Archive for ‘Business’

September 30, 2014

Universal Music to place music in brand videos

by philapilus

Just one of the brands whose videos UMG and Mirriad might occasionally put music on*

In a bold new commercial strategy, the Universal Music Group has signed a deal with UK tech start-up, Mirriad, to occasionally have a little bit of music in the videos it produces for top brand names.

Randy Bumfukowizc, head of creative revenue-streaming, said “It sort of just suddenly hit us; why not slip the odd bit of a tune in here and there? Not to deflect attention from the brands; that would be stupid.

“But just to give you something to hum along to while you

September 22, 2014

Tesco makes minor accounting error of £250m

by philapilus

Turns out just moving it from the warehouse to the shop doesn’t count; you actually have to ‘sell it’ all too.

Tesco has defended its £250m profit overstatement today in a press release, pointing out that “adding and subtracting are really difficult”.

The supermarket giant said that its accounts were wrong to the tune of a quarter of a billion because it can be very hard to distinguish between revenue you have earned, and revenue you haven’t earned.

Tesco’s chief accountant, Todd Cupboard, told reporters “It’s not so much a ‘mistake’, it’s more

July 25, 2014

McDonald’s execs suspend nuggets: “They taste like demon shit”

by philapilus
http://img.21food.com/20110609/product/1305195435187.jpg

Which part of a chicken’s anatomy did you think nuggets were from, exactly?

Plucky independent restaurant McDonald’s said that it will be expanding its suspension of Chicken McNuggets from Japan and China and stopping all world sales, after senior directors tasted the food and were extremely ill.

Donald MacRonaldson, CEO of the company said “We just thought all the recent concerns had been a lot of fuss over nothing, and were sick of people mocking our food. So we tried it. My God, I have never done anything so foolish in my life.

“If I open the door a crack, could you pass some more loo-roll in please? I’ve run out again.”

Secretary Samantha Furcup said “The board

July 25, 2014

‘Oh NOW you want to get back together’ say ships

by philapilus
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/1/1e/Flickr_-_ronsaunders47_-_NO_MORE_PLEASURE_TRIPS..jpg

“I’ve moved on. Figuratively speaking that is; I mean, I’ve just been sitting here for forty years. But the answer’s still no.”

Ships, ferries and waterborne vessels of all kinds laughed scornfully today, after passengers asked if they could please rekindle their broken relationship.

After yet another devastating plane crash yesterday, this time in Mali, everybody in the world did their normal thing of screaming and running around like headless chickens, then told airplanes it was over for good, and moments later rang up ships, sobbing and begging to be taken back.

Felicity Fergusson, a ferry who used to take people to the continent, before she and others like her were cruelly dumped, said “I thought our love was going to last forever. I mean, I worked my arse off for you. And along come planes, batting their big eyelashes, plumping up their big engines, and you ran away like I was

July 7, 2014

Pink Floyd to release new unprecedented bank balance

by philapilus
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/6/6c/Battersea_Power_Station_pig_1.jpg/320px-Battersea_Power_Station_pig_1.jpg

The flying pig, stuffed with cash, counted as ‘offshore’ on the tax returns

Pink Floyd will break their 20-year album hiatus, with the release of new album, The Endless River later this year, which the band promises will be “our most thought-provokingly money-making album yet”.

Lead guitarist, David Gilmour, said today “Consisting entirely of new, never before released material, which we recorded two decades ago but deemed not good enough to release, this album will bring together all the original members of the band.

“Except the two that have died, and the arsehole who left after that massive hissy-fit.”

Drummer Nick Mason

May 12, 2014

Cameron vows action, as billionaires exceed places on rich list

by philapilus
Piss off with your pocket change

Piss off with your pocket change

The Prime Minister has this morning cancelled all his meetings, taken the phone off the hook, and set up an emergency committee to deal with the drastic shortage of spots on the Sunday Times rich list.

At a press conference yesterday afternoon, David Cameron said “It’s bad. It’s really bad. The worst has happened. We now have so many billionaires that inevitably some of them won‘t be mentioned on this year’s list.

“I know how much the nation needs this list. I know none of you can be truly happy unless you know

May 8, 2014

London cab drivers to do exactly the same as usual, in Uber protest

by philapilus
For the discriminating passenger who likes a bit of, well, discrimination

For the discriminating passenger who likes a bit of, well, discrimination

London’s black-cab drivers have threatened to continue to do what they always have, and bring the city centre into gridlocked chaos, to protest against the taxi company Uber.

Tim Twanks, head of the Licensed Taxi Drivers Association, said “In early June,  in order to show our deep resentment of TFL’s failure to curb Uber, we will make a concerted effort to be as slow and obstructive as we possibly can. And to drive our cabs slowly and obstructively as well. Very much like we do on a daily basis anyway.

“But this time we’ll mean it.”

Uber, an American multinational that has been favourably described as “probably not, on balance, more unpleasant than any other large faceless corporation”, says that

April 2, 2014

E-cigarettes now 100% pointless

by philapilus

Already completely shit and unsatisfying in every way, now you have to stand in the rain with the fucking thing

The sole benefit of e-cigarettes is to be potentially stripped away, under new plans to make holding a plastic tube up to your face illegal in enclosed public places.

The scheme is currently being considered for a trial run in Wales, but members of the smoking lobby say they are hopeful that the measures will be rolled out across the whole of the UK in the very near future.

Ivor Biggun, Welsh minister for all non-sheep related matters, said “Since e-cigarettes came in people have been staying inside the pub, instead of going outside for a

March 25, 2014

Selfie donation errors masterminded by polar bears

by philapilus

Contrary to popular belief, many polar bears do wear make-up, especially copious amounts of eye shadow

It was discovered this morning that the donations intended for the ‘no make-up selfie’ campaign which went erroneously to the WWF, were pilfered as part of a clever ursine scam.

Attempts to divert a sizeable portion of the funds into the WWF’s ‘adopt a polar bear’ campaign, were thwarted when Cancer Research UK administrators noticed that the people who came to collect the money were “nine feet tall and considerably more hairy than you’d expect”.

The subsequent evisceration and devouring of said clerks, and a dropped wallet with pictures of fluffy white cubs in it, enabled even the police to work out that the culprits must be polar bears in disguise.

PC McGarry No. 452, of New Scotland Yard’s Arctic Creatures division, said “This is not the first time that animals have attempted to pilfer funds.

March 20, 2014

G4S manages a whole day without fuck-ups

by philapilus

Yay us!

It was announced this morning that on Friday last week, G4S didn’t make a single mistake all day.

The company drew media attention to the anomaly in a bid to shift attention from today’s news that three of its custody employees will face manslaughter charges, over the death of deportee Jimmy Mabenga, while in transit.

G4S has continuously won awards for its utter fuckwittery*, including the coveted ‘being called completely fucking shit by almost every person on the planet’ medal.

But

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