September 19, 2014

Defeated Salmond to be dragged through streets in victory parade

by philapilus

The No campaign’s brilliant ‘Trojan Horse’ subterfuge involved getting a bunch of hypocritical non-resident celebrities, like Sean Connery, to come out in favour of independence. The principles of reverse psychology did the rest.

David Cameron will today chain the body of vanquished foe Alex Salmond to the back of a Nissan Micra, and then drag it around Edinburgh – just like Achilles did with Hector at Troy.

The defeat of the Yes campaign in yesterday’s referendum marks the end of the SNP’s dreams for independence, and the crushing of the First Minister’s long-held ambition to crown himself King of Scotland.

In a press statement this morning Continue reading

September 18, 2014

Scottish referendum: what they’re saying

by philapilus
File:Scotland map.png

If they vote yes, can we just dig a trench along the border and push them into the Atlantic Ocean?

Voters are flocking to the polling stations today, as the referendum on Scottish independence is finally under way.

During the nerve-biting, nail-wracking wait for tomorrow morning’s results, TMB brings you a round-up of what the great, the good, and the twattish are saying.

David Cameron: Voting yes would be a terrible mistake. Especially as we know where all of you live. You’re on our list, folks. Literally. We have Continue reading

September 16, 2014

Some vote or something going on in Scotland…?

by philapilus

“Is this their flag? I think this is their flag…”

People throughout the UK have been surprised to learn this lunchtime that there is going to be some kind of referendum or something taking place in Scotland – apparently really quite soon.

The ‘Scottish vote’ was first mentioned this morning on local radio in Torquay, during a phone-in session about the drawbacks of catsitting, but has gradually been picked up by the main news organs during the course of the morning.

The three main UK political parties and the Scottish National Party all admitted they were not in a position to comment on the forthcoming vote, because none of them could quite remember anything about it.

But the Continue reading

September 16, 2014

Apple unveil ‘U2-removal tool’ to seek out and destroy bandmembers

by philapilus

How to dismantle an atonal Bono

Following the general panic and devastation unleashed by the U2 covert weapon recently, Apple has released a new tool to help customers get rid of the troublesome band.

A ‘one-click removal button’ gives users the power – with a simple deft flick of the finger – to send Apple donations towards a fleet of deadly iDrones.

A spokesperson for the technology giant said “Once enough people have clicked and the funds are in, we will purchase and then re-brand USAF drones, paint them white, and then send them out to hunt down and Continue reading

September 12, 2014

Deadly U2 virus unleashed on iTunes

by philapilus

Terrorising our children for decades

Software-virus experts continue to work around the clock to try and undo the damage caused yesterday when sound-terrorists U2 unleashed their new weapon on untold numbers of innocent people.

Disguised as an album of ‘music’, the torture implement suddenly appeared, without warning, amongst the files of every iTunes user in the world.

Scotland Yard’s chief anti-terrorist expert, PC McGarry No. 452, said “People everywhere are in shock, hospitalised – many are just plain dead. We will be Continue reading

September 12, 2014

Humanity at ‘infinite monkeys stage’ as Chinese student dies jerking off

by philapilus

It’s because three out of every four sperm are destined to create morons, and the fourth is just cursed.

After the news that a Chinese student had died choking his chicken, experts have agreed that “There is now nothing you could possibly think of – no matter how ridiculous – that hasn’t happened already, or won’t happen soon, to someone somewhere in the world”.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau and his team of probability analysts at the Slough School of What The Fuck, have been closely monitoring humanity’s activities, waiting for what they called the Quadruple-M – the fabled ‘many, many monkeys moment’.

They announced today that the porn-induced heart attack suffered by a student whilst donating sperm marked the arrival of Continue reading

September 11, 2014

Prime Minister arrives in Scotland with puppy and some kittens

by philapilus

The Scottish families visited by the politicians and their animal chums said “Wuv nae had such gud meeet since the Graet Glasgie rat plague o’ 2012.”

David Cameron, Ed Miliband, and poor little Nick Clegg, arrived in Scotland yesterday with a selection of small, cute animals, with which they hope to emotionally sway the country into staying within the UK.

The last ditch attempt by the two main party leaders and Cameron’s footstool, saw the three men travelling from town to town, holding up their little furry friends, and pleading with the Scots to “Have a heart.” Cameron, holding two Continue reading

September 10, 2014

“Great day for prejudice” as Jack the Ripper identified as Jewish foreigner

by philapilus
"No, no, NO! He had a great big hooked nose, fingerless gloves, and those weird twists of pubic hair on either side of his face"

“No, no, NO! He had a great big hooked nose, fingerless gloves, and those weird twists of pubic hair on either side of his face”

Across the UK, bigots, xenophobes and racists (so pretty much everyone) were delighted this week, after the Daily Mail announced new evidence which “proves definitively that Jack the Ripper was a Polish Jew”.

Delighted Ripperologists said it was “finally time to break out the flaming torches and go get them stinking Hebes.”

Tim Twanks, a current Whitechapel resident, said “After more than a century of the liberal curtailing of prejudice, and improved education, it turns out the blindly bigoted, squawking, anti-Semitic British public were right all along

“So now we Continue reading

September 8, 2014

Britain “Completely fine with austerity if it means we’re like Downton”

by philapilus

“I will work for free if you let me touch the building – even if its only the outside”

Frances O’Grady’s attempt to rouse the British masses against rising inequality has backfired, after the TUC leader warned Britain was becoming like Downton Abbey – at which point the whole country said “Well that’s all right then!”

Unemployed builder Tim Twanks said “I’ve been fucking mad about the social unfairness and the divide between rich and poor since I lost my job. But I hadn’t twigged it was all just like it is in Downton. Now I feel quite upbeat about the whole thing.

“My daily financial misery is Continue reading

September 8, 2014

Hawking warns “angry God particle could destroy the universe”

by philapilus

“Fucking bring back Bagpuss. NOW!”

Renowned physicist and DJ Stephen Hawking has said that despite previous declarations by many in the scientific community “God does in fact exist.”

He added however that the Almighty “is a tiny, very angry particle, capable of destroying all of space and time on a vengeful whim.”

In his Continue reading

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