March 10, 2014
“Actually it’s brilliant news for Everybody that he won. He’s great!” said Nobody.
In the most closely-fought North Korean election in recent history, Kim Jong-un managed to defeat Nobody, to remain his district’s deputy to the supreme people’s assembly.
In the run-up to the ballot it seemed that Nobody was an extremely strong contender. One expert said “I would say it is almost 100% certain that Nobody will defeat Kim Jong-un this Sunday.”
Although many Western outsiders were surprised to see Nobody’s name on the ballot paper alongside the Supreme leader’s, North Korea does in fact have a long history of putting Nobody up against incumbent totalitarian leaders.
The Supreme Continue reading
March 10, 2014
Ex-PM Gordon Brown has once again managed to defuse tensions and heal rifts, by getting the opposing sides on the Scottish Independence question to unite in their joint hatred of him.
Brown outlined a six part plan for power-sharing between London and Edinburgh, cities which until now have been locked in a bitter tug of war.
Both sides immediately and simultaneously issued statements offering the olive branch, each agreeing to “anything you ask for, as long as we can join together in telling that one-eyed prick to piss off.”
A contrite UK said Continue reading
March 7, 2014
Today’s syndicated cartoon comes from celebrated Daily Torygraph cartoonist Matty, who has been delighting audiences for decades, with the sheer variety of his unending stream of Continue reading
March 7, 2014
“Take the money back, you bastards, I was drunk! It’s not my fault!” is an oft-heard cry in Vegas’s backstreets, where casino enforcers break the knees of unwilling winners
A gambler who won $500,000 dollars during a drunken session at a Las Vegas casino, has refused to accept that his win was legitimate, and is suing the casino to take the money back.
Businessman Mark Knobman said today “I was clearly utterly intoxicated. They let me gamble all night long, even though I was drunker than an Irishman on his birthday.
“I mean, I obviously had no control whatsoever, and should not now be made responsible for my Continue reading
March 6, 2014
What a total bastard
Shallow, plastic man Ken has completely blanked the new prototype ‘average girl’ doll, introduced to provide young children with a more realistic plaything.
The doll, built on actual human proportions, to give little girls a less impossible role model and to raise their self-esteem, said ‘Hi there!’ to Ken, as she was coming out of Barbie’s house today.
But Ken just did a double-take, grunted something under his breath about ‘That’s where all the pies went, then” and marched into Barbie’s hall without even acknowledging the Continue reading
March 5, 2014
Once again we present a brilliant, biting satire, syndicated from sister-paper ‘The Grauniad‘! Stefan Bell, the so-called ‘greatest 18th-century throwback’ satirist of his generation, is using his razor-sharp wit, subtlety and unsurpassed drawing skills to really Continue reading
March 4, 2014
“Do you honestly think I give a flying fuck what you stick on your todger?”
Pope Francis issued a statement today, explaining that he definitely had not accidentally uttered a swear-word during Sunday’s blessing.
“People say: ‘What a funny slip of the tongue’ or ‘Even the Pope makes mistakes!’, ” said Pope Francis, “but that’s bullshit. I didn’t make a mistake. I am just totally sick of this fucking job.
“I mean, Christ – and that’s not a prayer – what the hell was I thinking? All this kneeling and blessing and Continue reading
March 4, 2014
“If they’re allowed to dress like bloody bin liners, why can’t we bloody well point that out?” said senior Tories, who really shouldn’t be allowed out unsupervised.
A Conservative spokesman has expressed outrage that the party was forced to expel a councillor “simply because he compared children in burkas to bin-bags.”
Sir Arthur Theremin said it was “Political correctness gone even madder than normal mad” after councillor Chris Joannides was given a 12 month expulsion, for making the derisory comments on an image he had posted on Facebook.
Theremin said “If we can’t make a perfectly rational observation, that darkie children in burkas look like rather full bin bags – which, by the way, anyone with eyes in their head could Continue reading