September 12, 2014

Deadly U2 virus unleashed on iTunes

by philapilus

Terrorising our children for decades

Software-virus experts continue to work around the clock to try and undo the damage caused yesterday when sound-terrorists U2 unleashed their new weapon on untold numbers of innocent people.

Disguised as an album of ‘music’, the torture implement suddenly appeared, without warning, amongst the files of every iTunes user in the world.

Scotland Yard’s chief anti-terrorist expert, PC McGarry No. 452, said “People everywhere are in shock, hospitalised – many are just plain dead. We will be Continue reading

September 12, 2014

Humanity at ‘infinite monkeys stage’ after Chinese student dies jerking off

by philapilus

It’s because three out of every four sperm are destined to create morons, and the fourth is just cursed.

After the news that a Chinese student had died choking his chicken, experts have agreed that “There is now nothing you could possibly think – no matter how ridiculous – that hasn’t happened already, or won’t happen soon, to someone somewhere in the world”.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau and his team of probability analysts at the Slough School of What The Fuck, have been closely monitoring humanity’s activities, waiting for what they called the Quadruple-M – the fabled ‘many, many monkeys moment’.

They announced today that the porn-induced heart attack suffered by a student whilst donating sperm marked the arrival of Continue reading

September 11, 2014

Prime Minister arrives in Scotland with puppy and some kittens

by philapilus

The Scottish families visited by the politicians and their animal chums said “Wuv nae had such gud meeet since the Graet Glasgie rat plague o’ 2012.”

David Cameron, Ed Miliband, and poor little Nick Clegg, arrived in Scotland yesterday with a selection of small, cute animals, with which they hope to emotionally sway the country into staying within the UK.

The last ditch attempt by the two main party leaders and Cameron’s footstool, saw the three men travelling from town to town, holding up their little furry friends, and pleading with the Scots to “Have a heart.” Cameron, holding two Continue reading

September 10, 2014

“Great day for prejudice” as Jack the Ripper identified as Jewish foreigner

by philapilus
"No, no, NO! He had a great big hooked nose, fingerless gloves, and those weird twists of pubic hair on either side of his face"

“No, no, NO! He had a great big hooked nose, fingerless gloves, and those weird twists of pubic hair on either side of his face”

Across the UK, bigots, xenophobes and racists (so pretty much everyone) were delighted this week, after the Daily Mail announced new evidence which “proves definitively that Jack the Ripper was a Polish Jew”.

Delighted Ripperologists said it was “finally time to break out the flaming torches and go get them stinking Hebes.”

Tim Twanks, a current Whitechapel resident, said “After more than a century of the liberal curtailing of prejudice, and improved education, it turns out the blindly bigoted, squawking, anti-Semitic British public were right all along

“So now we Continue reading

September 8, 2014

Britain “Completely fine with austerity if it means we’re like Downton”

by philapilus

“I will work for free if you let me touch the building – even if its only the outside”

Frances O’Grady’s attempt to rouse the British masses against rising inequality has backfired, after the TUC leader warned Britain was becoming like Downton Abbey – at which point the whole country said “Well that’s all right then!”

Unemployed builder Tim Twanks said “I’ve been fucking mad about the social unfairness and the divide between rich and poor since I lost my job. But I hadn’t twigged it was all just like it is in Downton. Now I feel quite upbeat about the whole thing.

“My daily financial misery is Continue reading

September 8, 2014

Hawking warns “angry God particle could destroy the universe”

by philapilus

“Fucking bring back Bagpuss. NOW!”

Renowned physicist and DJ Stephen Hawking has said that despite previous declarations by many in the scientific community “God does in fact exist.”

He added however that the Almighty “is a tiny, very angry particle, capable of destroying all of space and time on a vengeful whim.”

In his Continue reading

September 8, 2014

John Major storms through US Open to take 18th Grand Slam title

by philapilus

It’s even more impressive that he won without taking his jacket off

Former British Prime Minister Sir John Major said he was “Over the moon” about his victory in the US Open on Sunday, which saw him join Martina Navratilova and Chris Evert in 4th place on the list of greatest women’s singles title-winners.

He beat Caroline Wozniacki 6-3 6-3 to take victory – an impressive feat for a 71 year old ex-politician, playing against a professional tennis superstar at the top of her game.

Speaking with characteristic humility, Major said “Of course I’m Continue reading

September 8, 2014

Duchess of Cambridge’s foetus opposes Scottish independence

by philapilus

Very much of the opinion that Scotland needs to stay in the union.

The news that Prince William and Kate are expecting their second child has had a huge effect on the Scottish referendum question, with the No campaign claiming that “If the Scots vote for independence they will be deliberately rebelling against a helpless, unborn Royal foetus. Heartless Bastards.”

Alistair Darling said “Naturally the second-born child of the son of the heir to the British throne has a vested interest in maintaining the integrity of the United Kingdom, and does not want to see a sizeable – if truculent, uncouth and pasty – portion of the population pull away.

“The foetus is very definitely in the ‘No’ camp, and nothing that Alex ‘Fishface’ Salmond can say or do will Continue reading

September 2, 2014

Greenhouse gases soar as vegetarian smugness pumps into environment

by philapilus

“Face it; I am just better than you in every way”

Scientists said greenhouse gas emissions increased alarmingly yesterday, after a report warned that rising meat consumption had negative environmental effects – leading vegetarians to give off unprecedented amounts of smug.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough School of The World’s Going to Shit, said “As meat consumption increases we see a corresponding rise in deforestation, cow-flatulence and thus rising greenhouse gases.

“But all of that pales into insignificance compared to the sheer enormity of self-righteous twattery that vegetarians across the UK emitted yesterday. It is Continue reading

September 1, 2014

The Martyrdom of a Modern Hero, by George Galloway

by philapilus

 

The thought of that beautiful smile being wiped off his face is more than we lowly commoners can bear…

Bravely stood the proud and noble man; erect, full of purpose, indefatigable as a Persian dictator, though with the moral complexion of a Saint, astride the London streets like a mighty colossus, blessing common people, as was his wont.

But even his great mind was unable to foresee what was coming; a savage beating at the hands of a maniac.

You will be distraught, I know, to hear that this brutally set-upon genius was not some remote ivory-tower intellectual, but one Continue reading

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