February 11, 2016

Top Gear presenters revealed!

by philapilus

Brrrrm brrrrrm goes fast; make all little boys excited

The full line-up of Top Gear presenters has finally been revealed, and TMB brings you the lowdown on all of them:

John Maynard Keynes: Keynes is a huge fan of governmental intervention within the economy, steerage of which can be best achieved through public expenditure or fiscal policies. He will be mostly based in the studio.

Milton Friedman: by contrast Milton Friedman is the main advocate of monetarism, and preferred deregulation and adherence to the quantitative theory of the money supply. As such he is the chalk to Keynes’ cheese; expect lots of Continue reading

February 9, 2016

Cameron’s mother furious after Mirror headline error

by philapilus

Enter a caption

David Cameron’s mother has expressed her rage today after the Daily Mirror ran with the headline ‘Cameron’s mum fights tory cuts’.

“I am sick and tired of newspaper staff failing to do simple spellchecks” said the former magistrate, “Obviously I am Continue reading

February 3, 2016

Lego frustrated at ‘1st disabled minifigure’ misunderstanding

by philapilus

Some of Lego’s earliest characters were the thalidomide triplets

Lego has expressed its annoyance after fans wrongly claimed that a new set containing a Lego man in a wheelchair represents the first disabled minifigure the company has produced.

Spokesperson Percy Spoke said “It’s nice that fans are praising the appearance of a wheelchair user in a set we are releasing later this year.

“But as a company that has always featured disabilities in our product range, we do Continue reading

February 3, 2016

Death to have February off

by philapilus

 

Deserved: he has been a very busy boy after all

The Grim reaper has announced that he is going to have a quiet month, having worked extra hard culling some big names in January.

Death said “Having taken down actors Frank Finlay and Alan Rickman, musician David Bowie, and lovable highwayman Terry Wogan – amongst others – I really feel like I’ve earned some time off.

“I am going to spend February on a beautiful island paradise in the Caribbean, letting shoals of little fish nibble at my toebones whilst tanning my skull. It will Continue reading

January 31, 2016

Lord Farmer leads campaign to save British peers

by philapilus

It wouldn’t be such a problem if the Lords and Ladies didn’t have such a restricted diet, but unfortunately the only way they can survive is if you stuff hundreds and hundreds of these into their mouths

Senior treasurer of the Conservative party, Baron Michael Farmer, has unveiled a new campaign to save  endangered British peers, after his research revealed that the breed is almost extinct.

Lord Farmer said “I want to draw the nation’s attention to an extremely urgent issue; the paucity of the habitat for lords and ladies, many of whom are going so hungry that they may migrate from London for good.

“If the public knew that the only sustenance available to these noble creatures is a measly £300 per day, I think you would see a real outcry. I mean, for one of the aristocracy £300 is nothing; barely the equivalent of half a Mars Bar to the average Jocelyn on the street. No wonder the Continue reading

January 25, 2016

On this day: 25th January

by philapilus
File:Hippo Indigestion.jpg

Mob bosses found the exhilarating game was a useful way to settle their differences without bloodshed

TMB’s regular feature devoted to improving the public’s historical knowledge, reminding our readers that the past clings to the weft and weave of the present like the stubborn chubnuts after a vindaloo…

1925: notorious gangster Al Capone invents the game of Hungry Hungry Hippos

1953: Southend is destroyed when a huge interstellar alien craft falls from Continue reading

January 18, 2016

Match-fixing ‘rampant’ in lawn bowls

by philapilus

Particularly nefarious teams often name themselves after vicious street-gangs; pictured here are the ‘Hiccupton Hells Angels’

The world of sport was further rocked by controversy today, after it transpired that amateur bowls is plagued by match-fixing.

The BBC’s revelations of match-fixing in tennis earlier this morning caused front-page outrage, but the story has been knocked off the headline green by the news that the phenomenon is also widespread in the bowls game.

Investigative journalist Samantha Furcup said “You might think bowls is about gentle-looking old folk standing around in their white clothes and carefully Continue reading

January 14, 2016

Jakarta attacks spoiling focus on Rickman’s death and ’69 club’ speculation

by philapilus

“No one’s saying it’s not sad, but seriously, what the actual fuck is wrong with people?”

The deaths of some Indonesian people are taking up valuable news space which could better be used to lament the late David Bowie and Alan Rickman, say experts.

Hamish McEyebrau of the Slough School of Stuff said today “Analysis of trending news reveals too much attention is being given to some nobodies in Jakarta who you have never heard of.

“What we need to be focussing our attention on, as a civilised, moral country, is whether the deaths of Bowie and Rickman – both at the age of 69 – are proof that the so-called 27 club of dead celebrities is being replaced by a new 69 club of dead celebrities.

“It is Continue reading

January 14, 2016

2015 in Headlines

by philapilus

Lenin was amongst the famous people who died in 2015, along with such other political luminaries as Michael Ball, Michael Bolton, Michael Buble and Michael Bay. Astoundingly, Keith Richards survived yet another year

In our annual January attempt to avoid anything as strenuous as finding new news, TMB presents some of the more notable stories appearing in UK newspapers from last year:

Forensic science claims Jesus was spitting image of Brian Blessed

Ed Miliband ‘froze to death’ in park drinking meths on Christmas day

“I just want to kill the Jews” Trump reveals motivation

One Direction revealed as Continue reading

January 11, 2016

Corbyn ‘pretended his Twitter was hacked’ after drunken tweets

by philapilus
File:Jeremy Corbyn No More War crop.jpg

Feeling and looking rough as f*ck

Jeremy Corbyn has admitted this morning that he lied about his Twitter account being hacked, after making a series of unwise drunken tweets last night.

The leader of the opposition addressed a press conference in a pained whisper. Holding a cold flannel to his forehead and shutting his eyes tightly, he said “Look, I’m really sorry. Both for the inappropriate tweets and for lying, but please just leave me alone with Continue reading

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