November 30, 2015

Grant Shapps “definitely not fed into woodchipper”, says PM

by philapilus

What, this old thing? No we just keep that for…um…in case a large tree blocks the road.

Number 10 have robustly denied allegations that senior tories were seen pushing the body of former government minister Grant Shapps through a woodchipper.

A statement this morning said that “No one would dream of pulping his bloodied remains onto a large tarpaulin which could then be emptied over a fast-flowing section of the Thames.

“All allegations to the contrary are completely unfounded, and Shapps is definitely alive and well. Look, here’s a note he wrote, it says ‘Hi everyone, I’m totally fine, best Continue reading

November 26, 2015

Osborne fails to complete wall on live TV

by philapilus

Presumably the chancellor’s catchphrase about finishing the job doesn’t apply in any concrete way

George Osborne has been criticised after doing a very half-assed bit of bricklaying which was caught by BBC cameras.

Journalists had tracked down the chancellor on a building site, where he spoke about the Spending Review and the economy, whilst working on a wall.

But to the nation’s surprise, after making his statement the chancellor downed his trowel, took off his helmet and hi-vis jacket, and Continue reading

November 24, 2015

Turkish downing of Russian jet leads to pause for reflection

by philapilus

He’ll probably just tell Turkey that it’s no big deal, accidents happen, and not to worry about it

The shooting down of a Russian warplane by Turkish jets has inadvertently brought about an international detente, after major powers agreed that things were clearly out of hand.

President Putin said “This has given me pause to reflect and to think about all kinds of things in a calm and measured way.

“For instance, I am now wondering whether we should be less belligerent in our testing of other nation’s borders, and also Continue reading

November 23, 2015

EXCLUSIVE POLL! 1 in 5 writers for The Sun would DROWN A DOG!

by unpseudable

Tom Newton Dunn, Political Editor of The Sun wants to DROWN THIS DOG*

An exclusive TMB poll of current writers for The Sun newspaper has revealed that a shocking 19% would voluntarily drown a dog.

Furthermore, a shocking 38% of respondents said yes they would ‘probably’ or ‘definitely’ burn every tree on the planet.

Ethics guru, Gary Uru responded to these shocking statistics. “These shocking statistics reveal the depth to which those on the payroll of The Sun might hypothetically sink.  Well, we always knew that people who wrote for the paper had more in common with the cockroach than you or me, Continue reading

November 23, 2015

IS in shock as Paris attacks fail to establish world-wide caliphate

by philapilus

Interestingly not designed by someone who thought batshit-mad medieval edicts and fictional super-powered friends were the be-all and end-all of human endeavour

Leaked documents have revealed that IS is completely flummoxed over why the whole world hasn’t seen how brilliant Islamism is, in the wake of its latest attack.

Intelligence analysts intercepted communiques in which senior IS members admit to one another their shock and confusion at not being invited to rule the globe.

Leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi asked aides “Why aren’t I running things yet? After our slaughtering of a Continue reading

November 9, 2015

Fappers of the fortnight: Philip Davies MP MP and Alistair Burt MP MP MP

by philapilus

What an odious little shit

Proposed by:

Winnie the Pooh

Proposed for:

Pooh says: “Whether it is filibustering proposals to curb exploitative landlords, blocking a bill to reduce hospital parking charges for carers, or generally cackling maniacally, Philip Davies MP can be relied upon to talk out of his arse for as long as it takes to get the job done.  Or rather, to avoid jobs getting done.

“But hot on his heels this week is Alistair Burt, tory health minister and Continue reading

November 4, 2015

Hard Rock Cafe not very ‘rock’ at all

by philapilus
File:Black Converse sneakers.JPG

Worn by none other than the girl who cleaned the toilets after not one, but TWO Radiohead gigs

A couple who visited a Hard Rock Cafe yesterday have said they are “extremely surprised at how unrock the place was”.

Tim Twanks from Swindon said “I was kind of expecting it to be like a rock concert, only in a cafe.

“It wasn’t.

“Then I Continue reading

October 29, 2015

Tories warn women: “Stop bleeding everywhere”

by philapilus

Perfect with caviar and a nice brandy

After defeating  a motion to remove the so-called ‘tampon tax’, the Conservative party has reminded women everywhere that bleeding once a month is a luxury and called upon the female population to “just stop menstruating”.

Treasury spokesperson Percy Spoke said “Women need to remember that the whole period thing is basically just one long self-indulgent pampering session enjoyed monthly.

“This whining about the cost of tampons is Continue reading

October 27, 2015

GP receptionists “not actually in charge”

by philapilus

This could never, ever happen in real life

A new study commissioned by the NHS has returned the shocking finding that doctors’ receptionists are just phone-droids who do not actually run the whole show, despite what they believe.

The study casts doubt on the legitimacy of the officious men and women who have to be cajoled and pleaded with for quarter of an hour before they will huffily get you an appointment at the most inconvenient time possible.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, author of the report, said “Anyone approaching the front desk in a surgery could be forgiven for Continue reading

October 27, 2015

Assassin’s Creed Syndicate features man falling over a lot

by philapilus

Moments later he falls down an open manhole

The new Assassin’s Creed has been praised for its dedication to realism, after players discovered that most of the game involves tripping over things and falling into gutters, because of the debilitating hood.

This has been hailed as a bold departure from previous games, which have seen characters perform amazing feats of derring-do and skullduggery, despite having all the field of vision of a mole wrapped up in a sock and then smashed against a wall till it loses consciousness.

AC obsessive Tim Twanks said “I have always wondered how Continue reading


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