, informing her that she’d won $2.5 million and a Mercedes Benz, and all she needed to do was send money to pay off the tax on the prizes.  This she duly did – simply because the caller used a photo of Danny Alexander as ID, to prove his legitimacy.  And she thought he looked trustworthy – why is anyone’s guess.  So we figured: shit, why don’t we just do that?  We could make millions!

“And if we get caught

February 2, 2014

Tyne-Wear derby match has ‘disappointingly low levels of violence’

by philapilus
File:Bengalisches Feuer Dortmund.jpg

“Ooh look, you can almost see a bit of the pitch in the footage of this match. We’ve still not quite worked out what that’s for…”

Football fans from Sunderland and Newcastle expressed their “pervading sense of disappointment” this morning, after last night’s match provoked no more than a scattering of small riots, with only ten arrests made, and not a single brutal murder.

The two sets of fans – justly celebrated for their disproportionately bitter sense of rivalry, mutual hatred, and tendency to headbutt one another indiscriminately, and irrespective of who actually wins – were successfully kept apart by police escorts.

Joe ‘Hooligan’ Meatball, head of the Newcastle Fans Association, said “The coppers ruined what could have been a really spectacular dust-up. The conditions were perfect, animosity levels were running at 89%, we’d been practising hard all season, and had a brilliant strategy of attacking up the wing with broken bottles, whilst

January 31, 2014

Mail asks: ‘Foxy Knoxy to be Locksy in Boxy?’

by philapilus

For the record, The Daily Mail is a brilliant paper, peopled with first-class journalists. We respect them enormously, and completely regret the utter untruths we have published in this article. Please, tell our families we loved them.

By tapping the occult phone of ‘Oleaginous Little Prick of the Year’ Paul Dacre, TMB is able to reveal messages that Dacre, editor of the Daily Mail, sent to his staff in the Seventh Circle of Hell, where they have been preparing today’s top story, details of which we can now reveal.

After an Italian court reinstated Amanda Knox’s guilty verdict yesterday, the Mail will today be leading with the title ‘Will Foxy Knoxy be Locksy in Boxy?’

Following this will be a

January 29, 2014

Rubbish bins to get round-the-clock police protection

by unpseudable

Highly sought-after refuse with a ‘street value’ of almost nothing

The Crown Prosecution Service this week took steps to ensure the ongoing mass wastage of food, by prosecuting three people who took a bit of rubbish from a bin.

Three men were arrested suspected of having taken some veg and cheese destined for landfill, after an audacious police operation to apprehend them.

Recounting the events of the evening, PC Bill Copper said, “We arrived on the scene just behind Iceland (the shop, not the country) at 11.57pm.  On seeing the perpetrators I said, ‘hold it right there’, and basically they did.  At that point, the adrenaline took over and I just did what I had to do: wandered over to them, said ‘you’re under arrest’ and, well, put the handcuffs on.”

The arrests were welcomed


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