Archive for January, 2014

January 31, 2014

Sun page 3 girl leads country in prayer

by philapilus

‘Surely even the Lord likes a decent set of melons? And that’s not sexist, it’s just a fact.’

Holly from Ilford bared her chest in the Sun today, whilst inviting the country to join her in a meditative prayer to Almighty God, pleading with Him to cease the constant deluge.

On Page 3, Holly’s speech bubble says, “Loving Father, we pray to you, through the patron saint of good weather, St Medard, and beg you to stop micturating so violently upon our sinful heads.

“We wondered if perhaps, in your all-seeing wisdom, you might just sort of divert the clouds over to France for

January 31, 2014

Cameron to ask Hollande for ‘tips with the ladies’

by philapilus

Cameron is relying on good old British bitter – honey in the mouth, a lead cannonball on the stomach – to get Hollande tipsy enough to share some of his ‘moves’

As David Cameron prepares to take Francois Hollande to the pub this afternoon, reports have emerged that the prime minister intends to press a tipsy Hollande for advice on how to pull.

After talks at Brize Norton about the EU, and a political tug-of-war over sovereign powers, the two men will go for a ‘cheeky pint’ at the local boozer.

Here Cameron plans to describe his marital frustrations, and ask Hollande how one goes about getting the phone numbers of hot actresses.

An aide said “Dave and Sam do

January 31, 2014

Mail asks: ‘Foxy Knoxy to be Locksy in Boxy?’

by philapilus

For the record, The Daily Mail is a brilliant paper, peopled with first-class journalists. We respect them enormously, and completely regret the utter untruths we have published in this article. Please, tell our families we loved them.

By tapping the occult phone of ‘Oleaginous Little Prick of the Year’ Paul Dacre, TMB is able to reveal messages that Dacre, editor of the Daily Mail, sent to his staff in the Seventh Circle of Hell, where they have been preparing today’s top story, details of which we can now reveal.

After an Italian court reinstated Amanda Knox’s guilty verdict yesterday, the Mail will today be leading with the title ‘Will Foxy Knoxy be Locksy in Boxy?’

Following this will be a

January 30, 2014

Jim Davidson voted celebrity ‘people most want to disappear’

by philapilus

‘It’s how we got rid of the Chuckle Brothers’

The public unanimously agreed yesterday that Jim Davidson was the celebrity who they most wanted “to fuck off and never come back”.

Davidson was announced as the ‘winner’ of Celebrity Big Brother; the nation’s official way of trying to keep someone segregated from the rest of the country, and shut up in a house for as long as possible.

Media Analyst Rick Head said

January 30, 2014

Confirmation that people who confirm demon possessions are confirmed morons

by philapilus

Many terrified Americans believe this to be clinching photographic proof of the devil’s existence

It was confirmed today that religious specialists and medical staff who confirm that children are possessed by demons, are not only incredible morons, but are also possessed by moron spirits.

The Association of Americans Who Aren’t Fuckwits warned of “mass moronacy”, after Indiana Police Captain, Billy-Bob Bucktooth, said that the only possible explanation for some children behaving strangely was ‘demon possession’.

Captain Bucktooth announced at a press conference yesterday “We’m saw them there chillun an’ they was

January 29, 2014

Rubbish bins to get round-the-clock police protection

by unpseudable

Highly sought-after refuse with a ‘street value’ of almost nothing

The Crown Prosecution Service this week took steps to ensure the ongoing mass wastage of food, by prosecuting three people who took a bit of rubbish from a bin.

Three men were arrested suspected of having taken some veg and cheese destined for landfill, after an audacious police operation to apprehend them.

Recounting the events of the evening, PC Bill Copper said, “We arrived on the scene just behind Iceland (the shop, not the country) at 11.57pm.  On seeing the perpetrators I said, ‘hold it right there’, and basically they did.  At that point, the adrenaline took over and I just did what I had to do: wandered over to them, said ‘you’re under arrest’ and, well, put the handcuffs on.”

The arrests were welcomed

January 29, 2014

Balls-baiting regresses to shouting ‘You’re a twat’ over and over

by philapilus

‘What’s so funny about a pair of balls and a stick anyway?’

Positive economic figures allowed the Tories to mount a concerted attack on Shadow-Chancellor Ed Balls yesterday, with initial homonym jokes about male testicles/his name, soon degenerating into screams of “You useless cunt, Balls!”

Questions from Conservative backbenchers began along the lines of ‘Is the opposition’s economic policy just total Balls?’, ‘Is the Shadow Chancellor getting testey?’ and even the somewhat laboured ‘Has the Shadow Chancellor run into a policy cul-de-SAC?’

But quite quickly the Tories

January 29, 2014

Pete Seeger’s death unleashes ‘perfect storm’ of Billy Bragg and banjos

by philapilus

Holy shit

The passing of elderly folk singer, Pete Seeger, has inevitably led to Billy Bragg, and to a nostalgia for banjos, according to music experts.

Seeger, one of the greatest statesmen of the folk revival and protest movement, is remembered both for his peaceful resistance to batshit-mad right-wingnuts, and his ability to play the banjo without sounding like an inbred hillbilly.

But Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough Institute of Nasal-singing, said “We are facing a Billy Bragg media-presence of pandemic proportions, and – terrifyingly – a

January 29, 2014

BBC and TMB ask: Can dogs tell time?

by philapilus

AWWWW, LOOK AT THE LITTLE DOGGIIE-WOGGIE-WOODLE!!!! BUT DOES DIDDUMS-WIDDUMS KNOW HIS FIVE-TO FROM HIS FIVE-PAST??! HIS BIG HAND FROM HIS LITTLE HAND????!!!!!!!!! FIND OUT RIGHT HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In what we hope will be the first of a series of collaborations with small but plucky sister organisation, the BBC, TMB seeks to answer the scintillatingly complex scientific question posed by a new documentary shown last night on BBC2, and now available on something called iPlayer!!!! Namely:

Q: Can dogs really

January 28, 2014

Pope relaunches himself as the ‘Ozzy Osbourne of religion’

by philapilus

Remarkably similar to the current gesture of benediction

Pope Francis has said he was ‘delighted’ with the success of a performance earlier this week, in which he flung two helpless white doves into the path of a maddened crow and seagull.

The congregation massed in St Peter’s square were visibly shocked when the Holy Father arrived at his window, thrashing out power chords on a black Gibson SG.

Moments later he hurled the birds from the window, screaming in bloodcurdling tones “Dark Master, accept this

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