August 4, 2015

Calais migrants “have not yet unleashed armageddon” say experts

by philapilus

“fucking immigrants”

Analysts confirmed this morning that the South East of England has not yet descended into apocalyptic destruction and horror, despite the fact that a few thousand poor bastards are still trying to get across from Calais.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough School of Reading Stuff, said “Even though the newspapers are saying that the Calais hopefuls have instigated the end times by climbing over a fence, we went and checked and Kent has completely failed to subside into the broiling maw of the sea, contra all expectations. In fact the Continue reading

July 31, 2015

Walter Palmer “unrepentant” after killing trophy patients

by philapilus

Just say ‘aahhhhAAARRRGGHHHHHNOPLEASENODON’TSHOOT!’

Dentist Walter Palmer has admitted he has “no intention of ceasing to blow the living fuck out of big game animals” after reports that he hunted down and shot several of his patients.

The Minnesota tooth-wrangler shot Zimbabwe’s most famous lion, Cecil, on a hunting trip after the creature was lured out of its reservation.

But, bloodlust unsated, Palmer returned to the States, put on his pith helmet, and went on another big game spree, killing three of his patients, an ice cream vendor, four squirrels, a cat, and a goldfish, using a minigun and several sticks of  Continue reading

July 28, 2015

Breaking the law “fine if you don’t know you’re doing it” says Boris

by philapilus

He used the same excuse when he murdered those gypsies too

Bungling London mayor Boris Johnson has defended giving his wife a ‘backie’ on his bike, saying that “Breaking the law doesn’t count unless you are fully aware you are doing something illegal.”

After being filmed carrying his wife on the back of his bicycle, Boris was said to be angered that people were accusing him of breaking the law, telling reporters “Bloody ridiculous, how can you break a law if you don’t even know it’s a law?!

“You couldn’t break a, you know, a – a thing for flowers, thing with flowers in, vase, that’s it, vase! You couldn’t break one of those without knowing it was a…hang on. No that’s not the same, is it?

“But you Continue reading

July 24, 2015

“F***witted morons are my biggest frustration” says Obama

by philapilus

“Seriously, what the fuck am I meant to do with them?”

Barack Obama has said that his biggest frustration as President has been “the fact that so many Americans are fucking morons when it comes to deadly weapons.”

The US president, speaking on the eve of a trip to Africa added that he felt “the impossibility of getting many of these tubby fuckwits to realise that actual guns with actual bullets are responsible for thousands of deaths a year is inordinately depressing.

“They appear to think that guns are actually sort of like a limb, or major organ, without which they couldn’t survive. I have tried to persuade them otherwise, but sometimes it’s tricky to find enough words that they actually understand.”

Having been Continue reading

July 21, 2015

Rob Wilson MP defends 1 1/2p claim for breathing

by philapilus

“You’d be amazed how much shit comes out of me every day” said Wilson

Conservative MP Rob Wilson has lashed out at critics for drawing attention to small expenses claims he has made for driving 350 yards, riding his bicycle, and breathing.

The Member for Reading East said that “As a public servant my every waking moment is spent serving the public. Therefore everything I do during those working moments should be paid for by the public. And as I only receive a salary for my MP work, I see nothing wrong in claiming everything else on expenses.”

His most regular claims revealed by IPSA include: breathing, at 1 1/2p per breath; getting dressed, at 11p per day (13p if it’s a weekend); peeing, at 3p per 200ml; and Continue reading

July 20, 2015

Queen “not a Nazi”, unlike most of her family

by philapilus

The Duke of Windsor making new friends

Buckingham Palace has responded angrily to the release of footage of the young Princess Elizabeth giving a Nazi salute in 1933, saying that the Queen is no fascist, even if the rest of the family are.Sir Percy Spoke, Keeper of the Queen’s Loo-roll said “Her Majesty deplores Hitler, National Socialism, the Holocaust, and all of the horrors of Nazi rule. Making a silly gesture as a seven-year-old does not equate to any sort of ideological support.

“It’s not like she’s Edward VIII, Prince Philip, Prince Harry, Prin- actually hang on, can we just back up a second? You didn’t record that last bit did you? Oh shit.”

Despite Continue reading

July 17, 2015

Tim Farron to lead small remainder of Lib Dem party

by philapilus

The future Prime Minister/store manager of a branch of Greggs

Tim Farron has defeated opponent Norman Lamb to become the new leader of the Liberal Democrats after winning no fewer than 19 of the 33 votes cast.

Farron assembled the entire party in a village church hall, where he apologised that the premises were too spacious before praising the ‘new army’ of Lib Dem supporters. He explained that 17 people had joined the party since the general election, bringing the total number of party supporters to an impressive 56

“17 is just a massive number,” said Farron. “It’s much bigger than 11, bigger even than 15, and only slightly less than Continue reading

July 16, 2015

Trade Unions not really necessary anymore, says government

by philapilus

None of these people brought the mandatory armadillo which would have made the strike legal, so they were all thrown off Beachy Head

The government has said that its plans to change the way Trade Unions vote on strikes are in no way an assault on workers’ rights because “workers already have everything they want”.

Business Secretary Sajid Javid said “All those people who are saying that this will make legal strikes impossible are overlooking the fact that no one really wants to strike anymore. We’ve fixed pretty much everything, and everyone is happy.

“What we need is a country that works for working people who work at the right kind of work and don’t work with other workers to Continue reading

July 13, 2015

News briefs: “England’s my bitch now ” says Sturgeon

by philapilus

Sturgeon was last seen heading to Westminster in her Ministerial transport

The First Minister of Scotland has said that if England thinks it can decide anything by itself it is “very much fucking mistaken”, after hearing proposals that would allow only English MPs to vote on legislation applicable only to England.

Sturgeon said “I don’t care if Continue reading

July 12, 2015

John Major “surprised but delighted” after Wimbledon victory

by philapilus

Sheer class

Sir John Major has said he is “surprised – delighted but surprised!” after beating Novak Djokovic to win Wimbledon yesterday.

The 72 year old former Prime Minister, who beat the 28 year old defending champion in 4 sets, said “I didn’t know I had it in me! To be honest it’s the first time I’d picked up a racket since school.”

To the surprise of many pundits, the racket Major used was in fact the old school racket mentioned, a vintage wooden affair – certainly a strange choice against Djokovic’s Continue reading

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