Archive for ‘Business’

April 24, 2015

Thousands take to streets, begging HSBC not to leave UK

by philapilus

“Maybe tomorrow we’ll wanna settle down; until tomorrow we’ll just keep movin’ on”

The country has been flooded with grief today, after the announcement by beloved bank HSBC that it was looking into relocating away from the UK.

The mass outpouring of sadness resulted in demonstrations across the capital, with members of the public donning sackcloth and ashes, and flagellating themselves, as they wept and pleaded with the bank to stay.

Mourner Tim Twanks sobbed “I’ve been

April 24, 2015

Holborn area of Central London not even trying anymore

by philapilus

This aerial shot of London at night shows how the area known colloquially as ‘Black Hole-born’ is gradually causing the collapse of the wider city around it.

It has become apparent that everyone and everything in the Holborn area of central London no longer cares in the slightest, and is getting ever closer to complete collapse.

After several weeks of calamities- including hellfire spouting from the very streets, buildings falling down, transport services giving up completely, and the fucking awful new Tottenham Court Road station – everyone has agreed that there’s no point bothering anymore.

TFL spokesman, Percy Spoke, said “The whole of the city is gradually crumbling, and we aren’t even trying to provide a proper service now. If you

April 9, 2015

Gatwick oil fields claimed by Scotland

by philapilus

It’s about time someone prettied up the English landscape

The SNP announced today that Scotland is officially laying claim to a newly discovered oil field near Gatwick, which is estimated to contain a potential 100bn barrels of oil.

SNP leader Nicola Sturgeon said “Whilst we are going to keep holding the referendum on independence every two weeks until we get the result we want, we are still very open to changing the terms of the divorce settlement.

“For instance, at first we

April 1, 2015

Tories say ‘votes of 100 bosses are the only ones that matter’

by philapilus

British money has not been given the vote yet

The Conservative party expressed its delight this morning, after a supposedly unsolicited letter signed by 100 business leaders backed Cameron for a second term.

Grant Shapps, party chairman, said “The rest of the electorate can fuck off now. These people are richer, cleverer and more important than all of you. With their votes, it’s in the bag.

“Fuck off Britain. Your leaders have spoken.”

Businessman Mike Ock said

February 24, 2015

Malcolm Rifkind’s diary

by philapilus

“What’s a salary?”

23/2/2015

9:15

Sat down to breakfast, papers say Jack Straw’s got himself into hot water; seems he offered to accept cash for questions! Haha! Idiot!

9:30

Finished my egg, looked a bit more closely at article and noticed they’re accusing me too! That bloody Chink firm I spoke with; I knew something didn’t add up when the representative’s fake nose fell off. Well, if the

February 10, 2015

Cameron pledges UK-wide pay rise will exclude entire public sector

by philapilus

“No.”

David Cameron is today calling on the British Chamber of Commerce to give staff a pay rise, whilst promising public sector workers will continue to live in penury “because it makes me chuckle.”

The Prime Minister is using the BCC annual conference as a platform to unveil a new policy-drive, which aims to ensure that prosperity will not be passed on to state employees, in case they start to get ideas.

Mr Cameron said “Britain is working hard, and deserves to be rewarded. But that’s just a suggestion – do whatever

February 6, 2015

Publishers hoping To Kill a Mockingbird sequel will feature wizards and vampires

by philapilus
File:Atticus and Tom Robinson in court.gif

“Maybe Atticus Finch has given up the unprofitable underdog lawsuits, and now runs a Secret Service school for turning delinquent kids into superspies? And his best friend is a giant robot.”

Publishers waiting to get their hands on Harper Lee’s manuscript Go Set A Watchman, said today they are hoping it will be very much in keeping with the current zeitgeist, with a plot that brings together wizards, angry dwarves, and a love triangle between a werewolf, a vampire and a zombie.

According to a spokesman for HarperCollins; “The sequel, which was actually written at the same time as To Kill A Mockingbird, will ideally continue the story of the impetuous Jean Louise ‘Scout’ Finch, and follow her enrolling in Pigverrucas School of Wizardry, battling other children as part of a

February 3, 2015

Boots’ boss: “Miliband doesn’t understand the importance of my not paying taxes”

by philapilus

“If only Miliband could understand economics” said Lord Rose, who competently oversaw a 30% drop in shares at M&S, before becoming a lord.

The CEO of Boots, Stefano Pessina, has launched a telling attack on the Labour party, claiming that they “simply do not understand why it is vital to the UK economy that I live in Monaco, rather than the UK where I would have to pay lots of tax.”

Pessina joined other business leaders in lambasting Labour’s “lack of awareness of how capitalism works” citing the party’s “indulgent and unrealistic desire to see shitmunchers being able to afford both commuting costs and heating bills”.

The former boss of

January 29, 2015

Tesco apologises for ‘kill the poor’ strategy

by philapilus

“Now with no added strychnine”

Tesco has apologised to customers, after it was discovered that the supermarket giant was attempting to whittle down the working class by lacing its own-brand range with poison.

The facts surfaced after the company’s own-brand blackcurrant and apple squash was reported by consumers to have “a smell like the overflowing latrines of hell itself.”

Spokesperson Percy Spoke said “We would like to formally apologise that the poison in our range for the poor was discovered. We were

January 26, 2015

Greece presents Brussels and Berlin with large wooden horse

by philapilus

Now considered luxurious living space, compared with the ruin the rest of the country is in

Greece’s creditors were said to be “surprised but delighted” this morning, after the new anti-austerity coalition led by Alexis Tsipras sent them a really beautiful, big wooden horse.

Hans Onmycok, a spokesperson for the European Central Bank, said “Ja, ve are being very worried about zer new coalition, but zen zey sent zis pretty big horse! It has a note saying ‘Don’t Open Yet!’, und we are vaiting for zem to tell us when ve can be opening it. I am sure it has lots of lovely bailout repayments, inside, naturlich.”

The far-left Syriza party has joined forces with the

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