Heston Blumenthal’s latest dish causes issues

by unpseudable

Served live, garnished with an aiguillette of bull’s penis

Renowned for his trademark ‘bat-shit crazy’ recipes such as snail porridge, and bacon and egg ice cream, celebrity chef Heston Blumenthal has been accused of going “a bit far” by hygiene inspectors with the introduction of his new, experimental, Norovirus soufflé in his London restaurant, Dinner.

Customers who chose the perilous dish said they experienced a unique taste sensation, shortly followed by a variety of increasingly severe stomach pains, violent vomiting and lingering diarrhoea. A source close to Blumenthal said that the gourmet found the diners’ reactions “helpful in his ongoing quest to literally confuse the shit out of the relatively well-off.  However, the fucker left me to deal with their ‘reactions’ in the toilets afterwards.”

This is not the first time Blumenthal has had a run in with hygiene inspectors. His ‘outbreak soup’, served at The Fat Duck in Bray in 2009, caused 500 illnesses.

Diners leaving his London restaurant with pained expressions, clutching their stomachs, claimed that they had experienced “the future of culinary exploration”. Which almost certainly had nothing to do with the fact that they had paid the price of a small house for the meal and were reticent to entertain the idea that it just could have been a horrible mistake.

Meanwhile, Guardian restaurant critic, Nick Dobend, lauded Blumenthal a “titan of modern cookery… a pioneer of a whole new way to approach food. This was an experience that will live with me for some time now. You couldn’t just pass me another toilet roll under the door, could you?”

Westminster health inspectors were less complimentary, suggesting that Blumenthal might avoid adding harmful viruses to his cuisine in future. And that they’d probably frown upon the inclusion of malignant bacteria as well.

According to Blumenthal’s sous chef, Sue Sheff, he has reluctantly taken the decision to close the restaurant for a short while to muse on the advice, and consider slight readjustments to the recipe. “He is a little disappointed by the mixed reception. He may even have to put his ebola paté on the backburner for the foreseeable future too.”

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