Archive for February, 2012

February 29, 2012

Horse-owners needed!! (Advertisement)

by philapilus

Did you know that all around the country, animals are retiring from faithful service for the police force with nowhere to go but the glue factory?

It’s true!

Right now, police dogs, police horses and police stool pigeons that have reached the end of their usefulness are being sold to the people who make Pritt Sticks and UHU. Or if they aren’t of high enough quality for that, some even end up in the factory that produces Asda’s prime lean mince.

BUT HELP IS AT HAND!

PCGG is the only registered charity that exists solely to rehouse used police horses with rich, bent newsmongers and their lackeys.

Take Rebekah Brooks. Allegedly one of the most twisted souls currently plaguing the world, Brooks managed to find it in her heart to take on a retired police horse, saving it from the mincing machines, or – god forbid – ending up in a children’s petting zoo.

But the problem is, there just aren’t enough hateful, amoral, venal ex-journalists coming forward to take on the vast menagerie of animals that the Met are throwing out every month. Those that do selflessly receive free animals from the police, tend to choose the dogs or pigs. Very few people seem to want to look after full-grown horses.

Are you a grasping little shit who writes garbage for a living?

Do you have a spare field?

PCGG needs you!

Why not receive a free, riot-trained police horse? These animals are highly intelligent, and come with a vast skillset; equally capable of smashing a hippy’s skull with their front hoofs, or charging a phalanx of defenceless wheelchair-users.

Don’t look a gift-horse in the mouth! Take one home today!

 

February 29, 2012

More experts enter Falklands fray

by philapilus

Following the intervention of actor-turned International Relations expert Sean Penn, celebrity and self-styled ‘Better-than-Beethoven’ musician, Roger Waters, has also weighed in with his fantastically well-informed views on the Falklands debate.

The ex-bassist for Pink Floyd, a band famously typified by drug-use, insanity and self-absorption, Roger Waters is clearly extremely well-qualified to comment on issues of sovereignty and post-colonial relations and peace-keeping.

Not only did he write ‘The Wall’ (you know, Floyd’s fourteen hour long whinge, the lyrics of which make ‘Ummagumma’ sound like fucking Shakespeare), but reportedly  he also nearly managed to destroy the band with his acrimonious and egomaniacal power-mongering.

February 27, 2012

Margaret Thatcher wins Oscar for portrayal of human being

by philapilus
 
Sea serpent as seen through the port side porthole

At its peak, the Thatcher was more than capable of devouring an industry the size of Scotland every year...

Surprises come as no surprise at the always surprise-ful Oscars, but this year one surprise has actually surprised everyone, surprisingly.

In a move that no-one yet fully understands, Margaret Thatcher has been awarded the Oscar for Best Actress, for her portrayal of an actual female human during her period of office as Prime Minister.

February 23, 2012

Nicolas Cage vs Reality

by unpseudable

Nicolas Cage: scary mask

The usually entirely rational Nicolas Cage has admitted to wearing a voodoo mask on the set of the Ghost Rider sequel. According to the actor, he was worried about “feeling ridiculous”. Sources close to the actor suggest there had been some miscommunication, and what he actually meant was “because he wanted to feel ridiculous”.

During filming, Cage reportedly stayed in character even when he wasn’t being filmed. He stated that it was to ensure that his character was “believable”. An anonymous source on set, however, claimed that he was “definitely successful in making himself less believable. So maybe, you know, by comparison it worked.”

February 23, 2012

Shock as people paid NOT to have fights have a fight

by philapilus
Then the Real Fight Began: a bloody fight erup...

The Strangers' bar at the House of Commons on a typical quiet afternoon

Following TMB’s near-world exclusive story about the out-of-ring brawl between boxers David Haye and Dereck Chisora, we can now reveal details of another unusual fracas.

Labour MP Eric Joyce reportedly physically asaulted Conservative MP Stuart Andrew in the House of Commons Strangers’ bar, late on Wednesday night. According to a trustworthy source, Joyce, dressed in a medieval suit of armour and mounted on a milk-white steed, rode down Andrew, and stove his face in with a morning-star.

February 22, 2012

Livingstone in “bridge to the moon” promise

by articulatedsheep

The race for London mayor is hotting up, as Ken Livingstone has announced

A pint for the person who gets this joke

his transport priorities for the next four years.

If elected as Mayor, Mr. Livingstone has pledged to step up investment in London’s transport infrastructure by:

-        Making the Underground, and London buses, free to use on a permanent basis;

-        Building eighteen new Tube lines, including direct connections to the Paris Metro system and the New York Subway;

-        Building tram lines down every single street and pathway in Greater London.

“No longer will we see Londoners’ money being wasted on expensive vanity projects,” said Livingstone, apparently without any sense of irony. “I make these absolute pledges on which the capital can judge me in 2016. Remember that when I stood for re-elected in 2004 I gave a promise that I would reduce Tube fares? True to my word, I only put them up by 9%. I think that demonstrates that I am a man to be trusted.”

February 22, 2012

1950s midwives more interesting than benefit reform

by articulatedsheep

A survey conducted for TMB has revealed that more people are interested in the fictionalised lives of midwives 60 years ago than in imminent reforms that will see the reintroduction of workhouses, the forced sterilization of anyone earning less than £21,000 per year and the forced removal of crusties and ne’er-do-wells to large prison camps located well away from main centres of population.

The report also shows that people are more interested in following the progress of a tentative love affair between Miranda Hart and a shy policeman than they are in the spiraling cycle of poverty and misery besetting the people who live two doors down from them.

February 21, 2012

Shock as people paid to fight have a fight

by philapilus
 
English: Fight

this has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with violence

The Uk has once again managed to fill the headlines of its godawful newspapers with phrases like “British brutes brawl (a)broad” and “Brit bruiser-boys behave badly” or even “Boxing brats’ break-out battle; backhanded blows beggar belief — both banned by boxing board berhaps?”

Mild-mannered David Haye, and the perfectly gentlemanlike Dereck Chisora, inexplicably had some sort of disagreement at a Press Conference.

February 17, 2012

BREAKING NEWS

by philapilus
English: Broken glass, off Queen's Road, Titan...

The contents of a private memo from Rupert Murdoch to his son, ‘Howling Mad’, have been leaked to the press today. They indicate that if the Sun is forced into closure, Murdoch intends to replace it with a new paper; ‘The News of the World on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday.’

“This time it really will be the worst thing known to man.” Rupert promises.

Allegedly.

February 17, 2012

Apocalypse update: Murdoch visit spells doom for Sun newspaper

by philapilus
 
The Great Red Dragon and the Woman Clothed in Sun

Apparently the overrated, godawful artist who painted this knew what he was talking about after all...

The ongoing apocalypse seems to be ticking along nicely and going according to schedule, with the timely appearance of the prophesied “Foul Beast descending from the Sky, which will tear apart the Sun; lo, and with its wretched bile and falsehoods will harvest the souls of its followers.”

Rupert Murdoch flew in to the UK last night, and today will pay a friendly, morale-boosting visit to the headquarters of the Sun newspaper.

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