July 7, 2015

Daily Mail to make official policy decisions on terrorism

by philapilus

The Daily Mail: literally never wrong, nor batshit mad

It has been announced that the Daily Mail will be allowed to make key decisions regarding the fate of British Jihadis, after the former head of counter-terrorism said he thought their ideas were “on the money”.

Robert Quick said “I was working through the policy implications of letting homegrown Islamists join IS provided they agree never to come back, when I suddenly realised that I was basically quoting a Daily Mail article by John Littlerick, saying we should ‘bloody well send ’em out there and good riddance’.

“I started to look through back issues, and found pretty much the same thing had been expressed on every page for a decade. Ever since 7/7 Britain’s meanest-minded journalists have encouraged everyone to think we should stick the towelheads on a plane, then tell them to fuck off and not Continue reading

July 2, 2015

England’s male team hugely relieved at Lionesses loss

by philapilus

“What a pity” said men, opening the champagne.

Everyone in the country involved in men’s football has breathed a huge collective sigh of relief, after Laura Bassett’s own goal saw the women’s team knocked out of the World Cup.

Manager Roy Hodgson said “Shit that was close! What a stroke of luck; we would have looked like complete incompetents if the girls had got through to the final – something we haven’t achieved since the early days of the Cold War.

“Um, I mean, what a pity that they’ve been knocked out. We were rooting for them all the way.

“Speaking on Continue reading

June 30, 2015

UK sends bit of fence to France

by philapilus

“Fortunately fences are impossible to break, or indeed to scale” said Brokenshire

The UK government has announced it will send the National Barrier Asset to Calais, to help desperate authorities there cope with the scale of migrants trying to enter Britain illegally.

The National Barrier Asset was developed in the aftermath of terrorist attacks and has been described with glowing reverence by the Ministry of Defence as ‘a really quite long bit of fence’.

Immigration minister, James Brokenshire, said “A shorter bit of the long bit of fence will be sent to France and deployed at their end of the Eurotunnel, to show just Continue reading

June 30, 2015

“Glastonbury gone all corporate for booking Kanye” says man who paid £230 for ticket

by philapilus

Not Crosby, Stills or Nash

Festival goer Tim Twanks has accused Glastonbury of “failing to live up to its hippy credentials”, adding that when he paid £230 for a ticket he hadn’t for one minute expected that the festival was a remotely commercial enterprise.

Twanks returned to work this morning and told colleagues that an appearance by Kanye West had ruined his weekend and permanently undermined Gastonbury’s credibility as far as he was concerned.

“Free love, temporary tattoos, and £15.50 bottles of water is what I Continue reading

June 28, 2015

“ISIS delighted by gay marriage verdict” says CNN

by philapilus

CNN also revealed this ISIS cell “taking time out from its busy programme of repression and violence to celebrate hot man-on-man action”

CNN has said ISIS is “completely thrilled” by the US Supreme Court’s decision to legalise gay marriage nationwide.

The revelation came after star correspondent Lucy Pawle reported spotting the fundamentalist religious organisation’s flag at a gay pride event in London.

A spokesman for CNN said “I know you’re all probably quite surprised by this, but ISIS are huge fans of gay marriage. Or ‘marriage’ as we should all just get used to calling it.

“Yeah, ISIS are kind of Continue reading

June 24, 2015

Britain’s Got Talent screened to migrants at Calais as deterrent

by philapilus

Guaranteed to cut immigration down to the low levels Britain enjoyed when Beadle’s About was on the telly

The government has announced mass screenings of Britain’s Got Talent in Calais, as an ’emergency deterrent’ to the migrants trying to force their way on to vehicles bound for Britain.

As strikes brought traffic on the French side of the tunnel to a standstill, hundreds of migrants massed and tried to board stationary lorries and even force their way into family cars.

Immigration minister James Brokenshire said “These poor fools don’t realise that whilst Britain’s welfare system is relatively attractive, these isles are a cultural wasteland of despair. Exposure to Britain’s Got Talent is an excellent way of Continue reading

June 24, 2015

Queen ‘to move into a Travelodge’

by philapilus

It’s thought she might change her mind when she actually sees one

The Royal Household has today said it is looking into the option of putting the Queen up at a Travelodge whilst extensive repairs to Buckingham Palace take place.

According to contractors the maintenance work, expected to cost £150m, will require the palace to be vacated because “Prince Philip can’t be trusted not to open fire on Polish builders.”

The Queen’s suggestion that she be put up at the Ritz however was vetoed, after the Continue reading

June 23, 2015

Mark Cavendish shock revelation: ‘sprint cycling is not like going bowling’

by philapilus

“Not much like changing into your pyjamas either” explains Cavendish

Sprint cyclist Mark Cavendish has blown the lid off the secretive world of the sport, after dropping the bombshell that “Cycling’s not similar to chess, ten-pin bowling, sumo wrestling or juggling in any way whatsoever – it’s actually quite unique.”

The world champion offered these important insights in an interview with the BBC – a major journalistic coup for the organisation, as until now everyone had imagined cycling was a bit like putting up shelves, or maybe cooking a risotto.

BBC spokesperson Percy Spoke said “It’s extraordinary. Cavendish has revealed the arcane secrets of the sport, and explained that when you’re on the saddle, you sort of push the pedals, they Continue reading

June 19, 2015

Government ends austerity due to protest march

by philapilus
george-osborne-trade-mission | by Chingster23

“Just to show how sorry I am, there’ll be one of these stuffed full of cash for everyone”

George Osborne will today officially announce the end of the Conservative austerity programme, after the government learned of an impending demonstration organised by The Peoples Assembly Against Austerity.

Mr Osborne said “We knew that austerity wasn’t popular, but I don’t think any of us realised how unpopular it truly was. I mean, these people are going to actually do a protest march tomorrow. They’re not going to sit around reading the papers and having a late brunch, they’re going to march with their actual feet; that’s how strongly they feel about it.

“I’m just really sorry that Continue reading

June 18, 2015

Labour candidates promise paperclips and Fanta

by philapilus

The 1926 General Strike was Corbyn’s first venture into the world of politics

The candidates for the Labour leadership engaged in a TV debate in Nuneaton yesterday, unleashing a fierce battle of ideological one-upmanship.

Although pundits had predicted little in the way of substance or policy, the four hopefuls exceeded expectations and laid out their candidacies with firm strategy.

Liz Kendall offered “A Britain that has many, many more paperclips available, not just in our offices but in our schools, our townhalls, and even Continue reading

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