Archive for January, 2013

January 31, 2013

“No more existential loneliness” under new spare bedroom tax

by philapilus
Drawing of the Nursery Rhyme "There was a...

Fortunately for this old woman, the government DOES know what to do.

The government is trumpeting its proposed ‘spare bedroom tax’, as a watershed moment in combating the sense of isolated despair and ennui that plagues the British people.

The so-called tax consists of a reduction in housing benefit for anybody unfortunate enough to have some space in their social accomodation.

Those afflicted with the misery that is having a room not presently occupied by one adult or two children, will face a reduction in benefit by upto as much as £80 per month.

A government spokesman said “The trouble is that so many people looking around the great empty expanse of their social homes

January 30, 2013

“Guns don’t kill people, cats do” says new report

by philapilus
English: Blue-eyed cats with white fur have a ...

“You are feeling sleepy, very very sleepy…we are out of kitty litter; piss off to the shop, minion.”

A group of scientists have published an article in Nature Communications, which claims that the most dangerous creature in the whole world is almost certainly the common cat.

The authors believe that felines may be responsible for killing almost 4 billion birds, and perhaps as many as 20 billion small mammals, in the USA alone each year.

They also estimate that around seventy per cent of all homicides are actually secretly carried out by cats, whose natural stealth and small size mean they are almost never suspected. To date no feline has ever been convicted of murder.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, co-author

January 29, 2013

Queen Beatrix’s abdication causes rift in UK Royal Family

by philapilus
English: portrait of HRH Prince Charles Prince...

“I’ll probably be king bythe time you’ve developed the negative!” Charles told the photographer. That was in 1923.

The news that the Queen of the Netherlands is abdicating in favour of her son has furthered tensions between Prince Charles and Queen Elizabeth II.

A Buckingham Palace source revealed that upon reading the newspapers at breakfast yesterday morning, the Queen rolled her eyes, and said “Oh, here we go…”

Moments later the Master of the Queen’s Mobile informed Her Majesty that her eldest son was on the line in a hysterical state, alternately shouting and weeping.

The Queen took the phone, and immediately had to hold it at arm’s length whilst Charles

January 28, 2013

Monkey’s attempt to escape Iran foiled

by philapilus
Ares I-X launches from Kennedy Space Center la...

This one was stolen by weevils

NASA say they have fished a message in a bottle out of the ocean, purportedly written by the monkey that Iran claims to have sent into space on a sub-orbital test-flight. In it the monkey supposedly reveals that he has in fact stolen a Pishgam rocket from the space program, in a bid to flee the country.

“You would not believe how unbelievably awful being a monkey in Iran is,” he writes, “you can’t even get drunk, and as for drugs… well, you can get stoned, but not in a good way.”

The message goes on to say that, despite having a truly remarkable cultural history and a civilization which has flowered over millennia, Iran is now basically as rubbish as any other country run by a theocratic misogynistic bunch of bastards.

“I have pinched this rocket in order to

January 25, 2013

Anti-gun activist makes the ultimate sacrifice

by unpseudable

Well, a design like this is just asking for trouble

News has surfaced that a Trinidad and Tobago man has gone to extreme lengths to demonstrate why perhaps it’s not a great idea for everyone to have a gun.  The 33 year old security guard had a .38 caliber handgun in his pocket when it went off, shooting him right in the knob.

This appears to represent a growing movement of people hoping to prove how stupid the combination of guns and human beings can be, following a spate of groinal shootings across America, in Florida, Arizona, Oklahoma and Washington in 2012 alone.

Spokesperson for Please Shoot Your Copulating Hardware Off, Rick Splatter, said,

January 25, 2013

Thousands line up to kick Swansea City ball-boy

by philapilus
A football (or soccer ball) icon.

See? he does look an awful lot like a ball.

A ball-boy has seen his Twitter followers rise to 80,000 overnight, after being kicked by Chelsea midfielder Eden Hazard during a match held on Wednesday.

The vast majority of those now following him have asked if they can come and give him a kicking too, with thousands more ringing his home or gathering in the street outside with the same intention.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, footballologist at the Slough Institute of Sport and Writing Things Down, said “What we have here is a very interesting phenomenon. Essentially, most of the early recruits to his Twitter feed yesterday were Chelsea supporters, eager to punish the ball-boy for time-wasting.

“But increasingly, more and more of his new followers have been football fans who were just generally angry, wanted someone to hurt, and had noticed on TV that

January 24, 2013

Charlie Brown faces up to 9 years in prison

by philapilus
Snoopy statue given to the Kennedy Space Cente...

Gang-member Snoopy was formerly a successful astronaut, before embarking on a life of crime.

Former ‘Peanuts’ gang member, Charlie Brown, has been arrested and charged with stalking and making criminal threats, by the San Diego District Attorney.

A former victim of the gang’s, who asked to remain anonymous, said “This is a great day for all those who have suffered at the hands of that brutal thug.

“Finally I feel I can go to sleep at night without the terror of waking to see that round head silhouetted in the bedroom doorway, and that gravelly voice rasping ‘I’ll give you some Good Grief now, motherfucker.”

Brown – despite being incredibly timid and physically awkward as a youth – still

January 23, 2013

Beyonce lip-syncing scandal leads to violent demands for new election

by philapilus

The USA has been driven to the brink of  internicine civil war, by the news that pop-singer Beyonce Knowles-Carter probably lip-synced her performance at President Obama’s inauguration ceremony.

Beyoncé Knowles performing "Listen" ...

In years to come she will be remembered as a greater foe to the American people than Bin Laden ever was

Beyonce performed the American hit-parade classic ‘Star Spangled Banner’, written and first made famous by the Rembrandts, and released as the B-side for their single ‘I’ll be there for you’.

But accusations that she lip-synced, instead of singing the song live, have resulted in rioting and outbreaks of violence throughout the country.

Governors of the Southern states have met and drawn up plans for a New Confederacy, and

January 22, 2013

“I can’t stop killing” admits Harry

by philapilus
English: Prince William of Wales & Prince Henr...

William is said to be so frightened that he will only travel with Harry in an open-topped vehicle, so that everyone can see exactly what his brother is doing

Prince Harry surprised journalists yesterday when he revealed openly that he has killed people. The prince was interviewed after his most recent tour in Afghanistan as a helicopter commander, when he dropped the bombshell – presumably literally.

“I have always felt that, prince or no, I have a job to do,” said Prince Harry, “and that job inevitably involves killing people. But more than that, it’s something that I feel I need to do, something to which I have been called, you might say.”

He went on “And some of those killings were made in my official capacity as a member of the armed forces. Granted, not the majority of them, but a fair few, all the same.”

The prince, who is also known as ‘Captain Wales’, ‘Herr Nazi Kommandant’, and ‘That idiot who was

January 21, 2013

All humans “to be eliminated by 2017”

by articulatedsheep

The Government has announced that all human beings will be wiped out, in a process to begin this April.

The plan, which will take three years to implement, will see every man, woman and child permanently despatched by the Prime Minister, who will stare, glassy-eyed, into the middle distance while slowly squeezing the life from their twitching bodies.

Happy?

Happy?

Mr. Cameron will have both his lower arms replaced by brutal, terrifying prehensile pincers, to make his task of personally killing 62 million people easier.

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