Archive for February, 2014

February 28, 2014

Coma patients to be used as energy source

by philapilus

It’s tempting to make a laboured DWP pun, like ‘the Department of Witless Penny-pinchers’. But it’s much easier to just say: Duncan Smith; Wanker & Prick

After a government attempt to ask coma patients to find work backfired, the Department for Work and Pensions has unveiled a new plan for increasing the productivity of the selfishly indolent sick.

The DWP had tried sending letters to coma patients, “aggressively encouraging them to stop being lazy, get up and do some bloody work”, only to realise that people in comas don’t generally read.

Iain Duncan Smith, Secretary of State for Work and Pensions said “These layabouts didn’t even read the letters. Unbelievable! But we think we’ve

February 27, 2014

New word sought to describe the hypothetical absence of rain

by philapilus

The theory states that all the water just goes somewhere else for a bit, but it is not yet known where

The Met Office has launched a competition, asking the public to come up with a word to describe a rare meteorological phenomenon, which involves water not falling from the sky.

Bernard Cheese, Chief Water Measurer, said today “We are predicting that at some point, over the next 5 months, there might be a short period, of perhaps an hour or so, when the water stops being vertical.

“We don’t yet understand the science of it, but we have learned that water, in its natural state, is sometimes only horizontal, and not absolutely everywhere.

“According to

February 27, 2014

England has had its drink spiked

by philapilus
File:Knuckle duster.jpg

“Fucking come on then, you bastard”

England has claimed that it has had its drink spiked, after a European aristocrat used the same argument to explain away a racist tirade and physical abuse.

Baroness Marie-Claire Von Alvensleben received a very small fine and a suspended six-week sentence, for racial abuse, hitting two men and obstructing a police officer.

England said “I have just realised that I had my drink spiked too. Why else would I have been a xenophobic, racist, violent twat?”

The country said that

February 26, 2014

Shock at possibility Michael Gove might do something right

by philapilus
Michael_Gove_at_Policy_Exchange_delivering_his_keynote_speech_'The_Importance_of_Teaching'There has been widespread surprise this morning, at the news that Michael Gove is thinking of doing something that isn’t a) evil or b) stupid.

The Education Secretary has said he will write to every school in England about the practise of female genital mutilation, and in a rare display of good judgement, will actually condemn the hideous practise.

Teacher and campaigner, Wendy Nailinthehead, said “Providing his brain doesn’t melt at the effort of not deliberately ruining everything for a change, Mr Gove may actually make a helpful

February 26, 2014

“What’s a ‘daily mail’?” asks Harriet Harman

by philapilus

Really? You’re REALLY actually going to take this on?

The deputy Labour leader has today asked someone to explain to her what the Daily Mail is, after it transpired she clearly doesn’t have the first clue about what Paul Dacre’s newspaper does.

The Mail had attacked Harman, for having some tenuous link, through the National Council for Civil Liberties, with the despicable Paedophile Information Exchange, a group which campaigned for ‘kiddyfiddlers’ rights’ in the 1970s.

Ms Harman said “Whatever this Daily Mail thing is, they should apologise, and put an end to what seems to be some sort of deliberate smear campaign. Such rudeness and deliberate character assassination is unheard of in the British press.”

However, given the infinite

February 26, 2014

DfT encourages cyclists to use motorways

by philapilus

If motorists and cyclists all took each other out, think how tranquil and beautiful our motorways could be…

In a somewhat unusual move, the Department for Transport has announced plans to legalise the use of bicycles on motorways, but only during peak times, and provided cyclists use the fast lane wherever possible.

The move follows an unusual incident in which police stopped a man cycling along the M25, having slavishly followed the directions of his SatNav, rather than the law, or common sense.

DfT spokesperson, Percy Spoke, said “We have traditionally prevented cyclists from entering the motorway, because of the extreme likelihood of them being hit by a lorry and smeared across several miles of

February 25, 2014

Arizona to become “1950s World” theme park

by philapilus
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/f/f8/George_Takei_Sulu_Star_Trek.JPG

“In the 1950s they’d NEVER have sunk so low as to let a Goddamn Jap pilot a spaceship”

The State of Arizona is set to become the world’s biggest tourist attraction, under ambitious plans that will see the clocks turned back to the mid-20th century.

All that is needed is for Governor Jan Brewer to sign a bill, SB 1062, into law which will allow business owners to refuse service to gay people, and the process of setting up the statewide theme park will be complete.

Randy Jerkoff, Director of the ‘1950s World’ initiative, said “Everyone loves the 1950s. China was weak, cars were brilliant, women wore dresses, young people had proper-length hair, and there wasn’t so much as a whiff of a single hippie, let alone the godawful social revolutions to come.

“Well from now on, when you come to Arizona, you

February 25, 2014

News Flash: Massive meteor impact finally noticed

by unpseudable

Scientists noticed this big round thing in the sky literally years ago

Scientists have this week reported the biggest and brightest meteor impact on the moon ever recorded.

Professor Madiedo of the University of Huelva in Spain claimed that a mass of rock weighing around 400kg, and travelling in excess of 60,000 km/h slammed into the surface of the moon.  Before attempting to obscure with a subtle cough the admission that it happened the best part of half a year ago.

When pressed for further information,

February 25, 2014

Ghosts pay tribute to worthy adversary Spengler

by philapilus
Alt_Telefon

You can try, but he won’t be answering

Tributes from the ghost community have been flooding in, after the tragic early death of parapsychologist, Egon Spengler.

The ghosbuster passed away today after longstanding health problems.

Departed spirit, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, described Spengler as “A true gentleman, a valiant foe, and one of the smartest people who ever killed me. Killed me again, I mean.”

Evil godlike-being, Gozer, said “He

February 25, 2014

PISTORIUS ON TRIAL: the series!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

by philapilus
Oscar_Pistorius,_the_first_round_of_the_400m_at_the_London_2012_Olympic_Games

Running prosthetics, or WEAPONS OF DEATH attached to a MURDERER?!?! We’ll help you decide!!!!

Do YOU like DRAMATIC NEWS made EASY TO UNDERSTAND and EXCITING????

PISTORIUS! The NAME that’s at the HEART of the ENIGMA wrapped in a CONUNDRUM that’s a DID HE/DIDN’T HE that can hold its own against ANY TRIAL of the last 100 YEARS!!!!

PISTORIUS! You’ve heard the RUMOUR, the OPINION, the GUESSES, now hear…THE TRUTH!!!!

PISTORIUS! The EVIDENCE is COMING OUT, the

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