Michael Gove denied this morning that he was getting rid of Ofsted head, Baronness Morgan, for political reasons, and insisted he merely wanted to “refresh the department”.
His announcement was immediately followed by a unanimous petition from the entire Department for Education and the National Union of Teachers, asking the Prime Minister to refresh the country’s educational establishment by crushing the Education Secretary in an industrial-size compactor.
Civil service spokesperson, Percy Spoke, said “Apparently Baroness Morgan, who happens to be a Labour supporter, is not being replaced with a Tory for partisan political reasons.
“No, Michael Gove just feels that after her years of brilliantly helming Ofsted, it’s time to bring in a refreshingly new, fresh postholder, who will coincidentally be refreshingly Conservative, but who will refresh the whole institution, and provide a fresh and refreshing change to the competent and professional standards we have enjoyed under Baronness Morgan.”
Spoke went on “Whereas we feel that Michael’s entire tenure as Secretary has been characterised by complete fuckwittery, a total ignorance of even the basics of modern education, and the most stupid suggestions for ‘reform’ since Kenneth Clarke got drunk and said all female teachers had to work with their boobs out from now on.
“It would therefore be extremely refreshing if we could please have a more competent replacement, such as, for example, a tub of month-old yoghurt. We’d also like to suggest that Michael be given a fresh, refreshing appointment, in a refreshingly large hydraulically-powered compactor, and crushed until nothing is left but a small pink puddle. We would find that especially refreshing. Thanks.”
No. 10 has not yet responded to the petition, but every manufacturer of compacting equipment in the country has sent Mr Cameron a free brochure, and offered a one-off refreshing 95% discount on usual prices “Just in case”.