December 6, 2013
‘It’s not all about me, you know’
Like everyone else I was shocked and saddened this morning to learn of the death of Nelson Mandela, a man whom I can honestly say I admired almost as much as he admired me.
The passing of a titan from the world’s stage leaves us all the poorer, especially those of us titans remaining, and I want to take a moment to reflect on Mandela’s amazing life and incredible achievements.
“A man whose entire being was devoted to struggling for fairness and equality, a man who suffered for others, and bore his suffering in silence, a man who has fought and lived – whilst being willing to die – for an ideal” was how Nelson described me, in what read more »
December 6, 2013
There will never again be a photo of Tom with an innocent caption
It was announced yesterday that the sexuality of diver Tom Daley will be mentioned at least once in every single news story from now on, no matter how tangential or implausible its relation to the topic.
After the British Olympic diver came out earlier in the week, it became apparent that the world would never be the same again, as every newspaper filled every page with speculations on his sex-life.
Professor Hamish McEyebrau, head of Reading and Writing about Stuff, at the Slough College of Stuff, said “We are looking at a pre-Tom Daley and a post-Tom Daley media landscape here. From now on it is going to be impossible to talk about anything at all, without making some vaguely voyeuristic read more »
December 5, 2013
‘It’s my dream for Britain; to associate ourselves with millions of gallons of frozen pig semen’
The British press says David Cameron will receive a hero’s welcome on his return home from China, in honour of the historical deal he has brokered, to export pig spunk to the world’s second largest economy.
Cameron had predicted that his goodwill visit would promote business, international co-operation, and ‘help drum up trade with the Chinks’, but the announcement of a £45m deal on sperm surprised everyone.
“You have to hand it to Dave,” said a spokesperson for British trade, “He’s really come up with something. Let’s just hope he’s able to pull it off! Otherwise we’ll be in a sticky sit– I’m sorry, I’ll stop now.”
Rounding off his read more »
December 2, 2013
How many KFC staff do you see rocking up in one of these?
The RAC Foundation has produced a report showing that most people are continuing to use traditional modes of transport, such as cars or buses, rather than riding on griffins, unicorns, or pegasi.
A spokesperson said “To our complete surprise, commuting in England and Wales is still generally done by car, train, bus… you know, things like that.
“Fewer than 1% of all commuters ride mythical creatures, less than 250 people within the M25 area arrive at the office on a combine harvester, and almost no one within urban conurbations sails to work in 19th century paddle steamers.
“This goes to show that when it comes to commuting, this read more »
December 2, 2013
Is that boxed set of Friends DVDs really worth losing your house and family for?
The revelation today that online retailer Amazon has developed unmanned drones for delivering packages*, has caused widespread concern.
The internet giant said it can deploy its drones within 45 minutes of customers placing orders, hitting target-addresses with pinpoint accuracy.
Chief Executive Jeff Bezos said “So far our tactics have mainly been passive-aggressive; sending slightly damaged products in packaging that falls apart in transit, and ensuring deliveries arrive when you are not in, and are then left at collection points in the Shetlands, which read more »
November 29, 2013
Boris Johnson uncharacteristically found his foot in his own mouth on Wednesday night, after an attempt to channel the spirit of Margaret Thatcher during a lecture backfired drastically.
Boris was giving the annual Margaret Thatcher Lecture at the Centre for Policy Studies, when he surprised the audience by going into a deep trance, and started a seance with the spirit of the former Prime Minister.
Extolling greed and envy as the generators of economic success, Boris interpreted Thatcher’s ghost in his own vernacular, saying ”I really want to, uh, you know, big it up for the rich - come on chaps, round of applause for the rich, let’s hear it – jolly good, uh, you know, chaps with read more »
November 28, 2013
Totally over the top; no one in real life is this awful
Hi everyone! God here again.
After last week’s ‘Thought for the Week’, in which I tried to explain how I accidentally started this weird fad for chopping the end off willies, the TMB editors have said they’re going to drop me if I don’t write something ‘more culturally relevant’.
So I did some ‘Googling’ (My Me, there’s a lot of porn out there!) and discovered that the things considered most culturally relevant today are cerebrally-challenged celebrities and pop musicians.
And so today I’m going to talk about the music video ‘Bound 2′, with Kanye West and Kim Kardashian.
I have to say at the outset that read more »
November 27, 2013
“Doesn’t that look like salt to you?”
It has emerged that TV chef Nigella Lawson has been ‘accidentally’ adding cocaine to her cooking for several years.
“It was completely unintentional,” insisted an embarrassed Nigella, “I was going to add some baking soda to a bread recipe, and realised I ‘d run out.
“The cornershop didn’t have any, and Tesco was shut.
“Then this guy approached me on the street and asked was I looking for something. Well, he read more »
November 26, 2013
“Furthermair I will pers’nally headbutt aw’ tha English till their heids burrst. Yon Bastards that ye are!”
For this edition of ’3 Minute Vision’ — our weekly slot dedicated to reducing hard, complex issues to the cerebral equivalent of a small piece of fluffy lint with cotton-wool-like consistency – TMB has asked Alex Salmond to give a brief precis of why an independent Scotland is such a good idea:
Westminster scumbags bin doin us doon’ frae cent’ries past, so after a wee dram fir breakfast, I wrote yon white paper.
Some o ye bin sayin Scotland’s only got yon North sea oil, which is utter shite: oor thrivin’ economy’s got industry ranging frae shortbread, bagpeep recordings, an’ festive sporrans, tae rood postcards an’ tin brooches shaped like thistles; ye name it… and folks gang frae all roond the worl’ to buy oor tartan blankies.
Once we’ve o’erthrown tha read more »