Archive for ‘Banking’

June 17, 2015

RBS to refuse customers access to their money

by philapilus

No one noticed before that this translates as ‘The bank that despises you all”

RBS said this morning that the 600,000 payments to customers that went ‘missing’ last night were not the result of a mistake. A statement by the publicly owned bank also warned that “customers can expect a lot more of this sort of thing once nice Mr Osborne lets us go private again.”

Jerry Grossekatzen, spokesman for the RBS group said “Normally I’d say some bollocks about the computer system, probably. Or elves with little nets coming and taking your money in the night. But actually we can’t be bothered to make this shit up anymore; we’ll soon be free of you grubby little oiks.

“Our CEO Ross McEwan has filled a swimming pool with your cash, and once Osborne flogs RBS, he and Fred Goodwin are going to swim in it all day. You remember

April 24, 2015

Thousands take to streets, begging HSBC not to leave UK

by philapilus

“Maybe tomorrow we’ll wanna settle down; until tomorrow we’ll just keep movin’ on”

The country has been flooded with grief today, after the announcement by beloved bank HSBC that it was looking into relocating away from the UK.

The mass outpouring of sadness resulted in demonstrations across the capital, with members of the public donning sackcloth and ashes, and flagellating themselves, as they wept and pleaded with the bank to stay.

Mourner Tim Twanks sobbed “I’ve been

November 14, 2014

Fifa branching out into banking

by philapilus

You might say the goalposts have been moved. And done up quite a bit too.

After the Fifa ethics row deepened yesterday, with investigator Michael Garcia accusing judge Hans Joachim-Eckert of misrepresentation, the governing body has announced its intention to diversify into banking.

Fifa’s Strategic Analyst, Hans Onmycok, said “Allegations of corruption over the awarding of the 2018 and 2022 World cup tournaments to Russia and Qatar have shown us that it’s quite hard to get away with impropriety.

“What we need is to make our operation appear legitimate on the outside, whilst stuffed to the brim with criminal financial deals on the inside, and to

August 12, 2014

Scots to keep pound but not spend it

by philapilus

Youse cannae ha’it bak, yon thievin’ tyrant that ye are!

A recent survey has found that over 90% of Scots agree with Alex Salmond that Scotland should keep the pound, as well as all the smaller denomination coinage and banknotes, in “A tightly clenched fist or easy to hide purse.”

The poll adds to the already substantial evidence that Scotland has no intention of handing over any of its money, for anything, and is intending to continue standing at the bar cadging drinks off everyone else whilst pretending to be broke indefinitely.

Alistair Darling, chairman of the Better Together campaign, said “Knowing that Scotland is about as likely to part

June 16, 2014

Bank of England ‘puzzled’ by how lazy you are

by philapilus

21st century ennui: even the animal kingdom can’t be arsed anymore

The Bank of England says it is puzzled about why British people spend so much of their time at work playing Freecell, making coffee, or self-abusing in the toilets.

Governor Mark Carney said “Productivity is still below pre-recession levels. Loads of you are in employment, but you appear to be doing – how can I put this? – sod all.

“Why does no one in this country believe in hard work?”

Key figures of the British Chamber of Commerce prepared a reply to Mr Carney, about how diminished demand and over-employment reduced apparent productivity levels, but then none of them could be bothered to write it down, so they

March 20, 2014

Counterfeiters hold design competition for back of new £1 forgeries

by philapilus

“I’m bored of making these, give me a new challenge”

Counterfeiters today announced that they are launching their own competition to decide what goes on the back of the new fake pound coin.

Whilst the Royal Mint will not have its new twelve-sided coin ready to enter circulation until 2017, the Association of Forgers and Counterfeiters said they already have almost 50m forged coins “Just waiting to go.”

“We really liked the idea of letting the public choose what goes on the tails side,” said master-forger, Geoffrey Howe.

“It gives

January 17, 2014

Minimum wage to increase for tiny proportion still in work

by philapilus
George Osborne has today outlined exciting plans to increase the minimum wage from £6.31 to £7, in a bold move that the treasury believes could affect as many as six – or maybe even seven – people.

The chancellor said “We have worked hard to save Britain from the apocalypse the previous government led us into, and we are now seeing  the dividends of our austerity measures, we are seeing the fruits of our labour. That’s ‘labour’, not ‘Labour’, obviously. They had nothing to do with it. Arseholes.

“But now that we have

January 15, 2014

RBS “to eat your children”

by philapilus

“Money doesn’t come into it; they do it out of the goodness of their hearts”

Labour leader Ed Miliband has suggested it might not be the best thing in the world to throw all newborn children “into the rapacious maw of RBS.”

His comments come after it was revealed that RBS’s top bankers are pushing for bonuses equal to double their salaries, and a spring barbecue in which they want to spitroast the children of the working and middle classes.

Miliband said “The government owns 80% of RBS, and it is up to the shareholders to decide how high bonuses go. Given that this bank is full of fucking idiots, maybe we shouldn’t let them

November 26, 2013

3 Minute Visions: My Scotland, by Alex Salmond

by philapilus
World cup England

“Furthermair I will pers’nally headbutt aw’ tha English till their heids burrst. Yon Bastards that ye are!”

For this edition of ‘3 Minute Vision’ — our weekly slot dedicated to reducing hard, complex issues to the cerebral equivalent of a small piece of fluffy lint with cotton-wool-like consistency — TMB has asked Alex Salmond to give a brief precis of why an independent Scotland is such a good idea:

Westminster scumbags bin doin us doon’ frae cent’ries past, so after a wee dram fir breakfast, I wrote yon white paper.

Some o ye bin sayin Scotland’s only got yon North sea oil, which is utter shite: oor thrivin’ economy’s got industry ranging frae shortbread, bagpeep recordings, an’ festive sporrans, tae rood postcards an’ tin brooches shaped like thistles; ye name it… and folks gang frae all roond the worl’ to buy oor tartan blankies.

Once we’ve o’erthrown tha

July 28, 2013

Reason for jump in economic growth revealed

by articulatedsheep

The reason for the huge spike in Britain’s economic growth in the last quarter has been revealed. 

Between April and June, the economy grew by a staggering 0.000001%. As a result, a swaggering George Osborne appeared on BBC Breakfast last week to say, “Basically, we’re the best, and Labour are shit. If we keep this level of growth up, the economy will be back to 2007 levels in 2178.” 

Ed Balls, meanwhile, has spent the last week locked naked in a cupboard, emitting huge, gulping sobs of shame and regret. 

Telegraph "must be kept in fridge for safety reasons", WH Smith insists

Telegraph “must be kept in fridge for safety reasons”, WH Smith insists

It has, however, now been revealed that the reason for the positive news on growth is the purchase in the Leeds Station branch of WH Smiths of a Twix, and a bottle of Buxton Spring Water, along with a complimentary copy of the Daily Telegraph. 

As part of the same transaction, a customer also took the opportunity of buying a large bar of Dairy Milk for £1, after being pestered to do so twice by the sales assistant. It is understood that this particular purchase tipped the economy into positive growth. 

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