Archive for December, 2013

December 31, 2013

Anus of the Annus, 2013

by philapilus

After a year in which we have been spoiled for choice with your selection of ‘Wankers of the Week’, ‘Masturbators of the Month’, and even ‘Fingerers of the Fortnight’, the votes are in, and we can proudly present the person that YOU the readers think was the most awful fuckwit of the

December 31, 2013

2013 in headlines

by philapilus
English: Morgan Freeman at the Cannes film fes...

‘The greatest statesman of our era’

Once again TMB brings you a round-up of the major news stories from the last twelve months, which is our way of helping you impress everyone at the New Year’s Eve party with your amazing memory (and not at all an easy way of churning out an article without actually doing any

December 23, 2013

Cameron: ‘If I’m like Enoch, then Vince Cable is Mussolini’

by philapilus
English: Nick Clegg and Vince Cable

Vince and Nick “or Benito and Adolf, as I like to call ‘em!” sneered Shapps

Senior tories have rounded on Vince Cable, after the Business Secretary suggested current immigration concerns are slightly reminiscent of earlier panics, such as the one which precipitated Enoch Powell’s infamous ‘Rivers of Blood’ speech.

Conservative chairman Grant Shapps said Cable was “Like an uppity house negro who’s powdered his face and thinks he can ‘strut wid’ de masser'”, while Nigel Mills, MP for Amber Valley, called Cable “a demented hellspawn, who should be hung from the gallows after such base treachery on a TV programme.”

The prime minister, who was told by the chairman that Cable had definitively called him “The dog-sodomising offspring of Thatcher and Enoch Powell” reportedly told Shapps to

December 23, 2013

Middle class Christmas dinners “not actually prepared by Heston personally”

by philapilus
English: Heston Blumenthal at Taste Of London ...

‘I’ve got piles of cash this high back at home’

Waitrose shoppers have expressed considerable disappointment this morning, on discovering that all the ridiculously expensive Heston Blumenthal Christmas foodstuffs they’ve purchased were not actually hand-made by the chef.

The news that Blumenthal merely created and lent his name to a range, which was then made by exactly the same people who make all the other stuff you normally buy, has enraged avid advert-appreciators, who thought Waitrose were offering dishes personally prepared by the chef at the Fat Duck.

“I’m furious,” said Mrs Tory Wright, mother of Crispin, Clarissa and Clarence, “I spent

December 23, 2013

Disgruntled Christmas workers planning revenge

by philapilus

 

Hypodermic syringe

“What is that terrible smell?”

People who for whatever reason do not have today off work, have expressed a profound desire to exact revenge on absent, holidaying colleagues.

Wendy Nailinthehead, office grunt for Peterborough council, said “At the Christmas party my boss told us ‘someone’ had to come in Monday. Someone turned out to be me. Every other bastard is off.

“The only thing getting me through the day is stealing personal items and petty cash from everyone’s desks. So far I have £4.71, and a bunch of shitty little toys, which I

December 20, 2013

BBC: “Choudary gives balance by representing views of ‘utter c*nts'”

by philapilus
Muslims Against Crusades  30.7.2011-563

Very much the BBC’s ‘go-to cunt’

The BBC have defended the decision to interview Anjem Choudary on the Today programme this morning, saying that “Without Choudary’s contribution, the debate would not adequately have included the views of total bastard fuckwits.”

After the sentencing of the killers of Lee Rigby yesterday, the extremist Muslim preacher was invited to discuss the slaughter, in order to remind Radio 4 listeners that some people are just utter cunts who spout worthless shite.

Presenter John Humphrys said “What you need to realise is that the BBC has a duty to be as objective as possible. That could involve playing it safe by

December 20, 2013

Santa Claus ‘replaced by drone’

by philapilus
Book illustration, pen drawing

He gets wood, then goes visiting children with his rod in his hand. What the hell is sinister about that?

A few weeks after Amazon revealed its plans to introduce delivery drones in the near future, Santa Claus has today announced that he will also cease personal deliveries – possibly as early as this Christmas.

Speaking after a photoshoot in which Ian McKellen and Patrick Stewart were pictured sitting on his knees, Father Christmas said “To be quite honest with you I think this may be my last appearance.

“I am just so sick and tired of constantly getting accused of being a raging paedo. Nowadays I can’t even let someone sit on my

December 18, 2013

Biggs will be remembered as ‘lovable cheeky rogue’, say morons

by philapilus

 

In the flesh: The nasty Kray twins, dressed to...

Like Laurel and Hardy, only with more chelsea grins and fewer pratfalls

The death of Great Train Robber, Ronnie Biggs, has reignited the debate over whether crooks from the good old days should be reclassified by historians as ‘diamond geezers’ rather than ‘criminals’.

Ronnie Biggs who participated in Britain’s most famous heist, then escaped prison and spent nearly four decades on the run, was hailed as “One of the greatest Britons of the 20th century” by the prime minister, who will be delivering the eulogy at his funeral.

A police spokesman, PC McGarry No. 452, said “Ronnie was one of that generation of classic crooks, cheeky chappies, whose mottos in life were as big-hearted and joyful as they were themselves; ‘be lucky’, ‘you’re only supposed to blow the bloody doors off’ and ‘you hold him down while I cut his eyelids off’.  Classic

December 13, 2013

British secret agent ‘never existed’

by philapilus
Shape of Walther PPK

A substitute penis for so many men through the ages, Bond never actually used the Walther PPK -mostly because he’s a make-believe character

Britain’s fans of espionage were in a state of shock today, after doctors from Nottingham and Derby proved that national hero, James Bond “is not a real person”.

A team of GPs announced today that “There’s no way that a complete alcoholic could sustain a job as a high-performing assassin and undercover operative for sixty years and counting.

“We’re sorry, but we’re pretty sure this means he isn’t real.”

The startling revelation has

December 13, 2013

EU migrants to face 100 ‘most dastardly questions’ IDS can devise

by philapilus
English: Iain Duncan Smith-Nightingale House-M...

Shown here retaking O-level Maths for the 47th time, it is believed that Duncan Smith (who lied about having studied at the University of Perugia) thinks exams are the worst fate anyone can suffer

From today all EU migrants wanting to come to the UK will have to answer 100 questions written by Iain Duncan Smith, and then allow him to spit in their mouths, before they can claim benefits.

A spokesperson for the Department of Work and Pensions said “Immigration is a huge worry for us. We’ve all been basically running around the office, waving our hands in the air and screaming constantly, for about ten months now.

“Most mornings when I’ve taken the Minister his coffee, I’ve found him sitting under his desk, gently rocking backwards and forwards, muttering ‘Bulgarians, Romanians, millions of them…millions of

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