April 27, 2015

John Major wins 2015 London Marathon

by philapilus

Major said to journalists this morning he’d had so much fun on Sunday that he was not ruling out competing in marathons all around the world.

Sir John Major said he was “Surprised but delighted” after finishing the London Marathon in world record time, streets ahead of the competition.

The ex-Prime Minister’s time of 1:58:59 smashed previous records, making him the first person to run a sub-2 hours marathon – and with a whole minute to spare.

Runner-up Eliud Kipchoga’s 2:04:42 looked positively pedestrian by comparison. The Kenyan runner said Continue reading

April 24, 2015

Thousands take to streets, begging HSBC not to leave UK

by philapilus

“Maybe tomorrow we’ll wanna settle down; until tomorrow we’ll just keep movin’ on”

The country has been flooded with grief today, after the announcement by beloved bank HSBC that it was looking into relocating away from the UK.

The mass outpouring of sadness resulted in demonstrations across the capital, with members of the public donning sackcloth and ashes, and flagellating themselves, as they wept and pleaded with the bank to stay.

Mourner Tim Twanks sobbed “I’ve been Continue reading

April 24, 2015

Holborn area of Central London not even trying anymore

by philapilus

This aerial shot of London at night shows how the area known colloquially as ‘Black Hole-born’ is gradually causing the collapse of the wider city around it.

It has become apparent that everyone and everything in the Holborn area of central London no longer cares in the slightest, and is getting ever closer to complete collapse.

After several weeks of calamities- including hellfire spouting from the very streets, buildings falling down, transport services giving up completely, and the fucking awful new Tottenham Court Road station – everyone has agreed that there’s no point bothering anymore.

TFL spokesman, Percy Spoke, said “The whole of the city is gradually crumbling, and we aren’t even trying to provide a proper service now. If you Continue reading

April 22, 2015

Paris Hilton “unaffected” by chihuahua’s death

by philapilus

“I’m just going to dump it in this fucking hedge here”

Paris Hilton has said she is “not remotely bothered” after the death of her 14 year old chihuahua, Tinkerbell, saying to reporters “why should I be? It’s just a fucking dog.”

Hilton, a famous and robust sex mannequin, who has survived numerous porkings, added “If I mourn the loss of any of my lifestyle accessories, it is that fucking earring I dropped down the loo four years ago in the toilets at Burger King. They were made of solid gold, and frozen semen dyed pink.

“I’m certainly not cut up over some yappy little thing that I had to get one of my assistants to clean up after every time it shat.”

Hilton, who has Continue reading

April 22, 2015

New Zealand PM told ‘pulling hair isn’t foreplay’

by philapilus

“Sorry, sorry; tell me again, last time I promise. It’s just really hard to remember. Does no mean yes, or does yes mean no?”

The Prime Minister of New Zealand, John Key, has been sternly reminded today that he isn’t 9 years old, and asked to refrain from pulling the hair of girls he fancies.

Key has had to formally apologise to a waitress whose ponytail he has been habitually pulling for months. Witnesses said however that his contrition was slightly ruined by his subsequent request to grope the waitress’s boobs, by way of making it up to her.

A spokesperson for the Prime Minister said “Mr Key does not consider a bit of light ponytail-tugging to be abusive, any more than a quick slap on the bum would be. It’s Continue reading

April 21, 2015

‘If we don’t kill all the whales they’ll die’, warns Japan

by philapilus

Saving the species, one whale at a time

Japan has criticised the International Whaling Committee for rejecting its latest proposed hunting programme, and has warned that without substantially increased rates of slaughter, the whales might all die out.

A Japanese official said “The laws against whaling, imposed by so-called “experts” at the International Court of Justice, represent astonishing scientific ignorance.

“Do they really think that if we let these succulent, delicious creatures live, there’s some sort of chance they won’t all die out? Ridiculous! Imagine a Continue reading

April 17, 2015

Lucas finally gets what fans really want out of Star Wars

by philapilus

Staring at this film-still for three hours would be so much better than the Phantom Fucking Menace

After years of making appalling prequels, Star Wars creator George Lucas has finally understood that actually fans just want to see Han Solo and Chewbacca flying the Millenium Falcon around and wisecracking.

The new teaser trailer for Star Wars Part XXVI, the Force Awakens Again After Sort of Resting For A Bit, suggests Lucas has returned to his winning formula; lush backdrops, no racist CGI characters, light sabers going ‘ZZZSSSHHHHHMMMMMMMMMM’ and a space rogue hanging out with his big cuddly friend.

Superfan Tim Twanks, who goes by the online moniker, Zedd Calrissiolo, said “I thought I Continue reading

April 17, 2015

Miliband disappointed after lesbian threesome fails to happen

by philapilus
Group hug

“Can I join in?”

Ed Miliband said he was devastated this morning, after the televised group hug between Nicola Sturgeon, Nathalie Bennett, and the Welsh one, failed to turn into something more erotic.

The all-female cuddle, which took place at the end of the broadcast election debate, was, said Miliband “One of the most exciting moments of my life since becoming an MP, and also one of the most disappointing.”

The Labour leader confessed “I really hoped there might be some kissing, and then maybe one of them would get out the body lotion, and Continue reading

April 17, 2015

Farage attacks BBC audience “composed entirely of time-travelling Leninists”

by philapilus

“Karl Marx is in my kitchen cupboard!

Nigel Farage has blamed the BBC for audience hostility during last night’s TV debate, claiming that the corporation had filled the seats with time-travellers from the Bolshevik USSR.

During a tirade aimed at one of his thumbs, Farage broke away to castigate the BBC and everyone in the room, saying “I’ve never seen so many Russian revolutionaries in my life! You’re all from that film with the baby carriage and the stairs, and you all want to eat my leg!”

Although David Dimbleby attempted to explain to him the process by which audiences are chosen, Farage ignored him, and shouted that he was “Having none of this darkie-loving pinko lingo” before climbing onto his lectern, and defecating noisily into his cupped hands.

The Ukip leader then Continue reading

April 15, 2015

Cameron pledges Good Life DVDs for everyone

by philapilus

A Conservative favourite, the Good Life featured a rich couple, and the peasants next door who lived off roots from the garden.

David Cameron has promised that a Conservative government will ensure everyone in the UK receives a cheap knock-off copy of three Good Life episodes, in one of those cardboard sleeves like you get free in the Daily Mail.

The Prime Minister said “In these times of austerity we will of course stick to the long term economic plan, of encouraging you all to bend over and assume the position. But I want the Good Life for each and every one of you. On DVD, which is cheaper and more realistic than actually providing a genuinely reasonable existence.

“We’re not giving you all of them, obviously; that would be extravagant. But you can have, oh I don’t know, maybe three episodes? Maybe the first one, and the one where they’re fighting over the windbreaker. Oh, and the Christmas one, where they all get drunk, and Tom and Jerry try and seduce each others’ wives.

“Just like when Continue reading

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