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January 30, 2015

Centuries-old body of Buddhist monk had ticket to see Rolling Stones

by philapilus

This etching from the 1850s shows the exact moment that Keith wrote the riff for ‘Brown Sugar’

A ticket to one of the first concerts by the Rolling Stones has been discovered amongst the artefacts belonging to a Buddhist monk, who died in the 1800s.

The very-well preserved corpse, discovered in Mongolia, has sat serenely in the Lotus position for perhaps 200 years, with all the appearance of having found peace and enlightenment at the moment of death.

Amongst his pockets archaeologists have found a big bag of weed, a score for pan-pipes music, and a ticket to see ‘Ye Rollinge Stones, in ye Hydde Park, LonDon.’

The ticket, which

January 30, 2015

WW1 soldiers ‘melodramatic pansies’ over gas attacks

by philapilus

“Well they can still bloody walk can’t they? What are they complaining about??”

The BBC has claimed that during the First World War soldiers fighting in the trenches were “A bunch of screaming pansies” when it came to poison gas.

In an article on its website celebrating the centenary of the first major gas attack, journalist Stanley Aubergine said “Basically, if you read over the evidence, these so-called ‘men’ were quaking in their boots as the green deadly vapour rolled unstoppably over the blood-soaked earth towards them.

“Our farmboys and factory workers should really have shown a bit more backbone, and not

January 29, 2015

Tesco apologises for ‘kill the poor’ strategy

by philapilus

“Now with no added strychnine”

Tesco has apologised to customers, after it was discovered that the supermarket giant was attempting to whittle down the working class by lacing its own-brand range with poison.

The facts surfaced after the company’s own-brand blackcurrant and apple squash was reported by consumers to have “a smell like the overflowing latrines of hell itself.”

Spokesperson Percy Spoke said “We would like to formally apologise that the poison in our range for the poor was discovered. We were

January 28, 2015

Michelle Obama chastised for offending bigoted misogynists

by philapilus

Apparently it’s impossible for anyone to form a rational opinion that isn’t full of either religious or anti-religious shit.

The First Lady of America, Michelle Obama, has been criticised for not wearing a headscarf whilst visiting Saudi Arabia this week.

Fans of fundamentalism, liberal apologists, and cerebrally challenged people with internet connections, have all lambasted Barack Obama’s wife, accusing her of cultural insensitivity, especially in the wake of the death of Saudi monarch, King Abdullah.

Wendy Nailinthehead, an unemployed person somewhat larger than her own doorway, tweeted “It’s

January 26, 2015

Cameron threatens to kneecap hoax-caller

by philapilus
File:David Cameron, London, Saturday, 7 January, 2012.jpg

Just look at the psychotic rage simmering beneath that tightlipped veneer of respectability…

David Cameron has said he is making it a personal priority to find the person who hoax-called him, and introduce him or her to a world of pain.

The Prime Minister tweeted this morning “Going to f*cking find that c*nt who had the f*cking nerve to hoax-call me. Think it’s f*cking funny do ya, motherf*cka? Let’s see you laugh when I’ve run over your f*cking kneecaps with a grass-roller.”

Although Number 10 insists security wasn’t breached, and that someone managing to get the Prime Minister’s number is “No biggie”, an aide to Mr Cameron has admitted that

January 26, 2015

Greece presents Brussels and Berlin with large wooden horse

by philapilus

Now considered luxurious living space, compared with the ruin the rest of the country is in

Greece’s creditors were said to be “surprised but delighted” this morning, after the new anti-austerity coalition led by Alexis Tsipras sent them a really beautiful, big wooden horse.

Hans Onmycok, a spokesperson for the European Central Bank, said “Ja, ve are being very worried about zer new coalition, but zen zey sent zis pretty big horse! It has a note saying ‘Don’t Open Yet!’, und we are vaiting for zem to tell us when ve can be opening it. I am sure it has lots of lovely bailout repayments, inside, naturlich.”

The far-left Syriza party has joined forces with the

January 23, 2015

7-party debates replaced with 93-party debates

by philapilus

Police try to hold back political party leaders as they storm the BBC studios

The breaking news that televised UK political debates may now include seven parties, has been immediately superseded by the news that in fact nineteen parties will be involved. This statement in turn has instantly been made null and void since we wrote it, by the news that twenty-six party leaders will now be debating.

The debates, scheduled to take place ahead of the general election later this year, were initially going to involve only the three main parties; Conservatives, Labour and Ukip. But after much argument between the prime minister and other leaders, the inclusion of smaller parties has now been put forward.

Political analyst Tim Twanks said “After

January 21, 2015

Obama uses State of the Union Address to remind everyone Republicans are c*nts

by philapilus

“Let me spell that for you: C-U-N-…”

President Obama has used his annual State of the Union Address to remind Americans that the collapse of his personal trajectory, from shining star to damp squib, doesn’t mean that the Republicans have in any way stopped being “A bunch of utter c*nts”.

The President said to Congress “I admit that I appear to have frittered away the goodwill of the nation, and gone from hero to zero with impressive speed. And I know that generally ‘Yes We Can’ has kind of turned into ‘Sorry, Actually It Turns Out I Can’t’.

“But I’d like everyone to remember that the alternative is a party of total assholes, whose

January 20, 2015

The Sun becomes ‘force for good’ with end of Page 3

by philapilus

Really desperate tossers could always rotate the page 90 degrees, and pretend this is a large bosom…

The Sun announced today it will be scrapping topless photos, leading everyone to agree that the paper is now basically brilliant, and on its way to becoming a commendable bastion of British journalism.

Sun reader Wendy Nailinthehead said “Before, when they showed women with their knockers out, the Sun was a filthy vessel of

January 19, 2015

Religious leaders ask Cameron to explain relevance of MPs to Britain

by philapilus

Eric arriving at a press conference on his giant black moth

Senior religious figures have written an open letter to the Prime Minister, asking “how the complete fuckwits composing the political class can possibly be seen as contributing to British identity.”

The letter follows one written to Muslim leaders by Communities Secretary, Eric Pickles, (once favourably described as ‘like the bloated turd that inevitably blocks the only toilet at a house party’). In his letter, Pickles asked Muslims to explain why rabid xenophobic Britons shouldn’t be allowed to just beat the shit out of them.

Imam Abdul Iqbal said “I thought long and hard about the ways that

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