Author Archive

March 5, 2015

Miliband going round saying he ‘could totally have’ Cameron

by philapilus

“I could basically be in UFC”

Ed Miliband has been walking round like a puffed-up pigeon and asking girls if they want to feel his biceps, after David Cameron today ruled out taking him on in a one-on-one.

The Labour leader said “Dave is well-scared. I was all like ‘Come on then; let’s have it!’, and he was all like ‘Um…oh…I’m not free that day, um…I’ve got a note from my mum… please don’t hurt me!’

“It’s cos he knows how well hard I am. Do you want to

March 2, 2015

Prince William in China to meet new masters

by philapilus

Proudly fluttering above Windsor Castle as of right now, says the Express

The Duke of Cambridge arrived in China yesterday for a state visit in which he will be promoting British values, championing wildlife causes, and generally getting to know Britain’s future rulers.

Prince William is the first British Royal to visit the country for almost three decades, and will be the first to place a ceremonial kiss on the buttocks of President Xi Jinping.

The Prince said “Gosh I’m just sooo super-chuffed to be here, yah, it’s just rally super to

March 2, 2015

CAGE sways Mail over ‘nice guy’ Jihadi John

by philapilus
File:Seeboden Treffling Burg Sommeregg Foltermuseum Guillotine 24082007 31.jpg

The mass beheadings that characterised the French Revolution started because a palace guard gave Robespierre a wedgie, and then flicked his earlobe – FIVE TIMES

The Daily Mail said it has “changed its editorial view” of Mohammed Emwazi, the terrorist known as Jihadi John, after reviewing the press conference held last week by advocacy group, CAGE.

The Islamic State militant was the subject of a tribute by CAGE director, Asim Qureshi, who praised Emwazi’s “Beauty, gentleness, softness, lovingness, kindness, sexiness, impressive trouser-snake, skill with a blade, and come-to-bed eyes.”

Mail editor Paul Dacre said today “The editorial team have watched the recording, and we were all really moved. Especially when Qureshi started crying because of how poor Jihadi John had been forced – utterly against his own will – into beheading people because

February 26, 2015

Elderly lady falls over at Brits

by philapilus
File:Madonna à Nice 30 2.jpg

“In MY day everyone was respectable and wore ties”

There was bemusement at the Brit Awards last night, after a confused OAP wandered onto the stage during a song, and then fell down some stairs.

The woman, Ms M. Ciccone, seemed unharmed after the fall. Although members of the dance troupe then on stage tried to help her, she pushed them away, scolding “You young ‘uns don’t know you’re born! I’ve  fallen over more times than you’ve had hot dinners!”

She then fell over again, breaking an ankle, which left her squawking in pain for

February 24, 2015

Malcolm Rifkind’s diary

by philapilus

“What’s a salary?”

23/2/2015

9:15

Sat down to breakfast, papers say Jack Straw’s got himself into hot water; seems he offered to accept cash for questions! Haha! Idiot!

9:30

Finished my egg, looked a bit more closely at article and noticed they’re accusing me too! That bloody Chink firm I spoke with; I knew something didn’t add up when the representative’s fake nose fell off. Well, if the

February 24, 2015

Natalie Bennett wins private bet for longest ever “Errrrm”

by philapilus
File:Natalie Bennett.jpg

There was a worrying moment halfway through when it seemed the sound might mutate into an ‘ummmm’, but she pulled it back marvellously.

The leader of the Green Party was jubilant today, after winning a jackpot of £15.37 for using the word “Erm” continuously for almost ten minutes.

Natalie Bennett was interviewed by Nick Ferrari for LBC Radio, and when asked how the Greens would fund their promised 500,000 new homes, Bennett launched into an epic “Errrrrrrrrrrrrm…” that Ferrari was powerless to interrupt.

Bennett explained after the interview “Caroline Lucas and Amelia Womack bet me all the change they had in their pockets that I wasn’t brave enough to do it. They were

February 23, 2015

Oscars 2015: Douglas Hurd ‘Surprised but delighted’ with Best Director Gong

by philapilus

 

 

Oddie missed his night of glory, having been refused entry to the ceremony after turning up pissed in a Hawaiian shirt

Lord Douglas Hurd expressed astonishment at his “completely unexpected” Oscars win last night, for directorial debut ‘Birdman’, his fictionalised account of the life of Bill Oddie.

Unable to attend the ceremony because of onerous government duties in Westminster, Hurd’s acceptance speech was read out by avid twitcher and bearhunter, Chris Packham.

“Douglas says; ‘I never thought for a moment that the biggest film award ceremony in the world would show such interest in the life of a former Goodie, but am

February 18, 2015

Jon Snow “became burglar to support drugs habit”

by philapilus
File:Jon Snow.jpg

Snow toking on a disguised bong. Note how out of focus the drugs make him appear

Veteran newsreader Jon Snow was arrested by police this morning, after being discovered apparently  burgling the house of Sir Trevor McDonald.

Snow recently participated in a medical trial smoking skunk for a Channel 4 documentary, and subsequently graduated from the potent cannabis to crack, and then heroin, in the space of twenty minutes.

A police spokesman said “As we all know, using any form of drug whatsoever immediately leads to using all of the others, selling your body to fat truck drivers, and then robbing your

February 13, 2015

Aston Villa appoint John Major to replace Lambert

by philapilus
File:Major00.jpg

Chillaxing after scoring the winning goal in the 2014 World Cup final

Former Tory Prime Minister Sir John Major said today he was “surprised but excited”, after Aston Villa invited him to take over as their new manager.


Villa made the decision to drop current manager Paul Lambert, after going ten games without a win, losing a friendly to the Taplow Women’s Insitute team, and dropping into the premier league’s relegation zone.

Percy Spoke, spokesperson for the ailing club, said “Some people think our embarrassing string of losses should be blamed on the chaps who run around on the pitch for forty-five minutes, sit down for a bit, and then run around for another forty-five minutes. They are, after all, the ones kicking – and occasionally headbutting – the round thing.

February 10, 2015

Conservative auction offers fox-hunting, polo and peasant-throttling

by philapilus

He just opens his articulated jaw like a snake and then swallows the cow whole

A Conservative party fundraiser has helped swell the election campaign coffers, with a range of auction lots offering bidders the opportunity to spend time with senior tory figures, engaging in their everyday activities.

Party chairman Grant Shapps said “It really was a brilliant and very worthwhile event, with bidders going up against each other for the chance to chillax with some of our brightest stars.

“Whether it was fox-hunting with William Hague, strangling commoners with Theresa May, or setting fire to

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 305 other followers