Archive for January, 2012

January 31, 2012

Meaningless gesture solves problem

by articulatedsheep

Experts have declared that the annulment of Fred Goodwin’s knighthood means that the global economy has been put back on the path to certain, permanent recovery.

The move – widely praised by the markets – has resulted in united praise for tough, no-nonsense David Cameron, further confirming his reputation as the kind of man who takes the political road less travelled rather than the easy, populist option.

Apparently it is extremely satirical, clever and amusing to call him "Gideon"

Reacting to the news, the FTSE index of 100 leading shares rose by almost 57%, with the Dow rising a more modest, but still impressive, 34%.

Major financial institutions took the opportunity to announce that they had now seen the error of their ways, and were prepared to pay back every penny of the billions of pounds they have borrowed from our government by next Friday “at the very latest”.

“I think that we can all agree,” said an extremely moist Ed Miliband, “that this tough action was exactly what was required. Let’s not forget – this whole mess was caused by Fred “The Shred” and his cabal of evil, greedy bankers. It certainly wasn’t anything to do with successive Governments, starting in the 80s, rolling over onto their backs for the City and creating regulatory regimes that were woefully unfit for purpose.”

“And it certainly wasn’t anything to do with the idiotic and essentially unworkable ‘tripartite’ system of financial regulation set up by Gordon Brown in 1997 which – lest we forget – was co-designed and implemented by none other than my good friend the shadow chancellor, Ed Balls.”

January 31, 2012

Six month old news about bread is “most read” article on BBC News website

by articulatedsheep

In what is understood to be news harbouring the breaking of the sixth seal, an article about bread nomenclature on the BBC News website – which relates to an incident that occurred more than six months ago – is perceived as the most important, relevant and interesting thing to British users of that website, who presumably number in their tens of millions.

The article received significantly more page views than news about a UN

That's neat, that's neat, that's neat, that's neat, I love your tiger feet

debate on the response to a vicious Government crackdown on rebel-controlled areas of Damascus, the death of dozens of people in central and eastern Europe as temperatures plunged below freezing, the sinking of a ship in Turkey with the suspected loss of ten lives and a weird story about a “self-steering bullet”.

January 31, 2012

Apology RE: NATIONAL EMERGENCY INFORMATION #103

by philapilus

The Morning Babel would like to apologise for erroneously publishing the wrong set of guidelines for SCENARIO#103. The guidelines published earlier do not pertain to you. We apologise and accept full responsibility. The guidelines are as follows:

GOVERNMENT EMERGENCY INFORMATION (public):

SCENARIO#103: temperature falling below 0 degrees c.

Do not worry, everything is going to be fine. Try and run on the spot a bit or something. Consider taking an extra blanket to bed. The situation is firmly under control.

January 31, 2012

NATIONAL EMERGENCY INFORMATION #103

by philapilus

As you will be aware by now from Emergency Broadcasts, the country is facing insurmountable crisis as the temperature is set to plummet to as low as -4 this week.

Along with other news-sites, newspapers, radio stations, television channels and sweet-wrappers, The Morning Babel will today be suspending our normal reportage and publishing the Government Guidelines on how to deal with the impending National Emergency.

January 30, 2012

Theresa May’s neighbourly hate-campaign strategy

by philapilus
Quinten Massys - An Old Woman ('The Ugly Duche...

Women are better at things like looking beautiful, not real stuff like politics

Female Home Secretary Theresa May – who is a woman – has proposed a new scheme whereby vindictive curtain-twitchers can band together to target minorities in the community.

The feminine Mrs May’s plan will allow neighbourhoods to gang up on any undesirables, like darkies, benders or Welsh people, without having to go through the whole process of sticking fiery crosses on their lawns or pelting their windows with stones.

“What I think we need,” said Mrs May, probably acting out of raw emotion, rather than rational judgement, “is a situation whereby if you don’t like someone who lives near you, you can find four friends who feel the same and then the five of you can go to the police who will be legally forced to go and terrorise the person or family you dislike. Isn’t that great?”

January 30, 2012

Presscuttings

by philapilus
Men boxer underwear

TMB’s news briefs:

Livingstone’s devastating assault on Miliband:

The ex-Mayor of London launched a genius back-handed assault on the Leader of the Opposition, complimenting him profoundly for being so much  like Margaret Thatcher, and noting that he, Livingstone, personally lauded politicians who are as ugly as fuck and drone on and on and on.

Miliband told comrades he was on his way round to Ken’s house after work to pay a reciprocal compliment to Livingstone with a length of two-by-four, as a way of saying thanks.

January 30, 2012

Pointless squabble over bonus indisputably proves futility of life

by philapilus
Portrait Picture of Tony Benn

We did tell you not to give him Lucozade...

The unremittingly boring wrangle over Stephen Hester’s ridiculous and inappropriate bonus has finally ended, after a weekend during which most thinking people contemplated suicide.

The mock-rage of people over the bonus offered to the Chief Executive of the Royal Bank of Scotland, was matched only by the mock-indifference of other people, while some other people even went for mock-support.

Hester’s proposed private sector-like bonus came as a shock to absolutely no one, despite the fact that RBS is almost entirely now publically owned after the ’08-’09 ‘Year of Bailout Fun’.

January 29, 2012

Happy Mondays to reform

by articulatedsheep

It has been announced that chart-botherers the Happy Mondays are to reform temporarily, before an acrimonious on-stage split some time in the late summer.

Lead singer Shaun Ryder chose to announce the news by taking out a small advertisement in the “Society” column of the Sunday Telegraph.

Geeeeeeezer!

“Me and the rest of the chaps bumped into each other at Glyndebourne last year,” Ryder said in an interview with The Lady. “Paul and I had been talking about reforming the band ever since he went down with Lehman’s, and Gary and Bez were touring as part of a four-piece classical guitar troupe. All of us got a little bit the worse for wear on gin slings and the next morning I woke up with an almighty headache and thought to myself, ‘Bloody hell, we’re going to bloody do this!’”.

“They really are top, top blokes.” Ryder added.

January 29, 2012

Canal locks “the new crack”, say experts

by articulatedsheep

Following the assembly yesterday of 3,500 people at a set of canal locks in West Yorkshire, experts are re-assessing the very basis of contemporary culture.

“For too long,” said commentator Charles Tyson Yerkes, “we have assumed that people aspired to the glamorous lifestyles of the rich and famous, as showcased in the TV series, “The Only Way is Essex”, “Geordie Shore” and “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air””.

“It now appears that the cultural touchstone of 2012 is, in fact, Fred Dibnah.”

January 29, 2012

Sunday supplement: the TMB guide to homebuying

by articulatedsheep

Our fundamentally empty and meaningless lifestyles, fuelled by pointless consumerism, demand that we acquire more and more baubles and trinkets to somehow distract us from the gnawing self-doubt and crippling loneliness that saps at the heart of our very being, and to use up what fleeting time we have left until we all, inevitably, die and are quickly forgotten by an amoral world.

At some point in your dull and futile existence, you will find that you have too much stuff to fit comfortably in your existing living space, and you will probably decide, with the crushing inevitability that comes with recognising that all your childhood dreams will soon be extinguished, if they haven’t been already, that you will need to buy a house.

What is the best way to go about this tawdry process? Read our simple cut out ‘n’ keep guide to getting you the house you always dreamed of – assuming that you have always dreamed of owning a small two-bed semi somewhere on the outskirts of Letchworth with relatively easy access to the A1(M)!

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