Archive for ‘Crime’

September 10, 2014

“Great day for prejudice” as Jack the Ripper identified as Jewish foreigner

by philapilus
"No, no, NO! He had a great big hooked nose, fingerless gloves, and those weird twists of pubic hair on either side of his face"

“No, no, NO! He had a great big hooked nose, fingerless gloves, and those weird twists of pubic hair on either side of his face”

Across the UK, bigots, xenophobes and racists (so pretty much everyone) were delighted this week, after the Daily Mail announced new evidence which “proves definitively that Jack the Ripper was a Polish Jew”.

Delighted Ripperologists said it was “finally time to break out the flaming torches and go get them stinking Hebes.”

Tim Twanks, a current Whitechapel resident, said “After more than a century of the liberal curtailing of prejudice, and improved education, it turns out the blindly bigoted, squawking, anti-Semitic British public were right all along

“So now we

September 1, 2014

The Martyrdom of a Modern Hero, by George Galloway

by philapilus

 

The thought of that beautiful smile being wiped off his face is more than we lowly commoners can bear…

Bravely stood the proud and noble man; erect, full of purpose, indefatigable as a Persian dictator, though with the moral complexion of a Saint, astride the London streets like a mighty colossus, blessing common people, as was his wont.

But even his great mind was unable to foresee what was coming; a savage beating at the hands of a maniac.

You will be distraught, I know, to hear that this brutally set-upon genius was not some remote ivory-tower intellectual, but one

August 28, 2014

Hello Kitty “actually Jack the Ripper” say creators

by philapilus

Often cut out the victim’s uterus and disfigured the face

Children, fans of stationery, and adults who refuse to grow up, have expressed surprise and dismay on learning that popular icon Hello Kitty is in fact a serial killer, and not – as was previously thought – an inoffensive cartoon cat.

Collectors of cutesy paraphernalia said they felt “deceived and angry”, after creators Sanrio revealed that Kitty was the infamous Jack the Ripper – almost as far from being a cloying lunchbox decoration as physically possible.

Fan Samantha Furcup said “All my clothes, bedcovers, posters, bags, mugs – everything – are covered with Hello Kitty. I have her face tattooed across my breasts, for fuck’s sake. And now it

August 26, 2014

Boris calls for small change in law to let him become Emperor

by philapilus

Behold! The God-king descends majestically from the sky!

After calling this morning for legal reforms to do away with “All that rotten guff about fair trial and habeas corpus“, Boris Johnson has now suggested yet more “minute changes to the law, that will allow me to, you know, sort of rule you all as an Emperor/God-incarnate type of chap.”

Boris said this lunchtime that he would like to see “Some really very, very minor alterations in British Sovereign law, that just kind of ‘bump up’ my role a bit.

“Kind of elevating the

August 19, 2014

Assange: ‘I’m probably OK to come out now, yeah?’

by philapilus

“I don’t get out much, but I thought the press would be the best people to ask about my chances for freedom, given their unimpeachable code of honour and great integrity.”

Julian Assange yesterday invited reporters to the Ecuadorian embassy, saying “I just wanted to see if you guys reckon I can come out of hiding yet?”

The Australian fled to the embassy two years ago to avoid extradition to Sweden on charges of sexual assault. He also fears incarceration by the US over the Wikileaks revelations.

Assange exhorted journalists to “Be honest; I really don’t want to make a boob here”, adding “but like, all that stuff was a

August 5, 2014

Ecclestone clears his name over bribe charges with massive bribe

by philapilus

Mr Ecclestone has been the boss of Formula 1 racing for years, and is worth over $4bn

Bernie Ecclestone today definitively cleared himself from the boggy mire of accusations of financial bribery, using a massive financial bribe.

Ecclestone, who was being prosecuted in a German court, was able to end the bribery trial, through the application of a very large amount of money.

The F1 boss’s legal team, from the Yewlby, Buggerd, Shatton & Pisston partnership, said “No one may accuse Mr Ecclestone of

August 1, 2014

Dawkins to be date-raped and stranger-raped in name of science

by philapilus

“Um, did I just say something monumentally stupid?”

Scientist Richard Dawkins has agreed to be raped, once by a friend and once by a complete stranger, in order to test scientifically his pronouncement that the former is preferable.

Speaking to the Today programme, Dawkins said “Look, the point I was making is a very simple one: saying X is worse than Y is not an endorsement of X – that’s just plain logic.

“But, as I have made these particular predictions, I feel I have to test my hypotheses, in the spirit of scientific enquiry. I am a man of

July 29, 2014

Police ‘to politely ask criminals not to do crime’

by philapilus
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/1/12/Capture-of-Blackbeard.jpg

These chaps are downloading the new Planet of the Apes film

The City of London police force announced this morning that it will replace all traditional forms of policing with new, targeted measures, including internet adverts, handing out ‘please don’t’ leaflets to suspicious characters, and using a loudhailer to ask people kindly to refrain from crime.

The process began with police banner ads appearing on piracy websites, with messages such as “Please don’t engage in piracy” and “You aren’t being naughty are you?” and the guilt-inducing “What would your dear old mum think if she saw you, eh?”

But the force decided to expand its use of such relatively passive means of crime-fighting because they are “cheaper, easier, safer, and mean we can spend most of the day sitting at a desk dunking bourbon chocolate biscuits in

July 13, 2014

Margaret Thatcher “may not have been the wonderful person we all knew and loved”

by philapilus
File:Margaret Thatcher (Retouched).JPG

As kind as she was sexy

Westminster has been stunned to its core, after allegations were made today that the late Margaret Thatcher might have done some things that weren’t completely brilliant and morally sound.

Reports that Thatcher “covered up for a minister accused of sex abuse” have shaken the political establishments, with both the major parties expressing shock.

Although rumours of the Westminster paedophile ring have been around for some time, no one had dreamed that Lady Thatcher could have been involved in

July 7, 2014

Inquiry into child sex abuse exonerates all past and present MPs

by philapilus

“Probably not that much point actually writing it down, really”

The widely-anticipated inquiry into historical allegations of child sex abuse has found “No evidence of wrongdoing by anyone in public office”, despite not having officially started yet.

The inquiry, which is expected to investigate claims of a paedophile ring in Westminster, and the disappearance of relevant documents passed to the Home Office, was to be announced this afternoon by Theresa May.

But even though as yet it has no chairperson, agenda, or even a defined field of questioning, the Inquiry has produced a 17,000 page dcoument, the Daz Report, completely exonerating everyone.

Government spokesperson, Percy Spoke, said “This

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