July 25, 2014

McDonald’s execs suspend nuggets: “They taste like demon shit”

by philapilus
http://img.21food.com/20110609/product/1305195435187.jpg

Which part of a chicken’s anatomy did you think nuggets were from, exactly?

Plucky independent restaurant McDonald’s said that it will be expanding its suspension of Chicken McNuggets from Japan and China and stopping all world sales, after senior directors tasted the food and were extremely ill.

Donald MacRonaldson, CEO of the company said “We just thought all the recent concerns had been a lot of fuss over nothing, and were sick of people mocking our food. So we tried it. My God, I have never done anything so foolish in my life.

“If I open the door a crack, could you pass some more loo-roll in please? I’ve run out again.”

Secretary Samantha Furcup said “The board Continue reading

July 25, 2014

‘Oh NOW you want to get back together’ say ships

by philapilus
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/1/1e/Flickr_-_ronsaunders47_-_NO_MORE_PLEASURE_TRIPS..jpg

“I’ve moved on. Figuratively speaking that is; I mean, I’ve just been sitting here for forty years. But the answer’s still no.”

Ships, ferries and waterborne vessels of all kinds laughed scornfully today, after passengers asked if they could please rekindle their broken relationship.

After yet another devastating plane crash yesterday, this time in Mali, everybody in the world did their normal thing of screaming and running around like headless chickens, then told airplanes it was over for good, and moments later rang up ships, sobbing and begging to be taken back.

Felicity Fergusson, a ferry who used to take people to the continent, before she and others like her were cruelly dumped, said “I thought our love was going to last forever. I mean, I worked my arse off for you. And along come planes, batting their big eyelashes, plumping up their big engines, and you ran away like I was Continue reading

July 21, 2014

Glaswegians waxing foreheads for 10 days of nuttings

by philapilus
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/4/48/Zinedine_Zidane_and_Marco_Materazzi_%28retouch%29.jpg/359px-Zinedine_Zidane_and_Marco_Materazzi_%28retouch%29.jpg

The Glasgow Tourist Board has pamphleted the city with Illustrated leaflets reminding the populace how to perform the Glasgow Kiss, and commissioned this uplifting civic sculpture, entitled ‘Glasgow expects every man to do his duty’

Glasgow’s population have been training hard in preparation for the muggings, headbuttings, brutal assaults, and general acts of violence they will be perpetrating during the next fortnight or so, to celebrate the Commonwealth Games.

Visitors from all around the world will flock to the city, with the aim of watching some of the world’s finest athletes compete, although they will, in fact, spend most of their visit lying in gutters moaning, or visiting the city’s overworked casualty wards.

Spokesperson for the Commonwealth Games Federation, Sir Percy Spoke, said “We were desperate not to hold the event in Scotland, but they sent a note threatening ‘tae do youse all in gud an prop’r if ye’ll no hold tha games heeer’, and so we had no choice.

“We have Continue reading

July 21, 2014

People who use hashtags to be neutered

by philapilus
File:Hashtag.JPG

#forgodssakeno

The government has announced bold legislation intended to curb the use of hashtags by complete idiots on social media.

A No.10 spokesperson said “Fatuous, self-involved morons who make pathetically ill-informed status updates which they then try to elevate and share by following it with #feminism, or #liberty, or #lovinglife or some other shit, will no longer be able to breed.

“To be honest, we did write a long press statement, but there’s no point reading it out. You all know who these utter, utter dickwads are and everyone with any sense can see why it is vital to stamp them out. Bye.”

Samantha Furcup, a telecommunications Continue reading

July 16, 2014

TMB’s guide to the cabinet reshuffle

by philapilus
File:NYA typing class.gif

The female members of the reshuffled cabinet settle in to their new roles

The Prime Minister’s reshuffle of his cabinet yesterday saw some MPs promoted, some demoted, and some thrown into the Thames with concrete shoes on. Cameron has finished choosing the team that he hopes will take him to victory in the 2015 general election, but while the new cabinet limbers up for battle, here’s our analysis of the recent arrivals and the Continue reading

July 15, 2014

Gove’s new role as blackboard monitor “not a demotion” says PM

by philapilus

Michael was escorted off the premises today, and delivered to his new office, in a broom cupboard in Watford

David Cameron’s office insisted today that the reassigment of Michael Gove, from Education Secretary to ‘chief whip, blackboard monitor and photocopier paper fetcher’, is “not even slightly a demotion. Not even a teeny-weenie bit.”

A spokesperson said that “Michael has been doing some really brilliant work over at Education. He managed the unprecedented feat of uniting opinion amongst all the various education stakeholders in the UK. Teachers, heads, Ofsted, PTAs, pupil focus groups – have all joined in universal agreement for the first time ever.

“And that is, I think, an astonishing achievement, even if they are only, in fact, united by a common loathing of Michael.”

Gove, who was affectionately Continue reading

July 15, 2014

MoD ‘unsure’ whether stealth fighter is at Farnborough or not

by philapilus

Fuck knows where it is

After reports that Britain’s new £70m stealth fighter, the F-35, would not make it to the opening of the Farnborough International Airshow, the MoD has been forced to admit that it has no idea where the plane actually is.

Air Vice-Marshal Sir Leslie Fanshawe-Haines-Haines said “Well, we did put about this rot about having to delay its debut because of some engine fire in a test model, but to be quite frank with you, we haven’t an earthly clue where the bally thing is.

“Damn plane is stealth, isn’t it? Bloody problem right there, if you think about it, what? Once the old stealth mode’s on, can’t find the blighter.

“I mean, we’re saying it won’t be Continue reading

July 13, 2014

Margaret Thatcher “may not have been the wonderful person we all knew and loved”

by philapilus
File:Margaret Thatcher (Retouched).JPG

As kind as she was sexy

Westminster has been stunned to its core, after allegations were made today that the late Margaret Thatcher might have done some things that weren’t completely brilliant and morally sound.

Reports that Thatcher “covered up for a minister accused of sex abuse” have shaken the political establishments, with both the major parties expressing shock.

Although rumours of the Westminster paedophile ring have been around for some time, no one had dreamed that Lady Thatcher could have been involved in Continue reading

July 13, 2014

Motorists baffled by ‘eerily pleasant’ driving

by philapilus
File:Half-empty motorway - geograph.org.uk - 1140736.jpg

In unrelated news, apparently there’s some sort of football match on tonight or something?

Drivers expressed considerable surprise this evening, after the UK’s roads suddenly became relatively pleasant to use, on a day that - coincidentally - some sort of world sporting event is also happening.

Famed for being packed with speeding vehicles driven by complete arseholes, who show no apparent knowledge of the Highway Code or indeed basic human morality, Britain’s roads and motorways have generally been considered “roughly as pleasant as being given eye-surgery by a rabid badger, using only its teeth.”

But this evening, traffic moved at a relatively safe, almost legal pace, and instead of screaming and threatening one another, road-users passed on the country’s highways with barely more than an Continue reading

July 7, 2014

Pink Floyd to release new unprecedented bank balance

by philapilus
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/6/6c/Battersea_Power_Station_pig_1.jpg/320px-Battersea_Power_Station_pig_1.jpg

The flying pig, stuffed with cash, counted as ‘offshore’ on the tax returns

Pink Floyd will break their 20-year album hiatus, with the release of new album, The Endless River later this year, which the band promises will be “our most thought-provokingly money-making album yet”.

Lead guitarist, David Gilmour, said today “Consisting entirely of new, never before released material, which we recorded two decades ago but deemed not good enough to release, this album will bring together all the original members of the band.

“Except the two that have died, and the arsehole who left after that massive hissy-fit.”

Drummer Nick Mason Continue reading

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