Report confirms nobody likes it when you talk like a dick

by philapilus

“Say ‘chillax’ again; I dare you, I double-fucking-dare you…”

A study by the Slough Institute Of Shut the Fuck Up has confirmed that when you act and talk like a twat, it is not endearing.

Author of the report, Professor Hamish McEyebrau said “You know when you post Facebook statuses that begin or end with the word ‘methinks’? Yeah, everyone hates that.

“It’s even worse when you say it in actual conversation though. You know how people kind of wince when you make some jolly comment like ‘time for another beerski, methinks!’? Guess what; they’re not doing that because you’re so funny.”

The study was commissioned after everyone said they had just about had it up to here with each other’s twattish mannerisms, especially anyone who harps on jocularly about being an alcoholic, in the hope that people might think they’re somehow cool for drinking.

“That only works if you’re 15,” said McEyebrau. “And even then it’s pretty lame.”

McEyebrau’s team isolated scores of words, phrases and cliches, used by inanely grinning bores, which they think are ingratiating, but in fact make you want to disembowel them.

Other common phrases among the hundreds which the study recommends criminalising include:

  • ‘I’m a bit mad, I am’ (unless you actually have a mental illness)
  • ‘That’s what SHE said!’ (even if it is, in fact, what she said)
  • Quoting any line ever uttered by Jim Carrey
  • ‘While you’re down there…’ (said to someone who has momentarily bent over, to indicate – hilariously – you expect oral sex)
  • Any use, in any context whatsoever, of ‘chillax’

“It’s not that I automatically want to rip out the eyes of anyone whose seemingly innocent phrasing might jar somewhat with my own idiomatic usage,” said Professor McEyebrau, “but if you say the word ‘methinks’ in cold blood you deserve every fucking evil thing that is coming to you.”

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