Training to be an official Olympic judge takes nearly a whole morning. It can even run on into the afternoon if you take breaks.
A bitter dispute has erupted between the American and Chinese teams, after Ye Shiwen’s extraordinary victory in the 400m medley.
Ye completed the race very quickly, which surprised the Americans who were hoping they might finish the race even more quickly, and therefore be the ones who could stand on top of the podium and have their song played.
“It’s not fair,” said US coach OJ Simpson, “everyone saw that that little Chin clearly had arms the size of Popeye’s, and everyone could see the outboard motor attached to her fanny. This was the most unnatural win since the steroid-taking tortoise beat the hare.
“The Olympics shouldn’t be about people being so chemically enhanced that they are unbeatable. They should be about US athletes, who never, ever, ever, ever cheat, beating the rest of the world into bloody submission.”
Ye’s coach, Chow Yun Fat, insisted however that her performance was entirely natural. “Ye won the race through nothing more than iron determination, a body honed from the womb through a strict regimen of enforced exercise, and the motivation of knowing that her family were suspended from ropes over a vat of acid during the race.
“Which was entirely coincidental. But these indulgent roundeyes think Chinese athletes cheat, just because we don’t stuff our faces with Burger King like they do.”
Doping allegations are a very serious matter at Olympic level, where even eating a Polo mint at any time during the fourteen months before an event is an automatic disqualification, and is punishable by removal of the hands and feet.
Professor Hamish McEyebrau of the newly-formed Slough Sixth Form College of Olympianerology said “Part of the issue is that races are so fast now that you can’t really tell who won anyway, even with all these computers and gadgets and shit.
“Generally the officials just pick the winner out of a hat, or make one of those origami paper fortune-teller thingies and write all the countries’ names on the flaps. Those are awesome. If I had learned how to make one of them I could be an Olympic judge by now.”
Norbert Spunkbrain, a decorator from Tunbridge Wells whose knowledge of sport is based on twenty years of reading the Sun, said “It’s all stupid though isn’t it?. Why don’t they let everyone just take whatever they want? If they all take the best enhancement possible, then that cancels out the benefit of the drug. And gives us a level playing field.
“And then when our boys and girls are trounced by superior athletes who have spent their lives trying to be better than the seven other people from the entirety of humankind at the top of the sport, we can hang our heads in shame with pride, and know that we are proper, honest losers, not cheating ones.”