November 24, 2015
He’ll probably just tell Turkey that it’s no big deal, accidents happen, and not to worry about it
The shooting down of a Russian warplane by Turkish jets has inadvertently brought about an international detente, after major powers agreed that things were clearly out of hand.
President Putin said “This has given me pause to reflect and to think about all kinds of things in a calm and measured way.
“For instance, I am now wondering whether we should be less belligerent in our testing of other nation’s borders, and also Continue reading
November 23, 2015
Tom Newton Dunn, Political Editor of The Sun wants to DROWN THIS DOG*
An exclusive TMB poll of current writers for The Sun newspaper has revealed that a shocking 19% would voluntarily drown a dog.
Furthermore, a shocking 38% of respondents said yes they would ‘probably’ or ‘definitely’ burn every tree on the planet.
Ethics guru, Gary Uru responded to these shocking statistics. “These shocking statistics reveal the depth to which those on the payroll of The Sun might hypothetically sink. Well, we always knew that people who wrote for the paper had more in common with the cockroach than you or me, Continue reading
November 23, 2015
Interestingly not designed by someone who thought batshit-mad medieval edicts and fictional super-powered friends were the be-all and end-all of human endeavour
Leaked documents have revealed that IS is completely flummoxed over why the whole world hasn’t seen how brilliant Islamism is, in the wake of its latest attack.
Intelligence analysts intercepted communiques in which senior IS members admit to one another their shock and confusion at not being invited to rule the globe.
Leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi asked aides “Why aren’t I running things yet? After our slaughtering of a Continue reading
November 9, 2015
What an odious little shit
Winnie the Pooh
Pooh says: “Whether it is filibustering proposals to curb exploitative landlords, blocking a bill to reduce hospital parking charges for carers, or generally cackling maniacally, Philip Davies MP can be relied upon to talk out of his arse for as long as it takes to get the job done. Or rather, to avoid jobs getting done.
“But hot on his heels this week is Alistair Burt, tory health minister and Continue reading
November 4, 2015
Worn by none other than the girl who cleaned the toilets after not one, but TWO Radiohead gigs
A couple who visited a Hard Rock Cafe yesterday have said they are “extremely surprised at how unrock the place was”.
Tim Twanks from Swindon said “I was kind of expecting it to be like a rock concert, only in a cafe.
“Then I Continue reading
October 29, 2015
Perfect with caviar and a nice brandy
After defeating a motion to remove the so-called ‘tampon tax’, the Conservative party has reminded women everywhere that bleeding once a month is a luxury and called upon the female population to “just stop menstruating”.
Treasury spokesperson Percy Spoke said “Women need to remember that the whole period thing is basically just one long self-indulgent pampering session enjoyed monthly.
“This whining about the cost of tampons is Continue reading
October 27, 2015
This could never, ever happen in real life
A new study commissioned by the NHS has returned the shocking finding that doctors’ receptionists are just phone-droids who do not actually run the whole show, despite what they believe.
The study casts doubt on the legitimacy of the officious men and women who have to be cajoled and pleaded with for quarter of an hour before they will huffily get you an appointment at the most inconvenient time possible.
Professor Hamish McEyebrau, author of the report, said “Anyone approaching the front desk in a surgery could be forgiven for Continue reading
October 27, 2015
Moments later he falls down an open manhole
The new Assassin’s Creed has been praised for its dedication to realism, after players discovered that most of the game involves tripping over things and falling into gutters, because of the debilitating hood.
This has been hailed as a bold departure from previous games, which have seen characters perform amazing feats of derring-do and skullduggery, despite having all the field of vision of a mole wrapped up in a sock and then smashed against a wall till it loses consciousness.
AC obsessive Tim Twanks said “I have always wondered how Continue reading
October 19, 2015
The finale to season 47 will feature the obligatory robot butler
Fans of Downton Abbey have lauded the appearance of Neville Chamberlain in last night’s episode, where he prophesied the rise of European fascism, much to the pleasure of the family and staff.
The pseudo-historical soap opera featured the pro-appeasement politician coming to dinner, where he delighted the Earl of Grantham and Lady Violet with a long-winded explanation about how important it is to make friends with powerful, morally bankrupt dictators.
“If only there was a strong leader in Germany,” said Neville, “someone to Continue reading
October 12, 2015
“I don’t give a fuck” said megalomaniac Marr
Senior staff at the BBC have said that Andy Marr has “positively absolutely definitely NOT got permission to leave that stupid green scooter outside the front fucking door.”
The revelation comes after compliance officers investigated complaints that Marr has a God-complex.
On reviewing footage from the opening sequence of the Andrew Marr show, they notice Continue reading