Archive for September, 2012

September 26, 2012

Presidential candidate in science confusion

by unpseudable

Following an emergency landing due to a fire in an aircraft carrying his wife, Republican candidate Mitt Romney this week made comments suggesting that he was unsure as to why windows in aeroplanes do not open.

Open windows can cause problems

Romney was recorded at a fundraiser saying “”When you have a fire in an aircraft, there’s no place to go… and you can’t find any oxygen from outside the aircraft to get in the aircraft, because the windows don’t open. I don’t know why they don’t do that. It’s a real problem. So it’s very dangerous.”

Ostensibly left-wing commentators and comedians pounced on the statement as further evidence that Mitt Romney “doesn’t have the first fucking clue about anything at all,” and “is the biggest fucking idiot to attempt to run for president, on a par with Bush, Gingrich, Santorum… err, pretty much all them Republicans, in fact.” Others, however, acknowledge the possibility that it was simply a joke, with some political reporters noting that as Romney cannot be taken seriously as a human being, this is surely a given.

September 26, 2012

Commission to choose new Archbishop convenes

by philapilus
Rolf Harris @Sheffield Doc/Fest 2010

The church stands firmly against bestiality. And on an unrelated note, here’s Rolf Harris.

The Crown Nominations Commission today begins its final meeting to select a candidate to succeed Rowan Williams.

The meeting, which will last two days and is held at an undisclosed location, is traditionally surrounded by a veil of secrecy, but in an exclusive scoop TMB has discovered the names on the short list. This is the first time such information has ever been unveiled.

According to highly secret sources, there are two front-running candidates, and the committee is deadlocked between them. Both men are understood to be desperate to win the nomination, as they are both shortly to leave their current posts.

September 24, 2012

“Look you f***ing plebs, accept the f***ing apology!” screams bottle-wielding Andrew Mitchell

by philapilus
File:Andrew Mitchell Official.jpg

He’s all smiles and politeness, right up to the bit where he attacks your face with his teeth

Andrew Mitchell, the Chief Whip, appeared at Downing Street this morning to issue a fresh statement to the press about the furore he caused last week.

The high ranking member of the government, whose role basically involves keeping order and imposing the stamp of authority and discipline on the party, demonstrated his impressive grasp of the necessities of structured order, when he lambasted police for asking him to follow protocol.

This morning, standing in the drizzle, Mr Mitchell said “I am so bored of this fucking business. This oiksome little PC Piggy insists on telling people what I said, and the fucking fuzz simply won’t let the matter disappear.”

September 20, 2012

Another British soldier gives birth in Afghanistan

by philapilus
Newborn child, seconds after birth. The umbili...

“Let’s face it; it’s a hell of a lot better than blowing your foot off.”

Following the surprise birth yesterday of a baby boy to a British servicewoman in Afghanistan, the Ministry of Defence has today issued a statement that another serving soldier has had a child.

Unlike yesterday’s new mother, who was an anonymous Royal Artillery gunner, the parent of the baby born today has been revealed to the press.

Private John Smith of the Royal Infantry said “I’ve just given birth to a beautiful baby daughter, and I am very happy and healthy, as is she.”

September 20, 2012

Leaked Romney video completely devoid of interest

by philapilus
Mitt Romney in 2007 in Washington, DC at the V...

Romney miming; showing supporters how to pull the rug fom under people’s feet

A video showing Mitt Romney speaking in a frank and unguarded way to a rich audience at a fundraising dinner, has been declared the least revealing and least shocking ‘expose’ political footage of the last sixty years.

A storm of controversy was expected to follow the release of the video. Critics predicted revelations of a secret agenda, and devastating evidence of unconstitutional behaviour in his too-cosy relationship with the wealthy.

But to everyone’s disappointment it transpired that the things Mitt Romney says to a private group of ultra-conservative supporters at a $50,000 dollar-a-head dinner are exactly the same as the things he says normally.

September 19, 2012

Millions of Christians to kill one another over “Jesus’ wife” papyrus

by philapilus
English: Icon of Jesus Christ

She probably divorced him after catching him wearing her dresses

A papyrus fragment dating from the 4th century indicates that Jesus had a wife, according to new research unveiled this week by Professor Hamish McEyebrau of Slough Multistorey Carpark University.

Professor McEyebrau translated the very small bit of text on the fragment of fabric, which shows that some people living three centuries or more after Christ died reckoned he might have been married.

Unfortunately, as with even the most miniscule artefacts relating to religion, the papyrus has led to instant schism and is now believed likely to cause the next round of global conflict.

“The insight this papyrus could have given into what people in the 4th century discussed and believed and thought about could have been fascinating,” sighed McEyebrau, “But much to my surprise the religious communities around the world seem to have decided to launch bitter tirades against one another.”

September 17, 2012

Prince William: “Not enough is being said about my wife’s breasts”

by philapilus
prickly paddy melon (Cucumis myriocarpus), Wil...

Everyone likes melons

Prince William, the future King of Britain, has lashed out at the press and at common people around the world, for not showing enough interest in his wife Kate’s nipples.

In a statement released by the Royal couple today, William insisted that if Kate is indeed going to be Queen of the world’s ninety-sixth most important country, then people should jolly well start ogling her chest a bit more.

September 17, 2012

Country in shock at reports of theft in Manchester

by philapilus
English: Map of Manchester from 1801.

It would be incredibly unwise to point out that Manchester appears to have originated from the kind of massive vomit-splatter usually only found at bus-stops and outside all-night kebab shops

Post-Olympic spirit in the UK has plummeted from pride and nostalgia down to dumbfounded disbelief, as an unprecedented report suggests that quite a lot of people are taking things without paying for them – in Manchester of all places!

The city, famed throughout Britain for its culture, and its learned, mellifluous-voiced populace, has always been considered a bastion of crimeless civility.

But evidence shows that more music is pirated in Manchester than anywhere else in the country.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough Council for Planning Permission and Musical Piracy Studies, said “It seems scarcely credible, but every hour Mancunians make more illegal downloads than the rest of the country does in a decade. To put that in context, the rate of theft is almost as high as the rate of headbuttings in Glasgow.”

September 15, 2012

Pickles move under way as Crossrail construction continues

by articulatedsheep

Contractors building London’s new Crossrail line – which will take trains from Paddington to Shenfield and Abbey Wood through twin-bore tunnels currently being hewn from the rock beneath the capital – are about to start the delicate process of digging beneath Eric Pickles.

Eric shares a joke with a hedge

“This was always going to be the most difficult part of the project,” said Crossrail’s Head of Digging, Sandi Toksvig. “But we’re confident that – like with the rest of the work – we can deliver it on time and on budget”.

September 14, 2012

Apple launches new iPhone

by articulatedsheep

Apple has launched the long-awaited iPhone 5, the much touted next-generation in its incredibly successful product line. Feverish speculation had it that the new phone would feature revolutionary changes such as a 3 degree adjustment to the angle of the bevel on the side of the phone, a 0.03% increase in the size of the screen, and the movement of the headphone jack 4mm to the right. However, both design and hardware changes have been more fundamental than this. Here we run down the main changes.

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