May 17, 2013
“Look, it’s even got a pole on the back that you could try and slide down if the alarm goes while you’re upstairs. Perfick.”
An independent, wholly unpartisan report has, amazingly, managed to confirm the government’s position on rampant financial waste in the public sector.
A report by the former chief fire and rescue advisor, Sir Ken Knight, states that “The entire fire-fighting service of the UK is a glaring example of utterly unnecessary waste, especially as we employ fire-fighters all year, when most fires can be put out in a single afternoon. What the hell are they doing the rest of the time?!”
Sir Ken’s concluding remarks recommend read more »
May 16, 2013
“If you ever go down to the basement you’ll see there aren’t even any foundations. The whole building just sits on a cushion of hot air, like a hovercraft, or Cameron’s Cabinet”
Outgoing Governor of the Bank Of England, Sir Mervyn King, admitted this morning that talk of Britain’s economic recovery has been largely motivated by “the number of zeros I am going to get on the end of my cheque in June”.
King, one of the country’s most powerful figures, and whose every utterance affects the confidence of investors, said “The country’s economy is definitely growing. I know I said it was 0.5% yesterday, but it can be even higher if you like.
“Let’s call it 5% this year, rising to 9% next year. Haven’t I done well? In fact I think we’re read more »
May 15, 2013
“It’s disabled children like this one who really piss me off; they’re such a waste of taxpayer’s money”
Colin Brewer, the councillor who caused controversy this year with his comments about the virtue of killing disabled babies, is once again at the centre of a public row.
Brewer, who had been forced to resign but somehow won his seat back in this month’s elections, said this week “The problems of this country are all about limited finances and overpopulation.
“The only way to fix broken Britain compassionately is to smash every single newborn infant’s skull against a wall until the brains ooze out of its ears, and then chuck the body on a giant bonfire.”
He added “Unless read more »
May 14, 2013
“What are we meant to fantasise about now?!” said men everywhere “Do we just focus on her big, pouting, luscious lips and… actually, don’t worry, that’ll do fine.”
The news that Hollywood star Angelina Jolie has had a double mastectomy to reduce her very high risk of breast cancer, has caused men across Britain to feel very confused.
John Thomas, a self-described ‘Jolie-fanatic and then some’, said “I got up, switched on the news, and there was Angelina talking about boobs. Naturally, I grabbed the box of tissues and Assumed The Position on the couch.
“But then it turns out she was talking about the likelihood of getting breast cancer, and it read more »
May 14, 2013
“It’s going really well. Definitely.”
Downing Street issued a statement this morning saying that the prime minister was “very happy” with his party’s current self-combustion over Europe, and considers it a sign that the debate is “very healthy and not-at-all castatrophically fuckwittedly disastrous for us”.
Many Eurosceptic Conservatives were enraged by the ommission of any reference to an EU referendum in the Queen’s Speech, and have proposed an amendment in Wednesday’s debate on the speech, along the lines of “Sodding well grow some bollocks, Dave”.
But Cameron has played down read more »
May 14, 2013
And so on. Unbiased.
A recent, entirely unbiased, survey conducted in the United States suggests that hipsters are as disliked as dirty Ruskies and Barack Obama by the majority of the population, as the soulless irony-laden drones they are.
This is thought to be the most extensive and revealing survey of opinions on any such sub-culture, finally answering the question of whether those within it are ok or a bit annoying.
Some have considered the poll by Public Policy Polling as “a bit pointless” and “not terribly accurate, helpful, or in any way worthwhile”.
Public Policy Polling sensibly opted not to bias opinions with an actual definition of the term “hipster”, read more »
May 13, 2013
Oh for fuck’s sake, May, will you just piss off?
This is the meteorological symbol for ‘Britain’
May 13, 2013
Once again TMB is proud to present our cartoon syndicated from the Grauniad; another satirical masterpiece by Stephen Belle, whose razor-sharp wit has cut anti-EU Michael Gove down to size, and no mistake! (‘cut’ because he’s so sharp, you see? Good isn’t it?) read more »
May 13, 2013
Huhne is expected to plead that it isn’t really his fault, as he has become institutionalised (after strenuously denying the charges for three months first, of course).
Disgraced former cabinet minister Chris Huhne, and his ex-wife Vicky Pryce, were re-arrested just hours after their early release from prison this morning, for robbing a post office and making off in a stolen car.
Huhne held up the cashiers with a gat he had borrowed from an old cellmate, and as frightened staff handed over £943.46 worth of copper coins and stamps, Pryce hotwired a Renault Clio in the street outside.
The pair climbed into the getaway vehicle and made off at a conservative 29mph, but read more »
May 9, 2013
Nadine says the colourful voices that live in her teeth told her to rejoin
After losing ground to Ukip in last week’s county council elections, the conservative party has reinstated Nadine Dorries, in an attempt to reclaim the status of ‘party with the highest appeal to lunatics’.
Dorries was suspended from the Tory benches for taking a holiday whilst parliament was sitting, in order to appear on a reality TV show.
But as the conservatives realised they were being out-manoeuvered by the preternaturally unhinged Nigel Farage, chief whip Sir George Young said they had “No alternative but to roll out the biggest nutters we possibly can. And they don’t come more batshit-crazy than Nadine.”
Dorries has read more »