May 5, 2015

Scandinavian gunmen open fire at US ‘Draw Thor’ competition

by philapilus

We can’t show Thor wielding it, for fear of reprisals

Norse mythology extremists have been killed by police, after opening fire at contestants attending a ‘Draw Thor’ cartoon competition in Dallas yesterday.The masked gunmen were shot dead by a traffic policeman, in an exchange of fire following a savage attack, which mercifully left no one harmed other than the perpetrators.

The event’s organiser, controversial anti-Thorian and free speech advocate, Frank Castle, said “This kind of religious extremism is absolutely intolerable in Continue reading

May 5, 2015

John Major wins snooker World Championship

by philapilus

The former conservative prime minister won 18-15 in a match that went to the final session, after initially trailing Bingham. An astonishing achievement, given that Major only took up the sport five months ago.

John Virgo said this morning “I don’t think anyone could have predicted this result, but it was fully deserved. Major beat Ronnie O’Sullivan, Judd Trump and Shaun Murphy to get here, and he took Bingham apart with Continue reading

May 4, 2015

“I once killed a man”, Cameron reminisces

by articulatedsheep

In a reflective interview to mark the final two days of the election campaign, David Cameron has reminisced about the time in the late 1980s when he cold-bloodedly murdered a stranger.

Continue reading

May 4, 2015

UKIP candidate: rebuttal in full

by articulatedsheep

As the election approaches, we print in full the rebuttal issued by UKIP candidate Gurdyman Thrustbucket MEP, the party’s candidate for North Wessex South, whose campaign has been dogged by allegations around his personal conduct and beliefs.

Continue reading

May 3, 2015

Pacquiao-Mayweather fight, blow-by-blow

by philapilus

Pacman got less of the money than Money did

Manny Pacquaio v Floyd Mayweather is over, but only TMB’s boxingologists can give you the complete breakdown:

Both men entered the arena in the normal way, using their feet, which, being located at the end of their legs, made for adequate bipedal locomotion. Next they climbed into the roped-off bit, which seemed to go pretty well too.

Neither boxer fell over.

A shouty man shouted for a bit, and then the fighters started hitting each other.

The first round opened with Continue reading

May 1, 2015

‘Stumbling Ed’ pic replaces ‘Half-drowned Kinnock’ as entire basis for Tory campaign

by philapilus


After Ed Miliband’s podium-step stumble on Question Time last night, gleeful Conservatives have said that their strategy for the remainder of this year’s election will be entirely based on showing photos of the stumble.

Lynton Crosby, election organiser for David Cameron and huge fan of the tobacco industry, said “This is fantastic. We don’t need to keep pretending we’re winning the economic argument, or even bother with policies. We’re just going to use the word ‘stumble’ over and over and over again on social media.

“It’ll probably still be good for milking in 2020. Just like when Neil Kinnock fell in the sea, all over again; that photo’s been Continue reading

May 1, 2015

Mayweather Sr pens poem for Pacquiao trainer Freddie Roach

by philapilus

“Yep,” said Floyd Jr, “that’s my dad! A true romantic.”

In an unusual move, Floyd Mayweather’s father has addressed the coach of his son’s opponent through the medium of poetry, ahead of Saturday’s title fight.

The fight, which will be the richest in the sport’s history, has involved a lot of trash talk and accusations flying between the two camps, but Floyd Mayweather Sr seems to have offered an olive branch to Freddie Roach with his touching ode.

Mayweather Sr said “This goes out to my man Freddie:

“When combatants in combat meet,

To vie for victory’s taste, so sweet,

There must, alas! be joy and tears,

Defeat; the Continue reading

April 30, 2015

“Me daily diary-wiary!!” by Russell Brand

by philapilus

ME! MEEE! MEEEEEE!! Why do me fans fink it’s all about MEEEEEEEE?!?!?!

‘ere, you’ll never guess wot! Your ‘umble meself only went and got Ed Miliband to come on me show and ‘ave a pow-wow about all politics an’ that!

If you wanna know the really important stuff wot’s gonna change our perfidious political paradigm, look no further than me Trews, mates! But ‘eres a breakdown of it, just for all you lovelies out there.

So I was all like ‘Well, Ed, all you politicians is well greedy, taking all the wonga wot the rest of us ain’t Continue reading

April 30, 2015

Farage to enlist UK Gold and Granada Television in war against BBC

by philapilus

The Beeb will rue the day it went up against a highly polished organisation like Ukip…

Ukip has said that it will completely bypass the BBC, and communicate only via TV channels embracing “traditional British values”, for the remainder of its election campaign.

The party announced its war on the BBC after Nigel Farage took offence at a dig made against him on its flagship satirical show, Have I got News For You.

Ukip spokeswoman, Gina Flange, said “I think it’s disgraceful that a BBC documentary programme Continue reading

April 30, 2015

Wanker of the Week: Danny Alexander

by philapilus

Nominated by:

Albert Einstein

Nominated for:

“Vote for us if you don’t want the Tories to get in again, but you don’t mind us helping them get in again!”

Danny has today attempted to launch an offensive against his coalition partners, with all the acumen of a five year old telling tales in school. Basically he’s waving around a piece of paper from 3 years ago,which he says he’s only just found, and which proves definitively that the Conservatives are massive bastards who are Continue reading


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