Archive for ‘Business’

November 14, 2014

Fifa branching out into banking

by philapilus

You might say the goalposts have been moved. And done up quite a bit too.

After the Fifa ethics row deepened yesterday, with investigator Michael Garcia accusing judge Hans Joachim-Eckert of misrepresentation, the governing body has announced its intention to diversify into banking.

Fifa’s Strategic Analyst, Hans Onmycok, said “Allegations of corruption over the awarding of the 2018 and 2022 World cup tournaments to Russia and Qatar have shown us that it’s quite hard to get away with impropriety.

“What we need is to make our operation appear legitimate on the outside, whilst stuffed to the brim with criminal financial deals on the inside, and to

October 28, 2014

Met Office gets supercomputer to access best adult sites

by philapilus

Like a big swirly nipple

Weather forecasters have hailed the announcement of a new Met supercomputer as “An end to the drudgery of the job, and of making do with the Sunday Sport during ‘toilet’ breaks”.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau of the Slough Institute of Meteorology said  “The £97m computer will allow minute fluctuations in weather to be predicted with an extraordinary degree of pinpoint accuracy, whilst simultaneously allowing you to ogle – and indeed Google – Needy Milfs.

“Cracking stuff.”

The Met Office decided

October 17, 2014

Shops now just telling customers to f*ck off

by philapilus

‘Good f*cking riddance…’

The number of shops actively trying to get rid of customers has increased dramatically in the last three months, according to a new report by the Slough Centre for Commerce Relations.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, the report’s author, said “Just over the last few days we’ve seen a lesbian couple ejected from Sainsbury’s for kissing, a blind

October 13, 2014

Osborne offering Eurostar to Cash Converters

by philapilus

Honestly Chancellor, me old mate; £255 is a fair price, and you won’t find anyone willing to offer more on a quick turnaround…”

George Osborne has instructed the Treasury to ask Cash Converters if they would be interested in taking the Eurostar off his hands.

The Chancellor announced this morning that he wants to try and cash-in the UK’s 40% of shares in the lucrative high-speed rail-link “For a quick fistful of folding money, to get the loansharks off my back. Know what I mean?”

The government’s plan to asset-strip the public

September 30, 2014

Universal Music to place music in brand videos

by philapilus

Just one of the brands whose videos UMG and Mirriad might occasionally put music on*

In a bold new commercial strategy, the Universal Music Group has signed a deal with UK tech start-up, Mirriad, to occasionally have a little bit of music in the videos it produces for top brand names.

Randy Bumfukowizc, head of creative revenue-streaming, said “It sort of just suddenly hit us; why not slip the odd bit of a tune in here and there? Not to deflect attention from the brands; that would be stupid.

“But just to give you something to hum along to while you

September 22, 2014

Tesco makes minor accounting error of £250m

by philapilus

Turns out just moving it from the warehouse to the shop doesn’t count; you actually have to ‘sell it’ all too.

Tesco has defended its £250m profit overstatement today in a press release, pointing out that “adding and subtracting are really difficult”.

The supermarket giant said that its accounts were wrong to the tune of a quarter of a billion because it can be very hard to distinguish between revenue you have earned, and revenue you haven’t earned.

Tesco’s chief accountant, Todd Cupboard, told reporters “It’s not so much a ‘mistake’, it’s more

July 25, 2014

McDonald’s execs suspend nuggets: “They taste like demon shit”

by philapilus
http://img.21food.com/20110609/product/1305195435187.jpg

Which part of a chicken’s anatomy did you think nuggets were from, exactly?

Plucky independent restaurant McDonald’s said that it will be expanding its suspension of Chicken McNuggets from Japan and China and stopping all world sales, after senior directors tasted the food and were extremely ill.

Donald MacRonaldson, CEO of the company said “We just thought all the recent concerns had been a lot of fuss over nothing, and were sick of people mocking our food. So we tried it. My God, I have never done anything so foolish in my life.

“If I open the door a crack, could you pass some more loo-roll in please? I’ve run out again.”

Secretary Samantha Furcup said “The board

July 25, 2014

‘Oh NOW you want to get back together’ say ships

by philapilus
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/1/1e/Flickr_-_ronsaunders47_-_NO_MORE_PLEASURE_TRIPS..jpg

“I’ve moved on. Figuratively speaking that is; I mean, I’ve just been sitting here for forty years. But the answer’s still no.”

Ships, ferries and waterborne vessels of all kinds laughed scornfully today, after passengers asked if they could please rekindle their broken relationship.

After yet another devastating plane crash yesterday, this time in Mali, everybody in the world did their normal thing of screaming and running around like headless chickens, then told airplanes it was over for good, and moments later rang up ships, sobbing and begging to be taken back.

Felicity Fergusson, a ferry who used to take people to the continent, before she and others like her were cruelly dumped, said “I thought our love was going to last forever. I mean, I worked my arse off for you. And along come planes, batting their big eyelashes, plumping up their big engines, and you ran away like I was

July 7, 2014

Pink Floyd to release new unprecedented bank balance

by philapilus
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/6/6c/Battersea_Power_Station_pig_1.jpg/320px-Battersea_Power_Station_pig_1.jpg

The flying pig, stuffed with cash, counted as ‘offshore’ on the tax returns

Pink Floyd will break their 20-year album hiatus, with the release of new album, The Endless River later this year, which the band promises will be “our most thought-provokingly money-making album yet”.

Lead guitarist, David Gilmour, said today “Consisting entirely of new, never before released material, which we recorded two decades ago but deemed not good enough to release, this album will bring together all the original members of the band.

“Except the two that have died, and the arsehole who left after that massive hissy-fit.”

Drummer Nick Mason

May 12, 2014

Cameron vows action, as billionaires exceed places on rich list

by philapilus
Piss off with your pocket change

Piss off with your pocket change

The Prime Minister has this morning cancelled all his meetings, taken the phone off the hook, and set up an emergency committee to deal with the drastic shortage of spots on the Sunday Times rich list.

At a press conference yesterday afternoon, David Cameron said “It’s bad. It’s really bad. The worst has happened. We now have so many billionaires that inevitably some of them won‘t be mentioned on this year’s list.

“I know how much the nation needs this list. I know none of you can be truly happy unless you know

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