October 20, 2014
‘Don’t you think you might just be milking this whole thing a bit, to try and get some attention?’
The Treasury has said it is deeply concerned by a report which claims perinatal women suffering mental ill-health are costing the economy £8bn.
The report says that pregnant women and new mothers who are not getting adequate mental healthcare, put a strain on NHS resources, and negatively impact the economy through a loss of earnings.
The chancellor George Osborne said “This is absolutely unacceptable. We need to Continue reading
October 17, 2014
‘Good f*cking riddance…’
The number of shops actively trying to get rid of customers has increased dramatically in the last three months, according to a new report by the Slough Centre for Commerce Relations.
Professor Hamish McEyebrau, the report’s author, said “Just over the last few days we’ve seen a lesbian couple ejected from Sainsbury’s for kissing, a blind Continue reading
October 16, 2014
“You should bet your house and family on Black 17″ said John Humphreys this morning on the Today programme
The BBC has announced that it will be expanding its advice to gamblers, from simple horse tips to how to locate the really full-on poker games where you can lose all your fingers.
BBC Spokesperson, Percy Spoke, said “Whilst we have always provided an admirable information service for those who fancy a ‘flutter’ on the horses, we have never really reached out to the other gambling communities.
“The Continue reading
October 13, 2014
Honestly Chancellor, me old mate; £255 is a fair price, and you won’t find anyone willing to offer more on a quick turnaround…”
George Osborne has instructed the Treasury to ask Cash Converters if they would be interested in taking the Eurostar off his hands.
The Chancellor announced this morning that he wants to try and cash-in the UK’s 40% of shares in the lucrative high-speed rail-link “For a quick fistful of folding money, to get the loansharks off my back. Know what I mean?”
The government’s plan to asset-strip the public Continue reading
October 13, 2014
“Can we fix it? Welllllll I dunno; not sure if I can get the parts, and I’m fully booked up till February now”
Mattel has announced a redesign of its Hit Entertainment character, Bob the Builder, causing an outcry amongst the franchise’s wide fanbase.
The new incarnation sees Bob’s physique – specifically his oversized, melon-like head and scrunched up little body – redesigned to more realistic proportions, and then covered in poor-quality tattoos.
Mattel say Bob will also sport “a deep-arse cleavage, and will Continue reading
October 10, 2014
An artist’s impression of conditions inside the cordoned-off constituency
After Clacton elected Douglas Carswell as the UK Independence Party’s first MP yesterday, the Essex constituency has been put under enforced medical quarantine.
Doctor Professor Sir Mike Ock, the UK’s Chief Medical Officer, said today “The sudden outbreak of insanity which has gripped Clacton is unprecedented and extremely disturbing. We don’t know whether this is a disease, a virus, evidence of some sort of parasite – all we can say for certain is that the results are catastrophic.”
The army has Continue reading
October 10, 2014
Official state media released this picture of “the Supreme Leader hard at work”, on what is thought to be the country’s only computer
After a period of several weeks during which Kim Jong-un has been noticeably absent, Pyongyang has ended speculation as to his whereabouts by revealing the exciting news that the Supreme Leader has succeeded in achieving invisibility.
The capacity to completely disappear, long a feature of myth, fantasy and legend, became a scientific project in Continue reading
October 10, 2014
Upright bath, toilet, washing machine, and place to pass out, all rolled into one
A campaign at the University of East Anglia is encouraging students to pee in the shower to save water, but to draw the line at defecating down the plughole.
Student Samantha Furcup said “Our campaign began with the concept of saving water, and raising awareness of Continue reading
October 9, 2014
The judges singled out Major’s ‘Maastricht Muffins’ as one of this year’s highlights
Sir John Major said he was “surprised but delighted” after his victory in yesterday’s final of the 2014 Great British Bake Off.
Judges Mary Berry and Paul Hollywood agreed that the former Conservative prime minister had been “Ahead of the competition from the start.
“His technique and Continue reading
October 8, 2014
The dour, miserabilist Scot, Private Frazer, will be played by Alex Salmond, who has been whining ‘We’re doomed!’ over and over for a couple of weeks now
An all-star cast has been announced for the big-screen remake of Dad’s Army, ending months of excited speculation.
Director Oliver Parker said “The feel of the classic sitcom, which followed the comedic mishaps of elderly Home Guard recruits in WW2, will permeate the new film, and our cast reflects that.
“The lead part of Continue reading