January 29, 2015
“Now with no added strychnine”
Tesco has apologised to customers, after it was discovered that the supermarket giant was attempting to whittle down the working class by lacing its own-brand range with poison.
The facts surfaced after the company’s own-brand blackcurrant and apple squash was reported by consumers to have “a smell like the overflowing latrines of hell itself.”
Spokesperson Percy Spoke said “We would like to formally apologise that the poison in our range for the poor was discovered. We were Continue reading
January 28, 2015
Apparently it’s impossible for anyone to form a rational opinion that isn’t full of either religious or anti-religious shit.
The First Lady of America, Michelle Obama, has been criticised for not wearing a headscarf whilst visiting Saudi Arabia this week.
Fans of fundamentalism, liberal apologists, and cerebrally challenged people with internet connections, have all lambasted Barack Obama’s wife, accusing her of cultural insensitivity, especially in the wake of the death of Saudi monarch, King Abdullah.
Wendy Nailinthehead, an unemployed person somewhat larger than her own doorway, tweeted “It’s Continue reading
January 26, 2015
Just look at the psychotic rage simmering beneath that tightlipped veneer of respectability…
David Cameron has said he is making it a personal priority to find the person who hoax-called him, and introduce him or her to a world of pain.
The Prime Minister tweeted this morning “Going to f*cking find that c*nt who had the f*cking nerve to hoax-call me. Think it’s f*cking funny do ya, motherf*cka? Let’s see you laugh when I’ve run over your f*cking kneecaps with a grass-roller.”
Although Number 10 insists security wasn’t breached, and that someone managing to get the Prime Minister’s number is “No biggie”, an aide to Mr Cameron has admitted that Continue reading
January 26, 2015
Now considered luxurious living space, compared with the ruin the rest of the country is in
Greece’s creditors were said to be “surprised but delighted” this morning, after the new anti-austerity coalition led by Alexis Tsipras sent them a really beautiful, big wooden horse.
Hans Onmycok, a spokesperson for the European Central Bank, said “Ja, ve are being very worried about zer new coalition, but zen zey sent zis pretty big horse! It has a note saying ‘Don’t Open Yet!’, und we are vaiting for zem to tell us when ve can be opening it. I am sure it has lots of lovely bailout repayments, inside, naturlich.”
The far-left Syriza party has joined forces with the Continue reading
January 23, 2015
Police try to hold back political party leaders as they storm the BBC studios
The breaking news that televised UK political debates may now include seven parties, has been immediately superseded by the news that in fact nineteen parties will be involved. This statement in turn has instantly been made null and void since we wrote it, by the news that twenty-six party leaders will now be debating.
The debates, scheduled to take place ahead of the general election later this year, were initially going to involve only the three main parties; Conservatives, Labour and Ukip. But after much argument between the prime minister and other leaders, the inclusion of smaller parties has now been put forward.
Political analyst Tim Twanks said “After Continue reading
January 21, 2015
“Let me spell that for you: C-U-N-…”
President Obama has used his annual State of the Union Address to remind Americans that the collapse of his personal trajectory, from shining star to damp squib, doesn’t mean that the Republicans have in any way stopped being “A bunch of utter c*nts”.
The President said to Congress “I admit that I appear to have frittered away the goodwill of the nation, and gone from hero to zero with impressive speed. And I know that generally ‘Yes We Can’ has kind of turned into ‘Sorry, Actually It Turns Out I Can’t’.
“But I’d like everyone to remember that the alternative is a party of total assholes, whose Continue reading
January 20, 2015
Really desperate tossers could always rotate the page 90 degrees, and pretend this is a large bosom…
The Sun announced today it will be scrapping topless photos, leading everyone to agree that the paper is now basically brilliant, and on its way to becoming a commendable bastion of British journalism.
Sun reader Wendy Nailinthehead said “Before, when they showed women with their knockers out, the Sun was a filthy vessel of Continue reading
January 19, 2015
Eric arriving at a press conference on his giant black moth
Senior religious figures have written an open letter to the Prime Minister, asking “how the complete fuckwits composing the political class can possibly be seen as contributing to British identity.”
The letter follows one written to Muslim leaders by Communities Secretary, Eric Pickles, (once favourably described as ‘like the bloated turd that inevitably blocks the only toilet at a house party’). In his letter, Pickles asked Muslims to explain why rabid xenophobic Britons shouldn’t be allowed to just beat the shit out of them.
Imam Abdul Iqbal said “I thought long and hard about the ways that Continue reading
January 19, 2015
“I’ve won! I’ve won!”
In an unusually transparent move the three main political parties are announcing new policy pushes today, all of which are tailored specifically to the individual needs of their parties.
David Cameron has insisted on the importance of full-employment, in a bid to retain the Government jobs currently occupied by his MPs. The prime minister said “Our top priority is rewarding the hardworking, entrepreneurial men and women of this party, and allowing them to create wealth through the judicious use of Parliamentary expenses on necessities like duck houses and well-covers.
“I want to see a Britain where no tory MP is reliant on the Continue reading
January 16, 2015
Pope Francis has continued to highlight the plight of the poor and needy by visiting the Philippines and saying what a bad thing inequality is, whilst sitting in the relative isolation of a bullet-proof car.
The Pope insisted that the best way to defeat poverty is to be pictured smiling and waving at people in threadbare clothes, whilst offering non-specific platitudes about the wealthy that stop short of actually ticking them off per se.
Taking a break from punching his aide, Alberto Gasparri, the Continue reading