March 30, 2015

Katie Hopkins joins Labour campaign with pledge to leave UK

by philapilus

Hopkins is the only female journalist whose existence was prophesied in the Book of Revelation: “Yea, and forth shall come a right bitch who will be unto you as a shard of broken glass through thine eyeballs, and a grating noise of horror in thine ears. And ye shall despair.”

Official Mouthpiece of Satan, Katie Hopkins, has unexpectedly joined forces with Ed Miliband, promising the UK that she will “fuck off forever and leave you all alone, if you promise to vote for Labour”.

Taking to Twitter, the professional harridan said “I guarantee that if Ed becomes PM I will leave this country and never come back. I might even get a surgeon to fuse my jaws together and cut off my typing finger, if you’re lucky.”

Labour spokesperson, Percy Spoke, said “When Katie’s agent told us she Continue reading

March 27, 2015

Clarkson: ‘Leave my friend Ois alone, or I’ll punch him in the face again’

by philapilus

“Why can’t you take a leaf out of my book and just be nice to him?”

Jeremy Clarkson has railed at journalists for pestering Oisin Tymon, the producer he punched, leading to his own dismissal from the BBC.

The former Top Gear presenter said he was irate about seeing “Poor little Oisin being hassled by all of you journos, just because I punched him. Oisin has the right to be punched in privacy!

“In this age of Continue reading

March 27, 2015

Rediscovered remains of Richard III rediscovered again

by philapilus

He was ever so good with kids

The rediscovered corpse of King Richard III has been re-rediscovered this morning in Leicester Cathedral by a team of archaeologists.

The body, which had previously gone missing, then been found under a car park, dug up, seen by thousands of people and featured in a memorial service on live TV, disappeared forever again yesterday.

But just hours ago the semi-mythical remains were refound in Leicester Cathedral by a Continue reading

March 25, 2015

Isis in deadly battle with Tusken raiders

by philapilus

“F*ck you, crazy Isis bastards; we’ve got a f*cking X-Wing”

Isis have become locked in deadly combat with the Tusken raiders, after the Jihadis began using Tatooine as an entry-point to Libya.

The spread of Isis throughout the region has typically been marked by the brutal subjugation of local peoples, but experts think that the religious fundamentalists were probably unaware of the presence of an alien race in Tunisia.

Military Analyst, Randy Fukwitz, said “Whilst the sand-people are mostly uninterested in what completely mental humans do in the name of their imaginary magic friends, they Continue reading

March 24, 2015

Cameron: ‘I can’t afford to stay in low-paid job for 10 more years’

by philapilus

‘But…but…you *can’t* go! We’ll miss you so much!’ said no one

David Cameron shocked pundits yesterday by announcing he would definitely not be standing for a third term as Prime Minister.

In an interview with the BBC, the PM said “Britain is fixed now. There’s no inflation at all! The 150 people who have actually still got any money will be delighted! I really don’t need to stay around now that I have made everything brilliant.

“Also, if I’m honest I’ve done this shitty minimum-wage work for five years already, and I want to move onto the big league and earn some serious Continue reading

March 24, 2015

Credulous simpletons tricked into trawling through faeces

by philapilus

The report warns that you may feel some discomfort when passing larger bars

An American research group has managed to convince people unencumbered with weighty IQs that they should carefully sift their own poo, looking for particles of gold.

The US Geological Survey team produced a report pointing out the minute amounts of precious metals that are present in human crap, leading morons to start defecating into sieves.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, the author of the report, said “It’s hilarious. I keep getting all these letters from idiots complaining they ‘ve been Continue reading

March 23, 2015

LGBT activists join Ukip after meeting Farage at pub

by philapilus

‘Beetles in my teeth taught me how to breathe’

A group of LGBT rights campaigners, who targeted Nigel Farage by staging a protest at his local pub, have said the encounter led them to convert to Ukip en masse.

The carnivalesque demonstration, involving protestors in fancy dress lampooning UKip’s perceived targeting of minority groups, ended up benefitting from one of Farage’s impromptu speeches, and soon came to see his point of view.

Protest organiser, Tim Twanks, said “We really thought we’d have him on the ropes. I was dressed in a big pink girl’s dress with a plastic baby strapped to my bared fake boob. But after listening to Nigel for a few minutes, I realised how Continue reading

March 20, 2015

Lazy sun ‘workshy’ says IDS

by philapilus

Sleeping on the job

The sun has drawn considerable criticism from the Department for Work and Pensions, for its decision to take a bit of a breather this morning.

DWP Secretary Ian Duncan Smith said the solar body’s eclipse was “the second such break in less than twenty years” and constituted “the kind of behaviour that a Conservative government will be clamping down on after the next election.”

Mr Duncan Smith warned that too-soft workplace legislation “has already removed whips from the hands of bosses, allowed workers toilet breaks on company time, and now Continue reading

March 19, 2015

‘Wet-wipes invading from sea’ warn scientists

by philapilus

 

The perfect camouflage

Experts from the Centre for Seaborne Threat Analysis have confirmed that a full-scale invasion is underway, from life-forms masquerading as small, inanimate pieces of cleansing material.

 
Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Centre’s Slough Branch, said “For years these creatures have been living amongst us, appearing mysteriously in ‘dispensers’ on supermarket shelves, so that we unwittingly take them into our homes.

“Once they have Continue reading

March 17, 2015

UK to start again with single-celled organisms

by philapilus

When evolution reaches this stage it is time to prime the machines

It has been agreed that all so-called intelligent life within the UK is to be eradicated imminently, leaving the land barren and void in the hope that something better than us might eventually evolve.

Scientific and military authorities were given the go-ahead, after the news that judges are being fired in their droves for looking at porn on work computers, that police and MPs covered up endemic paedophilia within their ranks, and that Oliver Letwin still hasn’t yet fucked off.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau of the Slough College of the Apocalypse said “For month after month Britain has just been subjected to an unending diarrhoeic stream of Continue reading

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