November 24, 2014
“Personally I have a whole fleet of them” said George Osborne “So you can see I’m bona fide proletariat”
David Cameron said today that “Labour are a right load of lah-de-dah rich kids who ain’t never done a hard day’s work in their life.”
The Prime Minister was just one of the numerous working class people, who have been outraged by the prejudice imputed to Emily Thornberry, after a stupendously idiotic Twitter post last week.
Leaning out of the window of his white Ford Transit, Cameron said “Serious guv'; them posh twats ain’t gotta clue about the ordinary common man, and this is why so many of my fellow white van men are gettin Continue reading
November 23, 2014
BOOM! It’s just like we’ve got a massive penis
It was revealed today that the SAS has been carrying out strikes on ISIS, and has killed around 200 jihadis in just four weeks, leading most British men to say “AWWWWWWW YEAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!”, really very loudly.
A defence source confirmed that “SAS squads are being Continue reading
November 19, 2014
Only one of these two won’t try and chat you up when you’re reporting a rape
A study has found that police horses are more friendly, better at preventing and solving crime, and less institutionally racist than their human counterparts.
The study, commissioned by the Association of Police Officers and conducted by the University of Oxford, suggests that over 80% of those interviewed “Would choose a horse over a person to come and investigate crimes such as domestic burglary, assault, and car theft.”
Author of the report, Professor Hamish McEyebrau, said “The general feeling was that horses were gentler, less sarcastic, and would not make you wait as long for Continue reading
November 18, 2014
In what has become a very unhealthy pattern, Ed once again tried to overcome his misery by comfort-eating until he threw up
After what Ed Miliband’s supporters called his “completely unfair ambush” at the hands of political heavyweight, Myleene Klass, the leader of the opposition rallied this morning, and performed incredibly well in an argument with a 10 year old.
Miliband was seen leaving the ITV studios in tears yesterday, where Klass had destroyed him on The Agenda programme with questions like “Are you sure you’ve thought this Mansion Tax through?” and “Don’t you have any other plans?”
But this morning Miliband was not so easily cowed by pupil Samantha Furcup, age 10, who said to Continue reading
November 17, 2014
“Urrrgh! That’s DISGUSTING!”
A group of Dutch scientists have published a report claiming that kissing “is totally yuck, gay, and gives you cooties.”
The team from the Netherlands Organisation for Applied Scientific Research spent many months hanging around behind the bikesheds, spying on couples kissing, occasionally shouting rude words at them, and then running away.
Professor Dick van Dyck said “We’ve seen a lot of couples snogging now, and Continue reading
November 16, 2014
The bizarre world of the “pick up artist”, or PUA, has currently come under the spotlight as a result of the noted PUA Julien Blanc being denied a visa to visit Australia, with similar steps being taken to prohibit his travel to the UK. But what are pick-up artists, and what are the tips and tricks they claim can be used to ensure that any man who used them will be knee-deep in ladyjuice by the end of a night out?
For a long time these tricks have been jealously guarded. PUAs make a substantial living from seminars in soulless airport hotels where desperate, lonely men pay eyewatering amounts of money for the privilege of listening to self-styled PUAs with open shirts and ridiculous hair honking about their sexual prowess. This valuable income stream would be eliminated were the whole gamut of their techniques to become public. Here, however, we are able to present a small selection of some of them.
November 14, 2014
You might say the goalposts have been moved. And done up quite a bit too.
After the Fifa ethics row deepened yesterday, with investigator Michael Garcia accusing judge Hans Joachim-Eckert of misrepresentation, the governing body has announced its intention to diversify into banking.
Fifa’s Strategic Analyst, Hans Onmycok, said “Allegations of corruption over the awarding of the 2018 and 2022 World cup tournaments to Russia and Qatar have shown us that it’s quite hard to get away with impropriety.
“What we need is to make our operation appear legitimate on the outside, whilst stuffed to the brim with criminal financial deals on the inside, and to Continue reading
November 13, 2014
Soon all this boring space-rock shit will be replaced with live footage of Charles Kennedy trying to lick Marmite off his foot for a dare
The Philae probe, successfully landed on Comet 67/P yesterday, has now locked securely to the surface, and unfolded into a house full of cameras and celebrities, as planned.
Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough branch of the European Space Agency, said “The extraordinary achievement of sending Rosetta on a 10 year, 6 billion km journey, is considerable.
“But now the really important part of the mission is about to begin: beaming back footage for the first ever series of ‘I’m a Celebrity: Get Me Off This Comet’.”
A number of Continue reading
November 12, 2014
It’s just possible that this isn’t a good idea
Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has come out in support of the controversial Double Donut burger, saying that it will “Be the most significant easing of pressure on the NHS since Mrs Thatcher’s plan to thin out the poor.”
The burger, advertised as ‘containing enough calories in one bite to kill a badger’, has been met with criticism by various health experts, but has been praised by that sizeable proportion of the British public that is too fat to put food into its own mouth without help.
Mr Hunt said “Our well-being, as a Continue reading
November 11, 2014
“And another thing; we demand that all of Europe apart from us adopt a common currency and call it, I dunno, ‘the Euro’, or something.”
The Conservatives are claiming credit for putting pressure on Europe today, after a thing they have been pushing for turned out to be already covered under current laws.
David Cameron said that an EU Court ruling, that member states can refuse financial aid to so-called benefit tourists, “Supports not only my opinion, but the whole thinking of the Conservative party in general.
“I am glad they have finally bowed to British pressure, my requests, and decent common sense, in introducing this legal right, several years before I demanded they do so.”
But some critics suggest Continue reading