Pope Benedict XVI “Desperate to get some poontang, before it’s too late”

by philapilus
English: Pope Benedict XVI during general audition

“Byeeee!”

In a move that has shocked believers around the world, Pope Benedict XVI has announced that he will resign from the Holy See at the end of February. The pontiff issued a statement in Latin this morning, explaining that he is too old and too frail to meet the exhausting physical demands of the job, with its rigorous daily schedule of sitting in a chair and telling people what to do.

In his resignation statement the Holy Father said “I believe that I probably haven’t got long before I cop it, and frankly I want to do some living before it’s too late. If I’m not careful, I’m going to end up dying in my bed, like the last chap.

“Whereas actually I have decided that I want to die in somebody else’s bed, of a heart attack, in the midst of a coke-fuelled orgy, with a smile on my face the size of a freaking banana.”

As Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, the Pope spent scores of years in thought, prayer, and theological learning, all of which he now calls “A massive waste of time. I just want to say to everyone: do whatever the hell you want. Ordain women and let gays marry, I just don’t care anymore. I have spent years being as spiritual as it is possible to be, and I can tell you, I am bored out of my mind.

“Have you any idea what it’s like to live a life of celibate spiritual contemplation? My balls are the size of watermelons! I’ve got decades’ worth of unreleased spunk, and need to get some serious boning in, PDQ.”

Speculation is rife amongst the tabloid press that the Pope wants to spend more time with Rowan Williams, who has also just left his post as Archbishop of Canterbury. But a Vatican spokesman said “The house that these two religious leaders have bought together in Hawaii was just an investment opportunity, and it is my understanding that they plan to rent it out. They will not be living there together in sin. I am almost certain of that.”

The pontiff finished his statement by outlining plans to spend more time with “…friends from the old days. I want to meet up with the old Hitler-Youth crew, and re-enact some of the fun Nazi stuff. And thank Christ I don’t have to keep disavowing it anymore. Best years of my life.

“Also, about the whole ‘Infallibility of the Holy Father’ thing? Utter balls. I have coveted my neighbour’s donkey, I’ve blasphemed every time I took a dump because of my haemorrhoids, and I have been stealing out of the collection plates since I got here. I don’t need the cash or anything, it’s in a bag under my bed. It just breaks the monotony.”

Pope Benedictus XVI

“I’ll tell you one thing for sure: I am keeping this fucking chair though.”

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