Author Archive

October 22, 2014

DJ Read pens UKIP song about ‘horrors of Ebola’

by philapilus

MP Douglas Carswell said “Well, I couldn’t see the problem with Mike’s Calypso. But apparently some of the Bongobongo chaps – of whom many are my best friends and so on – didn’t take a shine to it.

“Can you still say shine?

“Anyway, this is

October 22, 2014

“And your plan is…?” Russia asks Sweden

by philapilus

‘Ah, um, ohh…yeah that’s…that’s quite…Jesus it’s a biggy…Um, you know what? Actually, you can sail anywhere you like! Who cares about stuffy old nonsense like territorial waters? Not us!’ said Sweden

As the Swedish armed forces continue to search for what they claim is a Russian submarine in the waters near Stockholm, Russia has asked Sweden exactly what it is planning to do about it anyway.

Russian Foreign Minister, Ivan Everhaditov, said “Let’s say, hypothetically, that one of our subs is in your territorial waters.

“In fact, let’s say, hypothetically, it surfaces, and the crew comes out on deck, pull down their pants and

October 21, 2014

93% of all internet trolling done by 2 people

by philapilus

Since they were arrested the internet has atrophied and entered a state of hibernation

Research by New Scotland Yard’s Internet Section has discovered that almost all online trolling and celebrity hacking is the work of just two people.

The research was carried out after Justice Secretary Chris Grayling announced new legislation to tackle those who use the internet as a means to offend, abuse others anonymously, or possibly just express opinions.

PC McGarry No 452 said “We have

October 21, 2014

Cameron: “I have something important to say about Europe, possibly”

by philapilus

“Come on, come on. Why is this taking me so long? How can it be this hard to have an idea? I know people who have had more than one in a single YEAR…”

The Prime Minister has attempted to breach the divide growing in his own party, by announcing that he might make an announcement about the UK and Europe before Christmas. Probably.

Mr Cameron assured the country and fellow Conservatives that he would “be making a very strong statement, maybe outlining some sort of brilliant strategy, probably in a speech, article, open letter, or possibly in a text to my wife Samantha.

“But the

October 20, 2014

Government to crack down on crazy hormonal mums

by philapilus

‘Don’t you think you might just be milking this whole thing a bit, to try and get some attention?’

The Treasury has said it is deeply concerned by a report which claims perinatal women suffering mental ill-health are costing the economy £8bn.

The report says that pregnant women and new mothers who are not getting adequate mental healthcare, put a strain on NHS resources, and negatively impact the economy through a loss of earnings.

The chancellor George Osborne said “This is absolutely unacceptable. We need to

October 17, 2014

Shops now just telling customers to f*ck off

by philapilus

‘Good f*cking riddance…’

The number of shops actively trying to get rid of customers has increased dramatically in the last three months, according to a new report by the Slough Centre for Commerce Relations.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, the report’s author, said “Just over the last few days we’ve seen a lesbian couple ejected from Sainsbury’s for kissing, a blind

October 16, 2014

BBC to offer tips on ‘most dangerous poker games’

by philapilus

“You should bet your house and family on Black 17″ said John Humphreys this morning on the Today programme

The BBC has announced that it will be expanding its advice to gamblers, from simple horse tips to how to locate the really full-on poker games where you can lose all your fingers.

BBC Spokesperson, Percy Spoke, said “Whilst we have always provided an admirable information service for those who fancy a ‘flutter’ on the horses, we have never really reached out to the other gambling communities.

“The

October 13, 2014

Osborne offering Eurostar to Cash Converters

by philapilus

Honestly Chancellor, me old mate; £255 is a fair price, and you won’t find anyone willing to offer more on a quick turnaround…”

George Osborne has instructed the Treasury to ask Cash Converters if they would be interested in taking the Eurostar off his hands.

The Chancellor announced this morning that he wants to try and cash-in the UK’s 40% of shares in the lucrative high-speed rail-link “For a quick fistful of folding money, to get the loansharks off my back. Know what I mean?”

The government’s plan to asset-strip the public

October 13, 2014

New Bob the Builder has tattoos and big arsecrack

by philapilus

“Can we fix it? Welllllll I dunno; not sure if I can get the parts, and I’m fully booked up till February now”

Mattel has announced a redesign of its Hit Entertainment character, Bob the Builder, causing an outcry amongst the franchise’s wide fanbase.

The new incarnation sees Bob’s physique – specifically his oversized, melon-like head and scrunched up little body – redesigned to more realistic proportions, and then covered in poor-quality tattoos.

Mattel say Bob will also sport “a deep-arse cleavage, and will

October 10, 2014

Clacton quarantined after deadly outbreak of Ukip

by philapilus

An artist’s impression of conditions inside the cordoned-off constituency

After Clacton elected Douglas Carswell as the UK Independence Party’s first MP yesterday, the Essex constituency has been put under enforced medical quarantine.

Doctor Professor Sir Mike Ock, the UK’s Chief Medical Officer, said today “The sudden outbreak of insanity which has gripped Clacton is unprecedented and extremely disturbing. We don’t know whether this is a disease, a virus, evidence of some sort of parasite – all we can say for certain is that the results are catastrophic.”

The army has

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