Archive for February, 2013

February 28, 2013

“Sodoff ‘m not druk ‘m jus’ bit dizzizzy” says Britain

by philapilus
A Kranz (wreath) of Kölsch beer.

Research shows that Northerners believe if you can fit it on one tray, it counts as one drink.

New research indicates that previous studies of alcoholism in the UK have woefully underestimated the extent of the problem, because of a tendency amongst researchers to believe what alcoholics said to them.

The author of a new report, professor Hamish McEyebrau of the Slough Institute for Stomach-pumping, said yesterday “Previous questionaire-based  studies suggested that the population’s aggregate alcohol consumption for 2012 was four carafes of wine, a miniature gin from a hotel minibar, and seven bottles of WKD.

“But when we

February 27, 2013

Simon Piggout: Views on PMQs

by philapilus

 

Crop of Image:Hoggart LD Conf Brighton 06 2.jpg

We have no idea who this guy is though

We are proud to welcome parliamentary commentator and sketchwriter, Simon Piggout, to our mighty organ. Simon has graciously allowed us access to his notes before he writes them up into a sketch for the Grauniad.

1200: Ed Miliband has asked

February 26, 2013

Vulcan geeks campaign to name green and blue planet after a turd

by philapilus
Publicity photo of Leonard Nimoy and William S...

Vulcan has always been very proud of its status as the first planet to legalise so-called ‘supergay’ marriage, which is like conventional gay marriage, but also connotes that special, ironic quality imparted to the word ‘gay’ when it is used to mean something lamely geeky – but not in a homophobic way. These two men, for instance, are gay (which is fine) and very lame (which is also fine, and funny), and hence are massively ‘supergay’.

A small green and blue planet orbiting a star known locally as ‘the sun’ is the target of a naming-campaign championed by spotty, nervous and socially inept Vulcans.

Some 450,000 nerds voted in an online poll run by the Vulcan SETI institute, in the hope they can convince astronomers to pick their preferred name for the newly-discovered planet.

Self-confessed ‘mega-nerd’, James T Kirk

February 25, 2013

“What? I don’t HAVE to do it?! You utter bastards!” rants oldest marathon runner

by philapilus
Marathon Preparedness

He had been told this was official government-issue, and that if he didn’t wear it at all times he could be arrested.

Mr Fauja Singh, who is almost certainly the world’s oldest marathon runner, lashed out today at pranksters who for the last twelve years have convinced him he had to continually participate in the 26-mile races for the rest of his life.

The 101-year old was being congratulated on his most recent run, by a delegation of local councillors from the East London area where he lives. They praised and paid tribute to his determination, endurance and iron will.

Mr Singh replied

February 25, 2013

Berlusconi “Absolutely delighted” by feminist bosoms

by philapilus
Prime minister of Italy Silvio Berlusconi at V...

Berlusconi’s hands are pretty much always in this position.

Silvio Berlusconi has described his enormous enjoyment of a protest three women made yesterday, when they went topless and attempted to mob him as he cast his vote in Sunday’s elections.

As Berlusconi entered a polling station in Milan, three members of Ukrainian feminist group Femen bared their breasts, on which they had written ‘Enough of Silvio’ in Italian, and attempted to prevent him from voting.

Bodyguards and security personnel grabbed hold of the protestors, but Silvio intervened, shouting “Don’t crush their lovely breasts! Let me watch them bounce! Please, let me see them BOUNCE!”

He struck two

February 22, 2013

Jury in Pryce case found to be less intelligent than spam

by philapilus
This is Swampyank's copy of "The Jury&quo...

They were all dead before cars were even invented, and they’re still a better choice.

The jury in the case of Vicky Pryce, ex-wife of former cabinet minister Chris Huhne, has been dismissed after the judge discovered that they had spent the entire trial making crayon drawings of monsters eating ice cream.

Furthermore, after 14 hours of deliberation the jury sent Mr Justice Sweeney a picture of a smiling flower they had made with poster paint, and a handwritten note saying “Deer mistr Jujdgg, what is the naim of the womman agayn?”

The judge sent

February 20, 2013

“If I told you the truth you’d crap yourself” warns Clegg

by philapilus
English: Nick Clegg, Deputy Prime Minister of ...

He’s fine, right up to the point when he opens his mouth

Deputy prime minister Nick Clegg caused concern this morning, when he refused to give exact figures for how many Romanians and Bulgarians are expected to immigrate when restrictions are lifted next year.

Speaking on his LBC Radio slot, Clegg struck terror into the heart of middle England when he declined to reveal the government’s estimate, saying “Firstly it’s more of a ‘guesstimate’ anyway (which admittedly makes a mockery of the whole thing), but to be honest, I’m worried that if I told you the figure you would probably just have a massive seizure.

“I imagine that

February 19, 2013

‘Fat-faced little troglodyte': Duchess of Cambridge attacks Hilary Mantel

by philapilus
Mastif_angielski_pręgowany na krajowej wystawi...

Mantel may not be the most beautiful author, but many feel Princess Kate has overstepped the mark

Princess Kate has been at the centre of a row this week, after totally unprovoked comments about Hilary Mantel that she made in a speech recently.

The duchess, who does not know Mantel personally, said that the double Booker Prize-winning author had “A face like a wad of unshaped dough, with two holes poked in it for eyes. Her teeth are yellowed and uneven, and her hair is swept back off her wrinkled, overlarge forehead in what may be the most aesthetically offensive hairstyle since Mo Mowlam.

“Her sharp nose could be called beaky, if it wasn’t for the fact that this would risk causing grave offence to vultures, while the

February 19, 2013

Everyone finally understands horrors of Eurovision

by philapilus
A map of Europe showing how many times each co...

This WHO guide shows which countries produce music that could seriously damage your brain and/or ears, in ascending order of awfulness

Controversy over Germany’s 2013 Eurovision entry may signal the end of the mass-myopia that has allowed the song contest to survive, according to the results of a poll published today.

Researchers approached members of the public across Europe, and played them the German song ‘Glorious’ followed by last year’s winning Swedish song ‘Euphoria’.

Then the researcher would reveal that both were Eurovision entries, and hold up a very big card, with the word “SEE?” written on it, in

February 18, 2013

“You know sugar-drinks? They’ve got sugar in” say doctors

by philapilus
Walrus

Shockingly the report suggests we aren’t supposed to weigh more than one of these.

As UK obesity levels reach crisis point, the Academy of Medical Royal Colleges has been forced to recommend that the government remind everyone in the country that when something is bad for your health, that means it isn’t good for you.

In a report written in really big letters, Britain’s entire medical profession have asked for legislation to make unhealthy things like fizzy drinks more expensive, and to restrict the ways such products can be advertised.

But more depressingly, they also warn that Britain has reached the stage where we need

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