Archive for July, 2013

July 28, 2013

Reason for jump in economic growth revealed

by articulatedsheep

The reason for the huge spike in Britain’s economic growth in the last quarter has been revealed. 

Between April and June, the economy grew by a staggering 0.000001%. As a result, a swaggering George Osborne appeared on BBC Breakfast last week to say, “Basically, we’re the best, and Labour are shit. If we keep this level of growth up, the economy will be back to 2007 levels in 2178.” 

Ed Balls, meanwhile, has spent the last week locked naked in a cupboard, emitting huge, gulping sobs of shame and regret. 

Telegraph "must be kept in fridge for safety reasons", WH Smith insists

Telegraph “must be kept in fridge for safety reasons”, WH Smith insists

It has, however, now been revealed that the reason for the positive news on growth is the purchase in the Leeds Station branch of WH Smiths of a Twix, and a bottle of Buxton Spring Water, along with a complimentary copy of the Daily Telegraph. 

As part of the same transaction, a customer also took the opportunity of buying a large bar of Dairy Milk for £1, after being pestered to do so twice by the sales assistant. It is understood that this particular purchase tipped the economy into positive growth. 

July 24, 2013

Royal baby’s name – speculation

by philapilus
Prince Harry helps promote Britain at New York...

“Yah, my money’s on ‘William Junior’; Kate’s always been in need of a little extra Willy…*SNORT SNORT*”

As the entire world ponders over what William and Kate are going to name their baby – and in the absence of any actual information - we’re spinelessly copying every other mighty news organ, and bringing you some of the meaningless speculations of people you’ve heard of. And pretending that it’s

July 23, 2013

Royal baby declines to comment on ‘immigrants go home’ campaign

by philapilus
Royal baby cam Lindo Wing London

The police stand by to begin evicting immigrants the second the baby gives the nod. Unless it’s one of those nods babies do because they can’t hold their heads up properly.

The infant son of Prince William and Princess Catherine declined to comment this morning over the announcement that several London councils are introducing measures to persuade illegal immigrants to leave the UK.

The crowd of journalists encamped outside St Mary’s hospital in Paddington clamoured for a statement from the baby, as plans for a targeted ‘Fuck Off Back Home’ advertising campaign were unveiled.

Barnet, Hounslow, Barking and Dagenham, Ealing, Brent and Redbridge will be using leaflets, posters and newspaper ads to make it perfectly clear to illegal immigrants that they are not at all welcome, and need to leave. Now.

Percy Spoke, spokesperson for

July 22, 2013

News Briefs: Humour broken, as everyone makes exact same joke

by philapilus
I hadn't met this pony before and as I put the...

It’s not funny you stupid ass.

This morning humour broke down after the whole country made the same joke simultaneously.

As news emerged that a woman had been fined for taking her horse into McDonald’s, everyone you know said “They don’t allow horses in McDonald’s? What about the burgers then? HAHAHAHAHAHA!

“HAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHA!

“HAHA!”

Humour crunched to a halt and several bits fell off, but

July 22, 2013

Resurgent Britain to re-take ex-imperial domains

by philapilus
English: Market stall, High Cross Headgear and...

New research shows that if the world was a luxury shopping mall, Britain would be the market stall outside.

With the birth of the royal baby only hours away, victory in the Ashes, Murray’s Wimbledon win, and a Brit coming first in the Tour de France for the second year running, Britain has announced that once again it is the best country in the entire world.

Prime minister David Cameron said this morning “In consultation with Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, I have decided that, basically, we are just brilliant again. Seriously, we effing rule.

“Because of this, Britain will be re-colonising all previously held lands around the globe, and the empire will be completely reinstated. Probably by about thursday teatime, because

July 22, 2013

Woman in labour to give birth

by philapilus
Newborn child, seconds after birth. The umbili...

Experts say that this is very much the sort of thing we can expect.

A woman in the early stages of labour has travelled to St Mary’s Hospital in Paddington, where it is expected she will later give birth to an infant, which will almost certainly be either a boy or a girl.

The birth will consist of an actual human person coming out of the woman, although for reasons of comfort, biology, and aerodynamics, the person will be several sizes smaller than the woman from whom it comes.

It is expected that the infant will be given a name or names, and will gradually

July 21, 2013

Ashes update

by articulatedsheep

With England seemingly on course for victory in the second Test at Lord’s, TMB takes this opportunity to run through some of the key players on either side.

It’s been commented upon that the teams are ill-matched in terms of skills and experience – with England seen as a team at the very peak of their dominance of the global game, with Australia a dismal shadow of their former selves, a side “hollowed out” by the antipodean focus on the Twenty20 game, which has led to tactical collapse for the tourists in Blighty.

But does this easy stereotype hold up under scrutiny?

July 19, 2013

Putin makes show of strength with arrest of “seditious” toddler

by philapilus
Vladimir Putin - World Economic Forum Annual M...

‘I am not a person with whom to fuck!’ the Kremlin strongman warns a kindergarten group

Russian premiere Vladimir Putin today followed up the imprisonment of political rival Alexei Navalny with another display of forthright power, when he had a small child arrested this afternoon.

Witnesses said that Putin’s official convoy stopped outside the Kremlin whilst secret servicemen detained a toddler, who appeared to have made a rude gesture at the neurotically insecure president.

A Kremlin spokesman, Ivan Neverhaditoff, said “Small boy is licking ice cream as president’s car passes. Or maybe tongue is poking out at glorious leader? We take no chances, presidential cavalcade stop, and Federal Security Service hold child still while hard-man president rain merciless judo blows upon him!

“Then

July 19, 2013

Men at barbecues “Worse than the SS”

by philapilus
Some chicken, pork and corn in the barbeque

‘Innocent meal, or an excuse to wave your cock at people?’

New research published in the Guardian, Britain’s leading paper for self-flagellants, suggests that men who cook at barbecues are on the verge of unleashing a new Shoah.

In an article published today, columnist Mike Ock explains how the grilling of meat turns men into rabid sexists and fascist rapist-murderers, because of something to do with their penises.

“Men who cook steaks over charcoal, are participating in an orgiastic indulgence of phallocentricity.” said Ock.

“Even the

July 15, 2013

Iain Duncan Smith revealed as fake

by philapilus
English: Iain Duncan Smith-London March 2010

It should have been obvious to anyone this was just a clown in a grotesque mask having a laugh

This morning David Cameron’s credibility suffered another blow, after it transpired that his Work and Pensions Secretary is not real.

Commenting on the benefits cap being unrolled today, the Prime Minister tweeted Duncan Smith’s on Twitter, only to discover that it was in fact a parody account he had tweeted.

But worse was to follow, as Cameron’s staff tried to find the DWP minister to see what was going on, and discovered that not only was he not in his office, but, technically speaking, he does not exist.

Percy Spoke, spokesperson for

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