December 17, 2014
Contemplating the shared locker-room arrangements
Vicar Reverend Libby Lane, the Church of England’s first female bishop, has today been welcomed to the job by the Archbishop of Canterbury, and handed a very pretty pinny.
Archbishop Justin Welby said “We are absolutely delighted that Libby has joined the big boys gang. Now everyone can see how modern the church actually is.
“Also we’ve finally got someone to make the tea, do the hoovering, and type the letters. And of course poor old Bath & Wells won’t have to Continue reading
December 16, 2014
You don’t need a brain to realise they’re shit
The International Ocean Discovery Programme has claimed that microbes discovered by the deepest ever drilling operation bear a striking resemblance to the British public.
Scientists found the single-celled organisms 2400m below the seabed, living an extremely sedentary life, involving no mental or physical exertion, low-nutrition meals, and no visible productivity of any kind.
Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the IODP’s Slough branch, said “We’ve hit it off famously. They love our music, our casual racism, and our thieving politicians. We love their superior cooking and infinitely Continue reading
December 15, 2014
She got a body like an hourglass, but I can give it to you all the time…
Sir John Major said this morning he was”walking on air” after winning this year’s X factor.
The former Conservative Prime Minister said he had entered the competition initially “for a laugh” and had no expectations of getting anywhere with it.
But Major wowed audiences in the early stages with extraordinary renditions of classics like ‘Two Little Boys’ and ‘Tie me Kangaroo Down’ – both by disgraced Continue reading
December 15, 2014
One was hardly put in mind of Piero Della Francesca
Review by Brian Sewell
Depressingly, this year’s offering to the dramatic muses Thalia and Melpomene once again took place in the School Hall – that most unimpressive and drab of venues. But one cannot blame the actors for that.
What one can – and does – blame the actors for, however, is the appalling quality of the performance. After last year’s debacle one hoped that the budding thespians would put some effort into their art.
But alas, the same ill-prepared cast recited lines in a manner that could only be evidence of severe mental retardation, under the Continue reading
December 10, 2014
Couldn’t give a fuck about Monet
There has been widespread shock at the discovery that the CIA is a secretive military intelligence organisation, which frequently makes use of extreme violence – and not, as was previously thought, the American branch of the Courtauld Institute of Art.
At a press conference yesterday, President Obama described revelations of brutal ‘Enhanced Interrogation Techniques’ used on terror-suspects as “Excessive, inhumane, and shameful.
“Such torturous methods are not at all in keeping with the principles of art history as practised by an august part of London University.”
There followed Continue reading
December 8, 2014
Our half-arsed round-up of other people’s main news stories:
The Sun is leading with ‘nice melons’
Daily Telegraph: Royal Couple welcomed in transatlantic colonies
Times: People should Continue reading
December 8, 2014
Hours of fun for Hurd and Whitelaw
It has emerged that MP Nigel Mills, who was caught playing Candy Crush Saga during a committee session, was simply obeying party instructions.
Conservative party chairman Grant Shapps confirmed he had told Mr Mills to play Candy Crush throughout the Work and Pensions hearing “to keep him from doing any real damage.”
Nigel Mills said “I have been told to spend all my Commons sessions either playing games on my phone, nodding off, or Continue reading
December 8, 2014
The Department for Transport has issued nationwide warnings today, after it was revealed that Britain’s entire road system is close to collapse.
The DfT cites mass immigration as the major cause of congestion, with a recent influx of East Europeans causing particular havoc on motorways M1 through M9.
Foreigners jabbering away in their own lingo has brought the M25 to a standstill, whilst the M602 has completely disappeared near Salford because less than 50% of Londoners are listed as white British.
Observers say Continue reading
December 3, 2014
Osborne finally broke the long-standing record of Margaret Bondfield, the first female cabinet minister in British history, who in 1930 called Stanley Baldwin a cunt 43 times in one sitting.
George Osborne made his mark on British political history today, after using the word ‘cunt’ 57 times in one sitting – more than any other government minister in history.
The Chancellor of the Exchequer made use of his last Autumn statement before the General Election to single out members of the opposition who he deemed “particularly worthy of being called cunts”.
Osborne began his speech by saying “Mr Speaker, there are some utter cunts sitting over there.
“The right honourable leader of the opposition is a cunt. The right honourable Continue reading