October 31, 2014

Benefits stopped for those giving out free Halloween treats

by philapilus

 

A super-tax on pumpkins will fund extra police presence tonight, to keep the UK’s children cowed and under curfew.

The government has warned that any0ne on benefits caught giving out free sweets to trick-or-treaters tonight will face an immediate withdrawal of all state aid, and possible prosecution.

The Work and Pensions Secretary, Iain Duncan Smith, said “This is not about punishing generosity, or interfering with fun traditions.

“But in order to maintain an honest and just society where hard work is rewarded, we will be stripping all benefit from those who give away valuable commodities whilst simultaneously demanding that the state support their Continue reading

October 28, 2014

Met Office gets supercomputer to access best adult sites

by philapilus

Like a big swirly nipple

Weather forecasters have hailed the announcement of a new Met supercomputer as “An end to the drudgery of the job, and of making do with the Sunday Sport during ‘toilet’ breaks”.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau of the Slough Institute of Meteorology said  “The £97m computer will allow minute fluctuations in weather to be predicted with an extraordinary degree of pinpoint accuracy, whilst simultaneously allowing you to ogle – and indeed Google – Needy Milfs.

“Cracking stuff.”

The Met Office decided Continue reading

October 27, 2014

Downton Abbey: TMB’s weekly recap (Series 5 Episode 6)

by philapilus

Downton is the first British Period Drama to feature airborne delivery of a warhead since 1995’s Pride and Prejudice on the BBC

Last night’s Downton was an absolute scorcher of an episode! Starting with a vicious fistfight between Edith and Mary in front of a pack of baying men, it was immediately clear that Series 5 will continue pushing this drama to its limits.

Then there was a nice segue sequence, in which Isis was hung from a tree by a bunch of imbecilic BNP supporters (the programme maintaining its postmodern questioning of Continue reading

October 22, 2014

DJ Read pens UKIP song about ‘horrors of Ebola’

by philapilus

MP Douglas Carswell said “Well, I couldn’t see the problem with Mike’s Calypso. But apparently some of the Bongobongo chaps – of whom many are my best friends and so on – didn’t take a shine to it.

“Can you still say shine?

“Anyway, this is Continue reading

October 22, 2014

“And your plan is…?” Russia asks Sweden

by philapilus

‘Ah, um, ohh…yeah that’s…that’s quite…Jesus it’s a biggy…Um, you know what? Actually, you can sail anywhere you like! Who cares about stuffy old nonsense like territorial waters? Not us!’ said Sweden

As the Swedish armed forces continue to search for what they claim is a Russian submarine in the waters near Stockholm, Russia has asked Sweden exactly what it is planning to do about it anyway.

Russian Foreign Minister, Ivan Everhaditov, said “Let’s say, hypothetically, that one of our subs is in your territorial waters.

“In fact, let’s say, hypothetically, it surfaces, and the crew comes out on deck, pull down their pants and Continue reading

October 21, 2014

93% of all internet trolling done by 2 people

by philapilus

Since they were arrested the internet has atrophied and entered a state of hibernation

Research by New Scotland Yard’s Internet Section has discovered that almost all online trolling and celebrity hacking is the work of just two people.

The research was carried out after Justice Secretary Chris Grayling announced new legislation to tackle those who use the internet as a means to offend, abuse others anonymously, or possibly just express opinions.

PC McGarry No 452 said “We have Continue reading

October 21, 2014

Cameron: “I have something important to say about Europe, possibly”

by philapilus

“Come on, come on. Why is this taking me so long? How can it be this hard to have an idea? I know people who have had more than one in a single YEAR…”

The Prime Minister has attempted to breach the divide growing in his own party, by announcing that he might make an announcement about the UK and Europe before Christmas. Probably.

Mr Cameron assured the country and fellow Conservatives that he would “be making a very strong statement, maybe outlining some sort of brilliant strategy, probably in a speech, article, open letter, or possibly in a text to my wife Samantha.

“But the Continue reading

October 20, 2014

Government to crack down on crazy hormonal mums

by philapilus

‘Don’t you think you might just be milking this whole thing a bit, to try and get some attention?’

The Treasury has said it is deeply concerned by a report which claims perinatal women suffering mental ill-health are costing the economy £8bn.

The report says that pregnant women and new mothers who are not getting adequate mental healthcare, put a strain on NHS resources, and negatively impact the economy through a loss of earnings.

The chancellor George Osborne said “This is absolutely unacceptable. We need to Continue reading

October 17, 2014

Shops now just telling customers to f*ck off

by philapilus

‘Good f*cking riddance…’

The number of shops actively trying to get rid of customers has increased dramatically in the last three months, according to a new report by the Slough Centre for Commerce Relations.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, the report’s author, said “Just over the last few days we’ve seen a lesbian couple ejected from Sainsbury’s for kissing, a blind Continue reading

October 16, 2014

BBC to offer tips on ‘most dangerous poker games’

by philapilus

“You should bet your house and family on Black 17″ said John Humphreys this morning on the Today programme

The BBC has announced that it will be expanding its advice to gamblers, from simple horse tips to how to locate the really full-on poker games where you can lose all your fingers.

BBC Spokesperson, Percy Spoke, said “Whilst we have always provided an admirable information service for those who fancy a ‘flutter’ on the horses, we have never really reached out to the other gambling communities.

“The Continue reading

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 288 other followers