Archive for May, 2012

May 26, 2012

Eurovision revealed to be massive social experiment

by unpseudable

An artist’s literal interpretation of Eurovision

It has emerged today that the Eurovision Song Contest was in fact designed to be an ongoing social experiment on the people of Europe.

Bob Kettering, who, with French penpal and colleague, Francois Toulouse, came up with the idea in the early 50s, has revealed all in the newly published book, EuroBollocks. Subtitled, Getting a Whole Continent to Act Like Twats.

On the day of this year’s cultural nadir, we offer extracts from the book.

May 23, 2012

Cameron describes Balls as “fucking cunt” in Commons outburst

by articulatedsheep

In a stormy Prime Minister’s Questions today, David Cameron described Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls as a “fucking cunt” who “deserves to be thrown head-first into an enormous cauldron full of raw sewage while weighed down

Cameron: “statesmanlike”

with lead ingots”.

The Prime Minister, who, as usual, arrived at the Commons on his magnificent white charger Xanthippus, said that the outburst was a response to Mr. Balls’ frequent provocation, including ten minutes at the beginning of today’s PMQs where the Shadow Chancellor stuck his tongue behind his lower lip and made “straining sounds”, while holding up a sign reading, “U R A SPASTIC LOL”.

May 23, 2012

Elderly gentlemen to play music

by articulatedsheep

Ian Brown and the Stone Roses have announced their first reunion gig will be a surprise concert in Warrington this evening.

Comfy chairs have been installed on the stage at the town’s Parr Hall, from which the band will play while tucked up nice and warm with tartan rugs.

In their heyday

Audience members, many of whom faced an uphill struggle persuading the matron in the home if they could spend the evening out, are looking forward to an evening’s entertainment which will be a “proper belter”, according to one of them.

May 23, 2012

‘Study this exemplary script’ Cannes Jury tells women

by philapilus
Alien

“With my new film I have made a massive departure fom previous work, because this time the aliens are green” says Cameron.

The Morning Babel has managed to get hold of a copy of the freely available script that the Cannes Jury appended to their open letter about why female directors are rubbish.

The following is the first scene of James Cameron’s new film about life in rural England after an alien invasion, and is touted as the finest example yet of his masterful grasp of what kind of script makes a great film.

May 23, 2012

Women directors told to emulate men

by philapilus
Français : Plaquette avec la Palme d'or.

Women only want it because it is shiny, and comes in a jewellery box.

At the weekend France erupted into heated debate over the absence of a single female film director in the nominations for this years Palme d’Or at Cannes. In response, the selection committee has today issued an open letter to women filmmakers, suggesting that they study the great male directors of the film fraternity.

“We of the Jury feel that by far the best thing ladies can do, when not brushing their hair or cooking a fantastic steak, is to sit down and have a look at how men make films, and then try to copy it as closely as possible,” the letter begins, adding “Sometimes women do get it right, but on the whole it is more luck than judgement, and you would be much better off trying to make films exactly how men do.”

Unfortunately though, the letter has merely stirred up more controversy.

Hairy, tattooed, seventeen-stone feminist, Beth Belcher, submitted her film about fisting amongst the female members of the merchant navy, and was furious not to be shortlisted.

May 22, 2012

British people can’t spell for shit

by unpseudable

That’s much better

According too a knew survey, Britons are relying to much on auto-correct an spelling is suffering four a hole generation of Brits.

Knew research buy Mencap shows that though off the 2000 people surveyed, 76% rated there spelling as ‘farely good’ or ‘verry good’, 65% where unable too spell simple words.  The remaining 42% rated there spelling as ‘average’ oar ‘farely pour’.  Numeracy levels are thort too bee still reely hi.

Students did worse of awl with own lee 13% getting all five off the questions sett write.  The results show women too bee better spellers then man, thoughs over 65 being the bessed.

May 22, 2012

Horror at Reagan Reanimation Threat

by philapilus
Ronald Reagan and Nancy Reagan greet Prime Min...

Notice how there are never any mirrors anywhere near these people?

Vampire-hunters, demon-slayers and other monster-terminating professionals united to express their terror yesterday, at the news that former Soul-scurge of the West, Ronald Reagan, could feasibly be brought back to life.

The appearance of a vial of the Unholy One’s dried blood on PFC Auctions website caused alarm, general panic, and bulk-buying of basic supplies in shops across the United States.

The rest of the world began re-opening old caches of nuclear weapons, and Heads of State installed ‘Retaliatory Strike’ apps on their smartphones.

May 21, 2012

Indolent Cameron “laziest man on Earth”

by articulatedsheep

It has been confirmed by prominent independent think tank, the Centre for Not Being Affiliated to the Labour Party in Any Way, that David Cameron is the world’s laziest man.

Cameron is currently jet-setting around the world, living it up at a variety of international conferences while Britain collapses into some kind of hell-hole where diseased rats will be the dominant life-form. The revelations have done no favours for him with left and right alike, who have attacked his dilettante, free-wheeling approach to his responsibilities.

May 21, 2012

Staines in Renaming Blunder

by philapilus

  

ABANDONED CAR ON SEEKONK RIVER BANK - NARA - 5...

The new name trades on Staines’ famous river bank vistas

The Surrey town of Staines faced unfortunate national embarrassment this weekend, when its highly-publicised change of moniker was accused of failing to placate stigmatised residents.

The official change to Staines-upon-Thames came after years of ridicule, partly through association with fictional resident, television character Ali G.

But some residents insist councillors have missed the point.

“Yes the Ali G thing was a problem,’ said local shopkeeper, Dick Cheese, “but mostly what annoyed us was the endless list of jokes about the fact that ‘Staines’ sounds like ‘stains’. Um, the distinction makes more sense if I write it down.”

May 18, 2012

Breaking News: Brussels denies having a ‘post-Greece’ plan

by philapilus
Pass this side. Right, Road Sign in Greece.

“Zis sign is for show, und iss not indication ve are to put Greece in zer zee…”

In the continually unfolding tale of misery that is the Greek economy and its imminent secession from the euro, speculation has been rife that the European Commission has an ‘After Greece Crashes And Burns Strategy’.

The G8 meeting tonight will see the world’s most powerful countries get together and refuse to think that Greece might possibly default on its debts.

George Osborne said that the idea was so unthinkable that he and David Cameron “almost wet themselves laughing” when a reporter asked if they thought the impoverished economy would leave.

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