August 29, 2014

Global conflict threatens to divert attention from ‘Baked Alaskagate’

by philapilus

“It’s time to stop waving the chocolate finger of blame and come to the table together, to break bread and make peas”

As the international community steps up its criticism of “Russian cooks interfering in the Ukraine broth”, fears are growing at home that the public is being distracted from Wednesday’s Great British Bake Off fallout.

The GBBO Baked Alaska debacle was recognised immediately as a global crisis. But it has subsequently been overshadowed in UK news by trifling headlines about tasty morsels like the mouthwatering Ukraine crisis, the delicious Ebola outbreak, and the succulent Islamic State being served in Iraq and Syria.

On Wednesday, contestant Diana Beard briefly annexed the freezer, displacing Iain Watter’s ice cream, an act which some experts suggest Continue reading

August 28, 2014

Hello Kitty “actually Jack the Ripper” say creators

by philapilus

Often cut out the victim’s uterus and disfigured the face

Children, fans of stationery, and adults who refuse to grow up, have expressed surprise and dismay on learning that popular icon Hello Kitty is in fact a serial killer, and not – as was previously thought – an inoffensive cartoon cat.

Collectors of cutesy paraphernalia said they felt “deceived and angry”, after creators Sanrio revealed that Kitty was the infamous Jack the Ripper – almost as far from being a cloying lunchbox decoration as physically possible.

Fan Samantha Furcup said “All my clothes, bedcovers, posters, bags, mugs – everything – are covered with Hello Kitty. I have her face tattooed across my breasts, for fuck’s sake. And now it Continue reading

August 27, 2014

Arizona calls for mandatory firearm training for infants

by philapilus

Perfect for a child

Citizens in Arizona are campaigning for tightened gun legislation, after the killing of a gun instructor by his 9 year-old student.

The shocking and completely unforeseeable accident, in which a small child failed to control the recoil of a fully automatic Uzi submachine gun, has galvanised communities, and led to demands for laws making it illegal for 9 year-olds not to know how to handle weaponry.

Founder of Continue reading

August 26, 2014

Boris calls for small change in law to let him become Emperor

by philapilus

Behold! The God-king descends majestically from the sky!

After calling this morning for legal reforms to do away with “All that rotten guff about fair trial and habeas corpus“, Boris Johnson has now suggested yet more “minute changes to the law, that will allow me to, you know, sort of rule you all as an Emperor/God-incarnate type of chap.”

Boris said this lunchtime that he would like to see “Some really very, very minor alterations in British Sovereign law, that just kind of ‘bump up’ my role a bit.

“Kind of elevating the Continue reading

August 26, 2014

Stephen Hawking dumped into freezing ocean to raise ALS awareness

by philapilus

George W. Bush, P.K. Subban and Lindsay Lohan are some of the well-known people who have participated in the Ice Bucket Challenge, a fundraiser for ALS research.

Well done guys! Without doubt the most altruistic thing anyone has ever done, ever…

Stephen Hawking was this morning flown to the Arctic Circle where, after a suitable hole had been cut in the ice, he was removed from his motorised chair and thrown into the freezing polar sea.

The famous physicist’s dunking resulted in his entering a hypothermic coma, which medical experts say “Will almost certainly kill him, but it’s hard to tell, as he never moves or says anything without the computer anyway.”

ALS ‘Ice Bucket challenge’ co-ordinator Continue reading

August 26, 2014

Salmond ‘wins’ independence debate that no one listened to

by philapilus

“I will crush his pudgy little head”

Political commentators have agreed that Alex Salmond should be declared the victor of last night’s televised Scottish independence debate “for the sake of balance”, after the First Minister’s previous drubbing at the hands of Alistair Darling.The general feeling amonsgt attending journalists and pundits was that “As no one heard a word either man said – because we all fell asleep the moment it started – we thought we’d just give it to Alex this time, to even things out.”

Terry Thomas, political analyst for some shitty newspaper with ‘Mail’ in the title, represented the general consensus when he said “I fell asleep during the first one too, but gave it to Alistair because he’s thinner, and I fucking hate little fat men. But then my sister, who is fat, told me that was Continue reading

August 22, 2014

IS: ‘Our motivations are holy, pure, noble, and maybe a teeny little bit financial’

by philapilus

It’s almost certainly NOT about being unable to pull

A spokesman for theocratic fundamentalist Jihadists, Islamic State, has explained that the $132m ransom it initially demanded for the return of murdered journalist James Foley was “Absolutely definitely in line with the Koran, and I’ll probably even remember which bit in a minute.”

Foley’s slaughter, apparently “Motivated by the need to do God’s bidding”, is mentioned in a new television ad-campaign IS has launched to prove that its actions “Are profoundly just, and not simply the work of a bunch of misogynist, hypocritical, backward cunts”.

Set against a backdrop of Butlins-style holiday camps, the ad features a Continue reading

August 22, 2014

Richard Dawkins’ Diary

by philapilus

My, what a handsome fellow I am!

5:15 Woke up. Pointless really, nothing to do for a few hours. Back to bed.

9:00. Woken by doorbell; postman with sack of hatemail. I measure his forehead and congratulate him on finding a job that surpasses his genetically predetermined limitations. Rude little oik calls me “A huge dickhead”.

9:30 Phone starts ringing. Twenty invites to interview within fifteen minutes! All interested in pitting me against parents of mongoloids to debate Down Syndrome. Paid off nicely!

10:00 More writing for my book ‘Why the Continue reading

August 19, 2014

Assange: ‘I’m probably OK to come out now, yeah?’

by philapilus

“I don’t get out much, but I thought the press would be the best people to ask about my chances for freedom, given their unimpeachable code of honour and great integrity.”

Julian Assange yesterday invited reporters to the Ecuadorian embassy, saying “I just wanted to see if you guys reckon I can come out of hiding yet?”

The Australian fled to the embassy two years ago to avoid extradition to Sweden on charges of sexual assault. He also fears incarceration by the US over the Wikileaks revelations.

Assange exhorted journalists to “Be honest; I really don’t want to make a boob here”, adding “but like, all that stuff was a Continue reading

August 18, 2014

‘Is Cornwall like Scotland?’ asks BBC

by philapilus

In the build-up to what has been favourably called ‘the sinfully dull Scottish independence referendum’, our plucky sister news organ, the BBC, has today posed the fascinating question of whether Cornwall is a bit like Scotland! In an act of almost unfathomable charity, we have devoted ourselves to this Continue reading

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