September 30, 2014
Lemon rhymes with bus! When I don’t wipe properly after a poo my botty gets sore, and I have to have Vassasseline on it
TMB is proud to present yet another exclusive scoop. In the wake of several high-profile Tory defections to Ukip, Nigel Farage has written an open letter to the Conservative party, inviting them to throw off their shackles and join him – a letter only we have been given permission to print!
This is for those of you who don’t want to end up speaking Czechoslavakian and answering to an EU-installed puppet chieftain called Adolf Lenin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Once I found a spoon. It was partially buried in a garden, and there were nettles and I stung my tongue and the inside of my eyelid trying to Continue reading
September 29, 2014
The very Reckless Mr Mark Stupid MP
In the run-up to his headline performance at this year’s Conservative Party conference, Boris Johnson has attacked Tory defectors for being “Nuts. But, er…not in, you know, the good way.”
The rockstar-politician and occasional Mayor of London said that traitors Douglas Carswell and Mark Reckless “Should be, well, should probably Continue reading
September 24, 2014
“Phwooar! Don’t stop, ma’am, don’t stop…”
David Cameron’s office has rejected calls for him to apologise to the Queen, after footage emerged of him allegedly describing a dirty phonecall with the monarch.
The Prime Minister was caught on film telling ex-New York mayor, Michael Bloomberg, “Yeah, Liz was purring like a cat, breathing heavy – the works. Then she started describing how she was going to town on herself, real dirty, nasty shit. And that’s when I messed my pants.
“It was just Continue reading
September 23, 2014
“Keep your eyes shut… no peeking, or you’ll spoil it!”
Ed Miliband wowed the Labour conference today, with a closing speech ambitiously pledging to fix absolutely everything in the UK in 10 years – provided everyone just goes away until he’s finished.
The leader of the opposition told party members “This is NOT another slogan. ‘Britain 2025′ is a real, tangible thing.
“I PROMISE you, hand on heart, that if elected I will definitely fix this broken country in a decade. Only thing is, it’s sort of like a magic trick; I have to do it secretly. If you’re all watching and scrutinising me, it won’t work. Kind of like Continue reading
September 22, 2014
Leaders from the three main political parties were forced to make An Intervention this morning, after unhinged
Has been very busy recently writing long emails to God instructing him how to run the universe
megalomaniac Tony Blair rang up the Ministry of Defence and ordered ground troops into Iraq and Syria.
A recording of his phonecall to the MoD revealed Blair instructed the UK armed forces to “Unleash a fiery hell” upon the Islamic State militia, adding “We’re going in again boys; I’ve led you to military triumph before, and I’ll do it again!”
A spokesman for the Prime Minister said “David Cameron, Nick Clegg and Ed Miliband went round to Tony’s and knocked on the door. He answered it wearing a toga, paratrooper boots Continue reading
September 22, 2014
Major said goalie Hurd was his ‘man of the match’, as not a single ball got past him – despite the aging Hurd having to play sitting down.
Manchester United manager Louis van Gaal has said his team “were simply outplayed” after their humiliating defeat at the hands of Leicester City.
Leicester’s captain, former Prime Minister Sir John Major, scored four of the five goals that saw his team make an amazing comeback from 3-1 down.
Major said “I am really pleased with this result. I was a bit concerned we wouldn’t do very well, especially as there were only nine of us on the pitch. Heseltine did his hip in after a vigorous country ramble, and it turned out Ted Heath was actually dead.
“It also did not Continue reading
September 22, 2014
Turns out just moving it from the warehouse to the shop doesn’t count; you actually have to ‘sell it’ all too.
Tesco has defended its £250m profit overstatement today in a press release, pointing out that “adding and subtracting are really difficult”.
The supermarket giant said that its accounts were wrong to the tune of a quarter of a billion because it can be very hard to distinguish between revenue you have earned, and revenue you haven’t earned.
Tesco’s chief accountant, Todd Cupboard, told reporters “It’s not so much a ‘mistake’, it’s more Continue reading
September 22, 2014
In 2012 one of the planes accidentally killed a standful of veterans at a memorial airshow, an action welcomed by Iain Duncan Smith’s DWP.
Tragedy struck during an RAF flypast yesterday, when the last two remaining World War Two Avro Lancasters accidentally bombed and obliterated Derwent Dam.
An excited crowd of enthusiasts and spectators had assembled at the dam – the practise site for the famous ‘Dambusters’ raid – all of whom were drowned when the planes unleashed a massive payload of bouncing bombs.
Wing Commander Sir Leslie Fanshawe Haines-Haines, the RAF liaison for all commemorative displays and historical re-enactmants, said “Bloody bad luck, what? No idea the bloody bombs were still on the bally planes!
“Shame about Continue reading
September 19, 2014
The No campaign’s brilliant ‘Trojan Horse’ subterfuge involved getting a bunch of hypocritical non-resident celebrities, like Sean Connery, to come out in favour of independence. The principles of reverse psychology did the rest.
David Cameron will today chain the body of vanquished foe Alex Salmond to the back of a Nissan Micra, and then drag it around Edinburgh – just like Achilles did with Hector at Troy.
The defeat of the Yes campaign in yesterday’s referendum marks the end of the SNP’s dreams for independence, and the crushing of the First Minister’s long-held ambition to crown himself King of Scotland.
In a press statement this morning Continue reading