Archive for ‘Arts’

August 5, 2014

Bat symbol seen in London skies

by philapilus

Let’s just hope he didn’t have one of his notorious panic attacks and hide behind his girlfriend again…

Londoners were shocked and awed last night, after a powerful beam of light projected the Bat signal into the brooding clouds above Westminster.

The cloud symbol, which is the traditional and established method of contacting the elusive caped crusader in times of dire need, was visible from an impressive 15km away.

Wendy Nailinthehead, who has ‘DC comics 4eva’ tattooed across her chest, said “I immediately ran down to Victoria Tower Gardens to catch

May 28, 2014

All court evidence to be delivered “through the medium of song”

by philapilus
File:Kazoo.jpg

“The Defence calls for a kazoo, m’lud…”

After Rolf Harris surprised jurors in his sex abuse trial yesterday with renditions of his musical hits, the High Court has ruled that in future all evidence is to be given through song.

Judge Dreydd, Lord Chief Justice of England and Wales, said “I don’t know if Rolf’s guilty or not, but it’s the first time I’ve ever seen a jury stay awake for the whole session.

“From now on it is going to be mandatory for all witnesses and defendants to communicate solely through song – although they will be allowed to accompany themselves on wobble-board, spoons, or the kazoo.

“Anyone who

May 27, 2014

Gove axes all ‘dangerously modern or foreign’ literature

by philapilus
File:Of Mice And Men Poster.jpg

Like giving your children actual poison

In a move critics are describing as “a bit unorthodox”, Education Secretary Michael Gove has announced the eradication of all works of ‘degenerate literary art’ from school libraries.

The public burning of English-language books published after 1900, and of any book whatsoever that was originally “written in foreign”, will take place in every school across the country later this week.

Mr Gove said “Last week’s statement that we were going to do away with so-called ‘classics’ like Of Mice and Men, and To Kill a Mockingbird was actually

May 21, 2014

‘Critics are best thing ever’ say critics

by philapilus
File:Pavarotti - Sutherland 1976.jpg

Like something from a Ken Loach film

Cultural commentators of all stripes have joined together in robustly defending the gallant assault some music critics made on a young opera singer’s looks.

The Daily Telegraph’s Rupert Christiansen was amongst those who were unfairly pilloried, after pointing out that Tara Erraught’s “dumpy stature” somehow didn’t sound right.

But he and many other critics have today published a riposte, in the form of an open letter, on the subject of ‘Why critics are beyond criticism’.

They explain that

April 28, 2014

George Clooney’s marriage ‘to make everything OK’

by philapilus

“It’s OK Barry, everything will be fine from now on”

It was revealed this morning that the small remainder of the world’s problems that weren’t solved by the visit of Prince George to New Zealand and Australia, will be handily mopped up by the news that George Clooney is banging some lawyer.

All news of the crisis in Ukraine, the devastating tornadoes in America, and the escalating hostilities between North and South Korea, dried up completely, as George Clooney’s relationship healed the world like a great big sticking plaster, and a kiss on the hurty bit from your mum.

Clooney’s agent, Vic Smarm, said “After weeks of nearly everything being brilliant because a baby visited

February 21, 2014

Guardian readers exploding in advance of Nymphomaniac release

by philapilus
File:Evelyn Ankers pin-up from Yank, The Army Weekly, July 1945.jpg

The only other porn they’re allowed is ironic enjoyment of vintage memorabilia

Readers of Britain’s best newspaper for left-leaning people with special needs, have begun spontaneously combusting, mere hours before the long-awaited release of Nymphomaniac.

Both the Guardian’s staff and readership have developed an unhealthy obsession with  Lars von Trier’s new film, which has been featured in over 7500 articles since the start of the year.

Psychologist Wendy Nailinthehead explained “When you start reading the Guardian, they make you take an oath – you know, to be a good feminist, leftist, eco-nut, and so forth – and one of the things you absolutely have to promise is never ever to look at porn.

“This film has

February 12, 2014

Reboot of remake of Robocop begins shooting

by philapilus
450px-EarlyRobot

‘Another great way of reinvigorating a tired franchise is to introduce a robot butler’

As the 2014 Robocop remake nears the end of its first week in the cinema, studio sources have confirmed that principal shooting has begun for a remake of the remake.

MGM supremo, Randy Bumfukowizc, said “That old 2014 version of Robocop was a timeless classic, just like the 1987 version before it.

“But timeless classics start to look faded and tired very fast, no matter how timeless or classic, and so we have started filming a timely reboot, to bring this classic, lucrative franchise up to date. And it’s going to be just as timeless and classic as the previous ones.”

Rumours abound that in

December 31, 2013

2013 in headlines

by philapilus
English: Morgan Freeman at the Cannes film fes...

‘The greatest statesman of our era’

Once again TMB brings you a round-up of the major news stories from the last twelve months, which is our way of helping you impress everyone at the New Year’s Eve party with your amazing memory (and not at all an easy way of churning out an article without actually doing any

November 21, 2013

UK ‘City of Culture’ title only open to shitholes from now on

by philapilus
Español: Samuel Beckett

With such a plethora of UK cities qualifying as contenders, is it any wonder that Beckett spent most of his life in France?

As Hull revelled in the news that it would be the UK City of Culture in 2017, other cities previously tarred with the ‘complete shithole’ tag have stepped up their campaigns to win the coveted title.

A spokesman for Scunthorpe, who was too embarrassed to give his name, said “What’s Hull got that we haven’t? They’ve only won this on the basis that a poet had to take a library job there, because poetry pays fuck-all.

“Well Samuel Beckett once gobbed on the platform of Scunthorpe station when he was on a train passing through. We’ve made a blue plaque and everything. If that’s not culture I don’t know what is.”

Similarly Bradford is

November 4, 2013

Nazi loot: “I could do better than that” says everyone’s Grandad

by philapilus

 

Les Demoiselles d'Avignon. Oil on Canvas (244 ...

“And that’s meant to be good, is it?” Grandad said scornfully

Grandads across the country complained angrily this morning, after news broke that the haul of modern artworks discovered in a Munich apartment could be worth  a billion euros.

“A billion euros? For that stack of crap?!” said Grandpa from Hull, “Bloody Picasso. I could do a better drawing than that with my eyes shut! He hasn’t even got the nose in the right place, or the mouth. Was he some sort of spastic or something?”

In Southend, Gramps, a decorator and proud grandparent of five evil little tykes, said “That Marc Chagall was a right chancer if you ask me. Look at that horse; that’s ‘art’, is it? Bollocks. Daylight robbery. What did

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