Benedict Cumberbatch was today asked to build a large wooden boat, in which to preserve two animals from every extant British species, because of the continuing disappearance of the UK into the sea.
As a combination of rainwater, flooding, and massive waves claimed the West Country this morning, Cumberbatch confirmed he had been approached by the prime minister and the Archbishop of Canterbury.
“I told them I was no Noah, but they said ‘Benedict, there is no Russell Crowe in this country. You are the closest thing we have. Here’s a power saw and some nails. Get on with it.’
“David Attenborough is coming round later with a truckload of animals to be preserved in the Ark, but, as Britain has relatively little wildlife, it’s mostly just going to be dogs, sheep, cows, and some feral people from Essex.
“I’m taking Martin Freeman though. We may not be able to repopulate the Earth after the deluge, but we’ve really bonded over Sherlock, and there’s no one I would rather have a boating holiday with.”
Meanwhile Environment Secretary and climate change sceptic, Owen Paterson, took advantage of Britain’s complete lack of interest in the weather to reiterate the fantastic cuts being made by Defra.
These include the axing of 550 jobs amongst personnel dealing with floods.
“But luckily there’s very little of that sort of thing in Britain” he said.