Archive for June, 2013

June 27, 2013

Osborne “Not a commoner” say experts

by philapilus
English: McDonald's Shogun Burger with Egg

He also prefers champagne to Tesco’s budget lemonade. It’s shocking.

27/06/2013

Picture analysts say they have unearthed compelling evidence that the chancellor of the exchequer might actually be a bit posh, and not a cheeky Eastenders-type character, as was previously assumed to be the case.

George Gideon Oliver Osborne, heir apparent to the Osborne baronetcy, posted an image of himself eating a burger on Twitter, the night before his Spending Review speech.

This received a storm of frenzied acclamation, with 98% of the UK populace believing the picture showed that he’s ‘Definitely One of Us’.

But forensic photography experts have

June 27, 2013

Advertisement: Smell like 007, with new JAMES BOND fragrance!!!!!

by philapilus
English: British actor Roger Moore in Espoo, F...

You too can smell like this stale octogenarian

Are you blissfully unencumbered by a big, unwieldy, intellect?

A little short in the trouser department and anxious to compensate?

Why not try new JAMES BOND aftershave!

Yes, finally you can smell like a real hero!

Experience the

June 27, 2013

Players blame ‘Somme-like’ Wimbledon

by philapilus

 27/06/2013

German dead in a captured trench

Another ranking player drops out

Playing tennis at Wimbledon yesterday was likened to suffering the hell of First World War trench combat, after a day which saw the flower of tennis youth brutally cut down.

As some of the world’s most notable players crashed out of the tournament, there was unanimous criticism of the grass courts.

Maria Sharapova said “My three falls were due to a very nasty case of trench foot, caused by Wimbledon’s appalling conditions. Centre court is almost exactly like the Somme was a century ago.”

Steve Darcis, who

June 25, 2013

SPOT SNOWDEN!!

by philapilus
English: Image of sniper scope view. This imag...

Just hover the cursor over Snowden to ‘paint the target’, as we say in the Online Gaming community

Are you a fan of ‘WHERE’S WALDO’?

Why not try brand new online interactive game ‘SPOT SNOWDEN’!

Test your powers of observation to the limit!

We’ll give you access to round-the-clock surveillance footage from any one of the 19million CCTV cameras that we’ve hacked into, from around the globe. All you have to do is sit at your computer, scrolling through the images for hour after pleasurable hour, and see if you can spot Edward Snowden! WHAT COULD BE MORE FUN?!

Upon spotting someone you think might be Snowden, all you have to do is ring up our competition hotline on 1-800-SWIFTSTRIKE, and our operatives will

June 25, 2013

Star Weds (Episode II)

by unpseudable

Some of the Star Wars characters celebrating. Greedo started it

In the week of George Lucas’ wedding to Melody Hobson, TMB is very fortunate to have the illustrious director’s thoughts on reworking a ceremony held so fondly in the memories of so many.

 

A long time ago, if you will, in a galaxy, uh, not so far away – ahahaha – I met Maria.  Now, some people said we shouldn’t have gotten involved.  But we did.  In fact, we got married.

Now this was way back in 1969.  Of course, in those days we had none of the new technologies now available to us.  All the people attending the wedding had to be actual, genuine people.  Yes, even the minister had to actually be present.  We did come up with a huge raft of new innovations to overcome

June 25, 2013

Julia Gillard pilloried for not knitting giant middle finger

by philapilus
Koalas australia zoo

No worries, the Australian parliament will debate the pictures in tomorrow’s session, if they aren’t all full as googs.

25/06/2013

Australian prime minister Julia Gillard has been the subject of intense scorn this week, after a photoshoot in which she sat in an armchair knitting a kangaroo for the child of William and Kate.

National media attacked her cliched feminine pose and passively pro-Royal stance. But most of all Australians were furious that she was not photographed drunkenly knitting a large middle finger emblazoned with ‘Fuck you, England’.

Opposition leader Tony Abbott put down his lager, swayed disconcertingly, and said

June 24, 2013

British museum launches “gay guide” to its collections

by articulatedsheep

The British Museum has launched a guide to what it considers to be the homosexual elements in its treasure trove of ancient artefacts.

BM’s Director of Old Stuff, Augustus Optimus-Prime, said, “We were keen to explore gay themes in our collections, but given that most of our curatorial staff are poorly socialised and only dimly aware of sex as a concept, we felt we needed to pass the responsibility to an external expert.”

Gay

Gay

“We’re delighted to find as a result of this exercise that far more of what is currently on public display is gay than we had previously thought.”

June 24, 2013

Brady hunger strike “involves him eating a full roast dinner with all the trimmings for every meal”

by articulatedsheep

It has been revealed that Ian Brady’s long-running hunger strike, which has lasted since 1999, involves him eating three large plates of roast lamb every day, accompanied by substantial quantities of potatoes, carrots, stuffing and cabbage, and washed down with bottles of premier cru champagne.

Brady: "wanker"

Brady: “wanker”

The Moors Murderer, who is pretty much definitively repellent in every way imaginable, is fed through a tube for those parts of the day when he is not shovelling delicious meat into his mouth.

“It’s quite sad really,” said a nurse assigned to caring for Brady in the high security Ashworth mental hospital, where he has been incarcerated since 1966. “Invariably when you knock on the door he shouts, ‘Hang on a minute’ with his mouth full, and when he finally lets you in his mouth is smeared with gravy and there’s a reek of mint sauce in the air.”

“To this day I have no idea where he gets it from. Or how he cooks it.”

June 24, 2013

“Sassy robot butler” to feature in next series of Downton Abbey

by articulatedsheep

ITV have announced that, in a shakeup to their approach to Sunday evening snorefest Downton Abbey, a new character will be introduced in the form of Robby, a wisecracking robot whose hilarious hijinks will have audiences “rolling in the aisles”, according to commissioning editor Derek Twat.

Robby, whose presence in the new series will be entirely unexplained, will also be at the centre of a heartwarming storyline in which he will teach Maggie Smith’s Dowager Duchess of Crawley the true meaning of Christmas.

June 24, 2013

Producers of Kick-Ass 2 disavow Jim Carrey

by philapilus

24/06/2013

Jim Carrey

This is Carrey subtly pretending he can’t hear, for comedic effect. AHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHA HAHAHAHA. Ahaha. Aha. Ha.

The makers of comic book movie Kick-Ass 2 have apologised for involving Jim Carrey with their project, and announced that they can no longer, in all good conscience, support the excessive presence of the overacting, unfunny comedian in their film.

Executive producer and creator of the comic, Mark Millar, said today “You know, we got Jim involved in the movie, but that was a mistake. I don’t think I considered at the time just how unpleasant and humorless he really is. It’s all very well making a very violent film, but when you have constant and unrestrained acts of Carreyness, you start to lose sight of your own moral compass.

“There’s an obvious correlation between children watching self-obsessed pillocks making nauseatingly awful attempts to be ‘zany’, and then going out and perpetrating copycat acts of forced ‘kraziness’.

“I have come to the conclusion that

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