Archive for ‘Banking’

August 12, 2014

Scots to keep pound but not spend it

by philapilus

Youse cannae ha’it bak, yon thievin’ tyrant that ye are!

A recent survey has found that over 90% of Scots agree with Alex Salmond that Scotland should keep the pound, as well as all the smaller denomination coinage and banknotes, in “A tightly clenched fist or easy to hide purse.”

The poll adds to the already substantial evidence that Scotland has no intention of handing over any of its money, for anything, and is intending to continue standing at the bar cadging drinks off everyone else whilst pretending to be broke indefinitely.

Alistair Darling, chairman of the Better Together campaign, said “Knowing that Scotland is about as likely to part

June 16, 2014

Bank of England ‘puzzled’ by how lazy you are

by philapilus

21st century ennui: even the animal kingdom can’t be arsed anymore

The Bank of England says it is puzzled about why British people spend so much of their time at work playing Freecell, making coffee, or self-abusing in the toilets.

Governor Mark Carney said “Productivity is still below pre-recession levels. Loads of you are in employment, but you appear to be doing – how can I put this? – sod all.

“Why does no one in this country believe in hard work?”

Key figures of the British Chamber of Commerce prepared a reply to Mr Carney, about how diminished demand and over-employment reduced apparent productivity levels, but then none of them could be bothered to write it down, so they

March 20, 2014

Counterfeiters hold design competition for back of new £1 forgeries

by philapilus

“I’m bored of making these, give me a new challenge”

Counterfeiters today announced that they are launching their own competition to decide what goes on the back of the new fake pound coin.

Whilst the Royal Mint will not have its new twelve-sided coin ready to enter circulation until 2017, the Association of Forgers and Counterfeiters said they already have almost 50m forged coins “Just waiting to go.”

“We really liked the idea of letting the public choose what goes on the tails side,” said master-forger, Geoffrey Howe.

“It gives

January 17, 2014

Minimum wage to increase for tiny proportion still in work

by philapilus
George Osborne has today outlined exciting plans to increase the minimum wage from £6.31 to £7, in a bold move that the treasury believes could affect as many as six – or maybe even seven – people.

The chancellor said “We have worked hard to save Britain from the apocalypse the previous government led us into, and we are now seeing  the dividends of our austerity measures, we are seeing the fruits of our labour. That’s ‘labour’, not ‘Labour’, obviously. They had nothing to do with it. Arseholes.

“But now that we have

January 15, 2014

RBS “to eat your children”

by philapilus

“Money doesn’t come into it; they do it out of the goodness of their hearts”

Labour leader Ed Miliband has suggested it might not be the best thing in the world to throw all newborn children “into the rapacious maw of RBS.”

His comments come after it was revealed that RBS’s top bankers are pushing for bonuses equal to double their salaries, and a spring barbecue in which they want to spitroast the children of the working and middle classes.

Miliband said “The government owns 80% of RBS, and it is up to the shareholders to decide how high bonuses go. Given that this bank is full of fucking idiots, maybe we shouldn’t let them

November 26, 2013

3 Minute Visions: My Scotland, by Alex Salmond

by philapilus
World cup England

“Furthermair I will pers’nally headbutt aw’ tha English till their heids burrst. Yon Bastards that ye are!”

For this edition of ‘3 Minute Vision’ — our weekly slot dedicated to reducing hard, complex issues to the cerebral equivalent of a small piece of fluffy lint with cotton-wool-like consistency — TMB has asked Alex Salmond to give a brief precis of why an independent Scotland is such a good idea:

Westminster scumbags bin doin us doon’ frae cent’ries past, so after a wee dram fir breakfast, I wrote yon white paper.

Some o ye bin sayin Scotland’s only got yon North sea oil, which is utter shite: oor thrivin’ economy’s got industry ranging frae shortbread, bagpeep recordings, an’ festive sporrans, tae rood postcards an’ tin brooches shaped like thistles; ye name it… and folks gang frae all roond the worl’ to buy oor tartan blankies.

Once we’ve o’erthrown tha

July 28, 2013

Reason for jump in economic growth revealed

by articulatedsheep

The reason for the huge spike in Britain’s economic growth in the last quarter has been revealed. 

Between April and June, the economy grew by a staggering 0.000001%. As a result, a swaggering George Osborne appeared on BBC Breakfast last week to say, “Basically, we’re the best, and Labour are shit. If we keep this level of growth up, the economy will be back to 2007 levels in 2178.” 

Ed Balls, meanwhile, has spent the last week locked naked in a cupboard, emitting huge, gulping sobs of shame and regret. 

Telegraph "must be kept in fridge for safety reasons", WH Smith insists

Telegraph “must be kept in fridge for safety reasons”, WH Smith insists

It has, however, now been revealed that the reason for the positive news on growth is the purchase in the Leeds Station branch of WH Smiths of a Twix, and a bottle of Buxton Spring Water, along with a complimentary copy of the Daily Telegraph. 

As part of the same transaction, a customer also took the opportunity of buying a large bar of Dairy Milk for £1, after being pestered to do so twice by the sales assistant. It is understood that this particular purchase tipped the economy into positive growth. 

June 10, 2013

Diary: Alex Jones

by philapilus
English:

This strangely fat and ugly face looked back at me from the mirror this morning; obviously the Jew bankers have done another face-transplant on me while I slept

9/6/2013

4:08 Britain, shit. I’m still only in Britain. Charlie-Jew-Communist is out there, getting stronger. Need to get back into the shit. Ate bottle of Pepsi. Plastic hurt my teeth. Very worrying.

4:53 Awful. Woke up, aliens were NOT under the bed. Tricky bastards must have disappeared when their mind-reading devices showed I was about to wake. Ate a Twix. Back to sleep.

5:03 woken by strange continual noise of gas being expelled from my anus. Lasted half an hour. I collected a sample in

May 16, 2013

Mervyn King: “It’s all just about the Golden Handshake now”

by philapilus
The Bank of England in Threadneedle Street, Lo...

“If you ever go down to the basement you’ll see there aren’t even any foundations. The whole building just sits on a cushion of hot air, like a hovercraft, or Cameron’s Cabinet”

Outgoing Governor of the Bank Of England, Sir Mervyn King, admitted this morning that talk of Britain’s economic recovery has been largely motivated by “the number of zeros I am going to get on the end of my cheque in June”.

King, one of the country’s most powerful figures, and whose every utterance affects the confidence of investors, said “The country’s economy is definitely growing. I know I said it was 0.5% yesterday, but it can be even higher if you like.

“Let’s call it 5% this year, rising to 9% next year. Haven’t I done well? In fact I think we’re

April 23, 2013

George Osborne’s Diary

by philapilus
George Osborne 0437bm

If I hold this in front of me, no one will see the stain

April 23rd

Got up this morning urgently needing a tinkle. Barely made it to the loo in time. Bed was dry today though, so that was a good start. Washed hands thoroughly.

What a week it’s been! Dear Margaret’s funeral of course, what a sad day for Britain and the world. Bit of a problem though, desperately needed a wee halfway through. Of course, you can’t get out when you’re in the middle of a pew!  

Had to sit there squeezing the

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