May 21, 2015
She’s got it going on
It has emerged this morning that, much to your shame, your parents are now considered to be the epitome of cool.
After that suede skirt of your mum’s (which she bought in M&S in 1973) took the fashion world by storm, it was decided that from now on all new designs would be run past her sharp, commercial eye.
Simultaneously, the news that your father’s Dad Bod is now the very definition of sexy has had hordes of fashionistas following him round, recording his ill-advised diet, lack of exercise regime and dress-sense, for the purposes of Continue reading
May 21, 2015
Deeply fond of culture
Islamic State militants announced today that they would be taking over the curating and preservation of the UNESCO World Heritage Site of Palmyra, the ruins of which are amongst the most important in the ancient world.
The IS spokesman for antiquities, Abdul ‘the beheader’ Aziz, said “People think that all we do is go around barbarically destroying anything that doesn’t fit a very specific and medieval version of Islam. But that’s not true.
“For instance, as an archaeologist, I am fascinated by the Temple of Bel, even if it is a place of heathen worship, and… oh hang on, sorry, I think that explosion was probably the temple. Well, to be fair, we probably had to do that one.
“But just look at all the Continue reading
May 20, 2015
“Well now, dis is a bit o’ a gamechanger, so it is”
It has emerged that the Prince of Wales and the leader of Sinn Fein seem to have had their minds transposed into one another’s bodies, during yesterday’s historic handshake.
An aide to Prince Charles said his suspicions were aroused when the Prince made a series of “extremely worrying” phone calls last night, in a thick Irish accent, during which he uttered several apparently coded statements such as ‘Big Fish has reached the Blarney Stone’ and ‘the Guinness has a potato in, Operation Shamrock is a Go’.
Associates of Gerry Adams had also noticed something was amiss when he failed to attend “a certain meeting at midnight in a carpark”, and was instead “found in a field poshly lecturing a plot of lettuces about Continue reading
May 19, 2015
Lock up your daughters
Nineteen people have been killed and more than 100 arrested, after a vicious gun-battle between rival Segway gangs in Texas.
Police confirmed that opposing factions, the Gadget-addicts and the Green-businessmen Gang, met in a large Walmart carpark to settle a turf dispute. An ensuing gun-battle between hundreds of Segwayers was described by witnesses as “All out war”.
Police chief Randy Fukwizc said “The Segwayers chose the Continue reading
May 18, 2015
“There’s probably four grand in that one”
David Cameron has insisted today that the Conservatives will meet their pre-election pledges on NHS funding because “there’s bound to be shitloads of cash down the back of hospital sofas.”
The prime minister said “Look, you know how it is, you sit down and maybe 20p rolls out of your pocket, gets stuck between the cushions, and you don’t find it till months later when you strip the cushions off to make a fort.
“Well imagine that for every sofa in every hospital, but then Continue reading
May 18, 2015
SO much more fun if you know you’re likely to crack your head open at the bottom
Well, just got here today, and the prospects seemed really exciting. It’s no Yosemite, but it is very high up.
First thing I did was scale the pearly gates, which is quite hard as there’s not much grip on pearl. Was ace, although this bearded dude kept jangling his keys and shouting at me to come down and walk in like everyone else. I was like ‘No way dude!’
So I got inside, and there’s Continue reading
May 14, 2015
Just look at those eyes – it can’t wait to sink its fangs into a kangaroo’s jugular
Barnaby Joyce, Australian agricultural minister, is on a mission to personally murder the dogs belonging to Johnny Depp, according to the British media.
Depp took his dogs on his private jet when he flew in to Australia last month, to film ‘Pirates of the Caribbean 37: Now it’s just getting stupid’. Crucially however, he neglected to declare he was bringing in the animals.
Joyce said “That bloody Depp’s got to pay! I’m going to string those dogs up by the bollocks, and slit ’em down the front with a blunt knife, then chuck the entrails on a barby and Continue reading
May 13, 2015
They’re a sorry bunch, but just remember: it could be so SO much worse
Following Ed Miliband’s disastrous defeat last week, we bring you an update on all the candidates who have thrown their hats into the ring for the leadership of the Labour party.
Chuka Umunna: Umunna has really won over the youth vote, with his description of West End nightclubbers as ‘trash’. He has been described as the British Barack Obama, not because he resembles the American president, nor has similar politics, but largely because white people can’t name any other black political figures.
Joseph Stalin: Often described as being ‘hard left’, Stalin has vowed to Continue reading
May 11, 2015
Eric Pickles will be the new moon
As David Cameron continues to form his new cabinet, we bring you the lowdown on the ministers already appointed:
Prime Minister: Boris Johnson
In a surprise move, David Cameron has decided to make Johnson the head of his new government, though the role will only apply during the night-time when no one is looking. Boris will also take over David’s marital obligations to Samantha
Home Secretary: Michael Gove/Theresa May
The new government’s first cabinet meeting will feature a bloody death-match between these two ministers, who have each demanded the opportunity to stick and disembowel the other like a squealing pig. The victor will Continue reading