Archive for March, 2012

March 30, 2012

Massive wanker

by philapilus
British politician George Galloway.

And also, on an unrelated note, here's a picture of George Galloway

Wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker

March 28, 2012

Government issues entirely proportionate advice on fuel shortages

by articulatedsheep

Draw close, dear friends, and hear tell of the bygone age when petrol was but £1.10 a litre

The Government has defended itself against charges that advice it has given to motorists in advance of expected fuel shortages is “scaremongering”.

The Unite union has announced, following a successful strike ballot, 90% of Britain’s oil tanker drivers will shortly be going on strike. No date for the stoppage has been announced, and there is no indication of how long it might last.

Government guidance, which will be wrapped around bricks and personally thrown through the front window of every home in the country, is titled, “This shit is going to make ‘The Road’ look like a fucking picnic”.

The guidance suggests that concerned drivers should immediately “kill everyone they love” because the post-fuel shortage world will be “viciously brutal – a landscape more depraved and horrendous than a Japanese prisoner of war camp in the ninth circle of Hell. On fire.”,  and that “the sweet release of death will be a kindness compared to the inferno of savagery that will soon sweep over the carbonised corpse of what we once knew as Britain”.

The guidance further suggests that people form themselves into baying mobs to grab what foodstuffs still remain on shop shelves, “before it’s all too late”.

The guidance concludes with the words, “And may God have mercy on our miserable souls.”

Shoving a blonde, blue-eyed toddler to the ground in a frantic dash to get to the one petrol station in London where prices are still lower than 144.9ppl, the Prime Minister said, “This is it. The balloon’s gone up.”

“Make no mistake – as the direct result of a couple of thousand people going on strike for a few days, our civilisation will quickly descend into outright, inhumane barbarism.”

“Anthropophagy, the sacrifice of innocents to the all-powerful ‘oil god’, desperate bargains being done with the Great Humungous in return for safe passage through the wasteland. All these things – currently, in modern Britain, confined to small areas of Humberside – will be par for the course across the nation.”

The National Association of Petrol Retailers said, “We are currently retrofitting all forecourts in the country with machine gun nests to protect our members from the hordes. We did ask for the army to man them, but they said something about being all tied up in the next couple of weeks driving tankers.”

At the time of going to press, Ed Miliband, apparently Leader of the Opposition, had come out either angrily against the strike action, or guardedly in favour. Or both. Or neither. It’s difficult to say.

Meanwhile, George Osborne, chairing a meeting of the shadowy Bilberberg Group in the depths of the secret Nazi moonbase, said, “Gentlemen, the final piece is in place. Operation ‘Endgame’ is ready to be implemented.”

March 28, 2012

BBC website crushed by the morbidly obese

by philapilus
Obese man early 20th century

Certain 'cuddly' people will need vast emergency chocolate injections on what is left of the NHS, to slim down before obesity causes health problems

The BBC’s news website was yesterday borne down under an impossibly vast volume of traffic, and remained offline whilst technicians shook their heads, whistled inwards between their teeth like 1950s workmen, and said “Tricky; looks like this could be expensive guv”.

Apparently the problem was that a huge number of hits was generated by an innocuous seeming article, about an American study suggesting chocolate consumption might help keep you thin.

Moments after the article appeared, every fat person in Britain virtually fell off their chairs, slamming their pudgy fingers on the mouse or keyboard repeatedly, in their haste to open the webpage.

BBC Health correspondent, Fats Waller, sat down on a chair which creaked dangerously, and tried to explain what had happened, “The problem [wheeze]  is that [wheeze] – sorry there were like nine stairs up to the office – [wheeze] phew, I think the website isn’t [wheeze] – look; sorry I’m a bit short of breath, can we discuss this later?”

Using a special keyboard with extra-large keys, navigable by fingers the size of aubergines, scientist Orson Welles tweeted “Chocolate is good for you? I’m on my way down to Mr Patel’s and today it’s going to be two plastic bags, not just the usual one! I’ll be running marathons in no time.”

Britain’s most popular man, Health Secretary Andrew Lansley said “I think there’s a danger that through populist headlinemongering – yes, that’s right, I said ‘headlinemongering’ – the BBC is going to give the impression that it is fine to indulge in – Aaaarrrghhhh!” as unfortunately a large herd of roly-polies crushed him in their effort to get to the Ministry’s seriously over-used snack machine.

People all over the country very slowly stampeded into shops, and bought up entire shelves of chocolate bars, leading supermarket chains Tesco and Sainsbury’s to ask the government to set up a chocolate rationing system.

“Fuck the drought,” said a spokesman for the campaign, “We’re going to be out of chocolate if we aren’t careful. In a country where two thirds of the adult population is overweight! Do you have any idea how bad this could get? Have you seen 28 Days Later? Where everyone is eating each other? That’s what it will be like!”

Large commedienne Dawn French (who isn’t funny, so perhaps we should just say ‘Large Dawn French’) said through a mouthful of food, “MMmmff mmf mmf mf, unh unh mf MMF mmf”.

Which is of course indisputably true.

***

TMB would like to announce that we utterly refute allegations that we are in any way endorsing fattism. We’re much thinner than you.

March 26, 2012

James Cameron plumbs lowest depths – and also explores ocean’s bottom

by philapilus
Korea-Sea cucumber-Haesam hoe

Ocean wonders: as beautiful as it gets. Unfortunately.

Film director James Cameron has gone to the very lowest levels mankind can reach – making truly appalling movies, the rank sentimentality of which is only slightly less egregious than the total absence of any engaging plot or characters.

And he also just took a submarine to the deepest part of the ocean as well.

Cameron – or James ‘that guy who made a couple of good films in the eighties and has steadily been churning out dross ever since’ Cameron, as he is known in Hollywood – is one of the world’s most discussed film directors.  Discussions, for instance, like:

“Did you see that new James Cameron movie, about blue people?”

“Yeah, shite wasn’t it?”

“Yeah, total dross.”

March 25, 2012

Shock at claims that donations in exchange for influence give influence to donors

by philapilus
Pound Sign (£) created with the Nimbus Sans ty...

Money can't buy you Gove - or any other Conservative MP. Probably.

Widespread and very nearly genuine shock was expressed this morning by all three of the major parties, after the Sunday Times published Peter Cruddas’ claims that giving lots of money to the Conservatives made you their bestest new friend.

“Cruddas was secretly filmed by Sunday Times journalists posing as journalists from a different newspaper,” said an unreliable source this morning, “who asked him what kind of access to top Tories could be expected in exchange for sizeable donations to the Conservative party.”

Cruddas’ response, according to a close friend (admittedly not one of Cruddas’s, though) was “Ok; 10 large will get you the PM’s private phone number and lunch; 50 will get you a leisurely afternoon shooting the breeze by the pool with Dave, while Nick Clegg mixes you cocktails; 100 k will give you a romantic candlelit evening with Cameron, and a back-rub from George Osborne; while for a full quarter-mill you get anything and everything you want. And I do mean anything…”

March 24, 2012

“No, we’re not going to fucking Ecobuild” say harassed public sector workers

by articulatedsheep

Responding to a ceaseless tide of publicity material circulated to promote last week’s Ecobuild conference in central London, the UNISON, PCS and GMB unions have issued a joint statement to the conference organisers.

“Our members would like to make it clear,” says the statement, “that no, we do not intend to go to Ecobuild. Yes, we are aware that it is going on. Yes, you have very successfully achieved ‘market penetration with potential delegates’ by putting an insert into every single fucking trade paper and magazine with even a tangential relevance to people involved in sustainable development. Yes, well done for managing to send seemingly billions of marketing e-mails on the subject on an almost hourly basis. Yes, all this has even provoked us, in darker moments, to think, ‘Hmm, maybe we should go to this Ecobuild thing, it sounds quite interesting’, only to suddenly begin to doubt our own sanity.”

“But no. No, we are not going to Ecobuild.”

“Please, fuck off.”

March 24, 2012

New deep-water well west of Shetland “will be absolutely fine” say BP

by articulatedsheep

The Government have granted BP permission to drill for oil in deep waters west of Shetland, having been satisfied by the oil company’s assertion that, “you know, law of averages and everything, how likely is it that the same thing is going to happen again? You know, seriously.”

BP’s detailed submission to Government featured a photograph of an oil-covered sea bird with a big cross through it, above a caption reading “UNLIKELY. WE THINK.”

March 23, 2012

TMB Film: Reviews from the the leading Mayoral candidates

by philapilus
Silent Single 8 Movie Camera

"The talkies" are becoming almost as popular as books or chamber music recitals

Ken: “I’ve just seen Passport to Pimlico – and it’s great!”

First we caught up with ex-Mayor of London, Ken Livingstone to ask him what film has most impressed him recently…

March 23, 2012

Budget: winners and losers

by articulatedsheep

It has been revealed that the big winners in the 2012 Budget will be corpulent plutocrats who frequently wear top hats and smoke huge cigars, while the big losers will be everybody else.

Detailed figures published by the Treasury this morning have set out a full breakdown of measures being put in place by the Chancellor to grind the poor further into the dirt. These include:

-        A £2 billion subsidy for fine champagne for people mentioned in Burke’s Peerage;

-        Free membership of two West End clubs for all sons of the nobility;

-        A cash injection for Britain’s struggling silver-topped walking cane industry;

-        A national rollout of steel-soled boots with which the moneyed elite can stamp on the faces of homeless people while chortling heartily;

-        The reinstatement of the principle of jus prima noctis, which will now allow the directors of all FTSE 100 companies to sleep with any employee on their first day in the job;

-        The construction of a large fleet of entrepreneurial limousines, in which captains of industry will sit in comfort while being conveyed to a variety of agreeable City lunches, insulated from the slow breakdown of civilisation occurring around them.

Mr. Osborne said, “These important measures will help to get Britain moving again.”

March 22, 2012

Comments:

by philapilus
New Zealand Sea Lion

this probably isn't the real Gemini

Since posting guest writer Carol Sarler’s brilliant piece, we have been inundated with your witty, thoughtful posts responding to her words of wisdom. Here are just a few of the ones that were literate enough to be understandable:

Well done to all of you, and keep ‘em coming!

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