Archive for ‘Business’

August 10, 2015

“Some of my best friends menstruate” says Trump

by philapilus

“Turtle-faced little piece of shit”

Donald Trump has lashed out at critics after his attack on a Fox journalist, and insisted he did not imply she was menstruating, but added “Even if I had said she was menstruating like a stuck pig, I would only have meant it in a really positive way.”

The tycoon, who had said publicly that Megyn Kelly was “bleeding out of her wherever” continued “I mean, obviously menstruation is gross, unnatural, dirty – and frankly just done to grab attention, but apart from that, I think it’s great.

“Some of my best friends are women. Or at

July 16, 2015

Trade Unions not really necessary anymore, says government

by philapilus

None of these people brought the mandatory armadillo which would have made the strike legal, so they were all thrown off Beachy Head

The government has said that its plans to change the way Trade Unions vote on strikes are in no way an assault on workers’ rights because “workers already have everything they want”.

Business Secretary Sajid Javid said “All those people who are saying that this will make legal strikes impossible are overlooking the fact that no one really wants to strike anymore. We’ve fixed pretty much everything, and everyone is happy.

“What we need is a country that works for working people who work at the right kind of work and don’t work with other workers to

June 18, 2015

Millions unable to enjoy porn properly because of broadband speed

by philapilus

‘Half the time there’s no point even plugging the fucking thing in’

Consumer watchdog Which? has discovered that the vast majority of UK homes are not getting the broadband speed they are paying for, seriously limiting their enjoyment of HD adult material, online gambling, and pictures of goats (the latter not necessarily separately from the adult material).

With evidence suggesting that BT and TalkTalk failed to provide the advertised top speed to even 10% of their customers, Which? has brought the matter to Ofcom, who are now investigating the UK’s lack of access to “the really nasty stuff”.

Which? spokesman Percy Spoke said “Our tests found

June 17, 2015

RBS to refuse customers access to their money

by philapilus

No one noticed before that this translates as ‘The bank that despises you all”

RBS said this morning that the 600,000 payments to customers that went ‘missing’ last night were not the result of a mistake. A statement by the publicly owned bank also warned that “customers can expect a lot more of this sort of thing once nice Mr Osborne lets us go private again.”

Jerry Grossekatzen, spokesman for the RBS group said “Normally I’d say some bollocks about the computer system, probably. Or elves with little nets coming and taking your money in the night. But actually we can’t be bothered to make this shit up anymore; we’ll soon be free of you grubby little oiks.

“Our CEO Ross McEwan has filled a swimming pool with your cash, and once Osborne flogs RBS, he and Fred Goodwin are going to swim in it all day. You remember

June 9, 2015

FIFA offering London Mayoralty to most ‘convincing’ bidder

by philapilus

“I’ve got this terrible pain in my head, right here. I hope it’s not the early onset of dementia and regrettable associated amnesia!”

The disgraced FIFA organisation has offered to ‘help secure’ the position of Mayor of London “for whichever of the candidates does the best job of convincing our board of their case.”

Embattled president Sepp Blatter said “By ‘case’ we obviously don’t just mean a case full of cash! No; we’d like to help whoever shows us that they have the whole package. We want to see someone who can really push the brown envelope. Someone willing to put a bit of elbow grease into our han- into the job.”

The offer “to assist in an advisory capacity” in the 2016 mayoral elections, comes after FIFA announced its diversification “into other lucrative markets, you know, in case the football thing doesn’t

April 24, 2015

Thousands take to streets, begging HSBC not to leave UK

by philapilus

“Maybe tomorrow we’ll wanna settle down; until tomorrow we’ll just keep movin’ on”

The country has been flooded with grief today, after the announcement by beloved bank HSBC that it was looking into relocating away from the UK.

The mass outpouring of sadness resulted in demonstrations across the capital, with members of the public donning sackcloth and ashes, and flagellating themselves, as they wept and pleaded with the bank to stay.

Mourner Tim Twanks sobbed “I’ve been

April 24, 2015

Holborn area of Central London not even trying anymore

by philapilus

This aerial shot of London at night shows how the area known colloquially as ‘Black Hole-born’ is gradually causing the collapse of the wider city around it.

It has become apparent that everyone and everything in the Holborn area of central London no longer cares in the slightest, and is getting ever closer to complete collapse.

After several weeks of calamities- including hellfire spouting from the very streets, buildings falling down, transport services giving up completely, and the fucking awful new Tottenham Court Road station – everyone has agreed that there’s no point bothering anymore.

TFL spokesman, Percy Spoke, said “The whole of the city is gradually crumbling, and we aren’t even trying to provide a proper service now. If you

April 9, 2015

Gatwick oil fields claimed by Scotland

by philapilus

It’s about time someone prettied up the English landscape

The SNP announced today that Scotland is officially laying claim to a newly discovered oil field near Gatwick, which is estimated to contain a potential 100bn barrels of oil.

SNP leader Nicola Sturgeon said “Whilst we are going to keep holding the referendum on independence every two weeks until we get the result we want, we are still very open to changing the terms of the divorce settlement.

“For instance, at first we

April 1, 2015

Tories say ‘votes of 100 bosses are the only ones that matter’

by philapilus

British money has not been given the vote yet

The Conservative party expressed its delight this morning, after a supposedly unsolicited letter signed by 100 business leaders backed Cameron for a second term.

Grant Shapps, party chairman, said “The rest of the electorate can fuck off now. These people are richer, cleverer and more important than all of you. With their votes, it’s in the bag.

“Fuck off Britain. Your leaders have spoken.”

Businessman Mike Ock said

February 24, 2015

Malcolm Rifkind’s diary

by philapilus

“What’s a salary?”



Sat down to breakfast, papers say Jack Straw’s got himself into hot water; seems he offered to accept cash for questions! Haha! Idiot!


Finished my egg, looked a bit more closely at article and noticed they’re accusing me too! That bloody Chink firm I spoke with; I knew something didn’t add up when the representative’s fake nose fell off. Well, if the


Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 332 other followers