Archive for ‘Business’

April 2, 2014

E-cigarettes now 100% pointless

by philapilus

Already completely shit and unsatisfying in every way, now you have to stand in the rain with the fucking thing

The sole benefit of e-cigarettes is to be potentially stripped away, under new plans to make holding a plastic tube up to your face illegal in enclosed public places.

The scheme is currently being considered for a trial run in Wales, but members of the smoking lobby say they are hopeful that the measures will be rolled out across the whole of the UK in the very near future.

Ivor Biggun, Welsh minister for all non-sheep related matters, said “Since e-cigarettes came in people have been staying inside the pub, instead of going outside for a

March 25, 2014

Selfie donation errors masterminded by polar bears

by philapilus

Contrary to popular belief, many polar bears do wear make-up, especially copious amounts of eye shadow

It was discovered this morning that the donations intended for the ‘no make-up selfie’ campaign which went erroneously to the WWF, were pilfered as part of a clever ursine scam.

Attempts to divert a sizeable portion of the funds into the WWF’s ‘adopt a polar bear’ campaign, were thwarted when Cancer Research UK administrators noticed that the people who came to collect the money were “nine feet tall and considerably more hairy than you’d expect”.

The subsequent evisceration and devouring of said clerks, and a dropped wallet with pictures of fluffy white cubs in it, enabled even the police to work out that the culprits must be polar bears in disguise.

PC McGarry No. 452, of New Scotland Yard’s Arctic Creatures division, said “This is not the first time that animals have attempted to pilfer funds.

March 20, 2014

G4S manages a whole day without fuck-ups

by philapilus

Yay us!

It was announced this morning that on Friday last week, G4S didn’t make a single mistake all day.

The company drew media attention to the anomaly in a bid to shift attention from today’s news that three of its custody employees will face manslaughter charges, over the death of deportee Jimmy Mabenga, while in transit.

G4S has continuously won awards for its utter fuckwittery*, including the coveted ‘being called completely fucking shit by almost every person on the planet’ medal.

But

March 5, 2014

Blowing smoke into your child’s open mouth ‘not good for them’, says report

by philapilus

“Who says you’ll live longer if you don’t smoke? You could get flattened by a charging elephant in Sainsbury’s tomorrow, so why not have a quick cigarette today?”

New research published in the European Heart Journal suggests that smoking cigarettes and then exhaling all over your children is not particularly good for their health, and might even be bad for them.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough School of Smoke Studies, said “What we’ve managed to prove here is that passive smoking is really quite a bad thing. It is much worse for your children than, say, giving them carrots.

“Look, I’m as aware as you are of how ridiculously obvious it is even having to write something so commonsensical down, let alone bother to test it, but you just wouldn’t believe how

February 24, 2014

Stunned Scotland discovers North Sea oil “not for cooking with”

by philapilus

Very much NOT what is coming out of the seabed

The Scottish Independence lobby has today been utterly derailed, after the population discovered that North Sea oil can’t be used in a deep fat fryer.

Alistair Darling, chair of the Better Together campaign, said “Alex Salmond was making an uncharacteristically long, pompous and truculent speech, and he said something about ‘oil to meet our energy needs’.

“At which point a reporter interrupted, saying “Hang on; are we talking about crude oil here then? Not vegetable oil?

“Salmond replied that

February 11, 2014

Fox News warns of sinister infiltration of ‘Commie Plastic’

by unpseudable

Staggeringly dangerous

Fox News has this week drawn the attention of the American public to the subtle, insidious invasion from Europe of tiny plastic figures of menacingly anti-capitalist intent.

Fox Business anchor, Charles Payne, reporting on the feature-length Lego advert, accused it of ‘indoctrination’.  “Basically, these Commie Danes seem to be telling our children that unrestrained capitalist corporations run by megalomaniac CEOs are not, by their very definition, the wondrously omnibenevolent apex of human endeavour.  This has to be stopped.  What’s more, the so-called ‘evil’ character, President Business, looks a hell of a lot like Mitt Romney.  Is that an accident?”

Media analyst Paul Degarabedian concurred, noting that “often times the head of a corporation is an easy target.  I mean, it makes you think about what poor beleaguered billionaire Tom Perkins said: the super-rich are pretty much on the verge of being taken to concentration camps. 

February 3, 2014

‘There’s definitely no property bubble in London’ say London estate agents

by philapilus

‘This lovely bijou residence combines rustic charm with proximity to a busy freight railway line, for soothing night-time ambience. A steal at £799,999.’

A consortium of London’s estate agents has rejected a report by Ernst and Young, which claimed high property prices in the capital are forming a bubble.

Rick Smarm, Property-Asset Enrichment Broker at Foxton’s, said “The London property market is literally as safe as houses.

“There is not even a slight chance that anyone should hesitate over spending £1.2m on a garage-conversion bedsit in Elephant and Castle, because you know what? Next year that cosy little space will be worth twice as much. At least.”

Dreamhouse Enabiliser, Randy Tuberculosis, added

December 31, 2013

2013 in headlines

by philapilus
English: Morgan Freeman at the Cannes film fes...

‘The greatest statesman of our era’

Once again TMB brings you a round-up of the major news stories from the last twelve months, which is our way of helping you impress everyone at the New Year’s Eve party with your amazing memory (and not at all an easy way of churning out an article without actually doing any

December 6, 2013

John Lewis continues manhunt for bauble-breaker

by philapilus

Punisher

John Lewis has hired Frank Castle, on a ‘bring her in or take her out’ contract

A spokesperson for John Lewis has announced that the corporation “will not rest”, until it finds the little girl who wrote a letter apologising for breaking a Christmas bauble.

The letter, which has been called “extremely sweet” by police graphologists, contained a heartfelt apology, and had two £1 coins selotaped to it, to recompense the store for the damage.

The retail giant alerted the media, published the letter, and indicated their intent to find the 5 year old - it was presumed, in order to thank her.

But spokesperson, Percy Spoke said

December 5, 2013

‘Spunky Cameron comes up with a pig idea’ says Sun

by philapilus
47th Munich Security Conference 2011: David Ca...

‘It’s my dream for Britain; to associate ourselves with millions of gallons of frozen pig semen’

The British press says David Cameron will receive a hero’s welcome on his return home from China, in honour of the historical deal he has brokered, to export pig spunk to the world’s second largest economy.

Cameron had predicted that his goodwill visit would promote business, international co-operation, and ‘help drum up trade with the Chinks’, but the announcement of a £45m deal on sperm surprised everyone.

“You have to hand it to Dave,” said a spokesperson for British trade, “He’s really come up with something. Let’s just hope he’s able to pull it off! Otherwise we’ll be in a sticky sit– I’m sorry, I’ll stop now.”

Rounding off his

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