Archive for June, 2012

June 29, 2012

“I will be 11% more useful to Britain” vows Charles

by philapilus
English: Charles, Prince of Wales outside the ...

The UK economy could not possibly survive without the Royals who so expertly spend taxpayers money on incredibly important things for themselves. All of which is almost certainly vital for Britain’s future, and not at all a foppishly fuckwitted financial black hole. Sadly ordinary folk don’t understand.

Clarence House issued a press statement this afternoon, confirming reports that the Prince of Wales has cost the taxpayer an extra 11% this year.

Crucially though, the statement includes a formal promise fom the heir to the throne that he is going to be at least 11% more useful to the national economy to balance it out.

“The Prince has long been planning to increase his GDP.” said a spokesman, “And having learned this morning that – much to his great distress – his reliance on the taxpayer increased this year, he has decided to implement measures to make himself more financially viable.

June 27, 2012

Queen to fight McGuinness

by philapilus
A boxer is knocked down and receives the 10 count.

The Queen has won her last seven fights by technical knock-out, all before the third round

A bitter rivalry that makes the Hayes-Chisora feud look like a nursery school squabble comes to a head today, as Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II steps into the ring against former IRA commander, Martin McGuinness.

In what boxing enthusiasts are already describing as ‘the bout of the decade’, the Irish deputy first minister will challenge the reigning British monarch, in a match that will be fought on his home soil.

The two opponents have been taunting and trying to out-psych one another for quite some time ahead of today’s fight, with McGuinness serving in a force that assassinated the Queen’s cousin, and HRH in her turn continuing the longstanding pugilist’s tradition of screwing Ireland over indefinitely.

June 27, 2012

Nation unites in confused anger as tower with unknown name gets renamed

by unpseudable

NOT Big Ben. Or St Stephen’s Tower. Or even the Clock Tower.

The populous of the United Kingdom was today brought together in irate befuddlement as the tower they thought was called ‘Big Ben’ is to be renamed ‘Elizabeth Tower’.

In an entirely pointless move, a committee of the House has decided on the new name to celebrate Mrs Windsor’s sixty years of doing the same job, supported by the leaders of the main parties, David Cameron and Ed Miliband.  Nick Clegg also backed the plan.

However the public has reacted strongly to the move.  “Oh, it’s taking liberties, isn’t it?” Said one utterly furious member of the public, Eric Furious. “I mean, I love the Queen.  I really love her.  But it’s Big Ben, and it always will be.  Next they’ll be renaming it the Houses of Elizabeth, won’t they?  The United Elizabeth of Great Elizabeth and Northern Elizabeth.  It’s political correctness gone mad.”

June 26, 2012

Lonesome George’s death proves creationism beyond any doubt

by philapilus
English: Richard Dawkins at New York City's Co...

Now unemployable

The passing of Lonesome George yesterday, the rarest animal on Earth, was a cause of great sadness to environmentalists, conservationists and fans of big, slow-moving things that don’t have sex - but has also had unexpected metaphysical consequences.

George was the last surviving member of the Pinta subspecies, and was seen as a living symbol of the theory of evolution, which Darwin developed partly through observing the subspecies of giant tortoises on the Galapagos islands.

But yesterday, discovering his corpse lying on its back, George’s keeper and zoo officials were shocked to spot a small maker’s signature on the roof of the mouth, reading simply ‘God, 1908′.

June 25, 2012

English men are inexplicably down in the dumps

by philapilus
English: Plastic pizza saver - used to keep th...

If your job involves the use of these, then for God’s sake don’t go in today; barricade your doors, and stay under the covers till at least mid-week.

This morning women all over the country reported noticing that men seemed really quite miserable, and that most had a misanthropic, murderous scowl on their faces that was worse than the usual one.

Despite the fact that the sun was shining over most of the country, the male mood was a worrying seventy per cent lower than usual, according to figures which are impossible to check.

An astonishingly large proportion of the bit of the country’s population whose genitals dangle, turned up for work this morning wearing badges that read ‘If you talk to me, I will kill you’.

June 24, 2012

Insane Leveson “hulks out” over Mail allegations

by articulatedsheep

Lord Justice Leveson has reportedly “gone apeshit” over suggestions in the Mail that he had threatened to “kill the Prime Minister if anyone dared to utter any further criticism of his inquiry”. According to sources we have made up, last Monday he had to be persuaded out of going round to Number 10 with an axe.

The unaccountable, unelected judge wrote an explosive letter to David Cameron refuting the allegations – going as far to say that he was, “mildly disappointed in the way that this issue has been treated in the press”.

June 24, 2012

Factional war erupts in Labour Party

by articulatedsheep

Ed Miliband has claimed that that his party’s moves to cheerfully rip itself apart are a “tactical move” intended to provide a more level playing field in British politics.

“To be frank,” said Mr. Miliband, “we’ve simply had it very easy for the last few months. The cavalcade of shit coming out of Leveson, much of it adhering embarrassingly to the Prime Minister and his senior colleagues, the double dip recession, the imminent and obvious disaster of the forthcoming benefit reform measures – the list goes on. Opposition has become a bit too much like shooting fish in a barrel, which is why we’ve decided to carry out some pointless internecine squabbling to give the Government a bit of a breather.”

June 22, 2012

Gove’s education revolution “still not convincing people he isn’t a fuckwit”

by philapilus
Michael Gove at Chantry High School

“Why can’t you whiny little shits accept that your future is the backroom of Argos, and stop wasting my Department’s money?” said Gove, on a school visit this month

Michael Gove has today defended his plan to scrap GCSEs, reintroduce O-levels and replace the national curriculum with flexible education programmes, which he promises will be “The biggest sphincter-tearing sodomisation of the education system in decades”.

Speaking on the Today programme, Gove said “As a society we have made the mistake of institutionalised dumbing-down, and we have forced a conformity of standards onto disparate schools, resulting in an education system based on the lowest common denominators.

“What I want to do is roll back the monolithic uniformity that is holding so many of our children back, and return policy decision-making to the people who do it best, teachers. This will give each school the freedom to decide whether it wants to be an elite bastion of private education, with playing fields, stables, and beautiful Georgian buildings kitted out with state of the art equipment, or whether it would prefer to be a disease-ridden workhouse, preparing Britain’s vast numbers of unruly tykes for the careers they will enjoy in the shelf-stacking sector.

June 20, 2012

Mugabe: ‘If I am going down, I am taking as many of you with me as I can’

by philapilus
English: President George W. Bush applauds for...

Blair winning the medal for most pedestrians killed in a single day, applauded by runner-up and potato-print expert, George Bush Jr

A spokesman for Robert Mugabe, who is still not dead, today announced that Sunday’s collision between the Zimbabwean president’s motorcade and a minibus, was not an accident.

The incident, one of three fatal collisions involving Mugabe’s motorcade in the last fortnight alone, had previously been described as owing to an error of judgement on the part of the minibus driver.

But Mugabe’s press secretary, speaking at a news conference today, said ‘I just spoke to Robbie, and he said to me “You know what? I’m sick of this diplomatic shit. Just tell them what happened. What the fuck are they going to do about it?” and then laughed maniacally.’

June 18, 2012

Nalbandian’s on-court rage kills seven and leaves eighteen in intensive care

by philapilus
English: Tennis player in action in Brisbane, ...

In the good old days players were allowed to shoot linesmen on sight, for infractions as minor as wearing stupid socks.

Argentinean tennis player David Nalbandian was disqualified from the Queen’s tennis final yesterday, after an outburst of outrageously bad sportsmanship in his match against Marin Cilic.

Having won the first set of the Aegon Championships, Nalbandian had his serve broken in the second set, and responded by kicking at a piece of advertising hoarding, which injured a linesman’s leg.

Nalbandian then pushed the linesman to the ground, and began vigorously biting his face and hands, eventually severing his jugular before laughing maniacally and spraying blood and flesh from his chomping jaws.

He leapt into the stalls and began decapitating the nearest spectators with his tennis racquet, and when it had broken he savaged the fans too slow to flee using one of his long-laced shoes as a rudimentary morningstar.

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