Archive for ‘Crime’

June 9, 2015

FIFA offering London Mayoralty to most ‘convincing’ bidder

by philapilus

“I’ve got this terrible pain in my head, right here. I hope it’s not the early onset of dementia and regrettable associated amnesia!”

The disgraced FIFA organisation has offered to ‘help secure’ the position of Mayor of London “for whichever of the candidates does the best job of convincing our board of their case.”

Embattled president Sepp Blatter said “By ‘case’ we obviously don’t just mean a case full of cash! No; we’d like to help whoever shows us that they have the whole package. We want to see someone who can really push the brown envelope. Someone willing to put a bit of elbow grease into our han- into the job.”

The offer “to assist in an advisory capacity” in the 2016 mayoral elections, comes after FIFA announced its diversification “into other lucrative markets, you know, in case the football thing doesn’t

May 20, 2015

Prince Charles and Gerry Adams in suspected ‘bodyswap’

by philapilus

“Well now, dis is a bit o’ a gamechanger, so it is”

It has emerged that the Prince of Wales and the leader of Sinn Fein seem to have had their minds transposed into one another’s bodies, during yesterday’s historic handshake.

An aide to Prince Charles said his suspicions were aroused when the Prince made a series of “extremely worrying” phone calls last night, in a thick Irish accent, during which he uttered several apparently coded statements such as ‘Big Fish has reached the Blarney Stone’ and ‘the Guinness has a potato in, Operation Shamrock is a Go’.

Associates of Gerry Adams had also noticed something was amiss when he failed to attend “a certain meeting at midnight in a carpark”, and was instead “found in a field poshly lecturing a plot of lettuces about

May 5, 2015

Scandinavian gunmen open fire at US ‘Draw Thor’ competition

by philapilus

We can’t show Thor wielding it, for fear of reprisals

Norse mythology extremists have been killed by police, after opening fire at contestants attending a ‘Draw Thor’ competition in Dallas yesterday.

The masked gunmen were shot dead by a traffic policeman, in an exchange of fire following a savage attack, which mercifully left no one harmed other than the perpetrators.

The event’s organiser, controversial anti-Thorian and free speech advocate, Frank Castle, said “This kind of religious extremism is absolutely intolerable in

March 27, 2015

Clarkson: ‘Leave my friend Ois alone, or I’ll punch him in the face again’

by philapilus

“Why can’t you take a leaf out of my book and just be nice to him?”

Jeremy Clarkson has railed at journalists for pestering Oisin Tymon, the producer he punched, leading to his own dismissal from the BBC.

The former Top Gear presenter said he was irate about seeing “Poor little Oisin being hassled by all of you journos, just because I punched him. Oisin has the right to be punched in privacy!

“In this age of

March 17, 2015

UK to start again with single-celled organisms

by philapilus

When evolution reaches this stage it is time to prime the machines

It has been agreed that all so-called intelligent life within the UK is to be eradicated imminently, leaving the land barren and void in the hope that something better than us might eventually evolve.

Scientific and military authorities were given the go-ahead, after the news that judges are being fired in their droves for looking at porn on work computers, that police and MPs covered up endemic paedophilia within their ranks, and that Oliver Letwin still hasn’t yet fucked off.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau of the Slough College of the Apocalypse said “For month after month Britain has just been subjected to an unending diarrhoeic stream of

March 9, 2015

Red Setter “killed himself to escape nightmare of dog shows”

by philapilus

Designed by nature to run around covered in shit and slobber. Brushing not required.

It has emerged today that the poisoned meat which killed an Irish setter at dog show Crufts was self-administered.

Cries of foul play followed the death of Thendara Satisfaction (aka Jagger), with an abundance of conspiracy theories already well-developed in time for the papers this morning.

But the discovery of a suicide note, left by the dog has turned the murder enquiry on its head.

In the

February 18, 2015

Jon Snow “became burglar to support drugs habit”

by philapilus
File:Jon Snow.jpg

Snow toking on a disguised bong. Note how out of focus the drugs make him appear

Veteran newsreader Jon Snow was arrested by police this morning, after being discovered apparently  burgling the house of Sir Trevor McDonald.

Snow recently participated in a medical trial smoking skunk for a Channel 4 documentary, and subsequently graduated from the potent cannabis to crack, and then heroin, in the space of twenty minutes.

A police spokesman said “As we all know, using any form of drug whatsoever immediately leads to using all of the others, selling your body to fat truck drivers, and then robbing your

February 2, 2015

Mugging victim pledges donation for the bounty-killing of his assailant

by philapilus

 

Esther Ranzen donated this can of petrol, for dousing the mugger’s body, before its cremation in a ditch

A disabled pensioner who was mugged outside his own home has said he is “overwhelmed and speechless” after receiving £300k in donations, and has pledged to use the money to put a bounty on the head of his mugger.

The story of Tim Twanks, who was punched to the ground and violently robbed, was published in a local newspaper, in whatever ghastly bit of the North he lives in – where it caught the eye of local fishwife, Wendy Nailinthehead.

Nailinthehead began an online appeal for Mr Twanks, and ordinary, lovable members of the big-hearted British public donated hundreds of thousands of pounds for the impoverished pensioner.

Mr Twanks said today “I was

November 27, 2014

‘Mad’ Frankie Fraser immediately gets celestial ASBO

by philapilus

After he was finally subdued, Frankie was strip-searched and had a number of weapons confiscated

Notorious gangster ‘Mad’ Frankie Fraser received his first celestial ASBO within minutes of his death yesterday.

Francis Davidson Fraser arrived at the Pearly Gates and was, according to eyewitnesses, in a foul temper, threatening to “Do over the fackin’ doctors what got me in the coma and got me old family to switch off the blahdy machine.”

On being welcomed by St Peter, ‘Mad’ Frankie immediately took offence to

November 19, 2014

Horses “better than police in every way”

by philapilus

Only one of these two won’t try and chat you up when you’re reporting a rape

A study has found that police horses are more friendly, better at preventing and solving crime, and less institutionally racist than their human counterparts.

The study, commissioned by the Association of Police Officers and conducted by the University of Oxford, suggests that over 80% of those interviewed “Would choose a horse over a person to come and investigate crimes such as domestic burglary, assault, and car theft.”

Author of the report, Professor Hamish McEyebrau, said “The general feeling was that horses were gentler, less sarcastic, and would not make you wait as long for

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 323 other followers