Author Archive

April 9, 2014

‘Social experiment’ ‘proves’ ‘no one’ ‘gives a fuck’

by unpseudable

Really, why bother?

A social experiment, or ‘advert’, commissioned by the Pilion Trust has concluded without ‘doubt’ that nobody really gives a fuck about anybody.

The ‘study’ was carried out by research, or ‘advertising’, company Publicis, which had a charity worker, or ‘actor’, carry a sign reading ‘FUCK THE POOR’. A video, posted on Youtube, shows people haranguing him for what they naively thought was ‘an offensive message’.

Then, in an ironic twist, the same man is shown carrying a sign saying ‘HELP THE POOR’, shaking a collection tin. This time nobody approaches him in the whole 15 seconds shown.

March 17, 2014

We’re all going to die

by unpseudable

Well, it was nice while it lasted

It has been confirmed this week that pretty much the whole of humanity should expect horrific and violent death in the almost immediate future.

A scientific study funded by NASA has hypothesised the various ways in which civilisation will almost certainly collapse in the coming decades.  Climate change, societal instability and war – not to mention unparalleled human fuckwittery – are pinpointed as major problems likely to destroy us all.

In the report, applied mathematician Safa Motesharri concludes that, “throughout history, civilisation appears to be on a sustainable path for quite a long time, but the Elites start consuming too much, resulting in famine among the Masses.  Things go a little haywire, and Bob’s your uncle,

March 15, 2014

News Briefs: Seth Rogen fails to be controversial

by unpseudable

The most controversial thing about this man is quite how famous he is

Seth Rogen this week has revealed an uncontroversial list of people he uncontroversially smoked weed with.

Being quizzed about his uncontroversial habit on TV show, Watch What Happens Live, Rogen reeled off a list of people he may or may not have uncontroversially had a toke with.

Furthermore, he went on uncontroversially to confirm his opinion that Justin Bieber is a

February 25, 2014

News Flash: Massive meteor impact finally noticed

by unpseudable

Scientists noticed this big round thing in the sky literally years ago

Scientists have this week reported the biggest and brightest meteor impact on the moon ever recorded.

Professor Madiedo of the University of Huelva in Spain claimed that a mass of rock weighing around 400kg, and travelling in excess of 60,000 km/h slammed into the surface of the moon.  Before attempting to obscure with a subtle cough the admission that it happened the best part of half a year ago.

When pressed for further information,

February 12, 2014

UK Treasury ministers to rip off unsuspecting Americans

by unpseudable

With news emerging this week of a phone scam that used a photo of the unwitting Chief Secretary to the Treasury, Danny Alexander, new and potentially lucrative Treasury schemes have been unveiled.

Who wouldn’t trust this guy?

Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne, put out a statement to explain: “We received reports that a woman from Kentucky got a call from Jamaica, informing her that she’d won $2.5 million and a Mercedes Benz, and all she needed to do was send money to pay off the tax on the prizes.  This she duly did – simply because the caller used a photo of Danny Alexander as ID, to prove his legitimacy.  And she thought he looked trustworthy – why is anyone’s guess.  So we figured: shit, why don’t we just do that?  We could make millions!

“And if we get caught

February 11, 2014

Fox News warns of sinister infiltration of ‘Commie Plastic’

by unpseudable

Staggeringly dangerous

Fox News has this week drawn the attention of the American public to the subtle, insidious invasion from Europe of tiny plastic figures of menacingly anti-capitalist intent.

Fox Business anchor, Charles Payne, reporting on the feature-length Lego advert, accused it of ‘indoctrination’.  “Basically, these Commie Danes seem to be telling our children that unrestrained capitalist corporations run by megalomaniac CEOs are not, by their very definition, the wondrously omnibenevolent apex of human endeavour.  This has to be stopped.  What’s more, the so-called ‘evil’ character, President Business, looks a hell of a lot like Mitt Romney.  Is that an accident?”

Media analyst Paul Degarabedian concurred, noting that “often times the head of a corporation is an easy target.  I mean, it makes you think about what poor beleaguered billionaire Tom Perkins said: the super-rich are pretty much on the verge of being taken to concentration camps. 

February 6, 2014

Sochi Olympics handy dos and don’ts guide!

by unpseudable

Ahead of the Winter Olympic Games in Sochi, TMB has exclusively acquired the visitors’ guide for olympians and spectators alike on their exciting visit to Russia’s Black Sea port.

 
Sochi is definitely ready to welcome you!

On arrival in Sochi you will probably want to get straight to your hotel and have a rest, being weary after your long travels. Firstly we recommend that you confirm your hotel has been built. Don’t worry – chances are it will have been! Some may still require a few cosmetic finishing touches of course, but once the floor’s put in everything will be fine. If you are one of those lucky enough to be booked into an actual complete hotel, your Sochi adventures can begin!

You may want

February 2, 2014

Heston Blumenthal’s latest dish causes issues

by unpseudable

Served live, garnished with an aiguillette of bull’s penis

Renowned for his trademark ‘bat-shit crazy’ recipes such as snail porridge, and bacon and egg ice cream, celebrity chef Heston Blumenthal has been accused of going “a bit far” by hygiene inspectors with the introduction of his new, experimental, Norovirus soufflé in his London restaurant, Dinner.

Customers who chose the perilous dish said they experienced a unique taste sensation, shortly followed by a variety of increasingly severe stomach pains, violent vomiting and lingering diarrhoea. A source close to Blumenthal said that the gourmet found the diners’ reactions “helpful in his ongoing quest to literally confuse the shit out of the relatively well-off.  However, the fucker left me to deal with their ‘reactions’ in the toilets afterwards.”

This is not the first time

January 29, 2014

Rubbish bins to get round-the-clock police protection

by unpseudable

Highly sought-after refuse with a ‘street value’ of almost nothing

The Crown Prosecution Service this week took steps to ensure the ongoing mass wastage of food, by prosecuting three people who took a bit of rubbish from a bin.

Three men were arrested suspected of having taken some veg and cheese destined for landfill, after an audacious police operation to apprehend them.

Recounting the events of the evening, PC Bill Copper said, “We arrived on the scene just behind Iceland (the shop, not the country) at 11.57pm.  On seeing the perpetrators I said, ‘hold it right there’, and basically they did.  At that point, the adrenaline took over and I just did what I had to do: wandered over to them, said ‘you’re under arrest’ and, well, put the handcuffs on.”

The arrests were welcomed

January 23, 2014

Year old story causes panic

by unpseudable

Full of diseased rats

Quality papers, including The Sun, The Mirror and The Mail have today been alerting the British public to the anticipated arrival of a ghost ship packed with hundreds, or even thousands, of disease-riven cannibal rats.

The Lyubov Orlova was being towed from St John’s, Newfoundland, to the Dominican Republic when it was torn adrift in bad weather, just last January.  Or ‘2012’, as reported in The Mirror.  It was helpfully annotated in map form, reproduced by the Daily Mail showing the starting point to the north of Newfoundland, as close as a few hundred miles from the actual location of the port of St John’s.

After being towed into the mid-Atlantic and left to drift, it was later located about 500 miles off the coast of Ireland, last February. 

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