Archive for April, 2012

April 30, 2012

Jones: “I was in the running to be Bond”

by articulatedsheep

Following revelations by housewives’ favourite Tom Jones that he very nearly secured the role of James Bond, a script has been issued by the franchise’s producers, Eon Productions, that reveals how the plot of Casino Royale would have been “tweaked” to suit Jones’s particular skills, expertise and character.

Bore da, bach, I could fair murder a slice of laver bread isnit.

In the Jones film version, rather than working for MI5, Bond is a trading standards officer working for Cardiff Council. He does, however, still possess his licence to kill.

April 30, 2012

London elections: your vote, your choice

by articulatedsheep

This Thursday will see the fourth set of elections for a London Mayor. Because everyone and everything in the world that is important either is in, or relates to, London, we are going to ignore the fact that 109 councils in the rest of England are also having elections (along with the Welsh Assembly) to provide you with a quick and easy guide to decide who to cast your ballot for on Thursday, on the assumption that you live in the capital.

April 30, 2012

P&O sets unprecedented standards for care of indentured crew

by philapilus

 

Photograph of a slave boy in Zanzibar. Nationa...

P&O's apprenticeship scheme is second to none

P&O Cruises have today announced their extremely beneficent intention to pay their sub-human galley slaves a whopping 75p per hour, plus – if they are good – they might be allowed to keep some of the tips.

Unlike most cruise-ship companies, who keep their manacled oarsmen in harsh conditions (with no food until sundown, and only brackish water to drink), P&O has always been a humanitarian trailblazer, allowing a daily toilet break, and a weekly change of loincloth.

Tim Twanks, public relations advisor for P&O, said “The scores of pennies which we bestow upon the unwashed trogladytes below deck more than compensate them for the relatively easy chore of pulling on 12 foot long wooden paddles, for eleven hours a day, whilst a leather-clad overseer lashes them with a whip.”

April 29, 2012

Murdoch: Stop buying my papers

by unpseudable

"I'm talking about myself"

TMB is fortunate to be able to offer a slightly abridged transcript of Rupert Murdoch’s appearance at the Leveson Enquiry. Our TMB editors have picked the most salient and illuminating points, which essentially get to the heart of the issue, resulting a nuanced and balanced summary of proceedings.

All quotes are directly from the mouth of Murdoch himself, although, obviously for absolutely complete context you may need to read all 223 pages of the interviews.

 

I’ve been wrong, at great cost.

Why don’t you come to lunch on Sunday?

I’m sorry. I’m afraid. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

If you want to judge my thinking, look at the Sun.

April 29, 2012

Missile batteries: advice to householders

by articulatedsheep

Congratulations!

As a resident of the Clement Attlee Estate, Bermondsey, you will from 2 May be sharing your immediate environment with a battery of 58 X-750 “Megadeath” Rapier missiles, being installed as part of the Olympic Games preparations by the Ministry of Defence.

We know that this exciting event will have prompted many questions in your mind, so we’re distributing this flimsy leaflet to try to allay any concerns you might have.

Tags:
April 27, 2012

“Please please me like you used to” say Egyptian female corpses

by philapilus
Mummy of Queen Ahmose Inhapy

Phwooaarrrrr! Be honest; who wouldn't hit that?!

Egypt may be on the cusp of passing a revolutionary piece of legislation, dealing with a thorny area of morality no government has yet dared contemplate.

As the twentieth and twenty-first centuries have brought the world ever closer to full-scale zombie apocalypse, all kinds of new codes of ethics have had to be considered: when is it ok to shoot a toddler in the face? How many times do you have to repeat your father’s name with tears in your eyes before you decapitate him with your ornamental coal-shovel? When you flee the city, is it ever ok to leave behind your annoying son, the one you pretend to love as much as your daughter, (but who really just pisses you off, and drove you to have a vasectomy)?

But so far only Egypt has tried to develop a humane, enlightened policy to consider how Z-day will affect the issue of that strongest demonstration of love and affection; sex.

April 25, 2012

“Drought?! We should be so lucky!” says total idiot

by philapilus
A drinking cow and her reflection, River Thame...

As a Thames Water employee sidles up to it with a hose, this cow is about to get a very nasty surprise...

With the announcement that Britain is to face three days of utter diluvian  misery whilst rain pisses incessantly from a bleak, pitiless sky, everyone has decided to take the opportunity to opine loudly about yet another thing of which they are completely ignorant.

For most people, this has taken the form of arriving at work, with soaking wet socks and shoes, and grumbling loudly to colleagues on the adjacent desks about how “We have all this rain, and yet there’s a water shortage, christ what’s the country coming to a monkey could run it better blahblahblahblah…”

Mind-meltingly inane observations have suddenly become much more important than real news, and as such most national newspapers produced Telephone Directory-thick supplements this morning, all about rain, and opinions about rain, and opinions about opinions about rain.*

April 24, 2012

Welshmen “thought penguin was a lass from Swansea”

by philapilus
Humbolt Penguin at Whipsnade Zoo.

Gwyneth Evans, MP for Aberystwyth, utterly condemns the blatant racism of this article, angrily retorting 'Qweuack, qweuack qweu qweu QWEEUUUAAACK'

Two intoxicated Welshmen who broke into an Australian theme park and abducted a penguin, have protested against prosecution charges on the grounds that they mistook the creature for a Welsh woman.

The men who have not yet been named – but are almost certainly called something like Dai Evans and Gareth Jones – are being charged with trespass, and stealing and keeping a protected animal, as well as drunken fuckwittery.

Dai and Gareth – or Hugh and Morgan, or Lewellyn and Brynn, or whatever they were called – have issued a statement, written with a thick Welsh accent, saying “We are so very sorry, see? But it didn’t half look like a beautiful lady from the valleys, see? Small, sleek, very furry and smelling of fish; we were convinced she was a flower amongst Welsh women. We said to one another ‘There’s lovely, isn’t it?’ We had no idea it was a penguin. Deary, deary me.”

April 21, 2012

Tuesday is the new Monday

by articulatedsheep

Theresa May, the soon-to-be-erstwhile Home Secretary, has announced her frustration at the rule of law, as thousands of lazy comics try to cobble together

Well, quite

jokes about how, “women are always getting their dates wrong, amirite fellas?”

This week’s litany of excuses and failures, dubbed an “omnishambles” by those with little originality of thought, stems from the Government failing to get its head around either a calendar, or indeed a telephone, which could at any point over the past three months have been used to call any number of stinking, odious, unaccountable Eurocrats lolling in their taxpayer-funded Jacuzzis in Strasbourg and ask them, “You know this deadline thing? When does it actually fall?”

April 21, 2012

Nation reels at new Cowell revelations

by articulatedsheep

It has been revealed entirely unexpectedly today, and completely without the consent of the man himself, that Simon Cowell is an unstoppable sex machine.

Cowell, whose success with the ladies is comparable only to that of Casanova himself, has managed to bed literally millions of nubile Ukrainian models in the last eighteen hours alone.

A bashful Cowell told a gaggle of tabloid reporters, “Please, gentlemen, please. Don’t you think this is all rather sordid? Can’t a man take advantage of his impossible virility without everyone coming down on top of him?”

Tags:
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 271 other followers