November 28, 2014

Black Friday footage to replace boy-receiving-tablet as ‘most aspirational’ video

by philapilus

No red-blooded Brit could fail to be moved to tears by consumption-fuelled carnage

A viral video of an Argentinean boy crying with gratitude over a present, has been superseded by footage of shoppers fighting over TVs, as the UK’s most-shared aspirational clip.

The home video of the happily weeping boy has brought saccharine-flavoured tears to the eyes of hundreds of thousands of British people in recent weeks.

But this morning it dropped completely off the radar, after videos surfaced of people in Tesco’s beating the shit out of each other over electrical goods that were being sold at a slightly-reduced price.

This was immediately Continue reading

November 28, 2014

Ukip: ‘Immigration not as big a deal as we thought’

by philapilus

Not a minaret

Ukip admitted today that they had vastly overestimated the extent of the “infiltration of other cultures”, after it transpired that 82% of all things they had thought were mosques weren’t.

A spokesman said “Turns out Westminster Cathedral isn’t a mosque! Nor is Blenheim Palace, the London Eye, or Stonehenge.

“Even Charlie Brooker is not a mosque. We’ve Continue reading

November 27, 2014

‘Mad’ Frankie Fraser immediately gets celestial ASBO

by philapilus

After he was finally subdued, Frankie was strip-searched and had a number of weapons confiscated

Notorious gangster ‘Mad’ Frankie Fraser received his first celestial ASBO within minutes of his death yesterday.

Francis Davidson Fraser arrived at the Pearly Gates and was, according to eyewitnesses, in a foul temper, threatening to “Do over the fackin’ doctors what got me in the coma and got me old family to switch off the blahdy machine.”

On being welcomed by St Peter, ‘Mad’ Frankie immediately took offence to Continue reading

November 26, 2014

Labour’s Grayson Perry bags “for collecting tears of disappointment”

by philapilus

Ukip’s has been designed to reflect their core values and policy… but is it art?

The limited edition bags Grayson Perry has designed for the Labour party have a special waterproof lining, for catching the tears of their supporters after the election defeat next year.

Perry, whose design has been lauded as ‘Fucking terrible’ by almost everyone, said “Is it a lion? Is it a pig? You don’t know. And I don’t know. I can’t draw either of them, so it’s somewhere in between.

“But that’s what makes it art.”

Labour have for almost two weeks been giving Continue reading

November 26, 2014

All Tory MPs “initially trained as cabbies”

by philapilus

“You can get in if you like, but I’m not going South of the bloody river this time of night”

It has emerged that before entering Parliament all prospective Conservative candidates are required to spend at least a year working as taxi drivers.

After cabbies complained about the rudeness of former Cabinet Minister, David Mellor, Conservative HQ retorted that Mellor was “A master of the Hackney Carriage” and knew London “Like the back of his hand.”

Mellor was secretly recorded at the weekend, shouting at a taxi-driver that he could  Continue reading

November 24, 2014

“Them Labour lot are a bunch of posh wankers, guv’nor” say Tories

by philapilus

“Personally I have a whole fleet of them” said George Osborne “So you can see I’m bona fide proletariat”

David Cameron said today that “Labour are a right load of lah-de-dah rich kids who ain’t never done a hard day’s work in their life.”

The Prime Minister was just one of the numerous working class people, who have been outraged by the prejudice imputed to Emily Thornberry, after a stupendously idiotic Twitter post last week.

Leaning out of the window of his white Ford Transit, Cameron said “Serious guv'; them posh twats ain’t gotta clue about the ordinary common man, and this is why so many of my fellow white van men are gettin Continue reading

November 23, 2014

UK responds to SAS killing jihadis: “AWWWWWW YEAHHHH!!!”

by philapilus
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/3/31/NTS_-_BEEF_-_WATUSI.jpg

BOOM! It’s just like we’ve got a massive penis

It was revealed today that the SAS has been carrying out strikes on ISIS, and has killed around 200 jihadis in just four weeks, leading most British men to say “AWWWWWWW YEAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!”, really very loudly.

A defence source confirmed that “SAS squads are being Continue reading

November 19, 2014

Horses “better than police in every way”

by philapilus

Only one of these two won’t try and chat you up when you’re reporting a rape

A study has found that police horses are more friendly, better at preventing and solving crime, and less institutionally racist than their human counterparts.

The study, commissioned by the Association of Police Officers and conducted by the University of Oxford, suggests that over 80% of those interviewed “Would choose a horse over a person to come and investigate crimes such as domestic burglary, assault, and car theft.”

Author of the report, Professor Hamish McEyebrau, said “The general feeling was that horses were gentler, less sarcastic, and would not make you wait as long for Continue reading

November 18, 2014

Miliband nearly defeats small child in debate

by philapilus

In what has become a very unhealthy pattern, Ed once again tried to overcome his misery by comfort-eating until he threw up

After what Ed Miliband’s supporters called his “completely unfair ambush” at the hands of political heavyweight, Myleene Klass, the leader of the opposition rallied this morning, and performed incredibly well in an argument with a 10 year old.

Miliband was seen leaving the ITV studios in tears yesterday, where Klass had destroyed him on The Agenda programme with questions like “Are you sure you’ve thought this Mansion Tax through?” and “Don’t you have any other plans?”

But this morning Miliband was not so easily cowed by pupil Samantha Furcup, age 10, who said to Continue reading

November 17, 2014

“Kissing?! Ewww, gross.” say Dutch scientists

by philapilus

“Urrrgh! That’s DISGUSTING!”

A group of Dutch scientists have published a report claiming that kissing “is totally yuck, gay, and gives you cooties.”

The team from the Netherlands Organisation for Applied Scientific Research spent many months hanging around behind the bikesheds, spying on couples kissing, occasionally shouting rude words at them, and then running away.

Professor Dick van Dyck said “We’ve seen a lot of couples snogging now, and Continue reading

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