August 25, 2015

Labour to “weed out” anyone voting for Corbyn, says Harman

by philapilus

“The world will end” claims Harman

Harriet Harman has promised that the upcoming Labour leadership ballot will be “scrupulously fair and impartial” to which end “party activists are working round the clock to exclude anyone thinking of voting for one candidate in particular – I don’t think I have to name him, but it’s not Andy.”

The acting Labour leader warned that “thousands of cheats are attempting to infiltrate the party, purely to exploit the voting system in order to democratically vote for a candidate who some of us don’t want them to vote for.”

Many senior Labour officials are Continue reading

August 19, 2015

DWP only paying out for fictional claimants

by philapilus

Jesus wept, what a useless bag of smeg

After being caught out using made-up claimants for a benefits sanctions information leaflet, the Department for Work and Pensions has this morning admitted that the vast majority of the  benefits bill is actually being sunk in to non-existent claimants invented by the marketing department.

The DWP secretary Iain Duncan Smith said “I do have to admit this does sort of seem to go against the narrative of ‘benefits cheats bankrupting the country’ that I have spent the last five years banging on about.

“I’m not going to make any Continue reading

August 17, 2015

Bin Laden’s tape collection “includes the Bangles and Steeleye Span”

by philapilus

“All around my hat I will wear the green ribbon…”

Experts analysing the vast tape collection of Osama Bin Laden have revealed that the Al Qaeda leader “was a huge fan of bands like the Bangles, the Mamas and the Papas, and British folk rock outfit, Steeleye Span.”

Professor Hamish McEyebrau of the Slough School of Sound Studies went through more than 1500 casettes, and found that Bin Laden’s musical tastes tended to focus on anything recorded before Nirvana’s ‘Nevermind’, which was the most recent album that he owned.

“‘Nevermind’ was almost worn out,” said McEyebrau “So he’d obviously listened to it a lot. We think he Continue reading

August 14, 2015

Delighted Lancastrians lambast Yorkshire for “wimpishly clean water”

by philapilus

The Wars of the Roses began as a squabble between the two counties both of which claimed to have the ugliest women

Lancashire has mocked “Yorkshire softies” this week, claiming that the county “Doesn’t even know its been born,  with its lahdeedah clean water and its lahdeedah sanitation”.

The attack came after proud Lancastrians entered a second week of having to boil their water for health reasons, leading the delighted misanthropes to revel in gleeful masochism.

Pat Greendale, founder of the Antagonise Yorkshire Society, said “Bloody Yorkshire, think they’re so tough; we’re more hard done by than Continue reading

August 11, 2015

“Corbyn isn’t much like Blair” warns Campbell

by philapilus

“He’s got huge tusks that come out of his jaw about this far, and if we make him leader then he’ll use them to impale babies”

Alastair Campbell has warned Labour members against voting for Jeremy Corbyn, explaining that Corbyn is not Tony Blair, and furthermore “doesn’t even look like him”.

Campbell who was the communications director and enforcer for the Blair government, has told party members that the left-wing leadership candidate is “dangerously unBlair; he doesn’t appear to be remotely interested in Blairism, doesn’t sound or taste like Blair, and doesn’t even remind me of that useless tub of fox excrement Gordon Brown.”

Jeremy Corbyn is leading the Continue reading

August 10, 2015

“Some of my best friends menstruate” says Trump

by philapilus

“Turtle-faced little piece of shit”

Donald Trump has lashed out at critics after his attack on a Fox journalist, and insisted he did not imply she was menstruating, but added “Even if I had said she was menstruating like a stuck pig, I would only have meant it in a really positive way.”

The tycoon, who had said publicly that Megyn Kelly was “bleeding out of her wherever” continued “I mean, obviously menstruation is gross, unnatural, dirty – and frankly just done to grab attention, but apart from that, I think it’s great.

“Some of my best friends are women. Or at Continue reading

August 7, 2015

North Korea changes position of the Earth in relation to Sun

by philapilus

LORD OF TIME AS WELL AS ALL CREATION

North Korea has altered the supposedly intractable gravitational forces exerted on our planet by the Sun, in order to move out of the timezone imposed on the country by “the evil Japanese empire”.

Pyongyang announced this morning that the all-powerful Kim Jong-Un “leapt into space with one jump, and then, standing in a temporal vacuum, used his incredible muscles to move planetary alignments just enough to change the time by half an hour.

“It may sound impossible to Continue reading

August 4, 2015

Calais migrants “have not yet unleashed armageddon” say experts

by philapilus

“fucking immigrants”

Analysts confirmed this morning that the South East of England has not yet descended into apocalyptic destruction and horror, despite the fact that a few thousand poor bastards are still trying to get across from Calais.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough School of Reading Stuff, said “Even though the newspapers are saying that the Calais hopefuls have instigated the end times by climbing over a fence, we went and checked and Kent has completely failed to subside into the broiling maw of the sea, contra all expectations. In fact the Continue reading

July 31, 2015

Walter Palmer “unrepentant” after killing trophy patients

by philapilus

Just say ‘aahhhhAAARRRGGHHHHHNOPLEASENODON’TSHOOT!’

Dentist Walter Palmer has admitted he has “no intention of ceasing to blow the living fuck out of big game animals” after reports that he hunted down and shot several of his patients.

The Minnesota tooth-wrangler shot Zimbabwe’s most famous lion, Cecil, on a hunting trip after the creature was lured out of its reservation.

But, bloodlust unsated, Palmer returned to the States, put on his pith helmet, and went on another big game spree, killing three of his patients, an ice cream vendor, four squirrels, a cat, and a goldfish, using a minigun and several sticks of  Continue reading

July 28, 2015

Breaking the law “fine if you don’t know you’re doing it” says Boris

by philapilus

He used the same excuse when he murdered those gypsies too

Bungling London mayor Boris Johnson has defended giving his wife a ‘backie’ on his bike, saying that “Breaking the law doesn’t count unless you are fully aware you are doing something illegal.”

After being filmed carrying his wife on the back of his bicycle, Boris was said to be angered that people were accusing him of breaking the law, telling reporters “Bloody ridiculous, how can you break a law if you don’t even know it’s a law?!

“You couldn’t break a, you know, a – a thing for flowers, thing with flowers in, vase, that’s it, vase! You couldn’t break one of those without knowing it was a…hang on. No that’s not the same, is it?

“But you Continue reading

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