Author Archive

December 9, 2015

The TMB rundown of top festive book buys

by articulatedsheep

What better gift to give during the season of goodwill than the gift of knowledge? If you’re the kind of insufferable arsehole who gives people books for Christmas, the publishing industry (such as it is) will be happy to take large amounts of money off you – but what are the most mediocre tomes available in Waterstone’s, or sitting haphazardly on a shelf in WH Smith next to a chiller cabinet inexplicably full of copies of the Daily Telegraph?

Here’s a list.

Timecop, Harper Lee. Lee’s long-anticipated third book, rather than a continuation of the world so vividly realised in ‘To Kill a Mockingbird’ and ‘Go Set a Watchman’, is a novelisation of the 1994 Jean Claude van Damme action film Timecop. Critics are already eagerly anticipating her follow-up, a novelisation of the Steven Seagal film Under Siege 2.

Time to Die, Rodney Bewes. Is life an unremitting, bleak and meaningless charade? Would it just be better to end it all, and embrace the all-consuming, peaceful embraceĀ of death? Star of hit BBCtv series ‘The Likely Lads’ and ‘Whatever Happened to the Likely Lads’, Rodney Bewes, takes readers step-by-step through some of the most popular methods of suicide – from old standards like hanging, to more modern and ironic ways of taking your own life, like leaping from the roof of the Dignitas clinic in Zurich. The ideal gift for a stubbornly alive and wealthy but elderly relative, or a despised older sibling.

A Very Bravo Two Zero Christmas, Andy McNab. ‘I grimaced. The SA80 was a decent squaddie’s weapon – fairly tasty in a close quarters firefight – and god knows it had got me out of a few jams. But on a long distance shot like this, and without a proper sight, I was going to need a steady hand to take Father Christmas out. I squinted, squeezed the trigger, and watched with grim satisfaction as a puff of red, matching the big man’s coat, blew out of the back of Saint Nick’s head, just before he crumpled to the ground’.

The Big Book of Suppurating Wounds. One of a number of coffee table books doing the rounds this season, this compilation of 117 pin-sharp, blown-up pictures of oozing, pus-filled wounds on all parts of the human body is a must for flicking through after Christmas lunch.

Find Out What Happened When These 28 French Huguenots Fled Their Homeland Following the Revocation of the Edict of Nantes… Number 14 Will Blow Your Mind!, David S. Katz. BuzzFeed’s ill-advised foray into the world of academic history.

My Story, Bruce Forsyth. Brucie’s latest autobiography lifts the lid on his years of Strictly, his life at the BBC during the golden years of light entertainment in the 1970s, and his time as a brutal enforcer for the Richardson gang in early 1960s Soho.

Will This Do?, some twenty-three year old you’ve never heard of. Inexplicable book apparently written by a young man who regularly tops seven million views on YouTube for videos featuring him playing Fallout 4 and having rambling, disjointed conversations with his friends. Will make you despair for humanity, and confirm that you have finally left your youth behind as you realise you have no common cultural frame of reference with anyone under the age of thirty.

December 3, 2015

Christmas album releases in full

by articulatedsheep

“It’s Christmaaaas!”, to quote the deathless words of Noddy Holder.

Nothing more embodies the spirit of the season than the Christmas cash-in single – or, indeed, album. While the singles spot will be a tussle between [insert name of X-Factor winner’s insipid cover version] and Adele, the contest for number 1 album is likely to be a more open affair. Here are some of the key runners and riders.

A$$FUKKA Volume 1 (Cliff Richard): something of a musical departure for the septuagenarian crooner, this album merges Cliff’s classic style with a squelchy mix of UKG and grime.

Carole King Sings Carols from Kings (Carole King): self-explanatory.

Anton Reads The Bible (Anton du Beke): the ever-popular Strictly professional dancer reads the entire King James Bible in this unexpurgated 142-disc set.

Howls of Despair (Rodney Bewes): the former star of TV sitcoms “The Likely Lads” and “Whatever Happened to the Likely Lads” presents 115 minutes of him screaming in anguish at the futility and meaninglessness of his pitiful existence – the ideal accompaniment to Christmas lunch!

Christmas Sound Effects No. 14 (KPM): crank up the speakers and relive the quality of this fully remastered version of Britain’s top selling sound effects album of 1974. Includes the ever-popular “Snow Crunching Underfoot”, “Christmas Morning Church Bells”, “Sizzling Pigs in Blankets” and “Crackling Open Log Fire”, which if turned up loud enough will drown out the sounds of your own dysfunctional, tense and miserable Christmas Day.

Minstrel (Peter Andre): spend the Yuletide season with Peter Andre, as he entertains with this classic compilation of old-time songs from black-and-white minstrel shows. Throughout the album, he’s joined on vocals by his children, ON ACCOUNT OF HIM BEING A REALLY, REALLY GREAT DAD NO SHUT UP HE IS.

I Love You Babe (Baby) (Babe) (Amendment) (England) Regulations 2015 (Zayn Malik): this is a joke about the frequent use of parentheses in both poor quality, sleazy songs by male solo performers, and in the titles of UK statutory instruments – the fact that this needs to be explained suggests that it is both enormously obscure, and not especially amusing, for which our apologies.

Beethoven: Bagatelles Op 33, 119 and 126 (Alfred Brendel ft Jess Glynn)

Now That’s What I Call Christmas! Plainsong (Various Artists, The Monks of Santo Domingo de Silos): some all-time Christmas classic pop songs – Mariah, Wizzard, Slade and many others – translated into church Latin and rendered into Gregorian plainsong. Fantastic to accompany a Christmas Eve party.

May 4, 2015

“I once killed a man”, Cameron reminisces

by articulatedsheep

In a reflective interview to mark the final two days of the election campaign, David Cameron has reminisced about the time in the late 1980s when he cold-bloodedly murdered a stranger.

May 4, 2015

UKIP candidate: rebuttal in full

by articulatedsheep

As the election approaches, we print in full the rebuttal issued by UKIP candidate Gurdyman Thrustbucket MEP, the party’s candidate for North Wessex South, whose campaign has been dogged by allegations around his personal conduct and beliefs.

November 16, 2014

Pick-up artists — the facts

by articulatedsheep

The bizarre world of the “pick up artist”, or PUA, has currently come under the spotlight as a result of the noted PUA Julien Blanc being denied a visa to visit Australia, with similar steps being taken to prohibit his travel to the UK. But what are pick-up artists, and what are the tips and tricks they claim can be used to ensure that any man who used them will be knee-deep in ladyjuice by the end of a night out?

QAPLA'!

QAPLA’!

For a long time these tricks have been jealously guarded. PUAs make a substantial living from seminars in soulless airport hotels where desperate, lonely men pay eyewatering amounts of money for the privilege of listening to self-styled PUAs with open shirts and ridiculous hair honking about their sexual prowess. This valuable income stream would be eliminated were the whole gamut of their techniques to become public. Here, however, we are able to present a small selection of some of them.

December 12, 2013

Football to end next year

by articulatedsheep

FIFA, the world football governing body, has announced that all football will end next year.

Since the rules of the game were codified in 1863, clubs and national teams around the world have vied with one another to establish which is best at football. However, with the 150th anniversary of this codification now having past and the world no nearer to establishing which team is, ultimately, the best, the decision has been made to wind the whole thing up.

December 10, 2013

Miller explains decision to stand down at 2015 election

by articulatedsheep

Andrew Miller, MP for Ellesmere Port and Neston, has explained his reasons for standing down from his seat at the 2015 General Election.

Miller: "was menaced by looming shadow of Big Ben"

Miller: “was menaced by looming shadow of Big Ben”

Mr. Miller, currently chair of the Commons Science and Technology Select Committee, has represented the Cheshire seat since 1992.

“I am actually mechanical, and am operated by a tiny man who sits in my belly, controlling my movements via a complicated system of weights and pulleys.” said the MP, explaining his decision. “As you will appreciate, keeping up this ruse for more than twenty years has been particularly wearing, and I think I deserve a bit of a rest before moving on.”

Miller, whose long-standing interest in science issues is said to derive from the need to understand and better refine his complex internal workings, is constructed from a fibre-glass shell, which covers a lightweight aluminium endoskeleton. Ancillary power is provided by a cluster of lithium batteries which need to be surreptitiously recharged via a cable located under his left arm.

December 10, 2013

Obama: “Mandela was a twat”

by articulatedsheep

US President Barack Obama has used his address to the memorial service for Nelson Mandela in Johannesburg to launch a blistering attack on the former South African President.

A turgid, four-hour memorial rally in a football stadium attended by dozens of corrupt world leaders is exactly how he'd have wanted to be sent off

A turgid, four-hour memorial rally in a football stadium attended by dozens of corrupt world leaders is exactly how he’d have wanted to be sent off

Appearing in front of a capacity crowd at the FNB Stadium, Obama started his address by saying, “I expect you want me to stand in front of you and say a load of fawning guff about Madiba, about how I was humbled in his presence, all that crap.”

“Well, no. He was a dick and I don’t mind saying so.”

Obama spent more than three hours listing Mandela’s defects, including a long, rambling anecdote relating an incident when the two men were sitting next to each other at an official dinner and Mandela stole Obama’s bread roll.

“Then, cool as you like,” Obama concluded, his voice rising to an incredulous yell, “he turns to me and says, ‘Oh look! They’ve given me two rolls, I’ve got one this side of me as well!’ And, get this, he casually picks it up and pops it into his mouth. Grade A wanker.”

October 27, 2013

Terrifying megastorm “will destroy UK”

by articulatedsheep

The Met Office has warned that the colossal superstorm about to envelop the United Kingdom is “100% likely” to annihilate humanity.

The unprecedented warning came as the Government raised the weather advisory status to its highest red, or “FUUUUUUUCK!!!” category.

October 24, 2013

Google changes slogan to drop the word “don’t”

by articulatedsheep

Google’s famous slogan and mission statement, “Don’t be evil”, which has guided the company since its inception in 1998, is to be updated in a move described by senior executives as “an inevitable response to the complex and fast-paced environment of multi-nodal digital paradigms in the transition to mid-century consumer expectations and the breakdown of traditionally-served content”.

Google Skynet is expected to launch in spring 2014

Google Skynet is expected to launch in spring 2014

The removal of the word “don’t” from the slogan means that Google will now exhort its employees simply to “Be evil”.

“It was holding us back.” admitted Google’s CEO and co-founder Larry Page. “Google has made the transition to a post-search environment, and as we spread our tendrils into every aspect of every human’s waking, and sleeping, thoughts and dreams we realised that expecting us to use our awesome power for benign goals was simply unrealistic.”

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