Author Archive

December 12, 2013

Football to end next year

by articulatedsheep

FIFA, the world football governing body, has announced that all football will end next year.

Since the rules of the game were codified in 1863, clubs and national teams around the world have vied with one another to establish which is best at football. However, with the 150th anniversary of this codification now having past and the world no nearer to establishing which team is, ultimately, the best, the decision has been made to wind the whole thing up.

December 10, 2013

Miller explains decision to stand down at 2015 election

by articulatedsheep

Andrew Miller, MP for Ellesmere Port and Neston, has explained his reasons for standing down from his seat at the 2015 General Election.

Miller: "was menaced by looming shadow of Big Ben"

Miller: “was menaced by looming shadow of Big Ben”

Mr. Miller, currently chair of the Commons Science and Technology Select Committee, has represented the Cheshire seat since 1992.

“I am actually mechanical, and am operated by a tiny man who sits in my belly, controlling my movements via a complicated system of weights and pulleys.” said the MP, explaining his decision. “As you will appreciate, keeping up this ruse for more than twenty years has been particularly wearing, and I think I deserve a bit of a rest before moving on.”

Miller, whose long-standing interest in science issues is said to derive from the need to understand and better refine his complex internal workings, is constructed from a fibre-glass shell, which covers a lightweight aluminium endoskeleton. Ancillary power is provided by a cluster of lithium batteries which need to be surreptitiously recharged via a cable located under his left arm.

December 10, 2013

Obama: “Mandela was a twat”

by articulatedsheep

US President Barack Obama has used his address to the memorial service for Nelson Mandela in Johannesburg to launch a blistering attack on the former South African President.

A turgid, four-hour memorial rally in a football stadium attended by dozens of corrupt world leaders is exactly how he'd have wanted to be sent off

A turgid, four-hour memorial rally in a football stadium attended by dozens of corrupt world leaders is exactly how he’d have wanted to be sent off

Appearing in front of a capacity crowd at the FNB Stadium, Obama started his address by saying, “I expect you want me to stand in front of you and say a load of fawning guff about Madiba, about how I was humbled in his presence, all that crap.”

“Well, no. He was a dick and I don’t mind saying so.”

Obama spent more than three hours listing Mandela’s defects, including a long, rambling anecdote relating an incident when the two men were sitting next to each other at an official dinner and Mandela stole Obama’s bread roll.

“Then, cool as you like,” Obama concluded, his voice rising to an incredulous yell, “he turns to me and says, ‘Oh look! They’ve given me two rolls, I’ve got one this side of me as well!’ And, get this, he casually picks it up and pops it into his mouth. Grade A wanker.”

October 27, 2013

Terrifying megastorm “will destroy UK”

by articulatedsheep

The Met Office has warned that the colossal superstorm about to envelop the United Kingdom is “100% likely” to annihilate humanity.

The unprecedented warning came as the Government raised the weather advisory status to its highest red, or “FUUUUUUUCK!!!” category.

October 24, 2013

Google changes slogan to drop the word “don’t”

by articulatedsheep

Google’s famous slogan and mission statement, “Don’t be evil”, which has guided the company since its inception in 1998, is to be updated in a move described by senior executives as “an inevitable response to the complex and fast-paced environment of multi-nodal digital paradigms in the transition to mid-century consumer expectations and the breakdown of traditionally-served content”.

Google Skynet is expected to launch in spring 2014

Google Skynet is expected to launch in spring 2014

The removal of the word “don’t” from the slogan means that Google will now exhort its employees simply to “Be evil”.

“It was holding us back.” admitted Google’s CEO and co-founder Larry Page. “Google has made the transition to a post-search environment, and as we spread our tendrils into every aspect of every human’s waking, and sleeping, thoughts and dreams we realised that expecting us to use our awesome power for benign goals was simply unrealistic.”

October 23, 2013

Major attacks Cameron on energy policy

by articulatedsheep

In a surprise intervention, former Prime Minister John Major has attacked the Coalition’s energy policy.

Dat crump, fam

Dat crump, fam

Major was elected to his Huntingdon seat in Parliament in 1979, before becoming Prime Minister in 1990. Following his emphatic electoral defeat in 1997 and his subsequent decision to withdraw from frontline politics, he relocated to south London’s notorious Aylesbury Estate near Peckham, where today he scrapes a living as a small time drug dealer and DJ.

“I sez to him, ‘It bait, bruv.’” Major explained to reporters. “‘Fam, round dis ends everyone know them retail electricity market is a jinels.’ But he givin’ me air, innit.”

“Is I vexed though?” Major continued with a sigh. “Iss standard, blud.”

October 23, 2013

Ruby Tandoh responsible for Grangemouth closure

by articulatedsheep

It has been revealed that Great British Bake-Off finalist Ruby Tandoh is to blame for the ending of petrochemical operations at the Grangemouth plant in Scotland.

Butter wouldn't melt

Butter wouldn’t melt

 

The shock closure, involving the loss of 800 jobs, is entirely at the hand of Tandoh, 21, who over the past ten weeks has inexplicably become a figure of immeasurable public hatred.

October 15, 2013

People who work in Dubai “would have collaborated with the Nazis”, study shows

by articulatedsheep

An exhaustive study carried out by the University of Basildon has conclusively proved that British people who voluntarily go out to Dubai to work are the same kind of people who you would naturally expect to have collaborated happily with the Nazis in the event of a German invasion of Britain in World War Two.

OTE £125,000 pa plus excellent benefits

OTE £125,000 pa plus excellent benefits

Report author Bob Carolgees said, “Imagine a totalitarian dictatorship built on slave labour, where a moneyed middle and upper class can grow rich and complacent on the backs of the ruthless exploitation of human misery. And Nazi Germany wasn’t much better. See what I did there?”

The study explored the mystifying justifications used by ex-pats in the desert hellhole, described as “Mos Eisley spaceport as reimagined by the set designers who worked on the film ‘Logan’s Run’”.

September 21, 2013

UKIP conference “chaos” after Farage and Bloom revelations

by articulatedsheep

The UK Independence Party’s annual conference has descended into acrimony following a succession of revelations about leader Nigel Farage’s behaviour as a seventeen-year old, and off-colour comments made by UKIP MEP Godfrey Bloom.

Farage is alleged to have sung Hitler Youth songs when on a night exercise with his school’s Combined Cadet Force when in sixth form. A letter, written at the time by a teacher, has emerged expressing concern about his behaviour.

I done a guff

I done a guff

“This is astonishing.” said UKIP-watcher Rick Astley. “A lot of people will be shocked not only that Farage was once seventeen, but that he was seventeen in 1981.”

“This means that when the Sex Pistols released ‘God Save the Queen’, he was thirteen years old.”

September 19, 2013

Assad “will dispose of chemical weapons”

by articulatedsheep

President Bashar al-Assad of Syria has announced his plans to dispose of his country’s arsenal of chemical weapons by releasing them over a variety of densely-populated urban areas.

Hang on a second... how can he be a baddie, if he's clean shaven and wearing a tie?

Hang on a second… how can he be a baddie, if he’s clean shaven and wearing a tie?

Speaking to reporters yesterday, a Syrian Government spokesman said, “It is the will of the international community that we safely put beyond use our chemical weapons stockpiles.”

“And what better way to put them beyond use than actually using them to exterminate our opponents? Really, it’s killing two birds with one stone. Well, when I say “one stone” what I actually mean is “deadly cloud of noxious gas””.

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