March 25, 2015
“F*ck you, crazy Isis bastards; we’ve got a f*cking X-Wing”
Isis have become locked in deadly combat with the Tusken raiders, after the Jihadis began using Tatooine as an entry-point to Libya.
The spread of Isis throughout the region has typically been marked by the brutal subjugation of local peoples, but experts think that the religious fundamentalists were probably unaware of the presence of an alien race in Tunisia.
Military Analyst, Randy Fukwitz, said “Whilst the sand-people are mostly uninterested in what completely mental humans do in the name of their imaginary magic friends, they Continue reading
March 24, 2015
‘But…but…you *can’t* go! We’ll miss you so much!’ said no one
David Cameron shocked pundits yesterday by announcing he would definitely not be standing for a third term as Prime Minister.
In an interview with the BBC, the PM said “Britain is fixed now. There’s no inflation at all! The 150 people who have actually still got any money will be delighted! I really don’t need to stay around now that I have made everything brilliant.
“Also, if I’m honest I’ve done this shitty minimum-wage work for five years already, and I want to move onto the big league and earn some serious Continue reading
March 23, 2015
‘Beetles in my teeth taught me how to breathe’
A group of LGBT rights campaigners, who targeted Nigel Farage by staging a protest at his local pub, have said the encounter led them to convert to Ukip en masse.
The carnivalesque demonstration, involving protestors in fancy dress lampooning UKip’s perceived targeting of minority groups, ended up benefitting from one of Farage’s impromptu speeches, and soon came to see his point of view.
Protest organiser, Tim Twanks, said “We really thought we’d have him on the ropes. I was dressed in a big pink girl’s dress with a plastic baby strapped to my bared fake boob. But after listening to Nigel for a few minutes, I realised how Continue reading
March 20, 2015
Sleeping on the job
The sun has drawn considerable criticism from the Department for Work and Pensions, for its decision to take a bit of a breather this morning.
DWP Secretary Ian Duncan Smith said the solar body’s eclipse was “the second such break in less than twenty years” and constituted “the kind of behaviour that a Conservative government will be clamping down on after the next election.”
Mr Duncan Smith warned that too-soft workplace legislation “has already removed whips from the hands of bosses, allowed workers toilet breaks on company time, and now Continue reading
March 19, 2015
The perfect camouflage
Experts from the Centre for Seaborne Threat Analysis have confirmed that a full-scale invasion is underway, from life-forms masquerading as small, inanimate pieces of cleansing material.
Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Centre’s Slough Branch, said “For years these creatures have been living amongst us, appearing mysteriously in ‘dispensers’ on supermarket shelves, so that we unwittingly take them into our homes.
“Once they have Continue reading
March 17, 2015
When evolution reaches this stage it is time to prime the machines
It has been agreed that all so-called intelligent life within the UK is to be eradicated imminently, leaving the land barren and void in the hope that something better than us might eventually evolve.
Scientific and military authorities were given the go-ahead, after the news that judges are being fired in their droves for looking at porn on work computers, that police and MPs covered up endemic paedophilia within their ranks, and that Oliver Letwin still hasn’t yet fucked off.
Professor Hamish McEyebrau of the Slough College of the Apocalypse said “For month after month Britain has just been subjected to an unending diarrhoeic stream of Continue reading
March 17, 2015
Inveterate alcoholics across the UK held their heads up high this morning, and said that the only reason they were completely pissed before 7AM was because of a deep connection to their Irish roots.
The National Association of Heavy Drinkers insisted that getting rat-arsed on St Patrick’s Day is “as culturally significant and religiously important as ganja is to Rastafarians, or children are to Catholics.”
Tim Twanks, who Continue reading
March 12, 2015
A panel of experts has said that Wednesday’s argument between the prime minister and the leader of the opposition was “the greatest ever display of political debate, rhetoric and intellectual acumen this country has seen.”
The exchange which took place during this week’s Prime Minister’s Questions, involved David Cameron and Ed Miliband cerebrally trading blows over the proposals for the televised pre-election debates.
Miliband began with a well-rehearsed flourish, asking “Mr Speaker, is the Prime Minister aware that he is feeble, ugly, and a big girly coward?”
But Cameron was Continue reading
March 12, 2015
“I am saddened by this infringement of my human rights” said Jeremy
Across the world this week millions of people have signed a petition in support of Jeremy Clarkson’s crusade for the right to punch colleagues in the workplace.
Having been villified, censured and suspended by the BBC, simply for gently attacking a co-worker, Jeremy ‘Jesus’ Clarkson has become the spearhead of a movement which aims to protect core human rights.
This morning Mr Clarkson said “If we let them stop us from punching each other in the head today, then tomorrow they’ll be telling us not to use racial slurs, and Continue reading