Author Archive

April 17, 2014

My Christianity, by David Cameron

by philapilus

As Easter approaches I thought it might be appropriate to share with you some of the lessons that Christianity has taught me personally, and which help guide my decisions as Prime Minister.

Favoured significantly lowering the top rate of taxation and abolishing inheritance tax completely

Jesus was a figure of great courage and empathy. Even though he was the Son of God, he spent his life helping the poor, living amongst the working classes, and striving to improve the lot of the common man.

He whipped greedy bankers, and berated the powerful, whilst teaching us all to treat foreigners as brothers, welcoming them into our home, regardless of race or creed.

Looking back over what my coalition government has achieved, I think it would be immodest to say that I am as good as Jesus exactly, but I

April 17, 2014

Easter holidays to be frittered away

by philapilus

Experts said this morning that you are going to completely waste your Easter break, despite your good intentions.

“Ideal for self-improvement!” said no one, ever.

Plans to read mind-improving books, learn a language, play that instrument which is gathering dust in a cupboard, or even just to occasionally open the door and go outside for a minute, are all doomed to fail.

Holiday-wastage analyst, Wendy Nailinthehead, said “Your ambitious plans are ridiculous. You should give up on them.

“You aren’t going to spend

April 17, 2014

Sharks “had legs and a prehensile trunk”, new fossil reveals

by philapilus

A new fossil found in the Ozark mountains of Arkansas has debunked the myth that sharks have remained unchanged since before the time of the dinosaurs.

A fascinating new fact about sharks, it is not

The findings, published in the weekly journal Nature, reveal that “Ancient sharks had three legs, long elephant-style trunks, and were covered in thick, luminous yellow fur.

“They also had a growth on the tip of the dorsal fin, shaped exactly like a small chicken.

“We don’t yet know what the evolutionary purpose of this was.”

Sharks were previously

April 15, 2014

Cyberthieves commit suicide after reading through Mumsnet data

by philapilus

Police have confirmed that Heartbleed hackers have been killing themselves in droves, after actually reading some of the data they stole from the Mumsnet website’s sorority.

About to unleash hell on another member who thinks disposable nappies are a bad idea

A suicide note left by super-hacker, Hackassassin, said “I am a 32-stone, unemployed, X-Box addict. Dark cycnicism, and engaging in online squabbles about Game of Thrones and Titanfall have been my stock in trade, and subsequently I have suffered from nihilistic, self-loathing depression all my life.

“But it wasn’t until I read through the Mumsnet messages that I truly knew existential despair. Goodbye, cruel

April 15, 2014

Clarkson and Titchmarsh to fight to the death

by philapilus

In what promises to be the least interesting cagefight of all time, the smugly bland/blandly smug multi-platform merchandising whore and occasional gardener, Alan Titchmarsh, is to take on bloated masturbator and vroom-vroom fanatic Jeremy Clarkson.

Burying his last victim in front of cheering fans

Clarkson, who holds obnoxious opinions for money, called out the gardening fraternity for not attempting to sodomise cars up the exhaust pipe, saying “They think a hobby is something to spend time and effort on, whilst hugging plants like a big bunch of hippies.

“The only good use of your time is sitting back, switching on the TV, and watching me drive fast cars, with your hand stuck down the front of

April 14, 2014

Daily Cartoon: Mr Cameron Goes on Holiday

by philapilus

Today’s Cartoon of the Day is another delightful gem from the Grauniad’s very own Stefan Belle! Entitled ‘Mr Cameron Goes On Holiday’, Stefan has really got to the heart of what a selfish b*stard the PM is for going on vacation again!! Ooooh those Tories are evil!

April 14, 2014

Government promises golf-playing doctors will check their email

by philapilus

The government has today announced that a hundred-squillionty-million people will have 25 hour a day access to GPs, through an initiative to pay doctors overtime for checking their Blackberries.

‘Just listen to it yourself, OK? I’m busy’

David Cameron announced that “Our new GP Access Fund, which is much less gay than any of Labour’s plans, will mean that after your local surgery has shut, you’ll be able to email your doctor.

“Then, whilst he’s teeing off for the 9th hole, he’ll helpfully respond with an email carefully addressing your symptoms point by point, or tell you to just take an aspirin and

April 10, 2014

Prince George to feature in next ‘Hobbit’ film

by philapilus

Prince George is using his time in New Zealand to pursue his passion for acting it was revealed today, after the son of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge was spotted on a Peter Jackson film set.

An artist’s impression of what it might look like if the young Prince got to fight Smaug

Royal spokesperson, Sir Percy Spoke, said “The Prince is just doing a cameo really, I don’t think he will be fighting the dragon or anything. Although, come to think of it, that would make for some smashingly pertinent iconography .”

Jackson, who is currently filming inserts for the third film in his decology based on J R R Tolkien’s short children’s book, ‘the Hobbit’, said “Actually the Prince was brilliant. He was the right size and everything.

“I mean, he

April 10, 2014

Cameron’s Europe manifesto “Unlikely to mention Maria Miller”

by philapilus

David Cameron will this afternoon be launching the Conservative manifesto for the European elections, in which he will not be making constant references to the recently departed culture secretary.

“Let me make this clear: this is NOT about not talking about Maria Miller”

In the speech the Prime Minister will say “Europe” quite a lot, and will also frequently use the word “Britain”.

Whilst saying these things he will simultaneously not be saying “Maria Miller”, “Culture Secretary” or “Expenses”.

This has surprised many

April 9, 2014

Miller in shock resignation

by philapilus

David Cameron’s Cabinet was in turmoil this morning, after the completely unexpected resignation of Culture Secretary, Maria Miller.

The stairs that Maria wasn’t pushed down yesterday

Miller, whose tenure has been marked by an admirably laissez-faire approach of careful and principled inaction, had been thought of as one of the government’s key fixtures.

Her departure is as unexplained as it is sudden, and her own party colleagues were as shocked as members of the opposition.

Lord Tebbit, one of the Conservatives most thoughtful and ever-temperate

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