In a reflective interview to mark the final two days of the election campaign, David Cameron has reminisced about the time in the late 1980s when he cold-bloodedly murdered a stranger.
As the election approaches, we print in full the rebuttal issued by UKIP candidate Gurdyman Thrustbucket MEP, the party’s candidate for North Wessex South, whose campaign has been dogged by allegations around his personal conduct and beliefs.
The bizarre world of the “pick up artist”, or PUA, has currently come under the spotlight as a result of the noted PUA Julien Blanc being denied a visa to visit Australia, with similar steps being taken to prohibit his travel to the UK. But what are pick-up artists, and what are the tips and tricks they claim can be used to ensure that any man who used them will be knee-deep in ladyjuice by the end of a night out?
For a long time these tricks have been jealously guarded. PUAs make a substantial living from seminars in soulless airport hotels where desperate, lonely men pay eyewatering amounts of money for the privilege of listening to self-styled PUAs with open shirts and ridiculous hair honking about their sexual prowess. This valuable income stream would be eliminated were the whole gamut of their techniques to become public. Here, however, we are able to present a small selection of some of them.
FIFA, the world football governing body, has announced that all football will end next year.
Since the rules of the game were codified in 1863, clubs and national teams around the world have vied with one another to establish which is best at football. However, with the 150th anniversary of this codification now having past and the world no nearer to establishing which team is, ultimately, the best, the decision has been made to wind the whole thing up.
Andrew Miller, MP for Ellesmere Port and Neston, has explained his reasons for standing down from his seat at the 2015 General Election.
Mr. Miller, currently chair of the Commons Science and Technology Select Committee, has represented the Cheshire seat since 1992.
“I am actually mechanical, and am operated by a tiny man who sits in my belly, controlling my movements via a complicated system of weights and pulleys.” said the MP, explaining his decision. “As you will appreciate, keeping up this ruse for more than twenty years has been particularly wearing, and I think I deserve a bit of a rest before moving on.”
Miller, whose long-standing interest in science issues is said to derive from the need to understand and better refine his complex internal workings, is constructed from a fibre-glass shell, which covers a lightweight aluminium endoskeleton. Ancillary power is provided by a cluster of lithium batteries which need to be surreptitiously recharged via a cable located under his left arm.
US President Barack Obama has used his address to the memorial service for Nelson Mandela in Johannesburg to launch a blistering attack on the former South African President.
Appearing in front of a capacity crowd at the FNB Stadium, Obama started his address by saying, “I expect you want me to stand in front of you and say a load of fawning guff about Madiba, about how I was humbled in his presence, all that crap.”
“Well, no. He was a dick and I don’t mind saying so.”
Obama spent more than three hours listing Mandela’s defects, including a long, rambling anecdote relating an incident when the two men were sitting next to each other at an official dinner and Mandela stole Obama’s bread roll.
“Then, cool as you like,” Obama concluded, his voice rising to an incredulous yell, “he turns to me and says, ‘Oh look! They’ve given me two rolls, I’ve got one this side of me as well!’ And, get this, he casually picks it up and pops it into his mouth. Grade A wanker.”
The Met Office has warned that the colossal superstorm about to envelop the United Kingdom is “100% likely” to annihilate humanity.
The unprecedented warning came as the Government raised the weather advisory status to its highest red, or “FUUUUUUUCK!!!” category.
In a surprise intervention, former Prime Minister John Major has attacked the Coalition’s energy policy.
Major was elected to his Huntingdon seat in Parliament in 1979, before becoming Prime Minister in 1990. Following his emphatic electoral defeat in 1997 and his subsequent decision to withdraw from frontline politics, he relocated to south London’s notorious Aylesbury Estate near Peckham, where today he scrapes a living as a small time drug dealer and DJ.
“I sez to him, ‘It bait, bruv.'” Major explained to reporters. “‘Fam, round dis ends everyone know them retail electricity market is a jinels.’ But he givin’ me air, innit.”
“Is I vexed though?” Major continued with a sigh. “Iss standard, blud.”
It has been revealed that Great British Bake-Off finalist Ruby Tandoh is to blame for the ending of petrochemical operations at the Grangemouth plant in Scotland.
The shock closure, involving the loss of 800 jobs, is entirely at the hand of Tandoh, 21, who over the past ten weeks has inexplicably become a figure of immeasurable public hatred.